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Respect 💞
I told my brother once — who I was dating — & He replied to me
“I thought you had more self-respect than that”
Later on in life — I realized — he was right
(But it was not my intention)For the last 10 yrs — those words have been engraved in my mind — like a tombstone
I had a lot of deja-vu signs —
That led me to believe — him & I were meant to be — but we weren’t tho
Im sorry — but I mean — come on now
He read me — Bible stories & Scriptures 🙏🏽I thought — I had self respect — thru a period of time — in the past
But somewhere — down the line — I lost it
I like to think — I’m doing better now a days — & I can finally say — once again — I have it
I was just an old soul — in a superficial world
withought a strong voice — of her own — to put her foot downI was searching for something — in someone else — that was meant to be found — within myself
But truly — I think— what he said to me — then — really did help
I think back on — the first time — I moved out — on my own
About a year or so — out of an abusive —relationship — with a child of my own
Things became different — then the life — I envisioned — & it really took a toll
Lord knows — all I wanted — was a God filled family
Definitely not — another broken home
I was readjusting my lenses — to try to understand — & accept my new life — and what happened
I questioned so much — about myself — & all I believed in
Every-time I tried to do right — It backfired on me
& the emotions became — overpowering & depleting
My first love — was facing a long time — on the other side — & the news of that — was heartbreaking
We weren’t together at the time — but that’s something — you never wanna hear about — your middle school love — from 8th grade
My second one — was church bound — for a while — long enough to make me smile — & put a ring on it
We got engaged after 3 months — but shortly after that — things changed
We went from Bible stories to —
“I hope you die bitch”But Ik that — he’s only human — so I try to my best — to forgive him
He tried to walk down — a Righteous path —
& a part of me — wants to believe — the intention was pure — and authenticBut how could he not — go back to the hood — when what he thought to be true
became faker then the streets — he once knew — & tried to get away from
The pastor — along with his crew — were all
“wolfs in sheeps clothing”Sneaky, deceiving & misguiding —
Misleading everyone they knew — including you — & I’m sorry
I had dedicated — several years of my life to God — & he told me — to trust him
But can you imagine?
How painful & confusing it was — to have lost — not only my first love — but my second ?
All while trying — to make the right choices —
but instead gaining — religious PTSD — in the process ?Who was I suppose to turn to — & believe in
While battling — all these inner demons — & traumas — I was dealing with
I went thru many — up-down phases — of believing — while simultaneously — grieving
So I ran away — from my feelings — into the arms of people — I can no longer — even remember
I gave access to my home — & my temple — & said yes at times — I should have definitely — had said no
I had a voice of my own — but didn’t know how to use it
That shits triggering — to remember
Cause little me — just wanted someone to love — & protect her
Not realizing then — I was all I ever needed — & was looking for
So I’m thankful — I now — better respect — myself & my temple
Thankful — I respect my brother — as a father figure — more then I do — a brother
His opinion — really matters to me — So I truly strive — to make him proud
I’m sorry bro, that back then —
Your little sister — didn’t know how 🥺
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Wow! I am so glad you found your voice. It was always there and no you know it is there. I’m proud of you for digging deep and realizing your strength and power. <3 Lauren
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