It was hard to be appreciative this year.
It is always hard to appreciate things in life when everything else becomes so heavy.
I think maybe gratitude is just a way to remain hopeful through despair;
to remind us that we should be glad that we even have the opportunity to feel those feelings and have experiences in the first place.

Over the past year I was thankful for a few things;
I was thankful that I got a new job,
that my mom let me move home,
that I am safe and healthy,
and I can confidently say I was and am thankful for my cat.
At the very least, I should probably be thankful that I am afforded the luxury of being able to not be super grateful.
I suppose every day that I am alive, living and breathing, I should be glad.

Although, I wasn’t the one that chose to be here.
I have to face responsibility that I did not ask for.
Truth be told, I don’t even choose to show up every day; some days I stay in bed and do nothing for myself.
A while ago I just decided that I have to keep myself alive and learn the lessons of life.

I wish I was more grateful.

Maybe if I was more gracious of the good things, I would also react better to the negatives.

This year I tried to force myself to be thankful even through the things that made me most uncomfortable:
the things that made my stomach churn, my heart ache, and left the corners of my eyes stained red.

I cannot be thankful for all of the negative things; I cannot be thankful for unkindness, pain, hardship, loss, and grief.
I do not want to find the good in every situation because sometimes things just suck.
I do not want to appreciate these things because I do not want to accept them.
Sure I wouldn’t feel so sad right now if I was able to trust the process.

How could I be glad that I don’t feel strong enough to accomplish any goals or that my family members are spending their nights sinking into depression?
I felt weak a lot.

If I was thankful for every obstacle I have faced, I fear that I might get used to living life in this way.
I don’t think I would learn as much.
I need to be uncomfortable.
I need to wonder ‘Why me?’

Apparently there is no good or bad way to live-
there are only our feelings, decisions, and lessons we leave with.

I am not grateful for the lessons I learn as I am experiencing them.

A person is not grateful for air when they are being held underwater.
Sure they want to breathe, but it is about the action, not the object.
It is about figuring out how to take a successful breath,
and only once a person is back above water, are they thankful for the air itself.
When a person is left underwater panic instills and the individual is only thinking about the fact that they need to get above the water, not about why.

I can’t imagine anyone in the middle of a crisis thinking ‘Wow I’m so glad to be here.’
So what is one to do when constantly living in a state of dysregulation?

I am suspicious that perhaps I am not finding pleasure or contentment because I am in the midst of one of those big life lessons;
the kind that you look back upon later and see the change it forced you to experience.
Am I supposed to be grateful now for the what’s to come later or am I allowed to be sad?
Can I pity the world and still oblige to gratitude and hope?

To be grateful is to express thanks and appreciate the benefits received.
I was not very grateful this year,
but I am thankful that I am able to grow;
grateful that I get to try again.
I am indebted to the world, but I have an obligation to myself.

‘She does not have to always be thankful for what has happened because sometimes she knows she deserves more, or at least she’s trying to,’ I often think.

I don’t want to be grateful just because I am told that I have to be.
I don’t want the people around me to think that their actions are okay because things can always be worse.
I might be cynical, but I know that life can be a little lighter.
I don’t want to be glad with what I do have just because some people have less than me,
I want everyone to have more.