It started as a day like any other, and then she showed up at my door. A friend I met only a couple of weeks ago. Tall, smart, funny: an all around cool girl. She said “I love you,” and time stopped. Creeping fear surrounded me, chilling me to my core. Suddenly, I was pulled back from myself to look at the crime scene that was our friendship, to see what went wrong. Was it something I said or did? Was it the memes we shared? Something had changed to cause this, and I had to get to the bottom of this mystery.

Motive: It is around valentine’s day and people can feel particularly lonely around that time of year, and my friend has told me they have been feeling isolated and alone. Means: We are both single, I didn’t think either of us is looking for a relationship, or so I thought. Opportunity: Shared interests, talking more often recently and just generally good vibes. Verdict: inconclusive. More information required to figure out what happened.

With only one lead, I confronted the person who reported the crime, my friend. All I could think to say to start my interrogation was “Nice… as a friend right?” She laughed and responded saying “Of course. You have a comforting presence, you’re honest and you make me feel heard and seen, and I love that.” And the case was solved. Oh, right. There was no crime to be solved in the first place. I’m trying to fix a problem that doesn’t exist again. I’ve always tried to be there for my friends when they need me, to hear them out, make them feel comfortable and safe, which I consider an act of love. I love that about myself, but it is not often received or reciprocated as love. People have different definitions of what love is, or feels like, so sharing love can be difficult. Turns out when you make space for people to feel vulnerable, safe, understood, and “Loved”, a response could be appreciation through love. Mystery solved.

The reason I was so confused and scared was my inexperience with verbal platonic love. Love isn’t always a transformative word, one used to describe feelings moving forward. It can be a statement of the present, of who you are currently. Being seen and understood, and told that I am loved for who I am are things that I am out of practice and uncomfortable with. I really only hear it from my family, which can feel like an obligation. Most men only hear “I love you” from their partners romantically, and almost never platonically.

I’ve been in a place recently in my life where I’m meeting and spending time with new people who have similar interests and beliefs to myself, and they have similar definitions to love that I do. Being vulnerable, honest and open to new experiences has changed my life rapidly and adjusting and adapting to it has been a journey, and honestly a little scary at times. I’m working on being more comfortable with being loved and accepting love, and I love that for me.