Dear Unsealers,

This note is something that I’ve done for the last two years. As my friend Chari Pere posted about the things that she had done in the last year. The following is this years list.

In the last year…

I’ve moved on from a job of eight years and found a new, albeit temporary job

The trip to Italy happened after a two year delay

I took in the view from the roof garden of The Met

The Roger Waters concert at MSG happened after a two year delay

I’ve taken to reading and posting my poems on Instagram, Youtube, Swell & Tiktok

I had a mini Made To Do This reunion in person, meeting Rachel Jackson, Kristina Tickler Welsome & Jayati Vora for dinner

I awoke the abundant me

I took in the beauty of “The Beautiful Blue Danube” and clapped along to “The Radetzky March” during the Salute To Vienna concert .

I’ve completed Amy Kay’s “Poem A Day” challenge during NaPoWriMo

I got to see the musical “Company” during it’s Broadway run

I got to meet Victoria Williams during her stay in NYC

I challenged myself by taking Megan Falley’s “Poems That Don’t Suck” course

I’m hosting an open mic for writers and poets with disablities on 3/30

I have my next trip booked for the end of September, to Greece; with one more on the cards before the year ends.

I’m taking steps to become a more independent adult

I know this list doesn’t cover everything that’s happened in the last year.

I’m trying to move my life into a more positive direction

It doesn’t feel like things are happening, though

I won’t stop trying to make forward progress with my life.

Posted on the first anniversary of my Pepere’s passing.

I absolutely adored my Pepere* Hebert. He was a man larger than life and a heart of gold. When I was younger as a joke he would take the Doritos that I would have with my lunch, which would send me into a fit of crying because those were my favorite chips. As I grew older I saw both a silly and sensitive side to my Pepere. One day he would be giving his bride, his wife of over 50 (maybe 60) years a hotdog as a Christmas present, the next he’d be comforting me over the phone and reminding me that he loved me as I cried about lost friendships. I adored this man that would do anything for his family, that would do anything to see me smile. He was my hero saving the day countless times whether it was pulling a pin my sister had gotten stuck in her foot out of her foot (because I was too scared and squeamish to do it myself) or whether it was driving two hours to pick up my prom date whose car had broken down so that I didn’t have to go to prom alone. Every weekend he would take a leisurely ride past those of the children and grandchildren who lived in the area. My mom tells me he did this to make sure we were all ok. I grew up visiting him and my Memere almost every Friday night. If we ever skipped a Friday he was sure to call on Saturday asking when we were coming over. And when we were about to leave he would also exclaim “sabre** come again.” Anyone who visited was sure to feel welcome by the warmth of my Memere and Pepere’s home and the love that they exuded. Both of them were so generous with their time, treasure, and talent.

Perhaps the greatest lesson that my Pepere taught me was to never give up. Though he had several health issues he was never one to sit on the sidelines and wait for death. He found different ways of doing his hobbies. Around Thanksgiving of 2022 both my grandparent’s health declined and they were both in the hospital. My Pepere pressed on and started doing better. My Memere’s health unfortunately declined and she passed away on December 23rd (I’ll write a letter about how much I loved her later on). The funeral for her came and went. The months in between my sweet Pepere couldn’t catch a break. His health was declining. My mom and her sister would visit every day to take care of him and help him with things. In February my parents came downstate (I live 7 hours away from them but still in the same state) to attend another loved one’s funeral. After the funeral we got the news that my Pepere’s health was declining and the end was near. I packed my bag and made the choice to head up North to see him one last time. Little did I know that I would be the one that he would choose to be beside him holding his hand when he was actively dying. I noticed his eyes were sort of open, but they were a different color than the deep brown they had always been and they were glazed over. I called for my mom and she told me it wouldn’t be long. She was right. He passed away within minutes.

I took bereavement time off from work to attend the funeral and to process all that had happened. Trying to move forward and to create some sense of normalcy I decided to go to a little café/gift shop for breakfast that day. I ordered and ate my breakfast. Then I lingered to look at what was in the gift shop. Amanda Gorman’s book “Call Us What We Carry” caught my eye. I debated whether or not to buy it in my head. As if reading my thoughts this little old man seated at a table not far away asks if I know who that is to which I respond yes. He then asks if I am going to buy the book and I answer that I am not sure. Without skipping a beat this man pulls out $20 and places it in my hand and tells me to buy the book. He tells me he does a nice thing for someone every day and today I was the recipient of his kindness. I could’ve cried right then and there. This man didn’t know me, he didn’t know that I had just lost my Pepere, he didn’t know I was grieving, he didn’t know that I had come to this café to find some normalcy when my world had been crumbling down. The only thing this man knew was that his kindness mattered. That moment didn’t cure the grief that I was and that I still feel about the passing of my Pepere, but it sure did bring a smile to my face. I believe that my Pepere put this man in my path to show me that he was watching over me.

That day the little old man was a testament to the quote “everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about. Be kind.” I issue that same challenge to you today. Be kind to everyone you meet. It doesn’t have to mean buying something for someone, it could be as simple as smiling at someone or opening the door for them or entering into conversation with a stranger. You’ll never know how your kindness will impact another person. Let us choose to carry kindness with us wherever we go.

*Pepere is the French word for grandfather. It is pronounced pep/ehh. Memere is the French word for grandmother. It is pronounced mem-ehh.

**Sabre cannot be directly translated but is a French expression that indicates happiness, joy, contentment. And it was always said with that disposition too.

Dear Self,

As I look back into my past actions, I realize that there were things that I should have changed. It’s interesting how so many authors, politicians, philosophers have written about ‘the past’ in relation to our present selves, but we continue to belabor the point. McCarthy states in All the Pretty Horses, that “Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.” Without this reminder, we won’t learn the lessons that the past has taught us, but rather repeat them mindlessly as if we don’t know any better. As I recall my worst mistake, I realize today, that it could have been circumvented by simply communicating clearly. However, if you’re like me, and the problem is within the family, you omit speaking in order to be respectful and not hurt the feelings of those you love.
I’ve also learned, that when you speak your mind and express yourself concisely, you get the result you need: understanding. Without talking, how can others know how you’re feeling, or even how you’re affected by a particular event? Added to that, by discussing the problem, calmly, you get to see the different perspectives that each individual is coming from, rather than assuming you already know. I’ve learned that assuming someone’s motives for an action may be wrong, and that is what leads to greater misunderstandings and conflict.
I think that Katherine Anne Porter says it best, as she expresses it best in saying: “The past is never where you think you left it.” By that she means that with the information, maturity you had at the time, you can grasp a part of the events that occurred. However, in retrospect, having changed, become wiser through various experiences, makes your perspective of the event change with time. Here I don’t mean the actions that took place, but rather the reactions and assumptions that you had made.
I’ll sum up with my poetic version of this:

Communication is a tool
You use to oppress the pool
Of depression, that spawns from regret
Over actions taken in past event.

Couch your speech,
Make it into a delicate flower to preach
Behaviors that promote, compassion,
Understanding, love, and devotion.

Best,
Your wiser self

©️ Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

Dear Sports,

Sometimes love comes into our lives early and easily. That’s the case with you. I remember meeting you around age four or five, but it could have been even younger. I lived on a cul-de-sac, and all the kids on our street would regularly play kickball in the circle. We’d play for hours, sometimes mixing in tag or hide and seek. Without much effort, I could always keep up with the older kids. And every time I tried a new sport, it took me no time to figure it out. But it wasn’t until my parents signed me up for organized soccer with kids my age that I realized I was athletic. I was faster than everyone else. And scoring goals was easy. Immediately, I was hooked. I loved competition. And quite frankly, I loved winning.

While I played many sports throughout my childhood, soccer became my primary sport. I played on club, school, and select teams. Soccer allowed me to see the world, as I was chosen to play on a team that competed as far as Italy when I was 15 years old. Besides competition, sports introduced me to my best friends – many of whom I am still close with now.

I am forever grateful that you, sports, came into my life.

As an adult, I no longer play on competitive sports teams. And I probably don’t work out as much as I should. But you are still an essential part of my life. You shaped me into the person I am today. You, sports, taught me how to push through adversity. You showed me the power of a good and consistent work ethic. Through you, I developed tremendous confidence and mental toughness, which serves me well every single day of my life. And when I have a long week or am frustrated or scared, I can still turn to you for peace. I’ll rollerblade along the water for miles or lift at the gym.

While many loves in our life come and go, there are some rare ones that not only come early and easily but also last a lifetime.

I love you always.

Your old friend,

Dear Me,

Thank you for taking the time to sit with yourself and process your thoughts and feelings. This year, you really took yourself & your ideas seriously. Your perseverance through rejection is admirable and I appreciate you, even when others don’t.

When you lost your job in January- you didn’t beat yourself up.

When the bank funds were low- you leaned on your family for support while pushing through to find a new job.

When you felt broke, busted, and disgusted- you sought wisdom in books, the Bible, and your family.

You manifested cool opportunities & got creative with the tools at your disposal.

To me, you may not be exactly where you want to be, however, you’ve come farther than you expected. You could’ve chosen to listen to well- meaning advice, but you listened to your gut & for that I respect you!

Thank you for being you- which is the hardest thing to do.

Love you for life,

Me (V) 🧡

GOING TO BERLIN IN 1970 -for Hank

They were traveling by train
the whole family, for Thanksgiving
at seventeen it felt like being thirty
courage for the i-am-strong-enough
to face the i-don’t-know-what
speaking German wishing-to-know-words

even so he was in his own thoughts-
Where does genuine live?
Is it In amongst the realizations of the self?

Traveling with another Colonel’s family,
with another son of seventeen
both in railroad overnight sleeper berths
the Colonels had to be in uniform
crossing Enemy Territory as it was
the Enemy’s armed soldiers at railway stops in the dark
warned us not to exit the cars
if the train stopped, must have passports at the ready
should they be demanded by the communists.

It would take all night to get to Berlin due to the many stops
having left the freedoms of West Germany
fluttering on flagpoles at the border.

It was the first time, really, that he was aware,
like no kidding, that the suppression of men could be such
a real thing.

That realization never walked away again
the sight of man’s inhumanity to man
that persisted for the rest of his years

this epiphany became a finely tuned crap-dector
like gauging spoken truths for authenticity
or assessment of mood, or rank, at a glance.

Sometimes both revealing, and understanding, were pushed
into override, with wisps of smoke coming out
he had to get out, away from the despicable source

what of the half-truths
or the lying in the unnecessary competitions
in foolish men’s lives.
Sleep was a casualty of that night.
Excitement of so many AK-47s,
the danger slung on The Enemy’s shoulders
during the travel to West Berlin
so divided (one of the few walled cities left in the world)
the Berlin Wall was a living, breathing beast
the beast was hungry to eat those that loved freedom
the east had walled all around the west city with
guard towers sporting machine-guns overlooking barbed wire.
We were free to think and speak
our minds carrying on the traditions
that was why our Fathers wore the uniforms.

Yet there was Checkpoint Charlie
a passageway out of grey oppression
crossing over into sparkling clean air

the point of cruel suppression, of beyond unfair dictatorship
made by the hundreds of small white crosses
placed to honor where the dead had been murdered

those that had sought out of the chill, shot dead
sometimes having dug under the wire
perhaps hidden in the trunk of a car under blankets.

Those sights stayed with him far into his future years
the detector tuned to not just seeing lies
but to detect the oranges of tyrannical narcissism

he felt as if he had breached the walls of Mordor there
in the east walkers dressed in darks and greys
city streets there unkept, paint on walls peeling

a stark contrast to the bustle of the west side
where there were freedoms even to wear bright yellow
should one want to, and to think unencumbered

he sought the exploration of the Self
ever since, gathering strength
asking The Critical Questions, the hard Q’s
finding his answers where they may be
in a song, poem, or readings of the great works
perhaps in some direct act of a caring sort
observing when life reached that occasional pinnacle
where truth junctured with an intensity

combined with spontaneous, deliberate acts of kindness
produced those moments of humanness
that people remember and talk about for years later.

He remembered Berlin all his life.

His walking up to the communist wall of Checkpoint Charlie
seeing the machine gun in the guard tower
ranging his steps, following his direction
(his Mother standing there wanting to scream)
as he gently removed a loose brick
from the wall just by The Enemy’s gate
even the western Military Policeman directing traffic
watched him step back away towards safety.

Taking that red brick
an act out of a youthful sense of invincibility
became a brick in his own wall
the brick was in his study even now
holding a honored place on a shelf
near the volumes of philosophy
becoming a power cell in the course of his life
a light shining into the darkness
showing what it means to be a real human in the world.

To The Unsealed Community,

When I graduated high school, I honestly didn’t know what to expect from myself.

After getting waitlisted, I got accepted to Columbia in mid-June of my senior year of high school. At the time, Columbia ranked top five in the nation. And while I was thrilled to be accepted, there was a part of me that was unsure if I was worthy of the admission.

I told my family I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t smart enough to go, and I was considering going elsewhere.

My brother, who had just graduated from Columbia, responded, “If you don’t take this opportunity, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I promise you will be able to do the work.”

I trusted my brother and decided to attend, even though I was scared and uncertain if I would measure up to my peers.

My first year at Columbia was by far the hardest. My grades depended on papers, and I wasn’t the best writer. Not to mention, we had to take many required classes – some of which I found pretty boring. But I muscled through it, and I was determined to thrive.

Thankfully, Columbia had a writing center where tutors looked through your paper sentence by sentence and provided feedback. I spent hours each week at the writing center, and after a year or so, my writing significantly improved. So much so that in the last two years of college, I received an A on every single paper I submitted.

It’s hard to believe that I almost passed down an incredible opportunity because I didn’t believe in myself.

Now, whatever challenge I face in life, I still don’t know what to expect from myself. But my experience at Columbia taught me that if I push myself and work hard, I should always expect to surprise myself.

We are all capable of way more than we even know.

Always believe in your greatness,

Dear Unsealers,

November of 2006 was an exciting time in my life. I was 17 at the time and I was going to live in Maryland with my oldest sister. Plus, it would be my first time flying in an airplane, so my excitement was sky-high around the time.

On the day of my flight from San Antonio, Texas to Maryland, a phone call woke me up at 4 in the morning. It was my sister. I remember she asked me if I was excited to come live with her. I could barely answer still trying to get my thoughts together. ”Huh,” she replied. Afterward, I gave a better answer to her before our phone call ended.

Two hours later, I was at the airport. Going through security to get to the right gate for my first flight was an adventure for me. When it was time to get on my first plane, I couldn’t wait to get up in the air.

When my first flight started to take off, the excitement I had turned to fear. The more the plane speed increased, the worse my nerves got. When the plane got up in the air, the anxiety I was feeling had taken complete control of my body.

The realization of being in the air instead of being on the ground had really sunk in my head. Seeing lightning in the window nearby, only increased my out-of-control fear. ”I’m not gonna make it through this flight”, I thought.

The older woman who was sitting beside me in the window seat must have felt the fear I was feeling. She started talking to me. She was so calm like she had been through this takeoff routine a million times!

Her calmness gave me the courage & strength to get through this takeoff. The nerves I felt would disappear, and the plane would finally coast around blue skies & beautiful clouds, way up in the air. I couldn’t believe I was flying on an airplane.

I still get nervous when I fly on a plane, but I know now that those nerves I feel are only temporary until the plane relaxes in the air. I’m grateful for that woman who was on my first flight. She showed me an example of calm courage that I’ll never forget.

Gerald

My Zeusy,

When I was a baby, I was born into a home where my best friend lived. However hard times made us leave our home and when we moved my best friend ran away. I always yearned for a new best friend but lost hope throughout life.

When I was 30, I found out I was pregnant with my son. It was a world wind of emotions since a few years prior I went through testing that concluded at the time I wouldn’t get pregnant again, and if I did my pregnancy wouldn’t be healthy, would be high risk and may possibly end in a miscarriage. I was filled with joy and fear as well as anxiety. Over the next few weeks my emotions began to ease up until the scariest day.

I was 5 weeks pregnant; I woke up on a normal day to get ready for work and to drop of the kids to school. When I went to the bathroom I noticed some spotting. While my gut told me there was something wrong I shooed the thought away in a hopes it was just my nerves and fear. By the time I arrived at work an hour later I was full blown bleeding, as if I were miscarrying. I went to the hospital where my husband met me.

While waiting on results in the ER, I picked up my phone and scrolled through Facebook to occupy my mind. I found a post about a dog whom loved his food bowl so much he would carry it with him everywhere. I immediately told my husband that I wanted to go and get that dog. By the time we left the hospital, with complete uncertainty as the results of the test showed I wasn’t miscarrying, the pup had been taken to the back to be seen by a vet and wasn’t available for adoption. We had no intention of getting a pet after that.

However, we wanted to see what options were available. We walked up and down each kennel room, dozens of pups jumping and barking, excited to see people outside of the keepers. We had a pup or 2 on the list to meet but none really the perfect fit. We got to the very last kennel room at the very end, the last pup cage laid a very sad pup. While every single dog was loud and making there presence known, this pup did not. He laid on his bed, front paws crossed over one another, head lying atop of his paws. His sad droopy eyes looked up at me, without lifting his head, as if he was thinking “Oh, just another couple to pass me by.”

His energy was one very familiar to me, DEFEAT! I looked at his bio paper, in a sheet protector hanging from his cage by two zip ties. I found out that he had been there for almost a year and he was found roaming around the streets. It was then that I knew I had to at least help him escape the cage he has called home for almost a year, even if for just a few minutes. I looked at him and said “I promise we will see you in the yard.”

This dog was amazing! He knew his name and he was so well behaved. He played with my husband and shortly after I called him. You see earlier in the hospital I was put on pelvic rest until I saw my doc for a follow up. So I sat down the whole visit with this pup. When I called him over he came right to me and laid his big ol head in my lap. He won me over! However, I was on pelvic rest, my husband was gone from 6 AM until 7 PM, Monday through Friday, our children were to small to care for the pup and he was a 90 pound terrier/pit mix. This concerned myself and my husband, we had to see if this was even fair to him.

We saw another pup that was a bit smaller but he was only a year old, still an untrained puppy, where as the other pup was 4 years old and was well trained. We were about to settle with the puppy, his name was Big Hunk. We decided to see how he was with cats since we were possibly going to get one. Big Hunk was not a fan of the first cat because she was afraid of the sight of him and he lunged at her. I did not hold that against him though, we moved onto the kittens and he did great for a pup. But , he just wasn’t the other pup. So we asked for the other pup to be tested with the cats and kittens.

The keeper went back to get him, stood at the entry way for the cats and kittens, looked down at the pup by his side, pet his head and whispered to him, “Make me proud buddy!” Walked by the cats – no reaction. Walked by the kittens and the keeper had to keep redirecting him to the kittens. He would sniff the cages, look at the cages and then look around like “Okay. It’s a cat. What do you want from me?” I was sold! Lets be honest I was sold before I even visited him in the yard. We told the keeper he was the one and we began the process. We got a doggy bed, a water and food bowl, some toys and food to start our new journey with our newest member of the family.

As I stated before I had to follow up with my doc. About a week later we found out that we were still pregnant, but that based on the hormone levels and the presentation of the flow of blood, I was pregnant with twins and lost one. By this time our newest member of the family had already brought so much joy that we didn’t really feel the pain of losing a twin. See that pup, he came into our home and family and fit perfectly like the puzzle piece that had been missing for years. He was protective and playful, he had a bit of anxiety and you could tell he came from a rough place before he found sanctuary in the Humane Society.
He didn’t like arguing and assumed loud speaking was arguing. He was deathly afraid of shoes. I speak with my hands and realized very quickly he was hit often when I caught him flitch every time I moved my hands while speaking near him. We as a family, including our newest addition had to work together to make this our home, our family, and his fur-ever family! It took some time but everything worked out perfectly.

What you may not know is; that pup is YOU! Zeus, you didn’t have the easiest life, despite the fact that I never witnessed it and you could never tell me verbally, I know. But now you are home! You are my first son! You are my best friend! Alysza’s best friend! Bella’s best friend! Jose’s best friend! Papi’s best friend! You add so much love and life to our world! You have given me scares just like all the rest of are kids. But over all you are the best pup any fur-family could ask for!

Life isn’t always kind but when life gives us gifts they are phenomenal. You my Zeusy Boy are phenomenal! You love pizza, he knows the spelling of it and all the forms it comes in, hehe. And you’re a foodie like the rest of us. You’ve eaten a couch and bed out of anxiety, but I would give a million of those things for you, any day! You amuse me by letting me dress you up, he’s been a skeleton, a bumble and a pup going back to school with a book bag. You talk bag and get petty with your sisters. And my most favorite thing about you, that I’ve never had the blessing to experience until you walked into our lives, you hug! Your hugs are literally the best, love filled hugs. Also, your not a lap dog but I’ll never take that from you Thank you for being the best pup ever! And giving all of us the best 3 years of our lives. We cannot wait to spend a million more with you!

Love Always,
Your Fur-Ever Mommy

P.S. To all the readers – Get you a partner that looks at you the way Zeus looks at pizza!