When I was a child, the word most often applied to me was shy. Not true. I simply enjoyed watching. Everything. Every night, I would write in my book, a book I had liberated from my father’s store. An order book. Lines and spaces. I could print very well by the age of five so I considered myself a writer because what I printed looked just like the books I read.
Writing has been my best friend since childhood. My bedroom window opened onto a gigantic oak tree with a notch I would climb into once I got rid of my parents, an easy task since they were people who did not necessarily want children. Before therapy became the response to those of us who were non-conformists, and journaling became the go-to for all forms of wretchedness or well-being, I held readings from my book about what I had seen, what my dreams were, and who was mean. My audience was the man in the moon, the stars, the trees, whomever or whatever else was out there. Always a friendly crowd. I still have memories of my father trying to calm my screaming mother when they found me out there in the morning, asleep.
My “formal” writing started with messages stuffed into my father’s empty whiskey bottles, rare commodities since he was a shot-with-dinner guy, and I would set them free in the ocean across the street. I also had my notes to Santa which I stashed in milk bottles my mother left in a container that sat on the doorstep because I heard the delivery man was Catholic and, therefore, a Santa person. I learned that connection in Hebrew school. I was raised in an Orthodox Jewish family, so the Santa-et-al thinking, along with the bacon my mother stashed in a Tupperware container she labeled “broccoli” in our highly kosher refrigerator, were early signs that I was destined to live a life of creative non and real fiction. I also wrote my own (fabulous) absence notes for school since my mother had withdrawn from a great deal of parenting. Apparently, no one read them or perhaps they knew our lives.
I immersed myself in A-level papers throughout the thousands of years I spent gathering degrees and debt. Eventually, and at times simultaneously, I produced ardent and (hopefully) articulate political protest letters (an ongoing effort), sold some short stories, and even built a life in New York publishing. Prose was my go-to and then, after a ten-year silence brought on by wars private and other, poetry emerged. The shy girl now has two voices.
Carl Jung says that each one of us carries the collective, so I now consider my writing an a cappella chorus. Does anyone else find it funny that the quiet one is now the mouthpiece? My father the gangster is out there laughing somewhere. He always introduced me as the jail-house lawyer to be. Maybe he was a visionary.
Now my title is psychotherapist. People tell me stories all day. For more than thirty years I have been listening to stories. I tell people to keep “talking” no matter the form: Write. Paint. Dance. Grow flowers. Bake. Fold the sheets on your bed as neatly as you want or don’t want. Keep magazines that are 10 years old because you like the memories. House neat, house messy – you need to feel satisfied. Shame is given to you by others. Happy is given to you by you. You decide how much or how little you need the words of others to bring you joy or peace or laughter as much as that bad brownie you baked or the new purple stripe in your hair.
Yes, there are boundaries, and, yes, there are rules. Find your space (mine was in a tree) and celebrate the life you make. Tree notches are everywhere.
September 04, 2024
Hello fellow humans,
I’d ask how you’re all doing, but I think from the majority of you I’d receive a lie. Not because you want to lie, but because you feel like you “have to”. You’d feel compelled to tell me “I’m fine” so I don’t get uncomfortable with the burden of carrying a piece of your truth. You’d smile even though your heart is heavy with worry. You’d wish me well and carry on, because that’s what we’ve been taught to do.
But, what if I told you there is nothing in your adult life that you “have to” do? What if you liberated yourself from the notion that you owe anything to anyone? What if you were free to roam about the world as your most authentic self?
That sounds insane, I know. I can hear you already, “oh so you don’t have to follow laws?”, “ you don’t have to pay bills?”, “you don’t have to be a kind person?”. In short, no. Would there be unsavory consequences to not doing those things? Absolutely. Would I wholeheartedly advise you to still be a productive and honest member of society? Absolutely. But, when you break it down, in every decision, you have a choice. Every. Decision.
So where would this altered thinking come in handy? We’ve established we aren’t breaking laws or becoming complete a-holes. How about when you’re asked to stay that extra hour, unpaid, at work? Would your first thought be, well I would have to or I would lose my job? Strike the have to. You have made yourself believe that you’d lose the job. That’s not a certainty, and even if it was, do you really want a job that consistently takes you for granted?
How about when that friend that treats you like garbage asks you to go out? You have to because you’ve known them for years? Nope. If you’ve filled your comfort zone with people that make you uncomfortable, it’s time to bust down some walls of societal pressure and get the heck out of there.
What about the biggest “have to” of all? I have to because they’re my family. Ask yourself, did you choose these people that abuse you? No, you didn’t. I want to be clear, I know that families have all kinds of quirks and histories that we learn to love each other through. That’s the nature of the bond, to love them through their messy because they’ll love you through yours. This applies to the ones that aren’t holding up their end of the deal. The ones that manipulate you into believing that you have no choice but to accept however they treat you because they happen to share the same DNA. You didn’t choose them, so you have every right to choose not to allow them in your life. This does not make you the villain, even if that’s how they tell the story. Period.
I know, it’s hard. It’s hard to reprogram your brain from years of being told that to be kind is to be utterly selfless. You can do it though. You can create a life that suits you and brings you joy, a life that is free from obligation and therefore truly authentic. And what you’ll find is that deep down our nature is to be loving, our nature is to care for others and want to help where we can, our nature is to choose kindness. We aren’t these evil creatures we’ve been guilted into believing we are born as. We just become them when we stop feeling like our life is our own.
Well, that’s the lesson I felt compelled to share for the brief moment I have your attention. I wish you all the peace that comes from living free from the weight of “have to”. You don’t have to take this letter to heart, but I really hope you do.
With love,
Natasha
Dear world,
The message I’m sending to you today may sound indelicate, abrasive even, and I sincerely apologize for that. I’m a part-time people pleaser trying to unlearn the more negative aspects of that personality dynamic, one of which is the notion that people should be kept happy AT ALL TIMES. That being said, I will forewarn you that my message may not make you feel happy,, but I promise you, it will bring you joy- that joy which is an abiding and abundant reality, always awaiting our approach, deliberately desiring our determined efforts to dwell within its keep.
The only way through to this true joy, requires the swallowing of a veritable buffet of what at first glance appear to be bitter pills- the first of which is the fact that you will suffer and you will die. When you swallow this truth, you free yourself from fear and despair. Suffering has the potential to be our most powerful teacher, and it can become a friend, if we are brave enough to reach out a hand. Now get me wrong, I don’t want to encourage you to intentionally seek out opportunities to get hurt or to cause suffering for others. What I mean is, suffering may be inevitable, but we can choose to transform its energy within us to strengthen ourselves and to bring that same gift of healing to the world around us as well.
Depending on how we approach the wounds we bear, we can choose to shape a future of growth and evolution. Through the shattering capabilities of grief, loss, and evil, we can learn to truly appreciate the beauty of life. That is the balancing act, seeking gratitude for life despite its myriad challenges and afflictions. We have the power to transform our hurts into growing pains.
Although, we can just as easily turn them our slowing pains. These wounds can fester and rot, weighing us down with crushing regret. What makes the difference between the two outcomes? How do we choose the better way?
We must summon the courage to swallow the bittersweet pill. I found it through writing and being still. Now I’d like to share (bear with me if you will). More words onto this page are ready to spill. Watch now how they turn to a poem. I pray they may help steer you back home.
Yo, is it true? Do I have the world’s ear?
Then the first words I’d disperse would be about fear.
Our greatest nemesis; it lives in the mirror,
Love alone beats it and can help you see clear, And without love, living’s so cavalier.
It’s hard to believe that…
The mere marvel of living, of your being here,
Can be so easily swiped up and stolen within fear’s hostile grip,
It’s right at your feet now, tryin’ and lyin’ to make you trip,
It tells you you’re tiny, an insignificant drip.
Just a
drop
in the sea.
That’s a lie, an illusion, a thought we must flee.
It’s a curse, a delusion, and we’re born just to be,
Something much greater, Dig deep and you’ll see,
That you are surely a drop
But of your own degree,
And that makes you much more,
In fact, that sets you free.
You must believe that…
There’s a little bit of you in every me,
There’s a little bit of sadness in every glee,
An infinite universe in each little inch of a tree,
A little bit of bitter coupled with every sweet.
And once you start to believe that…
You’ll come to see…
We’re shaped for our spot, and where we stay to our zone,
You’ll find in those “ruins,” that you sit on a throne.
Not just the word,
But the meaning inside it,
Abide now in peace, ever beside it.
Let the words guide you, as you grow on your way,
Let them reveal themselves like the light of new day.
Now gently breaking, now a luminous bloom,
This presence now here that could fill up a room.
The power of healing lies in each word you lay,
To learn where love’s leading, let there be no delay,
It’s calling your name, to be bold if I may,
Here’s what you have, and here’s what I pray:
You hold in your hands one moment, one day,
And I pray you’ll unfold the wonder within it, That you’ll embrace the buffet,
And in those moments of sorrow, when living looms grey,
Let the love that still lingers reshape you like clay.
Feel the power of love’s fingers arranging a novel array.
Your greatest teacher and your greatest friend lives still in the wallows, in the shattered remains of your heart,
And that broken heart within you isn’t the end,
love, it’s the start.
It’s hard to choose my most impactful life lesson, as I’ve had plenty thus far. Sometimes, I feel as if my lessons up until this point could fit into an entire lifetime for someone else. I know they’ve all been necessary for my evolution because I believe a significant reason our souls are here is to learn, grow, and evolve into a wiser version of ourselves.
Adversity in life can diminish us to ashes, but we can choose to rise into a more empowered state. Multiple moments in my life have felt like the death of my old self and the rebirth of a new version of me.
I’ve learned the importance of compassion, kindness, respect, consent, and the necessity for authenticity, even if people around you disapprove. To be true to yourself is to respect yourself.
Anxiety, rumination, and incessant negative words to myself have taught me to give myself compassion, even when it’s challenging. I must habitually interrupt negative thoughts and redirect my mind toward the door of kindness. Being my own best friend has been vital.
Learning to hold space for my pain has been pertinent as I’ve navigated people telling me that my pain is unimportant and minuscule, even though it isn’t. Mine isn’t, and yours isn’t. Our pain matters, and we must create a safe emotional space. I must honor my pain even if the world doesn’t care. You also must honor yours.
I’ve learned it’s okay to feel uncomfortable and state if I don’t consent. Whether or not it matters to anyone else, it matters to me.
I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel how I feel, even if others wish I felt differently. It’s alright to be sensitive; the world needs more sensitivity because compassion comes with it.
I’ve learned the importance of self-forgiveness. I have made mistakes throughout my life, and I imagine I’ll continue to. Giving ourselves grace and recognizing the lessons that come with our errors is essential. Most importantly, we must wake up the next day and try again.
I’ve learned that if people disrespect me, I must counteract that disrespect with kindness toward another while keeping a boundary with the person who disrespected me.
All of these have been vital lessons for me thus far, and I imagine I’ll learn many more, but one lesson has reared its beautiful head amongst all the rest:
SPEAK
In a world that wants me to be quiet, I must speak.
In a world that wants me to follow the status quo, I must speak.
In a world that wants me to keep its secrets, I must speak.
In a world that wants me to hide myself to keep someone else content, I must speak.
Maybe this isn’t your most significant life lesson, but it’s mine, and I ask you to consider it. The world wants us to pretend we’re fine while crumbling inside. In my experience, the world wants us to remain quiet while people disrespect us. People expect us to allow this disrespect because God forbid we tell someone we don’t like their behavior. They’d have to look at themselves if we spoke up.
Too bad, I say. It’s time to look.
I learned to accept and use my voice by allowing people to disrespect me, tell me my feelings don’t matter, tell me I’m not allowed to feel them, and tell me I should be quiet.
I learned this as I lost sleep at night, wondering why the world wanted me to hide my feelings and myself.
I learned it when I said yes to things I wanted to say no to and when I said nothing when I wished to object.
I learned it when I was looked in the eye and told my feelings and pain don’t matter.
I learned it when I finally asked myself who was holding me back: the world or my own fears.
I will no longer cater to the world, protect people from what they don’t want to hear, or play politics in a world that desperately needs humility and authenticity.
I will learn from my mistakes, as I have in the past.
I see now that my anger which once was my great protector, now is my captor. Here’s my story:
Anger wraps her roots around me.
Always looming
Threatening to pull me down if I don’t feed her.
Always suffocating
She pretends she’s my fan, as she picks my pocket.
If she were a drink, she would be Dark & Stormy.
If she were a lover, she would be Delilah.
If she were a plant, she would be a Venus Flytrap.
She has barricaded herself in the deep recesses of my heart.
Lying, telling me I am safer with all these locks on the door.
Reminding me that no one can get in.
But I can’t get out either.
Like my computer passwords, the only one I am safe from is myself.
She’s been here so long; she feels like she has squatter’s rights.
We are married by common law.
She reminds me I can’t make it without her.
She tells me you tried that remember and your heart was broken.
She says you’re better angry – trust me.
She feasts on my peace of mind.
She robs me of my creativity.
She tells me I need no one besides her.
She has a stronghold on my mind and my heart.
She cuts me off from my magic and synchronicity.
With me, you never have to grieve.
You can avoid your thoughts & fears.
I sustain you; I built you, without me your success will fade.
She burns my house down, with me locked inside.
It’s time for her to go.
She cannot be defeated with fire, only love.
It’s time to let her go. I realize that all the locks on the door to my heart are on the inside. Only I can unlock them, one at a time. Here’s my releasing anger meditation:
Slowly…
Patiently…
Breathing deeply…
I unlock each of my anger locks.
Anger, I love you – I set you free from my mind.
Anger, I love you – I set you free from my body.
Anger, I love you – I set you free from my heart.
Anger, I love you – I set you free from my grounding.
Anger, I love you – I set you free from my healing and creativity.
I pity those who haven’t stumbled upon that everything has a reason
And most of your lows are for building
You must always trust your intuition
Everyone has some hate passed down like a lesion
If you stay open and honest you’ll find your vision
I am the most “Can’t we all just get along?”, peacemaker kinda person you will ever meet.
I have to say: my patience & tolerance have been pressed about as tight up against the proverbial Glass Ceiling as they can get – before shattering.
So, for all the newly minted, Monday-Morning Constitutional Law experts, I need to get this message out:
In these United States of America, we have what are called “Fundamental Freedoms”; and there are five of them that were clearly, and specifically, spelled out by The Founding Fathers. Everyone loves to clamor on them, but NONE OF THEM – not a single one – are named in the Constitution.
Also, whilst you may have the Freedoms of Speech, Religion, Press, Assembly, and to Petition the Government; your “right” to these freedoms does NOT supersede my right to them.
Therefore:
I have never cared who you loved;
Until you started shoving it down my throat.
I have never cared about the color of your skin (despite being raised by a bigot);
Until you started blaming all your troubles on the color of mine.
I have never cared that you’re a man;
Until you called me weaker for being a woman.
I have never cared about your politics,
Until you started condemning me for mine.
And I have never cared about heritage;
Until you called me “Deplorable” for mine.
FRUSTRATION OUTWEIGHS ANY CONSIDERATION
PAIN OVERPOWERS THE FIGHT
THE FIGHT TO CARE, WHICH RESULTS IN SUCH RAGE
SO ENTWINED IN UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER
NO LONGER INDULGING IN YOUR IMMATURE ANTICS
COMPLETELY UNAMUSED BY APOLOGETIC GESTURES
NO SINCERITY, ONLY COMPLEXITY
LOSING PRECIOUS ENERGY
PROLONGING THIS AURA OF INEVITABILITY
DESIRING TO WALK AWAY, SO STRONGLY, SO BOLD
DEVISING A COURAGEOUS PLAN TO TAKE BACK MY CONTROL
THOUGH SECOND GUESSING MYSELF DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCE
MEDITATING TO ALLOW YET ANOTHER CHANCE
MY ABILITY TO RELEASE CAN’T RELY ON YOU
MERELY AFRAID OF THINGS YOU’VE SAID COMING TRUE
NEGATIVITY WON’T STOP DETERMINATION
SIMPLY ENHANCING MY VERBAL ELATION
SELF-MOTIVATION, LIFTING MY SPIRIT WITH DELIGHT
AND ACCEPT THE DECISION TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE
Write it down. Leave nothing out of the paper. No spaces. You don’t have to buy a fancy notebook that makes it feel like a task or an obligation. It’s just you and your pen. If you use a pencil, you’ll correct yourself. There’s nothing that needs to be fixed or edited. It already happened. Don’t use your screens and fingertips. Take yourself back to a time when you didn’t stop until writing hurt your knuckles. When you were so into it, the writing stopped making sense to anyone but you. Talking to yourself won’t cut it. Let your thoughts watch you ink them out loud. Let your pain jump from you into the white surface. Let your scars open up and ooze onto the parchment. Write about when you’re delighted. When you dropped your first pencil in class. It was so quiet, and everyone was looking.
Did it hurt to be watched? You take these times with you wherever you go. Put them down so you can make space for every day. What now? Read them. You were there. You felt it happen. Being honest with yourself is more challenging when you’re distracted by everything around you. When you’re worried about someone else peeking in. Just make it all stop. Write it down. You don’t have to be a Scrabble champion to scribble. Doodle, turn it into life. Don’t throw it away. Look back at it to see how far your cow jumped over the moon. When it’s over, turn to the next page, get up, and live in the now.
It took me all of a nanosecond to know the most important thing I learned in my life and it was definitely a lesson. There was no thinking about it..no contemplating about all the lessons that have been taught to me. I have lived over six decades and when I say there have been dozens of lessons I have learned that would probably be an understatement. Of course going through the daily life that each of us does we certainly never think what is happening will teach us something down the road. We just go about our living either enjoying it or not. It’s not until we move on that we realize what we were taught from our circumstances.
I started by saying this took me no time at all to know my greatest life lesson but then I panicked. I thought if I write about this it makes me look like the unhappiest person in the world. So I stopped in my tracks and figured out I had to come up with something different. There had to be a lesson I learned that was positive or happy or hopeful! For days I started to write only to delete and start all over again. Why was I having so much trouble trying to come up with something…I instantly had what my true life lesson was so why was I taking so long trying to come up with another one?
I thought back through my life and realized I was trying to make something up that just didn’t exist. If I was to be truthful I would have to go back. I spent so much of my childhood and adult life trying to not believe the things my mom had told me because lets face it, she was my mom and how could she know anything? Luckily we all grow out of that and realize our moms are always there for us.
Sadly and unfortunately she was right and the greatest life lesson came from her. She told me early on that there is only one person to trust in life and that is the person staring back at you in the mirror. Of course I thought she was crazy. I had friends, family, coworkers and numerous other people I could trust in my life and apparently my mom was just a bitter woman who wasn’t happy.
Then life hit…In the last 15 years I found out exactly what she meant. Just because someone is blood does not mean they are loyal or family for that matter. We just share a lot of the same DNA. Just because someone pretends to be your friend does not mean they can be trusted because sometimes they truly aren’t happy for your happiness. The people in my life that I NEVER thought would hurt me have gone above and beyond trying to destroy me. I have found the true meaning of abuse and again shocked that the abuse was from people I gave my life for.
This is not because I am old and bitter but because other people have shown me who they are by their own actions. My mom was right and I only wish she was here to see that. When something bad happens in my life now I look in the mirror and say “you got this, you can get through anything” and when something good happens I never forget to say to myself “Good job you did it”.
This is about the best lesson I learned and although I would have liked it to be a more positive lesson, THIS was and is my greatest lesson. The person you want in your life is someone who is loyal, trustworthy and willing to help you from their heart and to never intentionally hurt you. It should be someone who is willing to give their life for you if needed. I still have hope for people and maybe even a little tiny bit of faith but when it comes down to my life these days I realize there is absolutely nothing wrong with looking in that mirror and knowing you found that person looking back at you.
Six years. That’s how long it took to be properly diagnosed and taken seriously. Six years of unexplainable pain and feeling like I’ve gone insane. Women are often dismissed and ignored by medical professionals, and as a woman whose health wasn’t taken seriously for many years, the most important message I could share is to advocate for yourself no matter how exhausted you are and how long it takes. It’s 2013, and I have extreme symptoms when it’s time for my cycle to come around; other women in my life don’t seem to feel this way. Am I just weak? I go to get seen and they assume I’m being intimate. I’m only sixteen and sex is the last thing I want. I’m saving myself for marriage. I’m put on the pill for pain.
2014, they suggested more exercise, dieting, and flossing more. I’m healthy and have good dental hygiene this doesn’t make sense. 2015, a new form of contraception and the diagnosis of a thyroid condition called Hashimoto’s disease finally explained what I’ve been feeling. I start to let out a breath of relief but it’s not complete. My virginity is stolen from me, and I’m now at an all-time low, and I give up on finding out what’s wrong. In 2019, I experienced a chemical pregnancy, and my symptoms and pain have increased tremendously. The pain is constant and debilitating. I enter a fight or flight mode. After several years of pain and feeling like I’m being listened to but not heard I’m ready to give up and take my own life when I discover my last glimmer of hope.
My aunt. My hero. The one I owe so much to had taken me out to dinner and listened to me vent. I was finally being heard and given the courage to try just one final time before I let any negativity win. I make an appointment with someone new. I explain how I haven’t felt seen, what I was experiencing, how it makes me feel, and what I thought it was. I was practically diagnosed on the spot, but this is something that can only be diagnosed through exploratory surgery. December 16th, 2019, the day my life was changed, and I was finally heard. I was diagnosed with one of the most painful diseases most commonly found in women. Endometriosis is an often misunderstood chronic inflammatory disease where scar tissue grows on your organs. There is no cure and few treatment options but I found hope knowing I wasn’t weak and my pain wasn’t made up. It was real. I was finally able to let out that breath I was holding in for so long. I often wonder how much longer it would have taken to discover I was dealing with such an awful disease if I had given up and listened to the medical professionals who told me the pain was in my head. I have known of a few women who weren’t taken seriously and died of this disease. I hope sharing my journey encourages people to listen to their bodies and fight for themselves when they know something is wrong. If we don’t advocate for ourselves who will?
I can’t imagine the struggle you have been through. Having pain that can’t be seen physically is frustrating as most people won’t take you seriously and would be quick to dismiss it as something else. I’m glad you stuck through the years of pain and that you finally found the real cause. I wish you the best in managing the disease and hope you can…read more
People texting me, and they’re checking in
But I don’t have much to say,
And honestly I wish that I did.
Little comes to mind,
Except for how tragic it all is.
There’s a pit within me,
This deep sadness.
I struggle to acknowledge the reality,
The permanence and finality of it all.
There is a void in the world,
The one that you filled.
The void that I see daily.
I have my regrets, which I try not to focus on
And I know it wasn’t my fault
But that can’t take away my feelings
Everyone is quick to say that time heals..
so what do I do in the meantime?
Go on as if everything is okay?
I feel I don’t even have a choice.
I’m frustrated you’ve affected my life this way,
So my only option is to choose to control what I can
To go on.
Even though you decided not to.
That tears me apart.
Doctor after doctor tells me what I already know
What do they expect?
I’m not surprised when they tell me and provide suggestions.
I try to fight it but reality is I can’t,
Because how else will I make the time go by?
I’m left fighting for me AND you.
Left to pick up pieces I dream of being whole again.
And when I fight the passing of time,
I’m reminded of it all so vividly.
If only people could see,
How that tunnel vision they have causes a lifetime of pain,
If only they could see the aftermath without having to do it at all.
And if only that were enough.
People think that I’m okay, but truly what choice do I have?
I pretend that I am because I don’t have time to not be okay.
And when I let it out, it feels consuming.
I never understood why people took their life after losing a loved one unexpectedly,
Well I didn’t understand until it happened to me.
That sh*t weights down really heavy,
And I feel like I can’t breathe.
Nothing changes though, nothing but time.
It’ll pass me by and hopefully it all feels easier to deal with.
So if you’ve ever wondered if anyone cares,
If anyone would miss you when you’re gone,
I promise they would.
One day, you’ll realize that every day’s battle was worth fighting for.
Please keep going, it’ll be better in the morning.
This 6 a.m. August daylight of the Arizona desert still carries the coolness of the storm from two days ago. I can see the dim sunlight filtering in through the cheap wood blinds, just enough to illuminate the beautiful plants by the window. The house is quiet. The dogs are outside, the cats are roaming the counters helping dad get ready for his short overnight trip, waiting for a treat.
Today, I have no responsibilities—except making art, sleeping, and getting high. I rarely get the house all to myself. Your brother left for work around 1 a.m., right at the peak of my trip. I handled it well, but he still questioned something I said, with that familiar “what the hell are you even saying, Mom?” look on his face. Then he softened it, to be kind, as a courtesy to me. He tries so hard to love me and be polite. What used to be painful, and insulting is now kind of charming, and I’m grateful to him for that.
I think today makes it a couple of days since I last slept. Today is Thursday 6 a.m. and I think the last time I slept was Tuesday morning before my shift. But that sleep was good, and it’s held me over just fine.
So, I have the house all to myself. Heaven!
This morning’s trip has been all about love. Everything is love and gratitude. Everything. I used to be scared to say that out loud. Growing up Mexican, you learn that you can’t be too happy – God will remind you He exists, and so do problems and misery. You can’t be too grateful or too content, or God might strike you or one of your loved ones, just to make sure you remember how life really is, and so that you’re grateful for Him, not your life.
But it isn’t just God. Even now, I feel a sense of guilt, as if acknowledging and sharing my good fortune is somehow portentousness. Society suggests that I haven’t truly paid my dues – that all the strides and hard work I’ve put in become irrelevant the moment there’s comfort and financial security. Who am I to tell anyone that their perspective shapes their life, their present, and their future? Who am I to suggest that pain can be transformed into gratitude and love, just as it’s been happening to me?
Me. Indeed, that’s my perspective. But I know other perspectives are just as valid, and I respect that. The more I embrace that understanding, the more grace I have for my own journey, the more love I feel. And with that love comes the realization that it is possible to shift perspective, to shift toward love. The more I understand that we are both the same and different, the more everything shifts to love.
But with this growing love, my need to share expands alongside it, and that’s scary. I find myself talking too much, sharing my real opinions a little too loosely, using words like love, alignment, acceptance, and curiosity. My PTSD and insecurity creep in, trying to protect me from all this vulnerability, reminding me that being real hasn’t always worked out for me. Being real got me fired within two weeks of a new manager, after eight years at my job.
But the love, acceptance and curiosity keep flowing out of me, beyond my control. If someone wants to play the chronic patient, I’ll support them in their story. If they see themselves as the suffering family member bearing the burden of the world, I’ll validate that too. I’m with them. I’ll agree, feel, and truly taste it with them. I believe them. I know it’s their truth in that moment, in that space and time.
I have a patient who is the exact replica of Jabba the Hut – a barely mobile triangular puddle of skin and bones. The first time I received her report, it was full of examples of her neediness, labeling her as a frequent flyer who just seeks attention and medication. I was ready to do the bare minimum – keep her clean and drugged to her liking. But then I also chose to be curious, and she surprised me. She was aware, painfully aware, that she had chosen this role and was playing it to the best of her ability, even though she hated it.
She had a family, grandkids, a life beyond this hospital bed. When I asked her what first led to her decline, she started telling her story. But the deeper she went, the more detached she became, as if she no longer owned it. It’s fascinating to see someone dip in and out of their narrative, aware and then unaware, perhaps to avoid destroying the world they’ve built. What would she have left if she took responsibility for creating her life? Devastation, maybe.
Either way, I did my best. I repositioned her, making her more comfortable, brushed her hair, and tied it in a ponytail. I surprised her too, by offering to set her up to brush her teeth and wash her face in bed. I’ll take credit for the very basic needs of human dignity I provided; I will take credit without guilt or a sense grandiosity.
I, too, could easily slip in and out of my own soggy story – the one where I’m the saintly nurse who sees and cares for people on their worst days, a blend of Nightingale and Mother Theresa. It’s a good story, and it’s valid. Yes, being a nurse feels like carrying a crucifix every day. How did I end up here? Why didn’t I take the easy way out, some job with less emotional weight? One with a less intense kind of customer service. But here I am, and it’s teaching me so much about what I’m missing as a person, about who I am and who I’m not. And most importantly, it’s teaching me who I want to be. I am grateful every day that my experiences at bedside help me polish my humanness. It is a humble honor to remain curious.
That is one thing you all have in common, especially you, my strong, determined daughter. None of you take the easy way out, or in.
As I write this, I am less high, more grounded. Things are starting to get denser. The liberating feeling of doing whatever I want is dissipating with my high. But I know I will enjoy my day, regardless. The plan is still the same: do nothing.
I love you baby girl
Never ignore a person who cares for you.
Because someday you’ll realize
You’ve lost a diamond, while you were busy collecting stones.
You see…I’ll do a lot for a man I love…
But I’ll do even more for a man I know that loves me…or so I thought.
You’ve got to build with somebody who wants it as bad as you do.
I thought he did but I was fed something until I didn’t want to be fed anymore.
I never wanted to control him.
I wanted to let him do what he wanted so I can see what he would rather do.
I let him lead.
There is something sexy about letting a man lead in the relationship, just as long as he’s not controlling it or controlling me.
His actions will show how much he respects you and how much he loves you.
Just because you’ve brought something up, it doesn’t mean you want to argue.
It means communication.
It means you want to resolve things, get some clarity, learn, and grow together.
You both are adults and should be able to communicate.
I did so much for a man and was left because he couldn’t communicate and I believe he grew bored and that it broke my self esteem.
Maybe the 6, almost 7 years was too much for him.
But he told me this:
“You care and worry about the wrong things and let them eat you up to the point you turn and lash out so how about you know something. If it wasn’t for you half of my ships wouldn’t have sailed, you saved my ass on numerous occasions. You are worth more than money can buy and know that you yourself just in care alone… your currency is priceless, you’re more than dreams can buy. Like stop letting the little things you think and feel deter you from being in a happier place. Yeah things suck and aren’t what you want but that doesn’t make it worthless.”
He lost his diamond.
Funny because I was born in April.
He knows what I am worth now after everything he’s done to me but yet I still ask myself this question…
Why didn’t he fight for me?
Why wasn’t I enough for him to stay around for?
Why has he stayed with who he’s with now but has let me go so fast?
Oh wait, I’m sorry, he repeatedly tells me he’s not with her.
Things aren’t what they seem.
He’s not happy.
He wants to get away from all of that.
I am the mother of his youngest daughter.
The woman his other children love and who I love so much like I was the one who carried them inside of me and gave them life.
His best friend of over 20 years.
We planned a forever together, chose the colors, the theme, songs, and now look.
Nothing…
All due to his infidelity and I can’t seem to shake it off that maybe it was also due to me growing half of him inside of me.
He and I weren’t ready to be parents again.
But I accepted this beautiful little blessing that came to be another girl.
Hey guys. Just a thought…
We go along day to day..we get up, go to work, come home, eat supper, watch tv, go to bed…we get up, go to work…
Every day it’s the same thing. We might go to church on Wednesday night. We might go out to eat instead of cooking at home. But every day it’s pretty much the same thing…and on and on…
But then, one day, without rhyme or reason…always on a random Tuesday..could have been any Tuesday before, but no, it was exactly at the time when our thoughts are embedded in the mundane things we deal with every day, every week or month.
Maybe you lose your job, your spouse asks for a divorce, the doctor gives you that diagnosis you feared for so long. But in a single moment, everything falls apart. And you lose everything or everyone…and you’re floundering in a sea of uncertainty.
But think about all the times in the Bible when things just didn’t go as planned…someone or something just threw a monkey wrench into the whole situation.
Mary, 13 years old, sweet, chaste girl…an angel shows up and tells her she’s gonna have a baby. You know she said, “Well, you need to stop by my Mama’s room, cos she ain’t gonna believe this one.”
Or when Jonah got on that boat, running from his calling. No way did he expect he’d end up in a whale’s belly. And It’s difficult to even imagine what was going through his mind. But when he got out he understood exactly what was expected of him. It took ripping everything away for him to clearly understand.
When Moses saw the strange bush aflame but not being consumed, it drew him closer. And when God talked to him, he absolutely knew it was God. He wasn’t convinced that he was the one to lead the Jews out of Egypt, but he knew God meant what He said. And he followed the commands. But it was a complete deviation from his life as a shepherd and he had to have complete faith.
There are countless examples of God causing a disruption to make way for His plan. If only our minds were open and expectant to the interruptions and what they might mean for our life.
It is not comfortable to have your life pulled out from under you. As a matter of fact, it pretty much stinks. And if you’ve not been living just exactly right, well…it can feel like an earthquake. And it can shake any remnant of faith you might have acquired in your recent years.
It’s difficult to see past your arm’s length when most of your life is no longer there..no spouse, no children, no friends…not even familiar places you’re used to going. And there’s no amount of tears or screaming gonna bring it back.
It’s important to remember, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, “ declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Whew! That’s a relief! Cos I wasn’t gettin’ anywhere on my own!
And no, it’s not that easy. One has to work at it. Even if you have to immerse yourself in Psalm 23. Just like anything worth having, it takes thought and care. And yes, some days you’ll stumble…just don’t stay down, get back up and try again tomorrow. This world isn’t meant to be easy, but it is manageable..and God is never far away.
You guys take care. Much love…
It finally went away with acceptance.
It went away when I quit fighting with it, but invited it to tag along.
It went away when I saved it a seat.
It went away when I invited it on an adventure.
It went away when I bought it a special treat.
It went away when I pushed it on a swing.
It went away when I gave it its own pillow.
It went away when I asked for help.
It went away when I took it to serve someone.
It went away when I offered it healthy food.
It went away when we did ketamine together.
It went away as we walked mile after mile.
It went away when I realized it wasn’t a problem, but a person to be loved.
It started when I was in the psych hospital in August 2020 for a severe mixed manic-depressive episode.
I was sitting at the table, coloring pictures with the friends I had made at the hospital.
I looked up and saw the psychiatrist who was seeing me during my two-week stay. Except this time, I was looking at him… differently. He stood across the day room at the nurses’ station, his back to me.
I actually checked him out.
Checked. Him. Out.
“This is crazy!” I thought.
“What’s crazy?” my friend to my right said.
“Did I say that out loud?” I asked.
“You sure did.”
“I think I’m… in love with my psychiatrist.”
There was pandemonium at the table. My friends asked me so many questions. Nobody had ever talked about having romantic feelings for their psychiatrist. The interest was high.
The problem was that I had no idea how to answer any of their questions. This concept was new to me, too.
After I was discharged from the hospital, I spent months battling my romantic interest in my psychiatrist. I felt confused. Ashamed.
I was seeing my psychiatrist in intensive outpatient therapy as well. I never once mentioned my love for him. I was afraid that if I told him, he would reassign me to another psychiatrist, and I would never see him again.
One day in January 2021, five months after I… you know, I was curious and typed “I’m in love with my psychiatrist” into the Google search bar.
The results were amazing. I was not alone. There were articles about people falling in love with their therapists. Psychiatrists were less common.
I was experiencing a phenomenon called transference. Simply put, it happens when a client transfers feelings about an attachment figure in their lives, usually their parent or guardian, onto their therapist or psychiatrist.
Usually, those feelings of transference are familial, but sometimes those feelings are romantic. So while I am not a common occurrence, I am certainly not alone in my romantic feelings.
I digested this information on my own for two weeks. Then, I summoned the courage to tell my psychiatrist that I had been having romantic feelings toward him for the past five months.
My psychiatrist was compassionate. He said that while he will never pressure me to reveal anything else, the invitation to discuss my love for him will always be there.
I poured out my feelings to him slowly over the next four months as I kept switching between inpatient and intensive outpatient treatment. However, I still felt anxious to tell him yet more.
I had told very few people about being in love with my psychiatrist. I still felt uncomfortable sharing my feelings about him with others.
One day, I finally told my therapy group at intensive outpatient treatment that I have feelings of love for my psychiatrist. Then, I told them a little about transference.
I was not completely alone. Two other clients in the group said they had loving feelings toward their therapists, but it was parental for them, not romantic.
The group therapist said that transference is “the goal” in therapy – that if a client wants to make any progress in resolving their attachment issues, then they need to experience those feelings with someone compassionate – a therapist or psychiatrist – who will help them process and heal their attachment trauma.
I don’t think I’m a typical case of transference. I don’t see my psychiatrist regularly, only when I am in crisis at the psych hospital.
I have a therapist I see weekly, with whom I process my feelings toward my psychiatrist. I wish I could see my psychiatrist at least twice a month, but that, unfortunately, isn’t possible.
It has been four years since I fell in love with my psychiatrist. I have not resolved those feelings yet. I have processed so much, yet something feels stuck. However, I still believe it is possible to heal, so I am honest and open during every session with my therapist.
Here’s my message for you: If you develop strong feelings for your therapist or psychiatrist, whether your feelings for them are familial or romantic, you are not experiencing a setback.
You are making incredible progress.
Keep going. Explore your feelings for your therapist or psychiatrist. Talk to them about how you feel. A good one will be receptive, warm, and friendly.
You will peel back many layers of emotional pain and trauma, and you will eventually heal. I believe in you.
Dear World
If I’ve learned nothing from my days on this earth thus far, it is that I control very little in my life. Whether you believe in God or some other higher power, it is evident that someone else is in control.
I believe that God has our lives planned out for us before we gasp our first breath after leaving the womb. And to take it a step further, I believe that his original plan for us is one that is much easier than the path that we actually take.
Often times I have heard people say, “Why would God let this happen?” My response is always the same, “Why not?” Why wouldn’t He challenge us?
I’ll give you an example. My first marriage was a challenge. From the start, there were signs that it never should have happened. But, as a young girl with starry eyes and visions of a Cinderella story in my head, I ignored the signs (most likely hints from God that it wasn’t what he wanted for me) and walked down the aisle. Even my father questioned my decision right before he took my arm.
I spent the next twenty years trying to make my fantasy become a reality. The man I married was not a man of faith, which made things even harder. And there were signs along the way, opportunities for me to deviate from the path I had chosen, but I didn’t. I believed that if I broke the vows I had committed to that I would fall from grace.
Once again, instead of listening to Him, I continued to keep my marriage glued together in whatever way I could. I do that a lot. I’ve done it with my family for years. But if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that God is far stronger than I am and I need to step out of the way.
When my marriage was ending, I continued to glue it together, thinking there was no way I could survive without it. My children would suffer, I would suffer, and it would be a mess. But the truth is, once I let go and let it happen, things got easier. That’s not to say that divorcing someone after 20 years of marriage and two children is easy, it’s not. But I can tell you that with time, things got easier. I got stronger and happier. But it wasn’t on my own; God was beside me every step of the way.
There have been many other challenges in my life. I have learned not to be afraid of what life deals me. I have learned that there is lesson in everything that happens, even if I don’t know the reason.
I have also learned to cherish the quiet times. Those times when life seems easier, and more peaceful. Those are the times when I contemplate the moments that weren’t so quiet and what there is to learn from them.
Philippians 4:12-13 “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”