After years, the day is finally here
At 22, I had started my long voyage
Not knowing what to expect, I was in fear
The road seemed endless, with long days and nights ahead
But with support behind me, they cheered for me

After years, the day is finally here
At 23, I was passing my way through classes
Being advanced, I would complete it sooner than later, dear
Between constant death, moving, heartbreak, and more
I didn’t know how to handle life’s hardships while full-time

After years, the day is finally here
At 24, things were tough, but I carried on
Letting God and Jesus guide my way, my path became clear
I worked so hard but was doing excellent
Through the tears, I toughed my way through without giving up

After years, the day is finally here
At 25, my heart and brain were extremely exhausted
My dedication and sweetness to everyone was endear
Onward and upward, a lot of growing and healing was made
Step by step, I got closer and was filled with promise and hope

After years, the day is finally here
At 26, I felt new as a new path began to unfold
While I spread my wings as my new chapter was all clear
I had support behind my back from family, friends, and my lover
On December 14th, I was filled with joy, hearing cheers, laughter, and glory

You had me just last week.
On the 24th day of September.
After a drive to grab some things,
It was a session that I could always remember.
I sit and think about our interaction.
And how it instantly pulled me back together.
For me just to go home and think about you,
It’s been raining all day and my mood now matches the weather.
Then you come back to what was once our house,
Which I now live alone in with my son and our daughters,
And I fed you while you played with our youngest as I fought my urge to kiss you,
For you to just come back to see me later on that night and take me again…
just like I was all yours, always in all ways, for you to go and leave right after.
Put me right to sleep.
I just hope this doesn’t end again in a disaster.
My love continues to grow,
I don’t know what your intention is but I’m letting you lead,
I keep saying I’m leaving it in God’s hands,
I just want our family back but I don’t know if that’s what you want it to be.
You’re keeping quiet about your feelings about me and about this.
I just want you to speak and be open.
Why are you so closed off?
Stop being hesitant and stop acting broken.
I trying not to read you,
Assumptions are always wrong.
The more I overthink,
The more it’s not going to belong.
You take every single inch of me again.
More intense each time.
Increasing the passion as my love for you does when I see you and you kiss me.
The way I know you only want me as yours and I want you as mine.
You finally confess the truth about me to me,
You’ve never stopped loving me and you keep coming back for a reason.
One of those not only being our love but also our child.
Baby I want this to work out, I don’t need this being only for a season.

There’s a core memory that stood out from all the rest.
A road trip to Tybee Island sparked my creativity when I wasn’t at my best.

Beneath the sun-kissed sky, the ocean’s rhythm lulled my soul,
As laughter danced on salty air, carefree and whole.

My heart, once shattered, found solace in the sea,
A canvas washed clean, ready for me.

A spark ignited, a fire within,
As I poured my heart out, pen to skin.

Words flowed like the tide, a healing art,
Mending my spirit, piece by piece, from the start.

With loved ones by my side, I found my way,
A beacon of hope, a brighter day.

No longer burdened, no longer alone,
A newfound strength, a heart of stone.

Quality time spent feeling free, allowed me to find peace.
Encompassed with love, wrapped in a soft, gentle fleece.

A judgment-free space where I felt safe to bare my soul.
An unforgettable day at the beach, full of stories untold.

Dear Unsealers…

I spent over 100 hours studying material I wasn’t interested in, to earn a job I knew wouldn’t be fulfilling. I began 2024 certified in life, health, property, and casualty insurance. I took the job because it was acceptable, it paid better, and it seemed like it would be less toxic than the five other jobs I had quit over the last eight years.

I was wrong.

I hated it. Each day brought me more anxiety because I knew this wasn’t where I was supposed to be. After thirteen years of hospitalizations, treatment facilities, and medications, the fog of mental illness lifted just enough for me to see that I was headed in the wrong direction. This clarity brought new challenges. In the past, I took jobs I thought I was supposed to, overworked myself, then wondered why I would get burnt out and quit without even putting my two weeks in. I didn’t want that life anymore.

I walked into my (very intimidating) boss’s office to tell her that after months of rigorous training, this wasn’t for me.

I couldn’t stand working for people who didn’t care about my well-being, who told me I was being too much or not enough, who treated me like I was replaceable yet simultaneously put so much responsibility on my shoulders. In my rebellion, I applied to become a server. I hadn’t regularly exercised in years and was not great at lifting heavy things as I have back problems, but it didn’t matter to me. I limped home after shifts, slipped into Epsom salt baths while I winced, used lidocaine patches, and ate ibuprofen like candy. This was a small price to pay for independence.

I got laid off very suddenly, with no prior discussions about my performance. Apparently hands-off management has its’ downside. I worked at another restaurant for a few months, and the same thing happened. Backed into a corner, I filed for unemployment.

I confessed to my Boomer parents (who were so excited that I got a “big girl job” at the insurance agency) that I wasn’t happy. I told them I wanted to write full-time. Mom asked, “What kind of writing?” with concern, pretending it was curiosity. She hates that I write autobiographical poetry, which is why she always says I would be “so good at fiction.” Dad says, “This may be cliché, but I do think Millennials don’t want to work as hard.” Apparently prefacing it with the fact that it sounds cliché was supposed to soften the blow.

I have always been the black sheep of the family, afraid to step out of line. Joined a sorority because Mom wanted me to. Married a man I didn’t want to, had a big wedding because it was the thing to do. Played house for a few years. Got as thin as possible. Postponed tattoos I wanted. I was always living life for someone else…for what someone else wanted me to be.

This year, I was willing to sit in the discomfort and embarrassment of not having my worth tied to my income or productivity. I went to multiple interviews and for once, I was honest. I wasn’t playing a part so they would pick me. I sat with the disgust of years of corporate abuse, systemic ableism, discrimination, and bullying I tolerated just to barely afford being alive. I turned multiple prospects down. At first, it was painful to say no. I over-apologized and gave long explanations. Trauma makes you feel like you owe everyone a piece of yourself; that you are not autonomous over your will and your body.

2024 was the year of “No.” I said no to shitty jobs that made me want to die. I said no to unhealthy family patterns of codependency and compliancy. I said no to situations and people that hurt me. I said no because it felt right. I said no, because I could. The discovering is in the declining. The moments of feeling uncomfortable, the pauses when you consider changing your mind. The grief over all the times you said yes when you felt backed into a corner. The exhaustion of self-sacrifice, the years lost to unconscious behaviors. The joy of learning to trust yourself.

There are days I become stuck in my mind, replaying stories of how lazy and worthless I am, how I am wasting time every minute that I am not job hunting or writing. I am slowly learning to combat these fictional tales that capitalism and hustle culture have drilled into me. Sometimes, I long for the days where I could compartmentalize better. I could go to work on autopilot, come home, get high, then do it all again. But those days have run out.

Thank God for that.

Faith forged through fire, adversity’s claim,
A legacy born from struggle and name.
Essential Art, a beacon, took form,
In the storm of a pandemic’s norm.
Amid fracture and trial, you stood tall,
Rebuilding dreams despite it all.

The weight of grief, the flood’s cruel tide,
And the ache of watching loved ones collide
With frailty’s hand—but you didn’t yield.
Integrity served as your guiding shield.
From your father’s honor to WWII’s lore,
Scholarship seeds you sought to restore.

Then came a day—a memory to keep,
Of joy so pure, it stirred you deep.
A gathering of hearts, a table’s embrace,
Urban Meditation, a sacred space.
There, on your birthday, renewal took flight,
A gift to another, the future alight.

The checks you bestowed carried more than gold,
They carried the stories that never grow old:
Of courage and love, of rebuilding anew,
Of finding good people who carry you through.
Laughter and hope warmed the room that night,
As candles flickered with radiant light.

A birthday not of aging, but rebirth,
A celebration of purpose and worth.
To give back is to bloom in the soil of care,
And find blessings abundant, everywhere.
Through storms, you’ve learned what truly lasts—
The love we plant, the strength of our pasts.

Faith forged through adversity, now refined,
A thank-you to yourself, a heart aligned.
The year’s sweetest moment, a memory divine,
Of grace shared freely—a legacy’s shine.

Kindergartners, as it turns out, are quite avid breakdancers. If it weren’t for the birth of my beautiful daughter, I never would have known this. If it weren’t for the fulfillment of her 5-year-old heart’s desires (a dance party and pierced ears), I might never have experienced the wonder that is a posse of youngsters getting all kinds of jiggy with it. That free and energetic spirit on the dancefloor warmed my heart and became for me a cherished memory and a new prayer- that those kiddos might always keep that spark alive in them, even when they become “too cool” or afraid to be vulnerable.

The 5th birthday is a big one. It’s amazing the way that children’s milestones come to fruition. I expected first words and first steps to be a clear moment in time, a definitive pinpoint. As it turns out, they’re messier and more complicated. They’re full of half steps, partial words, forward and backward motions, and so too was the passage from 4 to 5 for my darling Bella Luna.

The fun began with an appointment to pierce her ears. We gathered at the mall with her Nonna, her Tia, her Tio, and of course, my wife, myself, and her little sister. As we approached Claire’s, we were distressed to see the lights off and a chain link gate pulled down in the store front. We stood there, looking in, as if somehow that would magically make the place open and ready for the big event. Just as unease began to creep in, the employee (who was on lunch break) came over.

“I’ll be open again in 15 minutes,” she said with an edge of annoyance.

“We had an appointment to get my daughter’s ears pierced at 1:00,” I reply, with a hint of authority.

“Did you do it online? Cause we don’t get those. Anyways, I can’t pierce anyone’s ears under the age of 6. I’m not trained for it.”

That was the critical moment- the one where, as a parent, panic sets in. Not that you need her birthday to be “perfect,” but you surely hope that you can deliver on the planned promises and meet her expectations. I could see tears welling up in Bella’s eyes as the meaning of this young lady’s words started to register.

We cut our losses, walking away after bickering about how there shouldn’t be online bookings if they won’t be honored and how we were sorely disappointed in this denial. We then frantically called tattoo parlors, looking for a last-minute chance. All our efforts were fruitless. Bella’s Nonna hopped on the highway back home, and we all hung our heads. Bella, ever resilient, was consoled by the fact that she would get them pierced one day, if not today.

That’s when I decided to make a move. I went back down to Claire’s, and I used two parts rizz and one part birthday guilt to convince the young lady to do this thing. She got on board with it after I assured her of Bella’s maturity and showed her that she had the chance to do something extraordinary on this droll day of working away at the mall- she had the chance to make a young girl’s, rather a whole family’s, birthday wish come true.

As I walked back to my family in triumph, I was filled with a sense of joy and excitement. The look in my wife’s eyes and Bella’s as well confirmed to me that I had won the day. We got Bella’s ears pierced, and she was the best bravest girl, determined to bear whatever it took to get a new way to express herself, accessorize, and be the fashionista she is. After a celebratory dinner, it was time to put our eyes towards the party the following day.

We stayed up late making decorations, preparations, and sharing some of favorite memories from these short yet full five years. The morning dawned, and Bella, true to form, got her party outfit on first thing. From that very first moment, through all those that followed, I did my best to anchor myself in the present. To be there for this flickering, fleeting finale, the end of one era and the start of a next. Staying present was challenging at moments, but that moment the first song came on, and Bella and all her little friends absolutely got down to the banging beat, well, it would’ve been impossible not to be attuned for that one. I only hope that I will be able to be present for many such moments over the course of her life, that I embrace the privilege and opportunity it is to be her guide, her coach, and her friend. When I get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope I dance.

the body of the goddess

the silk tan skin
the gentle sweet kisses

slid them off
slid on me
tongue locks tongue tied tenderly

pulse in chest because
i can’t lose you
a silly excuse when she’s half naked.

slid off me
slid them on
carried to the door, laughter explodes

i love you

drive safe

My Goals for 2025

My goals for 2025
My first goal is to be alive

This year was tough,
And mentally rough

I have loved and I have lost
But at what cost

When one door closes; another opens
Next year will be peaceful; I am hoping

I was confused but now it’s clear
I will create my own destiny for next year

This year my marriage has ended and we both are now free
My goal for next year is to take care of me

12/15/2024
Deborra Hill

Who knows where the light lives
Who knows why it’s here
There’s music in the mystery
There is magic
There is fear
ar
The wonder of connection
Incendiary and soft
That sets spirits dancing
Unfettered to a future
Unshackled by the past

Magic and mystery
Whispers ad winds
Trust in the music
Trust in the friend

Hearts have been wounded, warped, shattered
Still angels would teach us to sing
Of this challenge we’re silently facing
As we dream of a path to the sea

Light only comes from the darkness
Light only lives in the heart
Light alone can make roses and rainbows
We must choose to rise or to beach or to go

Well.. I mean… 2024 isn’t really over yet…
But I’m almost willing to bet…
That my greatest moment hasn’t happened yet…
Words can’t begin to describe how long I’ve waited…
Or how many years it’s felt like my hearts been deflated…
Wrestling often with the thoughts I’ve debated…
The amount of time I’ve spent suffering alone…
A chill that that sinks into the depths of the bone…
Yet to finally find a woman… I can call my own…
Words can’t begin to describe how much joy she brings
A treasure truly greater than anything
Which is why I chose to buy her a ring
That I may claim her as mine
A gentle beauty so fine
As if crafted by a hand divine
Kind, loving, hardworking and diligent
She is truly magnificent
Almost as if she’s been heaven sent
She came to me at a time when I was at one of my lowest
So I hope to give her all of my best
To be able to provide her with a life of comfort and rest
And tho our journey together has not officially begun
I still find myself utterly stunned
For I can see her being the mother to my daughters and sons
If there’s one message to her I hope to send
Its that my love for her knows no end
All that’s left, is for my to knee to bend…
So I suppose…
It’s time for me to propose
With a ring and a rose

Dear Mommy,

Hi, Mommy. It’s me—your little mini. I might not have all the words yet, but I have lots of feelings, and I think you should know how much I love you.

When you left, I didn’t really understand why. But I can feel your love every day, even from far away. Grandma AKA as “Lala” tells me all the time how brave you are, and even though I miss you, I’m so proud of you too.

You’re my hero, Mommy. Not just because you wear a uniform, but because you’re my mommy. You make me feel safe, even when I can’t see you. Every night, I cuddle with the blanket that smells like you, and I pretend your arms are wrapped around me. Lala and I watch your video telling me how much you love me. I grab the phone a squeeze it mommy.

Lala is taking good care of me. She’s pretty great (but don’t worry, no one can ever take your place). We play a lot, and sometimes, when I laugh really hard, I think of you, because you make me laugh the most. Especially when I see you through the window and you tell me “hi baby it’s momma”.

I can’t wait for you to come home. I have so many new tricks to show you—like how I can climb on everything (Lala says it’s a problem, but I think it’s fun). And my hugs? Oh, Mommy, they’re the best. I’ve been saving the biggest, squishiest one just for you.

Thank you for being so strong and doing what you do. But don’t forget—I’m counting down the days until you’re back in my arms. Until then, I’ll be here, growing and waiting for you, with love in my heart and your picture by my bed.

I love you to the moon and back infinity, Mommy. And then some and then some…

Love,
Your baby boy AKA Mini💕

Heal yourself before you let anyone too close.
I wanted to heal myself before I leant too close to your heart, but it seemed as though the intimacy of nightfall took ownership of my will, well before I could prepare for the unknown of what comes next.
I couldn’t tell her no.

A fire was lit that night, though unsure if it was ours.

The trees were whistling with the sounds of whispers and I remember being afraid of moving too loud—as I was afraid of breaking the silence.

Our silence.
Our mouths salivating.
Our skin pierced with the teeth of blood sucking vessels.
Our fears enlarging.

Neither one of us wanted to move, no matter how painful.
However,
this was nothing compared to the pain we usually felt.

This was pain that one could appreciate for not being so heavy.

Your silence speaks of hidden languages that only a fellow hurt person could understand—I was only favored enough to understand it.
Similar to the way your eyes tell a story that is both beautiful and sorrowful if you stare too closely—so I don’t.

I turn my head the opposite way on your chest so that I could listen with more depth to the sounds of your heart waves.
I was overcome with a feeling of emptiness.
Hollow even, but a heart was still inside.
It’s beating faster than usual.
It’s the feeling of a race being chased by its own blood. Whoever stops the beating first is the most comfortable. There was no off button, no way to stop what was actually being felt.
We just had to wait for the intensity to cool down.

I told you that I was tired,
to which you replied “so fall asleep”
And I did—I attempted.

The sky took away the brightness of day, along with it the warmth of a summer evening. Though replaced with your presence. Nightfall no longer brought the fear of solitude and the self-sabotage my thoughts spawned. And I no longer feared of what happens if both our darknesses activated on such a night.

I whisper to you, “I can hear your heartbeat.”
Your silence was louder than your wavelength.

At that moment, I was unsure if words were allowed, unsure if I should have spoken—so I didn’t.

We are both broken inside, I can feel it. I can feel you.

We were both hesitant, but it still felt nice—to know that we both came from dark and twisted places, yet no matter how broken, we only saw each other as human.

I knew not to let go, as this hour was the only hour we had that time was allowed to stop. That’s what it felt like.
A pause.
A pause on all the heartbreak we’ve undergone.

I’ve been heartbeat to heartbeat
with other people before,
skin to skin,
but it never felt like when I was with you.
This didn’t feel so wrong.
Instead, this felt okay.
This felt like safety was an understatement.

I can feel your heartbeat again,
but this time its closer towards your lap,
with me laying across you.
You’re afraid to touch me—so you don’t.
However, you don’t want me to move.
Unfortunately, those were actions that we couldn’t act on.

Together, we reached safety within our hearts.
An unspoken true love.
Builders then constructed a home.
One with no loud anger, no worries, no glass boxes, and no heartbreak.
We put a pause to the hurt. How did we manage to do this? Perhaps the darkness that we shared created a dark hole. One that was powerful enough to create a temporary silence.

You were gentle. I was anxious.
I kept you warm, and you kept me still.
No anger, no worries, no fears, and no hurt.
We put a pause to the hurt. How did we manage to both come from dark and twisted places but still together, we were able to create something that was so whole and safe?
While only temporary, it was still nice.

I would then crawl into you and enjoy the sounds of love bugs within the air.
And before the night was over,

—before the sky released the brightness of the day…along with it the warmth of summer evening
—before the hours of dawn erased a memory of what special was held in that very moment…
—And before magic went back to being parable…

We allowed ourselves to be intimate in other ways.
That’s what I like to call sincere friendship.

Hop in my charcoal gray Nissan
I call her sweet, Storm Moltenya
hankering, hungrily for my favorite guacamole
it’s such a lovely, broken heart mender
swerving swiftly through the street
to my glorious green treat
on the radio, a lo-fi beat
relaxing, rocking in my seat

striking sights suddenly stop
me amidst the concrete maze
my eyes bathe in a golden glaze
pampering, pretty pink haze
Happy, hopeful heavens amaze
sunbeams bow as they blaze

cloud crests curl compassionately
atop blue beauty, like festive covers
swirling colors like lustful lovers
floating forces connect
robust, radiant, and proud
one keeps calling, like a friend to me
rare and distinct from the crowd
with a name, it is endowed
Titan is silent, yet loud

drawn in by his magnanimous mojo
body like a stairway to Cielo
sunlight illuminates his halo
saying, “Climb up, spend a day or so”
to meet my spirit guides, I want to go

for a little while, he makes me smile
magnificently moving, I like his style
shaped like a seven, such a divine posture
delightfully doting, my full attention I offer

tall Titan
incredible, inviting
enchanted to behold you
with you, I’m vibing
just joy riding
admiring you from all angles
an amazing abode for angels

viewing your spectacular stature
over the rolling green pasture
peace, presence, and love
from the majestic master
of this unique universe
I’m inspired to pen a verse

listening to Miguel
feeling alive and well
earlier felt like hell
now I’m witnessing heaven
picturesque, pineapple, purple skies
baptize, bless, caress, and surprise
viewing this vibrant vision, I realize

Everything is going to be alright.

Dear Unsealed,
2024 was and is forever changing directions around the world.
As I step up the ladder to look out at the world,
I slip,
I grip,
The sides of the ladder as it staggers slowly to the ground,
All around
The neighborhoods of America
We shout I care!
I kept my goals of diet, focusing, eating healthy and all the other goals I had proposed processing the exchange from 2023 to 2024. I wrote for The Unsealed and Vocal.
My newest accomplishment was writing and producing 18 songs after signing a contract with #distrokid online. That was not planned. I had music training beginning early in life. I utilize Suno AI, Invideo Ai, LTX studios AI, Sora AI to produce videos with my music to publish on you tube. I create music, words, and beats and all that from my heart and soul to make people happy or to talk about political issues through music. I discovered this is my new adventure.
I am still waiting on commissions from Vocal for this year. I am waiting for my royalties from my music. A goal for another story will be written soon.
2024 was a progressive year of changes, elections, and then the non-progressive election of a backwards society person to suppress women, the elderly, the vulnerable of our society. My answer to all of that malarky’ is I will remain who I am as a creative woman of elder age of 75.
The world watches all.
The world will see as the ball
Drops in Times Square 2024.
As before
We salute 2024,
We crash our drinks to 2025,
We are alive
To strive for rainbows,
Not illusions of unicorns,
But truth, freedom, and to be born
To spread love across the world
Of the good, the bad, the ugly.
As I type on my pc to be a ladybug
Of character of values to flow
Across from 2024 to 2025,
More songs, stories, poems, art
Not farts.
So, I summarize my eccentric rant of 2024
As each year goes forward
My music and contract with #distrokid were my unexpected 2024 goal that came true as I walked the path of the year transformation from dark to light.
So bright,
So very light,
Breathe!

I am in that time of life when looking into the mirror reveals a face that looks back at me–
and I no longer see myself
as I see my-
Self.

I am in that time of life when new music and shows and scenes are too loud and too much and too many and the sound of silence and childhood nostalgia
are soft
and calm
and exact.

I am in that time of life when the more really should be the less–and while so much is thought-
so much less is said
because when you know…you know to do better.
And, better is in what is left
unspoken.

Yes,
I am in that time of life when the thought of menopause is no longer a mystery, but an expectation and dreams are plans and goals made and promises broken or kept
or both-and-
what’s left has now grown into
a woman.

A woman in that time of life who has seen or sees her mother in herself-
as a mother-
and if not-
sees herself as the mother who has learned how to be her
Self
As
An-
Other.

That time of life, I am in
as a woman- now
And keep growing into myself even
further.

I would love to tell you 2024 was the GREATEST year ever, but it has been MY MOST GROWING year, this year we received my hero ( my mom had leukemia, and we were prepared to fight with her , we rushed her to the hospital on multiple occasions and for a month she was in the hospital, so we took care of 2 homes and prayed and believed in a MIGHTY GOD, who can do ALL THINGS, well after the month was up , she was CLEARED OF IT ( THANK YOU JESUS) and I rented a billboard and I TOLD EVERYONE, she was coming home, she beat the leukemia ( ALL THANKS TO GOD) I watched as all those years it was MY TURN to help her, Everyday is a NEW DAY and we don’t look months in advance, we are taking day by day. 2024 was the year I GREW MENTALLY, and I watched my mom BEAT what was impossible.. LUKE 1:37 For with God nothing shall be impossible

2024 Sing,Dance,Act
Best
Better
The Bomb
Graduate 2024 Sing your song!
Best
Better
The Bomb
Graduate 2024 Dance to your prom!
Best
Better
The Bomb
Graduate 2024 Act cool, Act fast, Act like a grown up for your mom!