I close my eyes and blow on a dandelion, making a wish to have you here for one more year. I open my eyes and watch as the seeds fly around. You are not here but I feel you are near, watching over me when I cry or feel fear. You will never know when that one more embrace, dance, or moment will be the last. If I had known when I woke you would be gone I would not have let go so fast. You sparkled brighter than any star in the sky, I would give them all to hear you sing one more lullaby. My guardian angel, you are so dear. I am still wishing for you to appear, one final moment to have you right here. One day I will join you for a dance in the sky, until then I will never be the first to let go again or deny a kiss goodbye.

I lost so many; how do I choose to write about just one?
I often feel like I have no pulse, or I am numb.
I embrace the warmth of the bright sun.
This is to my lost loved ones.
I have been blessed to have a life of inspiration.
They taught me how to navigate through aggravation.
I can still feel their presence and see their faces.
How can I feel so sad and at the same time so amazing?
My angels, my lost loves, my broken pieces of my heart turned into a beautiful puzzle.
The puzzles of memories placed in a frame make it emotional and lovable.
If I could get back that one dance, that one kiss, that one hug, I would be more huggable.
If only I could go back in the past and get into that good trouble.
To my lost loved ones, please keep a place for me and make sure it’s fun.
I miss all of you, so many, too many to count, there is no way I could just pick one.
Remember to cherish the now as the past can never become undone.
A big thank you to my lost loved ones.

A Letter Without an Address
My dear baby brother,
It’s been two and a half years since you drew your final breath
Alone and far away.
I wasn’t able to be there to hold your hand
And ease your passage to the spirit world
But even if I could have managed the flight,
I don’t know if I could have borne the reality that you were forever leaving me,
Moving so much farther away from me than the miles that separated us,
Moving so much further than ever before
To a place I could not reach.
Forgive me for my cowardly response.
I could not bear to see you struck down, mind shattered by a sudden devastating stroke.
I could not bear the reality that you were no longer there
And never would be again.
I hear your voice in my mind sometimes
Accompanied by your jests and laughter
And I miss you terribly
But those visits show me that you are still with me,
That our bond transcends this mortal plane,
And our love endures.
Rest in peace , beloved baby brother.
Till we meet again,
Your devoted sister Kathy

I pray and make my wish very clear,
Hoping that one day you will appear.
Conjured up by pink and green fairies;
So that means we can surf through the air.
With a wave of a wand and some pixie dust,
We can go ride unicorns just like we discussed.
Of course, you said no because of your old bones.
But with closed eyes we could sail through the sky like drones.
I would take away your worries and we will have fun,
And no one can stop us because we shine like the sun.
Your presence I wish I can feel to this day,
It’s been almost three years since you’ve gone away.
I wish with everything in me I had a fairy,
I’d fly up to heaven in a magical ferry.
But I can’t be selfish and bring you back,
When you are already home and nothing you lack.
I can’t bring you back with me,
Because you are where you are meant to be.
And if you come with me,
You will never be free.
You believed in me before I did,
Even when I was just a kid.
So, you inspire me to keep going
Even when I feel lost and unknowing.
You showed me how to believe in myself,
By putting myself doubt on the shelf.
I hold you close to my heart,
Because I know your spirit will never depart.
Thank you for being the best you can be
So I can soar and show you who you raised me to be.

Dear You, Not the Fabricated You,

But truly: You

When you breathed your last
I took my first into a life, unknowingly
without you.

I searched for you in other people.
The places you walked – I obsessed to be in.
I didn’t know how to be me.

I wanted to be you,
so you could always be with me.

Your voice is in the waves that humbled me.
You’re in every season now –
no longer frozen in the summer
that stunted my heart.

The closest I have ever felt to your love
was finally being me,
without you.

With Love,
Your daughter who climbed Apple trees to reach your hand

As your eyes closed one last time, the song “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley was playing.

About five years after you passed, at a time when I had felt entirely unraveled, I heard that song playing in a restaurant. All of the noise around me and in my head was silenced. I knew it was you. Now, whenever I hear that song, I think it’s you reminding me that “every little thing is gonna be alright”.

You were my grandfather, but in reality, you were more like my father. For all the times he wasn’t there for me, you were. You were the one to drive me to school, tell me stories, and teach me about your favorite things like flowers, trees, and airplanes. You were the one who showed me Bob Dylan and Mark Knopfler. You were the one behind the video camera making sure my childhood would be remembered and you were the one sitting in the stands at my swim meets with your own stopwatch in hand.

I wish I could talk to you now that I’m an adult; now that I understand a bit more what the world is made of. Sometimes I wish you were here to tell me what to do. The more that I understand, the more I admire the man you were. The more I see the real world, the more I admire the way you walked through it.

One of my favorite stories to tell about you is a time when you were in the National Guard working as an air mechanic. Your boss came to you with a promotion opportunity and you, being always so true to yourself, said to him “who is the best at what I do?”

“Well, you,” he answered.

“Then why would you want to change that?” You said. The integrity you carried yourself with and the passion you had for what you did is unmatched by anyone I’ve ever met.

There is so much about you that I aspire to be. You were the smartest man I ever knew. It seemed like you knew everything about everything. You were sure of yourself, and you stood strong in the person you were.

Whenever I see a feather on the ground, I am drawn to it. I pick it up and I think of you. No particular reason why; perhaps it reminds me of the “Three Little Birds” song. Maybe I am just searching for you everywhere I go, but I like to think of it as you saying “hi” and that you’re still with me.

I will hold you and your memory close to my heart until the day I die. I will live my life in a way that celebrates your honor. I will remember to be brave, gather my feathers, and sing “every little thing is gonna be alright”.

It’s been two months since you passed away. I still can’t comprehend it. I’m still grieving and healing, and it’s hard because I still expect you to come into my room and wake me up with your head bumps. I still hear you saying “ma” instead of “meow,” and I remember how you would always try to steal food when I or your grandma started eating. I miss every part of you. You helped me through so much – depression, and anxiety, and you taught me how to be gentle and care for another, even if it has four legs. You taught me responsibility, and I know you were happy in the end. I miss you so much, to the point where I wouldn’t stop crying for missing you.
I believe you’re up in heaven looking down at me, and asking God for a sign, I received one. On June 7th, 2024, I saw a cloud shaped like a black cat, which made me and grandma cry. We believe that even though you’re not physically here, mentally and emotionally, you are. Then, I asked for another sign, and once again I got it. When my coworker heard about my cat’s passing, she offered me a cat for adoption. I immediately said yes because of the sign of the black cat cloud. The next day, my coworker mentioned adopting a black cat, and then my boyfriend found a purple ball with a black cat on it. I felt like my Mitsu was sending me signs. After all that, in three days, I got sign after sign about a black cat and decided I wanted another cat. My coworker and I went to get the cat, but she wasn’t there as she was a stray. However, we later found four black kittens near a school and managed to catch one of them. After treating and cleaning the kitten, I welcomed it into my home. This whole experience led me to find another baby boy in honor of my Mitsu.

dear grampie,
i saw you again
in my dream last night
you were almost like i remember you
spirits high
body just trying to keep up

i got the lighting just right
to take a picture of you
capture the moment in my memories
with your big smile
eating a juicy steak

i forgot you aren’t here anymore
woke up with a question to ask you
as i wrote it down
i remembered
you’re not here anymore

i remember what you told me the last time we saw each other
follow your passion
you’ll make it work
love matters most

June 27, 2024

Dearest Great Aunt Dinah,

How I shall miss you, though even so you & I were not as close, as I was with my late Great Grandma Ruth, your little sister. There was still something about you that I cherished that connected, based on her. Impartial to Grandma Ruth, you were a woman of integrity, just like her, you had a smile that could light up the world. Furthermore, fair-minded to Grandma Ruth, you were always happy & excited whenever you spotted your kids, grandkids, and niblings of all ages. You were especially thrilled to see me, whenever I was showing up occasionally, to New Bethel Baptist Church for church services.

Surplus, beyond a doubt you were proud of the times I had helped, at our church for the community involving the children. It was much more fun learning about God and the bible when I could move around and be productive in the matter. I will also never forget when you were proud and ecstatic for the tributing poem I had written and read aloud in memorial honor to your sister Ruth Bell (My Grandma Ruth). You loved the poem so much, that you had begged me to make a copy for you to have as a keepsake. Believe me, I had great intentions on granting your request, yet alas things had begun to get busy by that time. I was a year and a half away from graduating high school, not to mention despite bidding my farewells to Grandma Ruth, moving on without her was not at all easy.

Even today, after it has been ten ½ years, without my devoted Great Nana, the pain still remains inside. It is only because of God & my faithfulness, that He helped me gain through you, Grandma Ruth & even viable Grandma Cookie (Virginia) that I am bearing with this silent suffering, as I continue to move on in life. Thus, throughout our times together, you were well-nigh as the duchess of our church, New Bethel Baptist. Linked to your late husband & living son being the pastors & reverends of our prime house of prayer. You and many others of New Bethel (family or not) inspired me to be proud of who I am, and to love myself as much as the Lord has loved me. Loved me, enough to create me and save me from my sins and temptations of the world.

Finally, I say with a heavier heart, but strong serenity, not goodbye, but catch you later Aunt Dinah. In conclusion, how I thank the Lord for allowing you to be with us on the face of the earth for 100 yrs. What’s more, how my heart soars with happiness knowing that you are no longer suffering, you were blessed to take your final breath in peace, and you are finally reunited with your sister, plus many others you were most likely mourning, too.

See you soon, Aunt Dinah. Good-byes are not forever.
Sincerely,
Your great niece, Simone.

Dear Buddha,

I love you, and I miss you.

You were the face of the family, the heart and soul of our home. I like to think I said all I could to you in life, but continue to do so in my prayers. Even if you couldn’t understand my words, I know you understood my love.

Everyone who met you was infatuated with you. Not a dog on the planet looked much like you, my favorite ewok. You were one of a kind, a freak of nature, and that’s why you were the perfect fit to join our household.

You taught my siblings and I responsibility and galvanized our dysfunctional house around you. I regret every complaint I ever made in regard to caring for you. I would take you on an endless walk if I could see you once more. I’d let you sniff every blade of grass, and piss on every feature in sight. I would take you to the woods and the beach and pick every tick out of your shaggy coat. I’d let you lick my arms until the hairs burned off from friction. I would never take a single moment for granted.

I’ll forever miss you being the first to greet me at the door, along with your sister. You always made coming home exciting, and few things made me feel more appreciated than waking up to you at the bottom of the stairs. Your fuzzy head was the first thing I’d touch every morning (if you were awake before Mila).

Bones and tennis balls were one thing for you, but those plastic bottles never stood a chance against your wrath. I thank God that I took so many pictures and videos of you, and yet it aches me now to see them pop up daily.

Buddha was a perfect name or you, chosen by those who introduced us to you. Every day before school I’d rub the belly of our little (actual) Buddha statue before rubbing yours. I made sure it was the last thing I did before I left, and would gladly miss the bus to make sure it happened.

Luckily, once I moved away, I spent every visit home as if it could be the last time I saw you. That is the only thing that staves off any sense of unredeemable regret. And yet, there was no preparing for this.
My heart is shattered. I’ve never had to grieve this much, and I’m thankful for that, but the tears fall in gallons when I think about you. I was crying on my walks, crying in the car, just trying to accept it. In time I hope to compose myself better.

Your passing has filled me with an intense ambition to live up to your memory, to live in honor of that which you provided for this family and beyond. It feels like the only response to your absence (and to those who passed before you). If a creature as beautiful and full of love as you could live and die in such a short time, and so selflessly, I could be doing a lot better with my years on this Earth. Until that ends, and we are reunited once more, I will refuse to be anything close to the loser I feel like I have been thus far. I’m sorry for any meaningful experiences we failed to give you.

I wanted to write a poem about you, and still may, but a letter feels more comprehensive in the first weeks since you left. I’m already working on a song. I have to get this out somewhere and fast. Soon I will dedicate a tattoo to you, as well, on the day of our brother’s engagement party.

Thank you for everything, Buddha. Thank you for your life. Thank you for brightening mine, and those of all who were blessed to meet you. I will think of you always. We’ll continue to chase Mila around for you.

Love, your (favorite) brother. Ha.

My Heart
By. A.E. Colin

December embers burn
My heart yearns
You are everywhere I see
Everywhere but with me
I lay in bed
With these thoughts in my head
The memories of you and me
They are all I have and all I can see
Drowning in my sorrow
Craving for a new tomorrow
A piece of me left with you
I do not know what to do
I press on
With your voice as my song
I gain my strength trying to make it through
Because I want to do it for you
My angel in the sky
Fly high