Dear Grandma,
How are things up in heaven? I hope they are treating you well up there. Have you been watching things down here? It’s been such a mess with our family since you’ve been gone. The family that once stood together has now drifted apart. If you have noticed, no one gets together anymore for gatherings. No one hardly even calls anybody just for a chat or anything. It’s not like when you were around, but we are trying.
Besides that update, I’ve been hanging in there the best I can. Since you last saw me, I’m now married with kids. I’m living on my own now, and I have changed my outlook since surgery five years ago, but I’m still the kind-hearted person you remember. I’ve just had a lot of difficulties in my journeys since then, but I’m trying to stay as strong as possible.
As I mentioned, I have kids now, Grandma. I ended up having two girls, ages 15 and 10, and I also had my first boy, but sadly, he didn’t make the journey. So if you happen to come across him, could you give him a hug for me and let him know that Mommy misses him? I will eventually see him soon. Since then, I added two more stepdaughters after I got remarried; they are 9 and 8. They are so adorable, Grandma! The littlest one adores me to death. She still calls me by my name, but that’s okay. It doesn’t bother me. She loves to play dress-up with me, cover herself in makeup, or just have fun tickling and gobbling each other at times.
By the way, Grandma, if you’ve been watching, can you believe your great-granddaughter is now getting ready for her journey to high school? I wish you had the chance to meet her. She’s been having struggles with her studies and trying to figure out what she wants to do moving forward. But Mom, Dad, and I, even though she doesn’t always make things easy for us, are getting by.
If you’re wondering about your other grandson, I know you were concerned about him. Well, Eddie is doing well. He’s been growing every day and will be turning 39 this year. Can you believe that? He still looks like Dad every day, but he is still the bright, energetic person you remembered. Dad, on the other hand, has been struggling a bit lately, trying to do everything he can for us. But Grandma, I know you’re in our hearts, and there isn’t a moment that goes by that we don’t wish you were back here with us. I know for sure that if you were here, you wouldn’t approve of how everything has been going since you made your trip.
Before I go, I wanted to let you know that even though I don’t speak for the family, I’m sorry that I haven’t had the time to come back and visit you since my last trip. With everything that has been going on here lately, I just haven’t had a way to pull it off. But I hope you are staying safe up there and that they are taking care of you until we are reunited.
I love you, Grandma Allen.
Signed,
Your granddaughter,
Samantha.

Dear Community,

This topic I wish to share hits me hard since I’m a mother myself. I want to know what you think about being a mother. I will admit that the parenting choices I made in my life weren’t the best, but I have acknowledged and regretted what I got myself into. However, this isn’t about me today; I want to discuss what you think about a mother who has three kids and another one on the way. Do you honestly think she should be having another child right now?

My story is about a woman in this current time who has two girls and one boy. In my opinion, she shouldn’t have another child at this moment. The reason, you may ask, is that this is what she does all the time: she currently works in healthcare, her partner works at an amusement park, and she draws money from one of her kids. Yet, she complains that she’s always broke. How is that possible? I mean, come on—my husband and I are living on a monthly income, and we have no car, but she can still go to work, go shopping, eat out a lot, or go play at a bar.

Another parenting issue I see is that whenever she wants to clean the house or do something, if it’s an activity that the kids can’t be involved in, she thinks that Daddy has to take them, no matter what. Being a mother, I understand that if you have to work, that’s one thing, but if you don’t, why can’t you take the kids? What’s so important that they can’t be involved in what you’re doing?

What frustrates me is that I understand they need to spend time with their other parent, but what if that parent has things going on too? What if your electricity is out, or your internet is down, or someone is sick in your house? Is it fair to put your kids in a difficult situation, yet you feel justified in getting mad if your kid gets sick or complains about being bored?

I mean, is it so hard to ask your co-parent questions to ensure that the house and surroundings are safe for the child before they come over? Don’t just assume that we can automatically handle things without checking with us first. Don’t get me wrong; I understand that just because you may not be around kids right now doesn’t mean you have forgotten to be a parent. You just want to ensure their safety. Is that a crime?

“Dear Mom”

This is gonna be hard for me mentally and I know you’re still here spiritually, but that doesn’t soften the blow that your no longer here physically
The reality has set in that I will never see you again, but if I’m lucky maybe just catch a glimpse of your reflection
As I stare into the sky, something whispers from behind, but I’ve lost all sense of direction
Just three weeks before you left, you looked me in my eyes, and I’ll never forget what you said, because it’s burned inside my mind, you said “bub, I’m not ready to leave this earth yet.” And I said “mom, please don’t worry.” Cuz the good Lord knows that I can’t make it without you, my future would just be blurry
I need you to know that I had no clue that I was lying, I was trying to lift your spirits and maybe we could both stop crying
I know you loved me to the moon, so I focus on the distance, now I’m sitting here alone, and I’m missing your existence!!

This is a story about a woman who had her daughter taken away from her due to injustices in her life. When her daughter was born, the mother was just starting her journey as a young parent, and she was already experiencing relationship issues with her daughter’s father. She had hoped that having their child would encourage him to act better and be more supportive.

Before finding a new place to live, there was an altercation between her oldest daughter and her husband, which led to court involvement. Initially, this situation required her youngest daughter to be placed with the mother’s parents. After the mother divorced her husband, she was in the process of moving and needed to find a new job to secure custody of her child and provide a better life.

The court mistakenly believed that the mother did not want custody at first. However, the truth was that she was concerned about her financial situation and her ability to provide for her daughter. She felt it was best for her child to stay with her parents or with her father, as the child expressed a desire to be with him, and the mother didn’t want to separate them.

The court kept insisting that the mother should have been more aware of the father’s behavior, even though he had never shown any signs of disrespect toward children. She had shared her experiences with him but had never disrespected him as a father. The court expected her to work and manage her own life while also being present to protect her daughter, which was difficult given her circumstances. Her family was assisting her, yet the court didn’t hold the father accountable for issues in her parents’ home, such as an infestation that made it unlivable for the child.

Now, after all this time, the court has indicated that she can fight to regain custody of her daughter. However, they are demanding that she leave her husband, secure a new home, and meet various requirements to be considered for custody. The mother expressed to her mother that she truly wants her daughter back, but given the current state of her life and her parents’ lives, she believes her daughter does not need to be in that environment.

They all miss her and love her deeply, and the mother knows her daughter is not forgotten. She believes that when her daughter is old enough, if she is still alive and well, her daughter will be able to find her if she wants to establish a relationship.

This is a story about a single father whose life became turbulent after a bond with his children was broken. Following the emotional turmoil, he focused on his routine—going to work, playing games, and taking his medication daily. However, he faced constant harassment about who was watching his kids.

The father struggled day by day. Initially, they had shared custody, with him watching the children on weekends. Yet, that arrangement quickly changed. It felt as though he had to drop everything and attend to the kids’ needs, no matter what. While he understood that being a parent comes with responsibilities, it seemed unfair that he had to handle all the household chores, such as cleaning or running errands, while his ex-wife continued her social life.

The emotional strain intensified whenever there were issues in his home. If he or his partner fell ill, his ex-wife didn’t seem to care. She insisted on having the children with her, regardless of whether there were enough supplies at his place or if the electricity was out. It felt as though maintaining a second family complicated his efforts to move on with his life.

The most challenging moments arose when she unexpectedly demanded to take the kids for educational purposes without considering what plans he had for the day. She would guilt-trip him, insisting that someone should accommodate her wishes no matter what else was going on. It was an endless cycle of conflict and frustration that affected his ability to maintain a stable life for himself and his children.

One Week,
That was all it took
My heart broke completely
24 hours
That was all it took
To stop doing anything that could hurt you
I did everything right
I followed all the rules
I even tried to love myself more so that I could love you entirely
One week
That was all it took
To take everything that was left of me

My story is about a woman who had two kids between the ages of 21 and 25. She had two girls who are now 15 and 10. After she had her second child, she made one of the hardest decisions she now regrets. She decided to have her tubes tied and an ablation done because she knew, deep down, that she couldn’t take care of another child due to personal reasons. Despite her belief that she would never have kids again, seven years later, after getting remarried, she found out she was going to have another baby.

She was shocked when she took two home pregnancy tests. She thought, “How is this possible?” Her doctor had told her that the procedure was supposed to be effective, but after two exams were done, the first test revealed that the procedure, after all this time, hadn’t worked, and the second test revealed that there was indeed a baby. Unfortunately, she ended up miscarrying, and all that was left was the gestational sac. She was only two months along, and even though she didn’t yet know the sex of the baby, she wanted to honor him by imagining him as a boy since her partner also had girls.

She was devastated and decided to create a memorial for him. She made a plaque, had a memory box with angel wings, and a special Christmas ornament with his name and the message “In Loving Memory.” She also chose a tattoo for her arm featuring wings, a golden halo, and blue feet to represent him. Her parents even made her a special present to honor their first grandson. They crafted a family of bears, with the mom bear and each of her cubs. She took it home, wrote each of her babies’ names on it, and gave them a special paint color.

Every year, she takes a moment to honor her son and reflects on what he would have looked like if he had loved his sisters and how big he would have been. Many questions run through her mind: What would he have grown up to be? Who knows?

Dear Ex,

It has been almost five years since I left you. I miss you still. You leave monthly whispers of alimony, and quarterly updates of your life since the abandonment.

I keep feeling that it is all too good for me. I left you in the worst possible way. I professed my love for someone else – someone I could never have, anyway.

I was flippant and psychotic about it, too. I got up and left one day, never to return.

I regret leaving you the way I did. Our marriage was dying a slow death. But I didn’t have to hack at your heart in one fell swoop.

I made you pack my belongings because I couldn’t bear to come back and do the deed myself.

Recently, I had a nightmare that the tables were turned. I was packing your stuff. Only then, did I realize what an impossible task I set you up with.

I stayed for 13 years because I thought the good outweighed the bad. The fun times seemingly overshadowed the screaming matches, the cruel use of semantic language.

You told me I was hard to love, that I was emotionally complex. That was your way of calling me a bitch.

I called you out on it. You confirmed the not-so-cryptic message.

But hey. We both had our unresolved traumas that we brought into our fights. Not even two years of couples therapy near the end of our marriage could foster effective communication skills.

We were both far too wounded to see past ourselves, yet we didn’t know where one of us ended and the other began. The intertwining and untangling happened at the most inopportune times.

You told me during our last quarterly update that you had forgiven me for my transgressions. I asked why, and you said that four-and-a-half years would be a long time to hold onto such emotional turmoil.

I realized then that I had not yet forgiven myself. Now, I listen to the 36-year-old part of me who left. I understand now.

That part of me was doing the best they could. They thought they were being merciful by finally ripping off the bandage and walking out on our eight-year marriage.

It was that moment that I could finally start to forgive myself.

Then, I listened to the 27-year-old part of me – the one simultaneously full of hope and doubt about our upcoming marriage. They whispered to me:

I love her so much. But I’m in too deep.

Had I loved myself then as much as I do now, I would have been merciful and cut the cord right then and there.

I put your happiness above my own.

And now I realize that you weren’t happy either. Not with me. And certainly not with yourself.

We sought love within each other, when we needed to look within ourselves first.

Had we done that, we might have been best friends for 18 years instead of fractured lovers for 13 years and separated souls for another five.

I forgive you, dear ex.

I also forgive myself.

You may not ever be my best friend again, but I will hold our fun times dearly.

Now, as tears well up in my eyes, I contemplate a future of being in a relationship with myself. After all, no other relationship will matter to me nearly so much.

I will probably never get married again, but I wish myself – and YOU – all the happiness in the world, finally.

And maybe soon, we will both achieve inner peace and tell each other all about it in our next quarterly update.

I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
With a restaurant attached.
A salad bar and a buffet,
And a payphone in the back.

The coffee’s always hot,
And the food aint too bad.
I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
So I could talk to my Dad.

He says “I’m flyin over Montana,
just dropped a load of rain.
I’m headed down to Dallas,
And then up to Maine.

No more haulin’ produce,
Gasoline or TVs.
Cause up here in Heaven,
I’m haulin’ prayers and dreams!”

I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
With a restaurant attached.
A salad bar and a buffet,
And a payphone in the back.

The coffee’s always hot,
And the food aint too bad.
I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
So I could talk to my Dad.

“This rigs as big as a mountain,
You can see me from where you are.
It’s no Freightliner, no Peterbilt,
It’s an actual Western Star!

My Jake-brake is the thunder,
The exhaust makes tornadoes!
Man, it means so much more
to be the king of the road,
where the streets are paved with gold!”

I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
With a restaurant attached.
A salad bar and a buffet,
And a payphone in the back.

The coffee’s always hot,
And the food ain’t too bad.
I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
So I could talk to my Dad.

I’d tell him that I miss him,
every single day.
“Wish you could just stop by,
and meet my wife,
when you pass by this way.”

He tells me not to worry,
That one day he’ll meet her.
But if we look up at night,
we can see the lights,
of his 18 wheeler!

I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
With a restaurant attached.
A salad bar and a buffet,
And a payphone in the back.

The coffee’s always hot,
And the food ain’t too bad.
I wish there was a truck stop in Heaven,
So I could talk to my Dad.

The days are long, but the years are short; I think that is the best phrase I can think of to sum up my experience raising my children. If I think about those words too much, it will stir up powerful emotions in me and bring tears to my eyes. As a mom of four children, an eleven-year-old son and three daughters ages 8-years-old, 3 years old, and 5–months old, I know how busy daily life can get. I know how long the days can feel, but I also know how quickly each year passes and how fast kids grow.

My days are so busy from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, and even when I take a break, my mind races through every unfinished task on my to-do list. My days go something like this: wake up, get myself and 4 kids ready. After the chaos of the morning routine, I drop my two older kids off at school, hopefully on time. Then, after the short drive home, I juggle housework and office work with entertaining and caring for my two younger children. The hours fly by and before I know it, it’s time to pick up my two older kids from school. Most weekdays we have an hour or two before one of my kids has soccer or tumbling practice. After feeding the kids, we rush to get ready and head to practice. After practice, we head home to cook dinner unless I decide to pick it up because the last thing I want to do is cook and clean up. Homework and bedtime follow dinner unless we are lucky enough to have time to play a game or watch tv before bed. Once everyone else is asleep, I spend a few hours cleaning, doing laundry, and any tasks I can accomplish before I give up and go to bed. After a few brief hours, the alarm will go off, and it will be time to repeat everything.

When life gets busy like this, each day feels so long and overwhelming, but the days turn into weeks and the weeks into months, and the year passes so quickly. Then something, usually something small, will remind me how fast time has passed. My most recent reminder was a newborn onesie. I was sorting through my baby’s clothes and putting away the ones she has outgrown. As I held a tiny newborn onesie in my hand, the memories and emotions flooded my mind, and I cried. I remember going to buy more newborn outfits because the 0-3 size ones were too big. I remember how tiny she was. I remember those newborn cuddles, and how special those first weeks were just like with her siblings. What I don’t remember is how it’s already been 5 months. I don’t remember when she grew out of newborn clothes and diapers; I don’t remember the last time I held my newborn before she outgrew that sleepy cuddling phase, and I don’t remember the last time she wore this onesie. As I put away those tiny clothes I cry, I cry because it’s emotional watching your kids grow, experiencing all their firsts and all their lasts. When I add her clothes to the bin of baby clothes in my shed, I see baby clothes from each of my other three kids. I see the sleeper my son wore home from the hospital, my eight-year-old’s first tiny outfit, and my three-year-old’s tiny newborn hat. I hold onto outfits that I vividly remember buying for each of them. I remember distinct moments they wore each outfit in the bin, and I can tell which child each item belonged to. When I look at the tiny sleepers, I can still picture my kids wearing them as babies while I held them and they slept in my arms.

I can’t control the memories and emotions flooding my mind and weighing on my heart. Memories of sending my son to preschool seem like they were last year, but next year he starts middle school. What seems to be a short time ago, I remember my 8-year-old daughter was learning to walk and now she has mastered walkovers in tumbling. I remember my 3-year-old daughter learning to talk and now she can have a full conversation with you. I have been through this realization before, and it is emotional for me every time. Life gets busy and I don’t take the time to realize how fast they are growing until something little reminds me. Something like a newborn onesie reminds me to take time to enjoy every moment I can with my kids and make lots of memories because they will never be this small again. As I wipe my tears and put away the baby clothes, I’m reminded of how fast kids grow. And I tell myself to remember this important lesson. The days are long, but the years are short; Embrace the chaos of motherhood because one day soon you will miss all of this.

Dear Tarrell,
That night is something I’ll never forget. When you took your own life in front of me, my heart didn’t just break—it exploded. I felt something sacred tear away inside me. I would’ve done anything to stop it, but it was too late. You were gone, and in that moment, a piece of me died with you.
I don’t know how to put into words what it’s been like living without you. That night changed me forever. I can still hear the silence afterward—how loud it was, how final. I keep reliving it. I see your face, your pain, and I wonder why you couldn’t hold on just one more minute. I would’ve held you. I wanted to help you carry the pain.
You were not only my husband, but also my safe place. For the first time, I felt seen, heard, and truly loved. Tarrell, you brought me peace and made life easier, softer—until that night. Now, the world feels cold and hollow without you here.
The kids… God, the kids. You didn’t share their blood, but you gave them your whole heart. You were the father Adalynn had always dreamed of. Thank you for giving her something no one else ever could: the feeling of being wanted, chosen, and protected. She lit up around you. Her heart trusted you in ways I had never seen. The bond you two had—it was rare, beautiful, and real. Egypt adored you, too. She still talks about you and asks where you went. They don’t understand why you would leave us.
Nine months later, and it still feels like yesterday. I will forever hate Mondays and the 15th. We’re in therapy, all of us, and trying to piece ourselves back together. Nothing will ever be the same, and trying to find our new normal has been the biggest struggle for us. I’m not the same. PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks—I carry all of it now.
I know you were hurting. I know you were carrying so much that you couldn’t even find the words to tell me. I also know the Army made you feel you had to be strong all the time. That crying made you weak. That vulnerability was a failure. It never was. Crying, asking for help, falling into my arms—that would’ve been the bravest thing you ever did. I wish you had seen that. I wish you had believed that being emotional didn’t make you any less of a man. If anything, it would’ve made you even more of one.
I would’ve carried every ounce of your pain if it meant keeping you here. I would’ve done anything. You didn’t have to go through it alone. You were never alone. We loved you through it all—flaws, battles, shadows, and all. I just wish love had been enough to save you.
Now I’m left picking up the pieces—with the girls by my side—trying to create a new kind of life in a world I never wanted to know. One without you.
I love you so much. I miss you every second of every day. Tarrell, I always will.
Forever yours,

Letters Between a Father and Daughte
by Cindy Newcomer
Here is a brief intro for the following letters. My dad died quickly and unexpectedly from cerebral hemorrhage in 1967 at the age of 42. I was two years old at the time and have no conscious memory of him. Very little was ever mentioned about him in our home. To say that my mom was not the nurturing, motherly type is an understatement. Discussing feelings, grief and loss about his death were not a part of life. I was basically left to try to understand the loss and deal with it on my own. Needless to say, I have spent a lifetime with some complicated grief issues. Fast forward to 2015. Russ, my husband of 15 years, my soul mate and my best friend, died suddenly from a massive heart attack. Although I have dealt with many losses in my life, this one hit me hard. Since how we deal with present circumstances is influenced by our past experiences, grief issues with my dad’s death resurfaced. I was challenged to write a letter to my dad and then to write a letter from my dad to me. I have written several letters over the years to my dad but always from a child’s point of view. I decided I wanted to do this from today, as a 52-year-old woman. I must have started the letter over a half a dozen times. I just couldn’t do it. Then one day I was finally able to.
Dear Dad,
I have spent a lifetime thinking about you. Wondering what you would have been like, what our relationship would have been like, what my life would have been like. I would usually imagine what I guess would be almost a parallel universe in which you didn’t die when I was 2. That this is how I have thought of you and us, just dawned on me today. My life is very different because of everything that happened. I really have no idea who I would be or what I would be like had you lived. My life has been an amazing adventure. Some good, some bad – all of it combined to make me, well, me.
I have always been kind of mad because you left and you didn’t take me with you. After a mere 50 years, I think I have gotten over that one. I guess I want to say thank you for creating me. Even though you weren’t around, you did really shape and influence my life. The things I know about you are what I learned from mom, Grammy, some other family members and some of your friends and our neighbors. What I always heard from mom is that you were a hard worker, a hard drinker and went to church every Sunday. Those things became my goals when I was younger. I developed a strong work ethic, I drank like a damn fish and I went to church every Sunday. Even though at this point in my life, I disagree with much of the Catholic doctrine, the influence of the church might be what kept me alive and on this side of prison bars. With you not being around and well, mom being mom, I learned how to be self-reliant, independent, learned how to improvise and problem solve. I learned very early that life isn’t fair. It amazes me that I meet so many people who are adults who still think life should be fair. What the hell is fair??? That may be a lesson that is better learned at a young age. I think it is harder for people to accept when they get older.
During my teen years I really tried to emulate you. I can look back now and see how messed up some of the stuff I did really was. Even when I was in high school, I worked and drank almost every day. I would always make it to church either Saturday night or Sunday morning. Granted, sometimes I was still drunk from the night before. After I graduated I frequently worked two to three jobs. From 18 to 20, it wasn’t unusual for me to work 60 to 70 hours in a week. Damn, would love to have that money again. I would pay mom rent money, then the rest usually got spent on alcohol, drugs, music and cigarettes. Somehow, I think you would have put a boot to my ass for that.
I was told by Grammy and Uncle Lynn that you were the type of man that would help anyone if you could. I have tried to be that way. It has gotten me into some trouble on a few occasions, but I still think it is a good way to live. Grammy also told me that you were direct. When you had something to say, you said it. That one has really bit me in the ass a few times. Discretion is not always my strong suit.
Back to when I was a teen. I knew you had been in the military so I joined the Army Reserves on my 18th birthday. A big part of my motivation to do that was to follow in your footsteps. It wasn’t until many, many years later that Aunt Mary told me that you didn’t really like women being in the military. Oops, sorry. I was just winging it. I didn’t have you to bounce this shit off of.
I can’t imagine how different things would have been and who I would be today without the life I have lived. It isn’t like I can take the parallel universes in which you live and the real world, have them side by side and only pick the good from each one. It would be a cool trick and an awesome science fiction movie, but it isn’t reality. I have two amazing kids. Not sure how you would feel about either of them though. You are from a generation that espoused some old school ideas and values. Their lives fit into more modern-day times of acceptance. They are amazing human beings though and I am so proud of both. They have been through some serious adversity in their lives and they continue to have good hearts and are amazing people. They are both smart, resilient, hardworking, caring, kind and just good people. You have a great granddaughter. She is so adorable. Your great grandson is on the way and is due on July 4th. (Yeah, I know, that is your and mom’s wedding anniversary.)
It is weird. All my life, I have believed that when I die, you and I will be together and I will get to see you. Regardless of all the manifestations of my beliefs in religion and spirituality, and no matter how I define a Higher Power, this has always remained a constant. I don’t even really know what I believe as far as an afterlife. The whole heaven and hell things just confuse me. I don’t know. Even though I don’t know, I still have the childlike vision of you and me hanging out in heaven that kind of looks like a cartoon or a sappy greeting card. I remember when I was younger and a relative said that playing cards was the work of the devil and we were all going to hell. Even then I envisioned us just sitting around a table playing cards in hell. Apparently, the cards we were using were fire-proof. It is weird to think of some of these things as an adult and see them for what they are. Childhood thoughts and fantasies. Even today, I still have a belief that we will be together. I have that wish to be with Russ again, but I don’t have that belief with the same conviction that I do with you. Plus, even though I have lost so many people in my life, you and Russ are the only two that I think that way about.
This is such a new and strange way of thinking. I guess it is more from an adult perspective rather than being stuck with a childlike perspective. Hey, that reminds me, I wrote you a letter one time when I was around 6 or 7. I even put it in an envelope, addressed it to Heaven and rode my bike to the Post Office to mail it. I wonder what I wrote in that.
I love you dad. I love the image of you, the thought of you. I love the thought that you loved me and you wanted me. I have tried to live my life in a way that would make you proud of me. I am sure I let you down a few times. Hopefully though overall, I am a person that you would like, love and be proud to call your daughter.
I love you,
Cindy
Within a few days of writing this letter, I went to a Reiki circle. Now I must clarify that Reiki is such a mystery to me. I have gone probably about a dozen or more times. I still want to be skeptical of it but I have fallen in love with it. The benefits I have received from it have been mind-blowing. Anyhow, I was driving home after the Reiki circle and the letter from my dad to me just started to formulate in my head. When I got back to where I was staying, I put on some music, closed my eyes and just started typing. When I got out of my own way, I was able to receive this letter from my dad.
Dear Cindy,
I never left you. I have been in your heart the whole time. I know that sometimes you are able to feel me there. Other times, you ignore that I am there. My love for my baby girl has never gone away. I didn’t want to leave you, but I didn’t have a choice in the matter. It was just my time. I couldn’t take you with me nor would I have wanted to;, you were a baby. Think about it, would you have been willing to take one of your kids along at that young age or even now? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Stop worrying about whether or not I am proud of you. YES, I am proud of you. Do I completely understand you, oh hell no. But then we are from two very different generations. The whole therapy, support group, reiki, meditation, essential oils, I won’t even pretend to understand that shit. I can say that as far as the therapy and support group goes, I guess it isn’t much different than me sitting with my buddies at the bar and talking to the bartender. Just you do it without the beer. Concept is pretty much the same though. Back to me being proud of you. You need to let that shit go. You are a smart, caring, kind person. You help others and keep your door open to anyone who needs a place, a hug or just a place to hang out. Your Grammy was that way too.
You take pride in the fact that so many people have told you that you are a lot like me. I want you to think about that for a minute. The people that you know that are like one of their parents, haven’t they spent a good deal of time butting heads with that parent because they are so much alike? I am sure we would have had our share of that. You can be too bull-headed, stubborn and independent for your own damn good. I am sure I would have booted you in the ass a few times.
It is time you move forward. I know you have missed me and that is ok. But it is time to stop using it as a crutch or an excuse to stay stuck. You are a grown-ass woman at this point. You can’t go back and change the past. Hold onto the stories and the love that I gave you while I was there. You still have it in there; just allow yourself to acknowledge it and feel it. I am a part of you and always will be, just like you are a part of your children. Again, would you want them to suffer and stay stuck about something the way you have over my death? No, I know you wouldn’t. You are a good parent and you love your kids, just like I loved you.
I know that somehow you have rationalized that staying stuck and not letting go is a way for you to remain loyal to me. It isn’t what I want. I want you to heal. Yeah life sucks sometimes, I mean hell, look at what all your Grammy went through. You still whining all these years later about the fact that I died when you were a baby doesn’t do anyone any good. It isn’t showing any sort of loyalty to me. That is your twisted thinking. It is time you let me go. I don’t mean forget about me. Let go of the wish that I was still alive or that I had lived longer. Accept my death for what it is. I loved you with my heart and soul while I was there. Just like you want your kids to carry your love for them in their hearts and souls long after you are gone, the same goes for me.
I will agree with you, it sucks that we didn’t get to spend more time together. But yet again, all the holding on, dreaming, wishing, hoping isn’t going to change the reality of what happened.
Let me go, and move forward with your life. Know that I love you, always have and always will. I am proud of you. You have gone through some shit and yet you still have compassion for others. You are a Bechdel through and through. We are a hearty bunch, strong and resilient. Don’t ever forget that. It is ok to let go. There is no shame in that. I know you aren’t letting go of me and even if you were, I am still not letting go of you. I am still a part of you.
I love you,
Dad

Sixty paces—the distance between the wear marks on the porch windowsill
to the stone coping beneath the cherry blossoms.

From cold, wet nose kisses, punctuated by toe taps,
to the pungent pansies that now adorn his earthly bed.

Four feet—forty-eight inches—the space from his head to my lap.

Yet—when I close my eyes, I’m met by his tender gaze.
I feel the weight of his head, the damp jowls,
the velvet of his coat against my skin.

His warmth—lifting the weight of the day.

A kindred spirit, whose friendship I never questioned.

Sixty paces—a heart-rending farewell,
and a heartfelt hope: “I’ll be seeing you.”

Crying
Diapers
No sleep

Your EYES

Screams
Anxiety
Hair pulling

Your LAUGH

Hunger
Dehydration
Not clean

Your CUDDLES

Depression
Tired
Worries

Your TINY FINGERS

Anger
Restless
Headaches

Your SMILE

Your Scared
Your Hungry
Your Learning

I’m HERE

Nurse
Cook
Maid

I’m MOMMY
in love with every part of you……….

When I see a tiny lizard or a gecko on the sidewalk, I see you & smell the softness of pancakes cooking in the kitchen.

When I see a black cat, I see you & instantly smell gingerbread cookies baking in the oven around Christmas time.

When I see a white Chevy truck, I see two young girls sitting in the bed of the truck embracing the moment of the wind blowing amongst their tiny faces after a fun filled day in the snow

When I see elder men wearing their “Veterans” hat, I see you standing before me. I feel the softness in the air. I see the gentleness of your soul standing amongst the crowd. I thank that individual for their service as I walk away.

When I see the color purple out in the world, I see you. When I’m at work & hear similar words from my clients, I think of you standing before me. When I see the card game “Go Fish” being played, I see two younger girls sitting at their grandmother’s table laughing til their tummy hurts.

When I see a yellow tractor, I see a young adult enjoying the time being spent with their grandfather. When I see a blue truck, I see you & start singing those old country songs we’d sing together.

No matter where I go in life, I see you.
I see all of you!
Wherever I go, you are right there guiding the way. The way to clarity. To beautiful blessings. To happiness. To calmness. To love.

No matter the length of missing you, the memories, all of the memories will forever be shared.
Wherever I go in life, I know I have several bodyguards guiding me along my path. Protecting me.

Grief is a kingdom you never ask to rule.
A place with no stars, no dawn to break.
Endless night.
A place where echoes live longer than voices,
where shadows wear the faces you’ve lost—
but never quite get them right.

It crowns you in silence,
wraps its cloak around your ribs,
tightens until your breath comes in fractured whispers.

I thought I was ready.
I told myself time was mercy—
that knowing would soften the blow.
But grief doesn’t strike like lightning.
It seeps in slowly, like poison in your veins,
until one day you’re gasping,
and you don’t even remember what air felt like.

I try to remember her laugh—
but it’s like chasing smoke.
Somewhere in my mind,
her smile is fading at the edges.
Her voice, just a ghost of a ghost.

I keep pictures tucked away in drawers.
I can’t look at them for too long.
Each glance is a wound,
each memory a blade turning slow beneath my ribs.
But without them, she slips further from me.
I am caught between needing to remember
and not being able to survive it.

How cruel it is—
to lose her twice.
Once to death, and again to time.

My son was born after she left.
A few fractured weeks between his first breath
and the silence she became.
His due date was her birthday.
As if the universe thought irony was a kindness.

Since I was 18,
I have been carving out a life with trembling hands,
mistaking silence for strength,
mistaking independence for survival.
But I was wrong.

Strength is standing in the ruin
and naming every piece.
It is saying:
This hurt.
This still hurts.
It is learning to breathe in the dark.

They don’t tell you how grief is a thief—
how it steals the good with the bad.
How every sweet memory is chased by regret.
How every second of love feels borrowed.
How guilt hangs on your shoulders like a cloak
you can’t remove.

I should have stayed longer.
I should have loved louder.
I should have grown up faster,
instead of pretending I had all the time in the world.

I still don’t know how to carry this.
Most days, I bury it beneath busy hands and silence.
But it always finds me—
in the quiet, in the stillness,
in the moments when her name rises to my lips
but never makes it past my teeth.

Grief is a kingdom,
and I am its prisoner.
There are no windows, no keys, no doors.
Only the ghosts of what could have been
and the weight of everything I didn’t say.

And yet somehow,
even in this shadowland,
I am still searching for light.