A closet full of skeletons

I’ve got them by the hanger

Do you wish to see my morgue?

Come close 

The stench will drive you away

My mind’s dark crevices whisper incessantly 

“Unlovable” they hiss

Insistent I stay silent to abuse because 

I deserve it

I’m sitting in a red sofa chair

My therapist eyes directed at mine; concerned

“People don’t stay” I say

She responds, “Why do you believe that?”

“Because no one ever has”

The skeletons live in my head 

My brain tries on a new one each day

A different tactic to keep me trapped within myself

Are you sure you want to see?

This dark space in my mind is even locked from me

To my younger self:

Yes, I want to see

I want to know every part

Hug each one bone by bone

And love you

Take off the hood from the grim reaper you call your past

And you’ll find a little girl that has only ever wanted to be loved.

Don’t be scared 

make eye contact

Do you see her?

You are the same

I want to embrace your pain

And tell you its beautiful 

Because you are loved

By me

Your bumps and bruises

Are not things to be ashamed of

You are a mosaic full of stories

People are too scared to even think to be a part of 

You have done more than survive

The little light in you has thrived

In the darkness, when no one knew

You graduated

You found a job

You found a home

Imperfection has blossomed you 

Into something beautifully impermanent

A never ending sculpture

That you get to mold

Your mind is your own

And yes you will make mistakes

Blotches in your canvas will appear

And make your life that much more clear

That blotch of paint

The drop you accidentally let leave your brush

Turned into a scenery 

One beyond your wildest dreams

A map that is guiding you

To becoming your best self

I know life is full of unknowns

Change

Moments of loneliness

Pain

But there is also

Joy

Love

Goodness

Kindness

Don’t be afraid

For these are the stepping stones 

That bring you home

To yourself

And I’ll be with you every step of the way

Dear little me,

I wish I could say that life is everything you dreamed it would be. But the truth is neither your parents nor the education system prepared you for a single real life thing. I’ve only just begun to process it all. It seems much heavier now. I have to admit I am very proud of who you are at your core. I don’t know where it came from but our foundation is strong and for this I am thankful. It’s you who got me this far, and you who will continue to touch many lives.I’d also like to say that I’m sorry. You endured so many things, sometimes willingly, because of the way you were conditioned to “be” and you did not deserve it. I will free you of these things one day but I know you would have remained a strong and solid person regardless. This way is healthier and your children won’t repeat the same cycles.

You know a different kind of love now, being a mother of two. I know you never imagined this but honestly not even your hours spent daydreaming could create something so beautiful. Your first is your best friend, he’s like you in many ways. Wise beyond his years, resilient, and creative. Your second, she’s what you wish you could have been; firm, bubbly and such a diva. Everything you hated about yourself- they also possess. You learned to love yourself and healed yourself through them and that was only the beginning. Your heart and mind have expanded since becoming a mom. You learned many things about your parents and grew to understand them and their flaws, you learned to give them grace and forgive them. All of this was done with no guidance other than your ability to dissect thoughts and emotions, your desire to understand everything and brutal honesty with yourself. And you used to feel like you couldn’t make anyone proud? You’re a work of art, naturally. I would not have come this far if you had been a different person.

I want you to know that even though life has not been easy, and you spent many nights just wishing you could catch a break or wake up somewhere else- life has been worth it. You leave such an impact on everyone you meet, you light up rooms, you breathe life into others simply by  being you. Your existence is a gift on its own. Your belief in yourself is all you need and I’m sorry that I didn’t realize it sooner. Anyone would be lucky to have you in their corner, and even though there were times you wished you didn’t give so much of yourself- I promise you it was never in vain.

You’ve been an inspiration to many. Mr. Bean would be proud. He once told you that you were his hero and at the time I didn’t grasp the weight of those words but as I’m writing this for you today I finally understand it. You’re my hero too. Maybe all I needed was to let my brain put together what my heart already knew. Thank you for sticking around long enough for me to figure all of this out. Life is nothing like you thought it would be, the real world is a mess even for those with guidance and planners and strict schedules. But you are everything that I needed to make it this far. I promise to always honor who you are at your core no matter what circumstance life throws at me, and to allow myself some time every now and then to lose myself in the little things that make you happy.

A letter to younger Jim,

Ahh yes…writing to myself as a youngster.  So many good times, but yet, the main thing I want to do is grab you and shake you and say “cmon man! get in the game!” lol. More on that in a bit. But moving on. I remember you being pretty shy in your high school days. Not always. But painfully shy in some instances. On the basketball court or on the baseball field, you were as much in your element as you could have been. Outside of that, not so much. You weren’t crazy about getting called in in class, and I wish you didn’t worry so much about giving speeches that you almost made yourself sick thinking about. And if a girl liked you, that was a GOOD thing. Not something to avoid, young Jim. I remember you purposely avoiding girls that liked you in junior high, or even friends of this person. Because you didn’t want to deal with them asking “did you talk to Michelle?”. I remember you hoping that the teacher wouldn’t call on you in some classes. But in others, you were vocal. Why not all the classes young Jim? Well, now young Jim, at my  job, I actively seek to give my opinion on things during meetings. I have the confidence to state my case on things, even to people higher up on the chain than you. And guess what? I’m usually right. And guess what again? YOU probably were right and informed back then, younger Jim.  I often say “if i could relive my high school days knowing then what I know now, it could have been more fun”. Thats true too. Don’t get me wrong- I enjoyed what we did in high school. We had fun. But young Jim, coulda been so much more fun  Not just talking with girls, but classes would have gone better, been more fun.  I guess we just weren’t quite ready to take on the world quite yet back than, huh?

Things have improved through the years. Your confidence has picked up. You’ve taken a “what the hell” approach to things at times. The unknown has become less of a fear for you. Same w change. You have adapted to change more lately. You’ve tried new things. New experiences. You have come to the belief that you are as good as anyone. That you don’t need to defer to anyone. At times, you are realizing the silliness of being so shy back in the day. But also, because you are so much older and wiser now (wink,wink), you also realize that maybe if you were brimming with confidence, that maybe cautious and unassuming young Jim might have been replaced by cocky and confident Jim..and maybe some bad decisions may have been made, and maybe some trouble would have been gotten into. So all in all, no regrets. No point in wishing away things about days that have already transpired, right? I think we have come a long way and made a lot of improvements. We are still working on that eye contact thing. But hey- step by step right? I promise you young Jim, older Jim is gonna keep growing. We’ve done good

To the mommy’s girl in her twenties,

I’ve been writing now for about two years because of everything I have experienced. I don’t think we ever felt the whole dear diary thing. I think writing these letters is a concept worth trying. After all those years of struggling with prompt writing around 2016 it no longer existed. Hopefully this letter will make it a little bit easier to navigate through your twenties and obtain that degree.

Identify your toxic traits, we don’t have a lot queen trust me. You have to be consistent with being better versions of us in order to help others do the same. That toxic behavior will not pour out into your thirties. Let’s start off with my favorite Mom. If anybody knows mom like me it’s you. Yes it’s safe to say mom’s love was a bit smothering. Not all the time, but I am proof that no matter what we go through emotionally I will never regret putting mom first. I was with mom until the very end it definitely brought pain with peace. This healing journey I began in 2017 has really helped me thrive in our thirties. Mom will forever be our greatest teacher of life she also liked to write. Ask her for help in writing her stories I forgot so many and of course I’m missing those. There will be bad days but don’t ever leave moms side no matter how hard it gets. I highly suggest taking more breaks it is more important than you think. Especially for our mental health, please take the time for yourself! Not on anyone else, alone time with you. Not on those late night drives either. By 22 you already understand deep down how those types operate so try not to attach too many feelings. I tell you this, the love that you need will find you it will find us even when it seems like you failed. I will say this we didn’t even have to waste all that gas queen! Speak up more and keep asking for help with mom as well. I cannot exactly get into details of what’s to come but you and that bullfrog will be caring for mom in her last years of life. Very few regrets, on my bad days the list might be a little longer.  Yes I’m sorry but we have those days. Days where we feel defeated and let depressive thoughts fill our days, weeks sometimes the whole month. The amount of time I spent on certain things like depressive thoughts and certain people could have been poured back into us somehow. But knowing what I know now I’m trying to spare us a little bit of heartbreak that I’m still struggling to heal in our thirties. We try not to be reckless over here, meaning we react less. Leave people where they want to be left and really focus on what it means to love unconditionally. A losing season will come and the hurt will be unbearable you do become vulnerable a short period of time. But again, it’s all part of our story. It will not make sense right way but believe you me I can bet you a bottle of Hennessy it does. It will be okay, you stay blessed in so many ways and most importantly we overcome so much because of our faith. Stay committed to the church. I admit not making it a priority in my twenties has made me delayed with being closer to my church family. The love is always there, on time and most importantly it’s unconditional. I’ve learned the power of prayer which helps me stress less and pray about literally everything. Always be grateful for good and the bad. Our values may not be for everybody and that’s okay. I have yet to find a soul that’s as deep and genuine as ours. Caring too much will be a distraction and will consume your time in trying to save people. You can love and support people from afar, remind them you’re still rooting for them. Prayers are the best form of love you can give. Go to church queen learn the Bible just listen already! Utilize the world wide web. You can be anything you put your mind to be. Go to school focus on your career, your education that’s something I’m definitely missing that in my thirties. I will be a college graduate in our thirties I owe this to us. That degree(s) will take us places I know it will. The feeling of going back to school does not compare to previous first days of school.  Do you remember being in elementary school and those writing prompts would always make us want to cry? We thought something was wrong with us because we couldn’t tap into our creative side? If the elementary version  of us could see me know she wouldn’t believe that I was a future version of us. I enjoy writing so much now and I know you would enjoy it too. You can start by writing me a little more if you have the time. I’m not a fortune teller but I would love to make the time to respond and be as helpful as I can be. Remember we’re not changing the future. Because I truly believe we were meant to go through everything we have gone through so far. May you stay grounded and positive take that walk you have been itching to take. You know the one that park with the lake. Remember stress less and pray about everything. May you be blessed always in all ways. Hope to hear from you

It is all okay
No matter what you or anybody says, no matter what happens
No matter if you belong to that group or that club or have that job
Or stay married to that man or woman even
It is all okay

Consider the lilies in the field, they neither toil nor slumber and God takes care of them

And tomorrow will take care of itself, just take care of today

For all your life, each day will be starting over
Each day will be a new opportunity to be alive and to be happy and joyful
That is your contribution
That is what the world needs
That is what you will always need

Do your meditation
Go meet Thich Nhat Hanh  (pronounced tick not hon)
Do your exercise
Go find teachers and trainers
Ask questions
Don’t know the answers
Keep asking

Warning against getting your feelings hurt and feeling useless and depressed
That is why the meditation and prayer, and Bible and exercise is so important

You were gifted with incredible parents
Use that gift every day
Be aware of it
Not everybody had that gift
It is yours and cannot be taken away

And you can give from that deep reservoir

Sense of humor
The Tattooed lady Song
The lasagna and and garlic baguette
How to hammer a nail and grow a rose bush
How to be a moderate drinker
How to weigh the same thing all your life
Water skiing
And snow skiing
Cooking and entertaining

Tracking things
Having goals and projects and lists
Part 2
Your younger self could be in a war, or hurricane or flood,
Even then, these lessons of being present apply
Even when your brother dies at 20 in a car accident and your father said a prayer of thanksgiving
And your grandson doesn’t want to go on
And your sweetheart just criticizes and ultimately leaves and your brother teases
And you gain so much weight
Still haven’t learned Spanish
And your attic or basement or garage may be full
Just stand up and be and contribute your best loving self for the war and turn your other cheek to
your sweetheart and brother
They love you
They are where they are
You have infinite wisdom that life is a joy and we are forever learning
Tell your children and grandchildren and friends how proud you are of them and that you love
them. In law children too

And expect nothing in return, no credit, even being ignored is fine
Be a space for healing and wonder and nobody knows what hit them but they are all good or as
the grans say
All good bro
Have a meditation and writing practice
And follow the one day at a time rule
And keep it simple and easy
It is amazing to be a human being
And there are so many versions to observe, learn from and write about
Everybody is your teacher, especially the ones who are hard for you
So no shortage there

. 

Much love-