I’m currently 13 and the only thing that makes sense is sadness
So, to cope I like to hear melodies caress my ears because I’m too damaged to hug myself
Then I’ll let my pen tell stories of love and horror for the simple fact that I’m afraid to love myself away from depression
I get the impression that an early death is the only way to escape to peace
But I’m afraid so for the time being I’ll clean my room since I can’t find the energy to organize my life
I just found an extra cassette tape in my music collection next to the pile of CD’s and Records
Complementing the art hanging on the wall adjacent to my mood
I think to myself: curiosity let’s have a conversation where you tell me all the secrets Victoria victories made me hate
The tape starts with no words
The opening scene let’s nature sing before the score interrupts
Then some old guy starts speaking about life like he knows me, I’m in no mood for a lecture but I have time today
After all I was just thinking about ending it all, how could this hurt more
He says: There’s a wealth beyond financial peace within the things we blink past every 24 hours
Try not to take for granted the natural order of life around you
I know the stress will have you crying rivers on the inside that you never let water your cheeks
But you need to face your fears, or the dam will explode
You need to Yoga flex your way through the challenges less flexibility become a weakness
Not your strength; muscles are for show, but the morality of your core can lift you past anything if you water your flowers of dread
“Be like water my friend,” and if I’m being bru-tal-ly honest you lie to yourself too much
Fright has kept you in third place longer than you should have been
Unable to reach the heights you are meant for
Remember the natural order of things, but know a long list keeps your further from progress than small steps of truth
You’re 34 now and just entering your prime
The next decade will be the soundtrack to the whole of your life
The season from the age of 13-32 was just a small slice
My teenage brain begins to become bored and 34 is forever away
And right before I was about to stop the tape he said something that made me think, maybe he knows a little something:
“You are the most coveted rose”… you see I love the floral print of life
And this statement was the first time outside of my parents that I felt worthy
He then went on to say
You’re beautiful in full bloom but still walk like a sunflower with its head down
It’s ok to be a lazy daisy sometimes but remember the sun never stops smiling and the moon never stops dreaming
So, neither should you
Your tulip words are meant to be heard by the world
And one day they will, as sure as a daffodil
Will blow it’s horn of victory past everything that has held you back
Just keep fighting and I promise you will win
p.s. don’t be afraid to cry…

Dear Younger Me
Worried.
Worried about the future.
Who will I be?
Where will I go?
Will I be alone?
All these questions in my head fill my mind with dread.
If I could go back and know what I know now-
things would surely be different somehow.
Dear younger me, it’s going to be okay.
Enjoy your life and you will see along the way.
Just how awesome it will all turn out.
The joy and peace you experience will wash away the doubt.
Life will always be full of problems-of this I am sure.
Don’t let that hold you back for all that is in store.
You will overcome even when it feels like the end.
Your broken heart will one day mend.
You’ll discover what is truly important.
All the other things will fade.
What remains is love. So let that fill your heart, not hate. Not anger.
Not regret.
Not mistakes.
Dear younger me, it’s going to be okay.
I promise you.
Just take it day by day.

i wish i could tell you
the things you need to do
i wish i could show you
how to dance like we would

but you already know that
so there’s not much to say
just relax, be a diplomat
and maybe you will someday

Little ladybug.
You need not worry of the company
You try so hard to keep.
Leaves fall to the ground
Just to be grown again.
Little ladybug, don’t worry your pretty little head.
The sky doesn’t fall forever, you know.
Although your world is sometimes shaken
And sometimes to the core,
The sun and moon will still chase each other
As if it were the first time they met.
Little little ladybug,
You need not worry.
Perfection is only a mere illusion,
Projections of your elders past failings
Pushed onto you with only the
Purest intentions for you to succeed.
Little ladybug
Everything you learn is what you own,
Everything you earn is what you deserve
And you are deserving of so much.
No amount of good grades
Or instagram likes
Or parental approval
Will determine it or weigh it.
Because you being here makes you worthy enough.
Just you.
Little ladybug, you need not worry
Of fitting in.
Those who share your spots will always
Find you
And grow with you.
Little ladybug keep your head up
And keep flying.
If the sky’s the limit, the clouds are just a checkpoint
You have all the time to make it there,
And you will make it there
Little ladybug.

More times than not, caused by those around us.
We have no control over the currents,
We know not of the power waves hold.
Hold on, keep holding on.
In time you will learn,
We are our own life raft,
Our own savior.

Little Elena…why are you so worried?
Little Elena worried so much about the future. About people pleasing for her parents and making them proud. She wanted a career her parents would be proud of and being a creative was not getting the love & support I needed.
This is a letter to 12-year-old Elena. The girl who was filled with creative and innovative ideas but also filled with fears and no outlet to share them. I grew up in the 90’s, we didn’t have internet. I read books, watched a lot of horror movies, listened to the west coast rap, and wanted to be a writer so badly. I was inspired by west coast rap, by books and by Tupac Shakur’s lyrics. I was inspired by the horror movies on TV and used to say to my Barbies, “I am going to write my own horror story, and everyone is going to love it.” The problem was, I wrote the stories, but no one loved them. Why? Because I was too afraid to show case my writing anywhere. Oh, then there was that time I had a dumb boyfriend that went through my stuff in my room and found my writing. I was so pissed that I snatched it and he thought I was cheating. He said he didn’t read much but it was enough for my privacy to be violated that I swore I wouldn’t share any writing again. I love to write, I was sad.
In school, I would avoid sharing any writing assignments. I skipped class when it had to do with creative writing. And I would not turn in any creative writing assignments, I would just take the F. I hated school anyways, not too sure how I passed. But one thing I wished someone told me at that age, FUCK school. You don’t even use a quarter of what you learn. It is all colonized learning and kids going to school is part of the colonizer’s plan. Yeah… I knew school was a waste of my time but how could I have said all that to my parents without getting my ass whooped. Well, I grew up and forgot all about being creative at anything and went into a field I swore I would never go into only to people please, healthcare. That is such a joke of a job… it wouldn’t be if healthcare organizations actually CARED about its people and the people the people in healthcare. I stayed a Medical Assistant because I refuse to become an RN to further get played by the system. They scam you into thinking that money is everything, so long as you sell your soul to the evil health care corporation that will drain your soul. Not approve your PTO when you want, enable lazy, mean workers to continue to work. I wish someone would have told me more about the world we live in. Not how to continue to get played in it. Why is there never a department in healthcare that is fully staffed? I never got that. They have all this money to charge patients but cannot afford to hire more people is crazy.
Now, I wish someone would have properly informed me of this and said:
“Elena, if you choose to go down the healthcare path that’s ok. But know that it will be hard. You will encounter jealousy, hate, RACISM, burn out, no one giving a fuck about you, lazy coworkers, bullies. You will need tough skin and always stand your ground. You will NEVER need a job; they need you more than anything so shows them you ain’t a bitch. Don’t go above and beyond. Call in sick when you need to, don’t let them BRAINWASH you into thinking you have to get coverage for your own shift. THAT IS COLONIZED THINKING AND BULLING YOU INTO NOT BEING ABLE TO TAKE A BREAK FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. Match their energy, they treat you at 43%, give them that or less. Do not do overtime, that’s a joke. Taxes. Get yourself a good primary care doctor and have them put you on FMLA days for mental health. Take vacations. Quit if they are not respecting your needs. A 2 WEEK NOTICE WHOULD BE DESERVED, IF THEY DON’T DESERVE ONE DON’T GIVE THEM TWO WEEKS. “
Man, I wish I was well informed. I also wish someone would have shown me how to deal with anxiety and the stresses of life. How to be an adult and juggle a career, family, and mental health. I would have thought school was more important if they would have been teaching us about life. Not brain washing us into thinking college is the answer. Only to drain all the money from us and our parents.
Basically, I wish someone would have let me know how I can live in this colonized world we live in. But also, to keep writing. Keep being creative. Show up and do not be afraid to show your authenticity. People will always judge, give them something to judge. Be you.
-Elena

Dear younger self,
I know you are sitting in that yellow chair wondering why mom never showed up. You’re feeling like you’re not worthy of love and wondering if there will ever be anyone in your life who won’t run away. You blame yourself for the adults that have failed you. I know it seems impossible but with time it will get better. You will find people who not only love you but make you feel safe. You find a husband who gives you the Cinderella story you dream of having. You no longer dream of running away and finding a better place. You’re in a space that’s full of peace and warmth. I know it’s not easy but it will all be worth it so, hang in there sweet girl all of your dreams will become a reality.
Sincerely,
Your future self.

Dear Younger Me,

You deserve so much from me.
Too much to name.
But I could start with running your bath water
as I run my fingers through your mane.
Comforting you,
listening closely to understand the big picture
inside the frame.
Because I can’t tell you how good it gets
without first acknowledging your pain.

I can’t imagine how mad you get when I act like you never existed.
And I’m sorry, younger me
At times I couldn’t stand you for being so weak

And I apologize again that’s the Hurt getting out of line & coming to the forefront to speak.
How disrespectful & ego driven of me…
… Acting like your strength isn’t the reason we survived it all
Trauma, secrets, shame, guilt
… Like you didn’t eat them all
Like you didn’t shoulder the weight on a spine whose growth was stunted at only 3 feet tall.
Holdin’ it down so no one had to lose it all
And sometimes it gets really hard, younger me,
And seems really bleak
And never give up because you’ll miss out on some amazing things.

One day you’ll be a woman
And you’ll learn how to walk like there’s precious jade on the soles of your feet.
And you’ll smile like there’s diamonds in your teeth.

Your future is as bright as Orion on a starless night
Don’t worry, nothing will dim your God given light
You’ll speak in front of large crowds, write books, and feel comfortable speaking into mics
You’ll learn to love yourself & self sooth during those early mornings & nights
And I know you can’t see it.. but you will radiate light
To everyone you meet
And face fears even when the risk seems steep.
Can you even imagine the feeling that will be?!

So younger me, don’t worry
The light ahead of you is no coincidence
Nor accident
It’s intentional
It’s God’s will
And you are intentionally, powerful.

Dear Former Self,

Despite the unknown future and how things will change, remember that everything happens for a reason and that due to you being open and having a support system, everything will be ok.

You had your first and worst seizure at 1.5 years old. Your breathing stopped. You were flown by helicopter to Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh. For three minutes, you couldn’t breathe. On your way to the Hospital, you had multiple reoccurring seizures. When they got you to the hospital, one of the first things they tried to get the seizures under control was to put you on Tegretol. That completely wiped out your white blood count, so you were put in intensive care. For five days, doctors told your parents you would not be able to walk or talk again for the rest of your life. The doctors changed their mind about you when you stuck with it for 45 minutes to open a package of graham crackers.

Despite being dealt a new and worse hand, you were able to learn and process all of the information everything through school and could keep up. You did need an aid for typing and reading the problems. In Middle School and High School, you had a 504 to give yourself extra time on tests and quizzes. Your philosophy of never letting Epilepsy hold you back started from a young age as you did everything your peers did and even had a summer job while living on your own.

Despite your Epilepsy, you graduated from La Salle University in four years with a BSBA and a minor in Psychology. You had a solid GPA with a 3.55 in business and a 3.18 overall. Through all your education, you had to study differently than others, but you did not let that hold you back, and you would just put much more time into it.

Your lack of concern about your seizures caused others to not be concerned. Your approach was, and still is, to share about Epilepsy and how to help you to practically everyone you interact with. If you had a seizure that day, people would still want to be around you later that day if you were up to it. When anyone has witnessed you having a seizure, they have never been afraid to act accordingly by following the three general words of Seizure First Aid which are in this order: STAY, SAFE, and SIDE.

The recent part of your story also shows a lot of resilience. You had many things going your way as you: had gone almost 8 years seizure free, could drive, were living on your own, were attending social events, and more.

In April of 2023, things changed. Your neighbor in the apartment heard you start to go into the seizure, was around, and came in to help. In September of 2023 and March of 2024, you had one at your place of employment. Both times, you were treated well during and after. In April of 2024, you had one that like your first one took resilience to the next level. You had flown out west on your own, to see your brother and his girlfriend as well as family friends, as your parents were in Scotland. You had a seizure the last evening you were with your brother. Even though it had been about 15 years since he was around you during one, he was not afraid and knew exactly what to do. The next day, instead of trying to change plans and get a direct flight home, you proceeded to fly to Arizona on your own where you stayed for 2 days before flying back to Philadelphia with a 3-hour layover in Chicago.

These recent seizures have caused a lot of adaptation in your adult life, but due to your resilience and determination, you pushed through it. You went from being able to drive to having to plan, in advance, who will take you to and from everywhere. The change of your role was hard on you, but you did not worry a ton because you had a strong support system and took good precautionary steps. This led to your seizures not becoming as frequent as they could’ve been.

You have always been a person who doesn’t let the challenges of Epilepsy hold you back and limit you from doing various kinds of things in life. Instead, you have adapted and been very resilient through your life. The saying you like to live summarizes how you carry out your life. Epilepsy does not have me. Instead, I have Epilepsy.

Stay strong. Do not worry.

From,

Matthew Steele