I love you
in the future, present, and past
You were my first love
and you will be my last
I love you deeply and truly
Like no one else will
If you were someone else
I’d love you still
I love how beautiful you are
I love how sweet you smell
I love your soft touch
And the stories you tell
I love everything you do
And I love what I see
I love that you’re you
I love that you’re me

It started as a day like any other, and then she showed up at my door. A friend I met only a couple of weeks ago. Tall, smart, funny: an all around cool girl. She said “I love you,” and time stopped. Creeping fear surrounded me, chilling me to my core. Suddenly, I was pulled back from myself to look at the crime scene that was our friendship, to see what went wrong. Was it something I said or did? Was it the memes we shared? Something had changed to cause this, and I had to get to the bottom of this mystery.

Motive: It is around valentine’s day and people can feel particularly lonely around that time of year, and my friend has told me they have been feeling isolated and alone. Means: We are both single, I didn’t think either of us is looking for a relationship, or so I thought. Opportunity: Shared interests, talking more often recently and just generally good vibes. Verdict: inconclusive. More information required to figure out what happened.

With only one lead, I confronted the person who reported the crime, my friend. All I could think to say to start my interrogation was “Nice… as a friend right?” She laughed and responded saying “Of course. You have a comforting presence, you’re honest and you make me feel heard and seen, and I love that.” And the case was solved. Oh, right. There was no crime to be solved in the first place. I’m trying to fix a problem that doesn’t exist again. I’ve always tried to be there for my friends when they need me, to hear them out, make them feel comfortable and safe, which I consider an act of love. I love that about myself, but it is not often received or reciprocated as love. People have different definitions of what love is, or feels like, so sharing love can be difficult. Turns out when you make space for people to feel vulnerable, safe, understood, and “Loved”, a response could be appreciation through love. Mystery solved.

The reason I was so confused and scared was my inexperience with verbal platonic love. Love isn’t always a transformative word, one used to describe feelings moving forward. It can be a statement of the present, of who you are currently. Being seen and understood, and told that I am loved for who I am are things that I am out of practice and uncomfortable with. I really only hear it from my family, which can feel like an obligation. Most men only hear “I love you” from their partners romantically, and almost never platonically.

I’ve been in a place recently in my life where I’m meeting and spending time with new people who have similar interests and beliefs to myself, and they have similar definitions to love that I do. Being vulnerable, honest and open to new experiences has changed my life rapidly and adjusting and adapting to it has been a journey, and honestly a little scary at times. I’m working on being more comfortable with being loved and accepting love, and I love that for me.

I am love up above
Flying high in my kaleidoscope eye
I am selfish in leaving crumbs
Make you and I want more from just a touch
To be free I need me, yes baby all of me
Let your tears drop, firm and sent, but we cannot stop holding on to something thought long gone
Let it go and use your words, mind powerful, do not say that curse
Pull your veil back, the stars align because heaven is calling you ‘Oh Divine!’
Open your hands you sculpt the world of your dreams, continue on
I’ll guide the way, protect your light because we are so much better combined Beaming like the Sun and demure like the Moon
I am me… fierce, fresh and fun
No time like today, impatient in victory of us
Creation in every move we make, swirls of life just speak them into existence where others cannot
I am you in your boldest moment, all encompassing love pushed to places you thought not
For we are beauty, yes love I am
Timeless