Dear past Liz,

Thanks for visiting me from time to time.
We survived everything that still haunts our mind.

You visit in flashbacks, pulling me into our teen bedroom or school.
Being bullied for our weight & wondering how people could be so cruel.

You were depressed, self harming, bulimic, & suicidal. Life seemed to pass you by while you just remained idle.

You’ve made mistakes & you’ve hurt others, like constantly fighting with your mother.

We’ve lived many lives, especially in survival mode, but God made sure that we never did fold.

I know life’s been tough, but nothing that you can’t manage.
You have a creative brain, remember to use that to your advantage.

Despite what people may say, you’re not a failure or a mistake.
You’re a beautiful creation that God did make.

You’ll be going places- if only you knew!
All because you have God that will never abandon you.

Dear 20-year-old Mandi,
Hi, it’s me. Well, it’s you. Ten years into the future, that is. You wouldn’t believe what life looks like now, yet you would be proud of how far you have come. At twenty, in 2015, I know you face much uncertainty as you leave your teen years and decide what to do with your life. You chose Elementary Education as your major and are in the midst of your college studies at Oklahoma State University. Working with children is your passion, and you have a God-given gift. You are now a second-grade teacher, and your students love you.
This may hurt, but you need to hear it: none of the guys you love in your twenties will choose you, but I promise you will be okay. Please, don’t waste your beautiful heart on them. The moment you stop caring about them is when you will feel peace. You’ll realize in time that you don’t need a guy. You have accomplished much more with your life than they have. Don’t believe me? You know how you just completed Composition I and II and thought, “I could teach this”? Well, you’re teaching it. Yes, you are now an adjunct professor at a Bible college, teaching freshman writing. How did that happen? Do I have a story for you…
In August 2023, you moved from Oklahoma to Billings, Montana, to attend Montana Bible College. You completed the 1-year certificate in Biblical studies. You needed a break from teaching and wanted a relaxing, healing year. Several of your professors became curious about you throughout the first few weeks. The other students were 18-year-olds; therefore, some of your work stood out. Professors began sending students struggling with writing to you, and you tutored them.
One of your classes was a beginning writing course: Effective Written Communication. During the first class, your professor overheard you talking about your time in graduate school. He seemed surprised that you were taking his entry-level writing course. You told him you loved writing and felt you could learn more from him. The last week of September, he approached you during class. He asked, “Has the Vice President of Academic Affairs reached out to you yet? I hope it’s okay, but I told him you should be the school’s writing tutor.” He had said a student in his writing class loved to write, had a Master’s in Reading and Literacy, and was tutoring students out of kindness.
Soon after, the Vice President of Academic Affairs approached you and asked you to be the school’s writing tutor! You met with him to discuss the position. Towards the end of the conversation, he said, “I have something else I would like to talk to you about. I don’t need an answer now, but I would like you to teach a class here this Spring. How would you feel about that?” This was completely unexpected, but a pleasant surprise. The class was called Teaching Children. He heard from your writing professor that you had 5 years of teaching experience and a Master’s degree, and it was a perfect fit.
Your first evening as a professor, you were very apprehensive. Having never taught college before, you were experiencing all the anxiety and doubt that comes with trying something new. However, no one seemed to doubt your ability or whether you deserved this position. It wasn’t long before you became comfortable in front of the classroom, even though you were now in front of 20-year-olds instead of five-year-olds.
As the semester came to a close, you knew you didn’t want to return to Oklahoma yet, but also didn’t know if you should remain in Montana. Until you received an email from the Vice President of Academic Affairs requesting to meet with you regarding your future with Montana Bible College. He informed you there was an opening to teach the writing course and asked if you would be interested in teaching it. You said, “Absolutely”!
The rest is history. You are now a writing professor, like you’ve been dreaming. You’ve become a fearless, accomplished woman who still loves writing and writes as much as possible. Please don’t forget how much you love to write, even in those darkest moments. Writing always brings you joy; make time for it.
Well, you made it. You’re thriving. At thirty, your words are inspiring college freshmen. Now, I am waiting for a letter from our 40-year-old self, telling me we have finally published our novel…
Anyway, I’ll keep you posted. Keep praying and keep writing!

30-year-old Mandi

Style Score – 83%

Dear Past Self,

I know there are questions that are currently unanswered and at this moment, there is no guarantee that things are going to get better. However, I can guarantee that soon your dreams will shift into reality. The journey there will be rocky, but you are built for it. I dislike having to tell you, it will take time to get to there, however, the destination will be rewarding. The reward will come as an angel that your soul has already claimed and you will name her Mia A’Lani. She will fill your heart full, and then you will gain understanding. You will understand why the road you had to walk led to her. I do also have to make you aware that life will continue to toss and turn. You will want better and to be better for your dream come true and because of Mia, change will be easy. There will be a purpose with Mia, always. She will be your happiness for the rest of time. After all, she is all you ever hoped for. Just hang on, I know you have no problem hanging on and staying strong, but this is your confirmation that dreams do come true, happiness is genuine and love is waiting for you, too. 

Style Score : 89%

Hidden behind mazes of smiles, added to every page of your book (sometimes overlapping): I see you.
For every tear left unanswered, my gaze will hold you an extra second. Through each challenge and in the centre of any storm, may you discover my eyes. Trust that they hold infinite space to carry you. Allow yourself to feel the words as they echo, Love, and let their alchemy sew the wounds asking to be healed. Fore, I know every fold. You are an origami, whose complexity I will never fear. Forget the overwhelming tension between chaotic bustle and terrifying void.
The melodic whisper instilled in your essence is far more important.
Despite the absence of certainty, even though you were handed silent and invisible pain, you find the strength to stay curious. “I can’t let it end like this. I need to know how the story really ends!” I cherish your resilience to this day.

Being protective of your younger siblings never felt like a choice, but like your duty.
Because you never wanted them to go through any of the feelings passed on to you.
And you don’t want to leave them. You wouldn’t want them to miss you if you left.

Nor do you want them to know
…the lacks you are trying to make up for.

I am here, now. Your fears can rest, your worry can cease, because you will never be alone again: I found you.

To the little girls in you who were lonely, forgive my absence. You were not forgotten, you were my only purpose. I didn’t let you go, I let you grow. I didn’t want you to suffer, I had to become better, stronger and properly healed. My purpose was to fabricate your safe space. The adult whose support you will count on. The best friend who always wants to play with you. The love you crave, desire and deserve.

My Love, know that you will leave the aspiration to be perfect along the way. And if there is a leader in me today, it is because of your stubborn and beautifully flawed self. Your existence was never a coincidence. Your difference is not a curse, it is your most reliable advantage.

Whether you choose to believe some, none or all of my words is up to you.

I too wonder how the story really ends.

Style score: 100%

To The One Who Didn’t Kill Herself,

Tilting my chin, gazing into the mirrored reflection

Gentle stillness takes seat in my core

Truth whispers in a familiar tone

The girl gazing back at me

She is my conscious creation

Like a skyscraper in the night

Her essence built by each stone I set

The storms had tried to knock her down

Yet she stood resilient in the winds

My internal torment, swallowed with light

 The demons pushed out to shrivel into the night

Death would not take me

She was there as my protector

Sprinkling her fairy dust on me

The entire time unknowingly

Protecting me from myself

Holding my hand out to touch her

Heat pulsating through my raised palm

Her hand meets mine

A spark of connected fire making me jolt

Bright embers surround my body

Sheltering my spirit from the death attempted upon it

A visitor from the future always with me

I see now that I created you

In order to save myself

We were always one.

ProScore-100

Dear Past Me,

People have used you as a pawn- a stepping stone for their own story; Used at their convenience, disregarding the consequences for you. This started early on and has been an ongoing thing. It never happened with people you did not know-they were all trusted. It was a best friend, a teacher, a coworker, and a loved one. Having your trust broken so many times, you believed you did not deserve to be loved for all of you.

You tried speaking up the first couple of times, but when you were told that it did not really happen, you made yourself believe it wasn’t that bad. Each time it happened, your self-esteem plummeted to an all-time low. The questions of why were you not good enough and what you did to deserve this began playing repeatedly as your anthem. The screams and the agony woke you up throughout the night so often that you did not want to fall asleep. You felt desperate for someone to see your pain, so you made the scars visible. The weight of the world continued to pull you down lower and lower until you wanted to break. It’s a never-ending nightmare that is engraved in your brain.

You will learn tough lessons every day, regardless of whether or not you have them scheduled: how to become vulnerable, uncomfortable in the quiet, and how to recognize that the past version of you is not the enemy. Despite these terrible memories, they have become a necessary key to who you are today. It will become natural for you to no longer apologize for existing. The tolerance for gas-lighting is minimal, your self-worth and esteem are continuing to grow, and the ability to see through people’s deception has improved.

You will continue to look for someone to be proud of the hell you have survived. The ultimate lesson for you will be you are your biggest cheerleader. You must be proud of yourself, because it is no one else’s responsibility to do so. This does not come as an effortless task, but as a reward to yourself. A prize that you have fought so many years to achieve.

Let me finish by saying this. I am proud of what you have overcome when no one would believe you; That you continued to fight to heal those invisible wounds that were so visible to you. Pride would not acknowledge the strength and courage it has taken you to continue fighting when you wanted so often to give up. The screams that you thought no one could hear- I hear them- and I will continue to fight for you. The pain that you endured for so long will not go in vain. You will find someone who accepts you for who you are, and you can finally let your light shine. It is worth the hell you are going through now. One day, you will see that.

Love,

Future You

Style Score: 68%

To that Light Bulb in East New York,

The one who thought survival was the only goal.
I see you.
Shining on that stoop wondering why Moochie never came back.
Walking to school with a chip on your shoulder and the heat separate from the clip.
Trying to make sense of abandonment while protecting a young mother who was starting to slip.
You should be proud.
Not just because you made it out, but because you never stopped believing that there was something more.
You didn’t know the vocabulary of faith, vision, or legacy.
But the flame was lit in you.
It flickered in the way you hustled, the way you watched, the way you listened.
You had the guts to dream out loud, even when your environment tried to silence you, the darkness tried to hide you.
And now?
Now you’re leading.
Now you’re writing about love, talking with integrity.
Now you’re turning life lessons into launchpads and pain into platforms.
Now you’re talking about truth and boldly advocating for transparently.
You don’t wear a mask to fit in anymore and you now build spaces where others can take theirs off.
You’re not running from your past, you’re using it as proof of God’s grace and your grind.
So, if you ever feel unqualified, remember this:
Light bulb didn’t survive without a purpose.
He survived so the new you could SHINE… something no one thought possible.
And together… y’all are dangerous in a Godly way.
With love, pride, and purpose,

Shawn Tyrell

It’s taken a little longer to get here than originally planned, hasn’t it? Growing older teaches you that not everything happens according to your plans or timeline. Who would I now be without the deep experiences that tender heart journeyed? Grandmother always said to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, but she was from a harder time and we made it through, anyway.
That sleeve, though it’s tattered, is still hanging in there with wisdom beyond the years you suffered. That sleeve dries more tears than just yours, too. It’s a place of non judgement and advice to other women just like you. I need to apologize to you, though.
I know it’s painful to remember the moments he would hurt you, yet you chose to stay. Please forgive me for the trips to the dentist to remove your remaining broken teeth and the smile you lost for so many years because of embarrassment and shame. For the days you missed work because you couldn’t hide the bruises. For the homes, family and friends you lost because of his merciless chaos. Some said you were dumb for staying, some said you were a glutton for punishment. You had nowhere and no one else to turn to. It wasn’t desperation or stupidity that kept you in his grip. It was the fear of not making it on your own and the cruel things he did to make sure you stayed living in that fear. You should not be ashamed that your heart continued to love, even though they did not deserve it. Those decisions didn’t make you weak; you were truly the strong one. Don’t fear, little self, no one will ever hurt you like that again.
It pains me to see the sadness in your eyes as I look back. What they tried to make you believe, you’ve exceeded. You’re no longer the woman who pretends she’s got it all together, slowly dying inside. You’re more than the brunt of his punches and self loathing. People call you by your name now and you smile more and more each day. The world needs to hear the woman you were from the woman you are today. One foot in front of the other now, you’ve got solid ground you’re treading.
(pro writing aid style score: 83%)

Hello love.
I hope this finds you at a good time. 
I hope the space you take up in my chest 
Is covered in cherry blossoms 
And all the love you were never given.
I promise this won’t take long.

The place you now rest in my ribcage,
woven together with vines and fauna,
is my favorite place to find my strength.
I hope you know, the day I lost you,
the words stuck in the back of my throat  
unraveled so completely  
that I am still spewing their music. 
I hope that one day I can show you,
we are no longer the only ones who listen.

I hope somewhere along the way  
The wind grew tender as I changed. 
I used to fight with the spray of cold.
my callouses have come back  
but I stopped clenching my fists.
You didn’t ask me to, but I soften anyway.

I have never stopped searching
For the ones that would love you
for every flower petal and shard of tree bark
that you has ever brushed your fingertips
After all you made me, it is the least I can do.
You survived everything you said you couldn’t 
Traded your sanity for a chance at mine, 
and the only predictability you’d ever known 
to use as rash kindling for a wild inferno
that is now blazing its way up from my belly.

I miss you more than I could say.
When my chest cannot capture air,
and this fire in my stomach stutters in place,
when I wonder how long it would take
for the dirt smudged on my bruised cheeks
to reclaim my lifeless vessel,
I feel your heartbeat in my chest.
I feel you and I know
that you are proud
of this wildfire and wind I have become.

Style score: 100%

What would the old version of yourself say to the new version of you?

Dream big little girl. As you played in the streets with your friends and your sister, you never thought you could ever dream. You walked to school on those cold winter days and entered a classroom to start your day. The world seemed so small, but yet it was so big. As I looked up, down and around, I never knew the world would embrace me and take me into its wings. Thoughts went on and on in my mind, dreaming there was something bigger, better than me. I wanted to reach high and try new things because the world was always curious to me. What was out there in the world? A world full of choices, one choice here and one choice there. Having to choose who I wanted to be, and I really didn’t even know myself. I was still growing and experiencing the world around me. Having a safe family who cared for me gave me power. As I used my imagination and I became older, I had then made decisions that would affect me forever. No longer could I depend mother. It was me this time who had to make tough decisions so that I could dream for myself. I would say to my older version that to dream was to win! The world I envisioned while looking up in the stars as a child was the same world I envisioned as I grew older. I was now not the little girl who had a dream, but it became a reality within, especially as I grew big. A dream to go far, but now I was naked without my mother. I had to become the adult. I had to learn to make those dreams come alive. So, I would say to my younger version of myself, thank you for dreaming. Now, as I have become older, I now have to remind myself that those dreams I had as a child can now soar into action. I have the talent and skill to make it happen. Life helped me to rise to the occasion, and I fought the fight to win to become the woman that I am in this world that is so big. I am writing you a letter today to say thank you to my older self! Your choices that you made while in those hard times, the times I fell down, and I got back up and for the times I never gave up. Thank you for the time I listened to my inner voice that said you will be big someday. Just carry on. Now satisfied as an older woman. Life seemed longer for that little girl. However, I grew into a grown woman. I still dream, but now my dreams can come true as I put forth the effort from way back when, to help me be a better person, as I am still continuing to grow. I look back and I look up and I remember the stars. The stars yes, they are still shinning and reminding me I can still dream! And I can make it happen!

My Style Score was 100%

Sorry this message finds you late, lost in doubts;
Like a lingering letter left at the lake house.
From your former self, the one you put on the shelf,
With faded red capes and some wooden staves;
Comics gathering dust, imaginary bat caves.
You’ve built spaceships and castles in the sky.
Now you’re more concerned with your piece of the pie.
You abandoned those vigilante dreams and energizing themes.
No more crime-fighting schemes. You left that scene.

You needn’t necessarily navigate the night,
Neutralizing the nefarious, loving the fight.
Not too many problems are solved with a fist.
When they are men in suits like Wilson Fisk.
But that fire for justice can’t be extinguished,
Even when taking on enemies more distinguished.
Don’t allow life to plunder the remains of your childlike wonder.
Your courage’s intact, don’t go under, run towards the thunder!

I’ll be here for you when you get the time…

But I’ve been waiting since ‘99, when I wrote this last line.

(Style score 68%)

To Young Chris,
You will live your life in a community of people who will come and go. They will agree and they will argue. No one will ever see the world the same as another, a fact that can both fortify or tear apart any relationship.
Don’t worry about what other people think of you; they do not know your experience. You can do whatever your heart desires; you will be great. Keep in mind you should not live by the fear that governs someone you love and trust. Guard yourself from being influenced by her rules, her warnings, her harsh criticism. You do not have to live within her walls; built to protect her. She has fought many battles of her own, leaving her wise and strong. She will give you gifts beyond compare. You will uncover them in time; her gifts will be your treasure.
You will spend so much of your life doing beautiful things. Success is yours with each new thing you do; you will struggle. When something ends, it is not failure, as each ending marks a beginning. Each time you fall, you will get up and dust yourself off. Raising your family will bring so much joy; there will be times your children raise you, let them. Trust yourself, trust your faith, howl at the Moon. The Sun will warm your back and you can dance in the rain. Marvelous things are in store for you, so don’t hide, accept the gifts with gracious exuberance. Each challenge you face will sharpen your wit, exercise your patience, and uncover knowledge that was buried deep within. You will never be alone; there are new friends with every smile you share. Believe me, there will be bitter tears. This path has many perils. You are strong, resourceful, and resilient. Sorrow will feel like an inescapable abyss. Let the dark embrace you like a protective covering. When you are ready, the joy in the light will be incredible. You will have no regrets.
No matter what is going on in your life, remember that you don’t need to be perfect to be loved. You can achieve whatever you want to achieve. The choices you make will always be the right choice for you. Take that trip to Nepal, Hike the PTC. Ride all the horses and bring your kids. Being a little feral is good for all of you. Life is to be lived; everything will turn out just fine. Believe you can, and you will.

Hello Old Self,

You didn’t deserve what happened to you. The pain doesn’t define you. Yes, you are better than how you are being treated. Your emotions are valid. It’s okay to admit our father disrupts our peace. He brings nothing to our life but false hope after 23 years. Tell the woman that brings you peace that you’re falling in with love her. The strength you need is within your soul, heart, and mind. You aren’t worthless. Life gets better for you, even though I know it feels like the world is crashing down. Our new beginning starts with the love within us. We are divine. True love makes us feel like we are not alone. We are light, even through the dark. It’s okay if our light slowly is dim it is not permanent. You’ll finally feel peace once we set our hurt free. You know that great, sunny-day feeling? Where the wind is rustling through the leaves in a tree, or when you see a kid flying his kite as the birds fly above. Everything surrounding you is divinely beautiful. This is what to look forward to. The joy awaits you in the end.

You were born with your name in the lights. Your eyes were bright and their twinkle inspired your name. Your nick name. You were Twinkie then, and you are Twinkie now. Cute. Unassuming. In line and in check. Your survival depended on diminutive silence. Yet, you laughed from your belly. Your smile mimicking the matriarchal undertones you understood as mother. Grandmother and mom. You didn’t understand the gift carried in your smile’s beam. For its light seemed to illuminate pathways for everyone else. You would bloom.

Responsibility and its terms for life seemed natural to you. Elders applauded you for your self sufficiency. The applause was loud. Cries for eldership to step in, step up and raise you went unheard. So at 37, you’re up at night realizing piercing truths that leave your heart tender.

You had well intended guidance from elders. And your upbringing was lacking—and although that is not your fault, it is your problem.

Upon this realization, you’ve let many tears flow. I am proud of the ways you’ve allowed your heart to break. You’ve been diligent in your efforts to understand yourself. You’ve made heart space for those pivotal to your blooming.

You were mom’s light, even when it felt heavy. When mom’s addiction ravished your baseline understanding of character and moral, you found comfort in survival. You held emotions beyond your young mind’s scope in order to maintain a relationship filled with many things unsaid.

It took you many years to say it out loud. You said: I am angry with you mom. I hate the way you handled me in my dad’s illness and death. I felt so alone in it all. The whispers echoed and God sang back to you. When you needed a friend most, there was grief, melodic and soul stretching. A rite for your passageways. A raising.

Pivotal in your most recent blooming is the realization of grief and its effect on your understanding of life. I am most grateful for your willingness to unearth life’s greatest mysteries. Empathy and kindness fill the deepest crevice of your heart. You are remarkably resilient and magical. I need you, always. Today, I am—in virtue of your bloom.

Style Score 100

I met my younger self for coffee.
She was fifteen minutes late.
I was a few minutes early and made sure to grab a table outside.
We are both wearing loose fitting clothes and no bra.
Her eyebrows are overplucked where mine have grown in.
She apologizes and tells me she’s a little hungover.
I laugh softly and tell her it’s okay.
I mention I don’t drink anymore and ask her what she did last night.
She said she went to a party with her boyfriend, but his ex-girlfriend was there.
I know that she drank too much to settle her nerves because she never feels good enough.
I don’t have it in me to tell her we still feel that way.
Finally, we order.
She gets an iced vanilla latte.
I order an herbal iced tea.
I tell her I don’t drink coffee or caffeine.
She asks why, and I tell her it makes me anxious.
I tell her my heart is sensitive.
I look in her eyes and can sense she feels the same but can’t admit it.
I tell her it’s so good to see her.
I grab her hand which is the same as mine although we are different people.
I look at her body knowing she still feels safe in it.
Detached, maybe, but safe.
She hasn’t yet known grief or fear or sickness.
I wish I could remember what that feels like.
She tells me it’s good to get out of the house.
I tell her this is the first time I’ve left my apartment all week.
I explain I finally have my own place, and it’s been the happiest time in my life.
She says she can’t wait to live by herself one day, and we both agree we love spending time alone.
She tells me she’s going to the movies after this.
She loves film and wants to work in Hollywood.
I tell her I used to work in Hollywood and think it’s overrated, but I love movies, too.
I tell her I am going to church after this.
She says she doesn’t believe in God.
I look closely at her skin and wish I still had it.
It’s rosy and sunburnt from her spring break trip to Mexico.
She says it was the first time she’s been out of the country.
I tell her I’ve been to over twenty and even lived in Paris.
She says her mom loves Paris, but they haven’t spoken in months.
I tell her to call her mom while she still can.
I then give her a hug goodbye and struggle to let go.
I want to tell her I’ve searched for her everywhere and have fought endlessly to feel like she does right now.
My eyes swell with tears, but she just smiles and tells me we’ll see each other again in a few years.

ProWriting Aid: 100

Hello my dear,

          I cannot put into words how incredibly proud you have made me. When all odds were against you, when your life was on the line, when you had nobody in your corner. You fought, you gave it everything you had and I am so pleased to inform you that you made it! You and I both know your path has not been easy; is anyone’s journey in life easy? 

Betrayed by everyone who crossed your path. Human beings who vowed to keep you safe endangered you with zero regard for your life. While seeking justice, answers for your treatment, their response was silence, cold shouldered and treated as less than. How dare they?

Your mental capacity was at its peak, you were weak. Family and friends turned a blind eye to your pain, cracked jokes and while in your lowest valley, the last bullet came from those you loved most. Those you believed loved you in return. Their last shot crumbled your entire foundation.

You laid lifeless, curtains closed, hair a mess. Your mind a blur as you processed the abuse you had endured. Civil servants giving the hardest blow, yet not one willing to own the role they played. Their actions infuriated you, an anger you had never felt before. Little did you know this negative emotion would be the light of your rebirth.

          A phoenix rising from the ashes, reborn, stronger than ever before. For you, this is a new beginning. The reminisce of the old you linger, yet this is no longer you. For you have been reborn into something brand new. A fighter, a believer, a mother, a wife, a survivor, a woman of elegance and grace. A woman reborn from none other than his grace.

          Lessons on lessons needed to be learned. But how does a man who cannot speak show you the way? You are not the only one who has had a hard time. Each soul has their own story to tell. Unique in their very own way, finding purpose in your pain is the only way. Now you sit in a house full of calm, no justice served, yet no anger at all. A heart full of love, a mind shed of confusion. A new purpose in life has been born.

          So here is my letter to you. I played a role in your life. I’ve created a past full of stories. Now my question to you. Will you allow your past to define you, or will you rise from your own ashes and make a life full of glory by beginning to write your own story?

Sincerely,

 Myself

Writing Style score on ProWritingAid is 100%

I’m sorry. Lillie, I am so sorry for everything you went through. For every feeling you felt. Every fear you had. I honestly don’t know how you made it through as well as you did. I know a lot of your prison walls were your own walls you built. But I also know you picked up on our families actions and vibes as well, which laid the foundation for so many walls and beliefs about yourself. 

I heard every wish you made. Every prayer. Every self-destructive thought. I was a passenger with all your reckless behaviors. I was there with you through every attempt you made. You walked through pure hell back then and somehow survived. The jealousy you felt watching mom take care of our little sister when she didn’t take care of you. But remember, our big sister took care of us because she was so excited to have a baby in the house. 

You were loved Lillie. I know it didn’t seem like it then, but you were only 5. Our big sister took care of you and kind of took you away from mom. But when our little sister came, mom had to take care of her because she was a baby, and you were in school by then. So maybe let’s try to give ourselves some empathy. And remember, our parents didn’t know you felt different. They just heard us saying things like we wanted to be a cheerleader or gymnast. They couldn’t know what was in your head. And that’s not your fault either princess, because even though you knew you were different; you didn’t have the vocabulary nor thinking skills to verbalize those things. 

I remember when momma sat you down and told us you were adopted. You have to admit that she broke the news to us delicately and made you feel so special. But I also remember the betrayal you felt that our birth parents so carelessly cast us aside and kept the next child they had. Honey, our birth mom was a child herself when you were born, and she couldn’t take care of us. And sweetie, we were so much better off being adopted. One day you’ll understand that. 

I was there your very first day of conversion therapy. I wish I had the words to comfort you for what you went through in those sessions. You were such a brave young girl, and you played the game to get out of there. But I know that the messages and reprogramming you received did a lifetime of damage to you. Sweetness, I need you to remember the time you’re growing up in. People like us weren’t understood back then. There’s no internet to find out you are far from alone in this world. 

But here’s what I can tell you, Lillie. One day, you’re going to be a woman. You’ll transition, you’ll have surgeries to give you the correct anatomy and you’ll be so happy. I can’t promise you that things will always be easy, but I can promise you that not only will you survive, you’re going to feel like your soul has been healed. And even better, because of everything you endured, you’re going to be an advocate for others that are scared to speak up for themselves. You’re going to help so many people. In fact, you’ll even one day change a state law that helps thousands of trans people in our state. 

And not only that. But you’ll have some pretty great bonds with people. You’ll have kids that absolutely love you to pieces too. And everything you’ve gone through is going to make you an amazing parent. Sweet girl, I know you’re hurt. I know you’re angry and so confused. But I promise you, I’m going to spend so much time with you. I’m going to let you vent and whatever else you need to let go of some of these feelings. Anytime you need me you just talk to me, and I promise I will always listen and show up for you princess.

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