My childhood had exceptional ups and crummy downs. I also wasn’t the most well-mannered daughter. My mom always did the best that she could with what she had. Those are some of my best memories. Working 3 jobs and I was helping her with one. I could’ve done better, but I learned my lesson. I understand now that is how life is. One thing I also know now that I didn’t know then was that parents understand you. They know what they are talking about when they are having an important conversation with you, so make sure you listen. It’s for a reason and it doesn’t make sense at the moment. It makes little sense until later, when you least expect it.Ever since I can remember, we mainly lived in apartments and my mom was usually the on-site manager. It was always small communities, but it was home. I always enjoyed helping my mom and I would see my mom and how she was with the residents. At 16, she started having me help with a few tasks like answering calls, setting up showings, collecting rent and writing out the receipt. I hoped to be outside playing with my friends. Whenever my mom would ask me to help her, I would make faces. I was thinking my mom wouldn’t see. I just found out a few weeks ago that she knew all along. We can laugh about it now   It is something that I feel she was pushing on to me and was looking for other options to do after I finished school. I did one fast food job, which wasn’t for me. I had one retail job which also wasn’t for me. Since I had helped by mom, I had some experience in office work, so I got one job in property management. I was the leasing agent and who would’ve known that I would be so good at it? I stayed there for almost a little over 2 years.I moved and did retail pharmacy for 6 years; I did because I had to, not because I wanted to. The only bright side is I would see my coworkers. Property management was still a topic I would like to discuss. I’d offer advice to the customers when they’d mention something about the apartment they were living in. I quit my retail pharmacy job and didn’t know where I was going to next. It seems like no matter what I did, my heart was always with property management. I prayed and believed that if property management was truly my calling, an opportunity would present itself, considering my 10 years of experience.  I got hired by a temp agency telling them I wanted to try this again. Since it was a while, I preferred to go the temp route. I went to one position and I remember how excited I was to be there. That specific situation did not feel right, so I called the agency and they switched me right away. Speaking up instead of remaining silent was a moral decision, and I’m glad I made it. Because I respectfully advocated for myself, I accepted a temporary position with another company. I love to help and learn as much as I can, so I was excited to be a temp with this company. I have a tendency to ask what feels like a thousand questions. The people I would talk to were so helpful, understanding that I had limitations in my ability to help. I had to keep learning and continue to wait for an opportunity to show mainly myself that I can do it. The opportunity to prove myself showed up, and I showed out. It felt amazing to know I was on the right track. I got hired by the company. I worked for the company and gave it my all so much that my 1 year review was proof that I sure can do this and I succeeded. There was another opportunity that appeared and it was a company that I had worked for about 10 years ago. I love how life comes full circle. I didn’t have the experience back then that I did now.I ended up getting a job as an on-site manager. Once I was moving in, I called my mom. I told her thank you for showing me at the age that she did and for believing in me. I apologized for my behavior from when I was younger. It seems like my mom knew what she was talking about. She had seen something in me I didn’t and it took me time to believe that I can do it. I am so proud of myself for not giving up and believing in myself and being able to be a part of a community, just as I always have been. Home is where the heart is and for me, that’s being a part of a community. I am proud of myself for not giving up. It took sometime to believe in myself like my mom believed in me. I’d always remind myself that nothing worth having comes easy. If it was easy, then everyone would do it. That’s why it feels so great when you achieve it. Only you know how much you worked for that. No one sees your struggles behind closed doors and those are the toughest battles, but it’s ok you can do this because you deserve it.

That Time I didn’t give up.
I was in crisis feeling lifeless, but that didn’t mean that I loved life less. I just know I had to pass life’s test.
I had more blessings to go in my cup.
I had so much love.
Which is why I’m grateful for that time that I didn’t give up.
That time I didn’t give up.
Let me count the ways.
I gotta give God Praise.
I cherish my life that can’t be erased.
Remember you are strong and you are more than enough.
This life is so crazy rough.
Which is why I’m grateful for that time I didn’t give up.

To kids that’s struggles in school,

I was always that kid that stood out, the one that was just different from the other kids. I was either too energetic or too down. My hair was usually not brushed or taken care of, and my clothes were usually too small. Watching as all my classmates would get good grades and understand the lessons being taught, it began to affect me emotionally. I sat there feeling defeated every test, every report card, every honor roll ceremony. I gave my all to my work and just could not get it. I felt dumb and hopeless, and I gave up by about 7th grade.

As I walked through adulthood, I realized I was good at working. I have great leadership skills, and I can pick up pretty much anything that I learn quickly. A completely different me, I thrived (survived one might say) in adulthood. For about 10 years, I was a single parent to children who began to walk through the same educational difficulties as me.

I was sitting in a room with my oldest daughter, 7 at the time, doing homework when she screamed, “I’m so stupid!” her face resembled a tomato on a rainy day. This was just the beginning of my journey to advocating for my kids. Shortly there after, my daughter received an IEP, Independent Educational Plan. Within one quarter, she did a 360 with her grades. She was comprehending everything!

My oldest daughter is now in 9th grade, an honor roll student since 3rd grade, in an engineering program that will allow her to get an Associates in Engineering and her high school diploma simultaneously. She is projected to be the first college graduate on both my side and her dad’s side.

Along this journey of advocacy and educational equality, I’ve had to be my own teacher. I had to learn to be the student in order to understand the journey my children were on. My family and I faced so many barriers on this journey, each one becoming a necessary lesson to learn with very valuable knowledge. Today, I am on my 2nd IEP journey with my youngest daughter, and it is extremely empowering.

I’m able to offer so much to my children that I didn’t have access to. I’m grateful I get to show them my successes while watching them grow into these beautiful and brave human beings. Have faith and give yourself grace, but most of all, don’t give up! You can change where you’re at as long as you believe in you!

Yours truly,
Fellow Generational Curses Breaker

Dear reader who is going through hard times,
Being in the moment helps assess what lessons there are,
Experience is the cruelest teacher but it helps one along,
Pause.

One such moment that hits home for me,
My first year of college being only 17 or 18,
Standing on a stage alone without instrumental experience,
My slam poetry piece turned out to be the pits.

I had some decent rhymes,
Fluidity here and there,
But also tried smashing in all the syllables,
Until the message was deflated of all air.

Later found out,
It didn’t resonate with the crowd,
So separated from their ears,
Last place led me to make a self-focused vow.

The following school year I didn’t slam poetic words,
Had thought of giving up,
But that left me upset, perturbed.
Little did I know I’d be more invested than I was,

This writer since 8 years old
Became its planner without any kind of grudge.
Hired to plan the slam for the next four years,
I kept advising and guiding others into their writing gears.
Auditions in front of a small group of people,
Feedback for those who asked,
Making it understood inexperienced poetry
Shouldn’t lead to one’s soul being slammed.

Biggest event in the land,
At least while I crafted it my way,
That position reminded me to never give up,
And I keep writing to this day.

Hi Friend,

I hope I caught you at a good time. I heard that you needed some inspiration and motivation to not give up on life. I know everyone is talking to you about not giving up on school, your goals, your dreams, etc. But no one is talking to you about not giving up on LIFE.

First, let me give you a scientific fact about yourself that you may not know. Your brain is still developing. The part of your brain that you need to make rational decisions has not formed yet. It is in the formation process which is why you may feel like you are not making the right decisions. So don’t be so hard on yourself. Now that we got that important statement out of the way let me tell you a little about my story.

I know, firsthand, how life gets real for the youth. When I was 12 years old, I lost my younger brother to a car accident. Besides all the other things I was going through this incident rocked my life. Knocked me right off my square. Life, from that point, didn’t make sense to me. I was sad and depressed all day, every day. And every other emotion you could think of I felt also.

By age 15 I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t feel like I had anyone in my corner and the pain I felt in my heart wasn’t going away. And then I met some friends in high school who gave me hope. They made me laugh and smile daily. They wouldn’t allow me to sit in my misery. The funny part is that they never knew that I was internally sad because I didn’t talk about it.

When I met this group of friends I decided to not focus on my sadness. I decided that I was going to work on being happy. I decided that my life was important, and I wanted to see how far I could go in life. I decided that I was too young to be depressed and stressed. And this is what I need for you to do. It is okay to learn how to be happy from other people. You must learn somehow.

Oh, the one thing I left out is that I created a strong, consistent relationship with God. I prayed every day because that’s where all my strength came from. And before you say you are not religious, I want you to know that God isn’t religious either. He is love. All those love songs you hear is God expressing his love in various ways. You can’t spell love without God and yes, I know the letters don’t spell the name thing, but the meaning does. (Hopefully, you work on building a relationship with him yourself to get the full understanding of what I’m talking about.)

There is a verse in the bible, Jeremiah 29:11 that tells us that “God knows the plans for our lives which is to prosper. His plan is not to harm us but to give us hope for the future.” When I felt down, sad, and/or out of place I recited this bible verse to myself to remind myself that I am here for a purpose, and if I don’t live life intentionally I will never know what that purpose is. The same goes for you.

I know you are young, and you feel, as a youngster, that all you have to worry about is having fun. Which is true to some degree. No one wants to stop your fun. We just want you to have fun wisely so that you don’t make any mistakes that will come back to hurt the future.

You deserve to be a Lawyer, Teacher, Accountant, Astronaut, Supreme Court Judge, President of the United States, or whatever it is that you want to be in life. You deserve a happy life. You deserve a life full of peace and joy. You deserve all that and more, but you have to start appreciating life to get it.

And, I heard you say that life gets boring when you get older. That’s not true either. Life is what you make it. If you want a boring life, you will have one. If you want a life full of healthy fun and entertainment, you will have one. The life you live will be the life you created which is why I’m asking you to not give up on life but to think about how you want your life to look in the future.

And you are not too old to use your imagination. If you can see it, you can be it. What you call “imagination” adults call “manifestation”. Either way, I bet it will help and you will begin to see life in a different light. With the understanding that you are not going to stay young forever and that life gets better in time, with patience and consistent prayer.

I hope my story helped you understand that we all go through tough times at a young age. I hope my letter encourages you to stay strong and not give up on life but to look at life for what it is, a purpose to be filled by God.

Sincerely,
Danielle Davis
P.S. Matthews 6:9-13 teaches you how to pray if you don’t know how.

Its Time to Wake-Up

Stop the hating!
Can’t wait till you get caught.
“It’s just schizophrenia.”
No, its not.
“It’s time to wake up!”
I don’t want to wake up and listen to these whining bitches, yelling in my head, yapping hounds.
I don’t want to hear the screams that make my heart leap,
I have no privacy; they are inside of me.
Whispers through furnaces, running water of the shower.
Day after day
Hour after hour
Gets worse when the sun goes down
And I am alone to dwell
“Are they really real?”
“Demons?”
Quick turn the lights on.
When it comes to the unseen, I am a coward.
In the quietness of the night, I am over powered by this “nothingness” and I feel defeated by the power of this supernatural mental illness.
Whispers from cars that pass by, running water of the shower, the fans.
Day after day
Hour after hour
I can’t remember what I was thinking, what did I say?
What do you mean I was screaming at cars that passed by,
Screaming in the shower.
I know its just my imagination.
I don’t know what happened but why is this room padded.
You have to wake up.
I don’t want to wake up, I want to be left in the peace of being dead.
“Nobody likes you.”
Ok that’s it I’m getting up; I must not give in to these pieces of shit voices.
Anytime they want to be real I will be waiting
I’m not giving up
might be a cure. Might be a cure.
God I sure hope so.

I had a dream.

A dream not only to help others but to bring my passion to life.

My passion just happens to be dogs and that’s due to how they helped me through my trauma due to my childhood.

I didn’t know at the time how much they would be there and save me until later on as an adult; which I am now.

I wanted to give up having them and working with them because I didn’t have the support from family or friends (at the time) so I didn’t pursue it like I wanted to and lost my way for a while.

Then I found my husband who supported me and does still to this day.

I prayed to God to help me find my way and ultimately I have regained my passion and after almost giving up several times and recently I am not starting my dream.

Helping people and helping dogs.

Without God being there and being a constant in my life I wouldn’t be here where I am today.

Giving up sounds easy but there’s more to giving up then what you think.

Continuing can be a challenge but every step of the way I trust myself more, have gained more confidence than I ever have and making steps to becoming better.

If I gave up I wouldn’t be able to meet some wonderful people I am meeting and helping me start this wonderful journey.

If you don’t have support like you want then pray. I can promise you that will help than anything else.

And whatever you do, don’t give up.

Sitting here thinking about how far I have come
I would’ve never thought it would’ve been me
Just a year ago I was drowning in my depression
A pool full of tears
Im talking way past knee deep
I woke up everyday feeling like death was near
The grim reaper was the neighborhood watch that kept all trespassers away
It’s like I was living in a gated community that only housed me
Christ was right up the block
Less than a mile away
Life humbled me quick, it took my smile away
I was down bad everyday
I couldn’t even write a poem all I knew was to pray
Here I am a year later writing poems full of praise
Thanking God for a new life, Thanking God for his grace
Everything that was taken from me has been replaced
Reinstated, reimbursed
Karma had me feeling like my life was cursed
Obedient enough now to not make the same mistake again
I got my defense right
I’ll never give up even if I don’t win
Every L that I take is a life lesson
Change is necessary in order to keep progressing
Times may get tough just never give up
We don’t go through anything that we can’t manage
Trials and Tribulations make us who we are
We’re the ones to shine bright even in the dark

The gears have shifted again. I can hear my mothers voice in my head, remembering that one time on her back porch, deeply desperate and furious at everyone, her words echo like fire on my already gas soaked skin. Your not really mad at us, your mad at yourself. Livid and seething with rage, eighteen plus years later and im finally ready to address that. I had a revelation in the shower, and its hard to write down, because I don’t want to admit it, its easier for me to lash out at everything around me then to sit in my pot of rage and feel it, then process it. On this new path with exhilarating newness, there’s a deeper layer of wounds that I know must be addressed. So again I grab for the pot to puke out the toxins and the ride begins.
I’m angry at times I feel so overwhelmed with multiple defeating thoughts, that I feel as though I cant move like a paralyzed state of mind. My body feels as heavy as lead , while my soul is screaming to find release. I’m angry nobody taught me how to be ok with self, so that every little thing you do outside of me doesn’t crush my state of being. Doesn’t trigger me every time to a state of abandonment. I find myself, in my self made mind prison grasping for anything that would make this ache make sense. Ill feel whole if I had that job, ill feel complete if I had money to create art, to achieve my wardrobe, to buy the name brand shoes. All the while it just adds to the layers, as I get heavier, my movement seems to come to a crawl.
I’m angry. I’m angry at myself for feeling scared about a job, I’m angry because I’m indecisive like running on a treadmill getting no results. Perhaps this is the point, perhaps in Gods infinite wisdom he’s allowing me to finally get to the end of myself. I hate that im overweight, I hate that I’m afraid to get a job, I hate the level of self doubt that troubles me so deeply. I hate that at one point I felt secure and now I don’t. I hate that I feel like I should be doing more but like searching for something in the dark I cannot seem to find rest for my soul. The high has subsided, maybe it was a false high, and this feeling is real, perhaps that’s why I cant wear a mask and dance to this song. Its unknown. Perhaps its yet another layer of dying to self. I hate not knowing how to be ok at times with self, not able to return to old habits that once soothed but now burn immediately, I’m left with self.
Maybe I don’t like me because there’s a deep part of myself that could only love me from an outside source of contentment, and now those ideals and surface level survival traits are no longer available. What do I do? Is it really as simple as being utterly and completely dependent on God? I was at that place of complete abandon and I was so content, I remember inking and saying to God don’t let me leave this place, somewhere deep in side I knew I had to grow up. I don’t want to grow up, I do but I don’t, and I believe the I don’t part stems from fear. Its as if I’m starting another life all over again and I’m pretty sure the anger stems from it being all I’ve ever known to survive. To admit I’m scared to do new things, to make mistakes with a background of so much pain, has kept me stuck.
Theres a part of me, that vaguely remembers my little girl within, she had no one advocating for her, she got ignored and made fun of a lot, so she hardened herself, she observed her surroundings to become like you, she over extended herself to be enough. In the beginning There were things she was never able to obtain, like cool clothing or things to call her own, she shoved those things down because tending to everyone else’s sickness was more important to her than herself. When she got
2 / 2
older it was shoved aside for drugs to mask the deep pain. These things have resurfaced now, and im angry because I cant mask it anymore. I had a deep thought earlier today, while I’m in my head thinking I need to accomplish these things to obtain wholeness, what if I took off my self centered glasses and put them on the night stand for a minute, what if my job right now is in fact exactly what it is that I’m doing, Healing. Im actually doing a job that through generations hasn’t stopped destroying until it ran into me. God had this planned, and he’s provided. Even in times when I feel I don’t have enough, all I must do is trust him. What a higher adaptation of life I live in now, from the spiral haze of survival I used to find comfort in. The freedom satisfaction the gratifying fulfillment of my soul that no longer thirsts. Oh how dry I was. Brittle bones, clawing my way just to hold onto deception that kept me at bay, kept me just enough under water that what I thought was a drink was a slow choke and extinction of a full breath.
Oh but how glorious my light has broken through, oh how marvelous it is that I see, I’ve made it to the other side, and all it took was more of you and less of me. All along trying to push and pull, set the stage, fix the lights, the foundation that so entangled me was set in fear, the chains of bondage ripped my soul, as if hanging by a thread looked easy. What I thought was true love, was warped in your light filled apple that made me its puppet from lack of knowledge and naivety. All along all I had to do was let go, and learn to trust you, all along I just had to release. Oh but how gentle you are, dancing with me the whole time, patient and kind, forgiving and full of love, allowing me personal freedom to fail and get back up again. Unconditional. Believing in me when even I myself had lost sight. Breathing into me, what you’ve always known. The difference now is, because you took off my chains, I’ve put on my dancing shoes and together we sway, because together with you, makes me free to be me.

The year was 1996. Even though the weather was beautiful and there was a certain peace in the air; my nerves were on overload. My heart began racing the minute I decided to try out for my high school Cross Country team.This is the real kicker; I have never ran in my life. I had just transferred to St. Vincent Pallotti High School from Laurel High School. I wanted to be part of a team. More than that I wanted to meet new friends. My dad ran cross country in High School and was good at it. Secretly, I also had a mission to follow in my dads footsteps. The voices in my head were playing devils advocate saying, ” You can’t do this.” ” You have never ran long distances; your going to pass out.” Every negative thought was going through my head as my feet hit the ground!My heart began racing faster as soon as we lined up to start our five mile run. I begin to run; trying to zone every negative thought out. As team members passed me I began to ask my self why am I putting myself through this embarrassment. At this point my stomach is cramping, my legs are sore and I feel like my body is going to limp any minute. Next, I begin to dry heave. Oh no, I hope no one saw that. At this point I just want to quit but then something comes over me. My internal high says, ” You got this.” I came to this challenging course to prove something. Running is more mental than physical! First, I am going to make this team. Next, I am going to win at least one medal for the season and last I am going to gain self confidence where doubting my own ability is not the first thing that comes to my mind. Even though I wanted to give up more than once that day I didn’t. I went on that season to win multiple ribbons, medals and even coaches award. This all came out of a teenage young lady that never ran more than a mile before making the team. Running has stayed part of my family and my life. I am excited to be a Girls on the Run coach for 3rd-5th graders for three years now. My coaching style is a lot like my coach was back in High School. I coach to build up the girls self esteem, to strengthen their endurance, to prepare them for a 5K and above all to teach them a team is like a family. Teams succeed together! I love to inspire my own daughter to believe in her self as well. She is on her second year as a cross country runner. These core beliefs of teamwork, confidence building, hard work ethics and unity would of never came if I gave up back on that sunny day in 1996.

The day my daughter overdosed
on unrestrained nortriptyline,
all thought dispersed like filmy ghosts
afraid of ICU machines.

Six days my haunted vigil stretched
beside her comatose abyss,
devoid of reason, will, or self–
a graveyard for gaunt manuscripts.

Amid the dark recovery
that disinterred cold skeletons,
stiff rhymes became my therapy
and she transformed– reborn a son.

Despite his newfound happiness
and zest for life I’d never seen,
the phantom novel grew abcessed
beneath a stack of poetry.

Our dual awakenings
sloughed off unyielding zombie cauls;
alive with nerve, encores begin–
and now my words earn peer applause.

Is my mind fueling my body,
fumes to stay alive?

A stadium is created,
using the circumference of my skull,
hosting the event is my mind.

Body is weak,
eyes are heavy,
they fall shut right on time.

The event has begun,
front row seats,
observing the race around my psyche.

Lap after lap,
neck to neck,
light vs darkness,
race to the death.

Dwindling fumes,
cause tires to screech,
fragmented pieces,
indicate defeat.

Haunting words echo throughout,
piercing my ears with a shrieking sound.
“I won this race, I always will,
haven’t you learned your lesson, my dear?”

Checkered flag sways to signal the end,
fire ignited from within,
shadows appear out of darkness,
self proclaimed eternal damnation.

Much like a phoenix,
I shall burn,
before rising from the ashes.

For I now understand,
the race against darkness,
is only a race against myself.

I am the light,
I am the shadows,
I am everything in between.

The power to defeat dark forces,
begins with believing –
in me.

“Hold on, even if it means losing your sanity. There’s nothing more beautiful than seeing the strength of someone who can endure the depths of hell, and still remain an angel.”
Holding on during a time where there seems to be no hope can feel like an impossible task, at any point in our lives. It’s learning to live and adapt in less than optimal circumstances and trying to be strong through all of it at the same time. These are the moments no one prepares us for, because no one really can. We all have an idea of what life should be. We all have this image of what we want in life, who we want in life, and who we want to be; but life seems to always have its own plan and way of changing things. Sometimes it’s to teach us new perspectives. Sometimes it’s to teach us the true meaning of strength and in these moments we learn the meaning of perseverance and how to embody that character to survive mentally during all times in our lives. The good and the bad. These are the moments in our lives, which usually start at a younger age, where we learn how to read our surroundings. Where we learn that people around us don’t always mean what they say or do the things that they’re supposed to do. We learn with time, that let downs are a constant part of life, and it is crucial in these pinnacle moments that we learn to stand tall and remember that we also have to look out for the best interests for ourselves and our own well being at the same time. Knowledge like this never comes easy. It never comes without a price that none of us are willing to pay, but at the same time we have no choice but to face it head on when we are confronted with it.
One of the first things I learned, is no one has life figured out. We all face battles within that no one else knows about; and even if other people do know what you’re going through, life is merely perception based to each specific individual and experiences they live through. Even if they know what you’re dealing with, there’s no way for them to understand it. They may empathize and try to be there for you, but without experiencing life as you have, they can never fully understand what you’re going through. It’s important to let people in and let them be there for you anyway. Life already has the potential to be a cruel and vicious thing sometimes, when we have people who are at our sides, willing to try to understand and be there for you, it is important to let them. It’s a lonely road without having or allowing this support. I learned that the hard way. It is important to let people care about you, even if your trust has been broken. Love, no matter how fickle it seems, is the only thing that can ever truly heal us. Love, no matter the form of it, is something that we crave as a human species. I’ll forever stand by the notion that humans were made to love, and it is the absence of it that causes pain and turmoil in our lives internally. I think anyone grown will also tell you the same thing.
It is important to speak up and not bottle up our emotions. No one that truly cares for you wants to see you hurting. And even if they can’t take that hurt away, the people around you who care about you will do their best to protect you from experiencing anymore pain. And if you didn’t (or don’t) have many people who can genuinely be there for you in your darkest times, like I didn’t in my youth, it is ok to learn to become this for yourself as well. When the entire universe feels like it’s against you, you must teach yourself how to be your best friend, how to be your biggest protector, and become the person who loves YOU the most. More times than not, most people have no idea what we battle inside. Some of the people with the biggest smiles who appear to be the happiest people on earth, face demons that no one would ever guess. It’s seeing and knowing that broken hearts and traumas are the equivalent to living with broken ribs; you’re injured, you’re in imaginable pain, and no one else can tell by just looking at you. It’s knowing that something is broken and you feel the pain of it with every single breath you take, and no one else in the world can see it. Or feel it.
Self love was something I didn’t learn until later in life as an adult. I wish when I was younger I had someone to show me or teach me just exactly how much pain I would endure in life without it. It took unmeasurable tragedy and me staring into a mirror asking myself how I even got to that point, to even realize that all of the love I was seeking out in the world (in all the wrong places at that), was all the love that I was missing in myself, for myself.
I was never taught how to see past the truth that other people paint for themselves. I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. When you’re young and innocent, we assume that everyone means what they say, and does what they say they’ll do. We assume everyone has the best intentions as we do. We are not taught how to react to betrayal. We are not taught compassion or how to be gentle on ourselves when our trust is broken by the people who are supposed to love us; be it from our family at a young age, or our very first heartbreak in any form. These are the moments that we learn what pain is, where we endure tragedy to our hearts, where we see for ourselves that the world is far more cruel than we could ever imagine. Some of us lose ourselves along the way in this process, and it’s ok. We are all human. We all have to know at the same time, we can come back from anything, too. And sometimes, we have to learn the hard way. Sometimes we are rash and hard on ourselves or other people. And all of it is normal at first. This is where we learn and gain real knowledge of forgiveness and strength; all of it comes in the moments that we decide and choose to be better than the people who are inflicting pain onto us. It’s those moments that we decide, that we can choose to learn from all of it and choose to be nothing like them. It’s the decision to not become the monsters that torment our hearts and minds. And sometimes, just sometimes, it’s only after we’ve let it change us. Sometimes it’s not until it’s too late, or at least it will feel that way. It will feel like we’ve messed things up beyond repair with our reactions or our words. But let me tell you a secret, it’s never too late.
It’s never too late to forgive yourself for not knowing any better. You did the best you could at the time, with what you knew. This is where grace comes in. We must learn grace for ourselves, to get through it. It’s never too late to choose to learn from the pain. It’s never too late to decide at any moment, that you’re not going to let the pain control you anymore. Acknowledge it. Sit with it. Grow from it. Learn from it. This will be your rebirth. This will be the day where you learn the meaning of the word ‘Redemption’. This will be the biggest fight of your life. You will have to battle demons within that were hiding away in the deepest corners of your soul, finding the roots and source of their control over you and shining and pouring light into that part of yourself first. Growing and maturing as we get older comes with learning that we have everything within ourselves to overcome all the things we thought would destroy us. It never comes easily, and more times than not, most of us try to fight it. We try to reject what it is teaching us because we don’t want to accept that ‘this is really happening’. Sometimes we act on avoidance because it is easier to pretend it’s not there and it’s not affecting us, than it is to face it and fix it.
And you know what? All of it is ok. We are all merely human.it only makes sense that we live and love like one. We all make mistakes. We all do things we never thought we’d do or say. Tragedy can put us on a fight or flight mode, and without any guidance it’s easier to come off track. Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. Even those of us who are older who appear to have it all together, even those of us who look like we have it all figured out; I promise, we don’t. We are all learning. We are all growing. We are all on similar parts of our own journeys, trying to do better. Trying to learn more. The warriors with still faces. The empaths with bleeding hearts. The young souls who are still trying their best to navigate through life at the best of their ability with everything that life has thrown at them. No matter how graceful they move, there too was a time where we were self destructive in their life and had to learn things the hard way.
I’m here asking you to hold on. There’s so much more life left to live. There’s still so much more knowledge for you to gain, and there’s still so many people out there that you’re going to save with your story. Your testimony. Your legacy, even if your legacy is just your heart. You impact way more people in this world than you can ever comprehend. And I can’t wait to hear about your journey after. Hold on, because no matter how tragic, life is still beautiful. Love is still beautiful. It won’t be easy, none of it will be, but it will be worth it. The light is reachable even if you’ve lost it for some time. The dark can be beautiful and can teach us more than the light ever will at the same time. We need both to grow. We need both to truly live. We need both to truly love. It’s the paradox to life.
“They say all good things come to an end. And even though it may seem like a dark statement, I see hope in it;
Because there’s always a balance to life, to the universe. The yin and the yang to everything.
If good things must end, then that also means that all bad things eventually do too.”
-B. Vigil

Give up, never!
The challenges of life give greater
Satisfaction when struggling to overcome them.

Give up, never!
Through war planes, attacker
On our land, as my partner is an army officer.

Give up, never!
Through financial strains, being a mother,
Teacher, student, niece, aunt, cousin, daughter…
With duties and love to give as worries grow stronger.

Give up, never!
Going through bowl obstruction surgeries, recover
From that alone is like moving through quick sand, a surfer
Of intense pain, stilted, limited movements that border
On the robotic before getting better.

Give up, never!
Immigrating at fourty plus is no simple matter,
With two teens and two adults to give succor
As the cultural, geographical, and familial reservoir
Dwindles and altered to an extreme purveyor
Of loss as we embrace newer circumstances in horror.

Give up, never!
Through each trial, the sun does shine brighter
And belief that you’re being tested makes me stronger.

Give up, never!
Give up, never!
Give up, never!

©️ Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

Dear friends,

Have you ever wanted to give up? If you’re anything like me, that’s happened more times than you can count. One example occurred last week on my first ever cruise.

I would’ve had no interest in cruising, had it not been for my mentor. For simplicity’s sake, we’ll call him David. Before I found him, I was a loser in every way. No drivers license, no college degree, no “real” job, and no support system. All I had was a rare disease, a mountain of bills, and an artistic talent that everyone dismissed as useless. David, a brilliant but controversial artist in his own right, took me under his wing and encouraged me when I had nobody. The day we met, I made a promise. I would honor his belief in me by becoming someone worthy of it, and I would devote my life to giving back to him because if it weren’t for him, I would no longer have a life.

That promise brought me on a cruise ship. David and another gentleman were teaching classes on communication and marketing; studying under them was the next step to fulfilling my promise. The first day, David gave an assignment: record your shore excursions and post them to social media. I wanted nothing to do with that! Not only do I hate being filmed, but I don’t thrive in warm, sunny beach climates. Due to my disease, I have trouble balancing on uneven surfaces like sand, and migraines triggered by heat and bright light. I knew this excursion would be grueling, but I owed it to David to try.

Onn day 2 of the cruise, I was awake at 5:30 AM. My legs were so swollen it hurt to stand, but I did. I showered, dressed, ate breakfast, and met my excursion group at the designated place and time. A crew member led us off the ship, down four flights of stairs. What?! Nobody mentioned that! My balance issues make stairs difficult, but I was afraid I’d get lost if I took the elevator. Slowly but surely, I made it down the stairs and off the ship to wait for a tour bus. Even with sunglasses, the sun hurt my eyes! My legs felt like they were on fire, but I stayed in line until the bus came.

Two hours later, the bus arrived at the beach. I was so nervous! What if I tried to walk on sand and fell on my face in front of everyone? Cane in hand, I made my way to the nearest chair. I could’ve played it safe and stayed there, but this was my first time on a beach since I was ten. Who knows when I’d get to come back? It seemed a shame to waste the chance to swim in the ocean!

The cane helped me walk on sand, but I couldn’t take it in the ocean. The ground gave beneath my feet. The waves threw off my center of gravity, but I kept going. Just when I thought I’d found my balance, I tripped and fell in up to my neck. Everybody stared at me, some with derision, others with pity. A man offered to help me, but I refused. I didn’t want to look any weaker than I already did. I would get out of that ocean myself or die trying!

I returned to my chair, humiliated, frustrated, and ready to give up. Then I thought of David. What would I tell him when I saw him later? I knew he would forgive mistakes, but he wouldn’t want me to quit. So I tried again. This time, I was able to balance long enough to swim in the ocean and make it back to my chair unassisted. Despite many setbacks that day, it was worth it to see the look on David’s face when he heard what I did. His smile and kind words made every hardship seem so small!

For all my shortcomings, I’m not a hypocrite. I won’t give advice I can’t follow myself, so I can’t tell you to love and believe in yourself. Although I don’t love myself, I love David more than I hate myself. I don’t believe in myself, but I believe in him. As long as he believes in me, that’s enough reason to keep persevering.

My advice is to find something you can believe in until you can believe in yourself, be it a person, a pet, a religious figure, a hobby, a cause, a goal, anything. Dedicate yourself to that purpose, and work for it with everything you have. Maybe your dreams won’t come true the way you planned, but when you serve something greater than yourself, good things will come your way!

Good luck!