Well in the last few years I have learned to Never give up, it all started when my father passed away and then within a few months a tree that I grew up with was in danger of being cut down and THANK YOU JESUS, the tree is STILL STANDING, I have watched this year as my mom has been diagnosed with Acute Leukemia.She is beating it , QUITTING isn’t a Option NEVER GIVE UP

Awoken by the phone,
Heart races, stomach turns.
Speeding home through salty tears.

Flashing red lights, sirens.
Plain white walls, nurses, doctors.
“I’m sorry. We did everything we could.”
“Know that he didn’t suffer.”

You can’t be gone.
There must be a mistake.
How could you leave me?
Who will walk me down the aisle?
Does everything really happen for a reason?
Will I understand someday?

Tears stream for days.
Days into weeks, weeks into months.
People show their true colors.
“It’s been months, why are you still crying?”
I pack my bags; I’m all alone.
The colorless world gets darker.
I retreat to my cocoon.

In the darkness, a moment of clarity:
I am existing.
I am surviving.
I am not living.

You exist in memory; I exist in flesh.
You are gone; I am here.
You are not alive; I NEED to live.

I was a caterpillar.
Predators feasted on me.
I survived. I formed a cocoon.
If you hadn’t left,
I never could have transformed.

Now I emerge with beautiful wings.
Now I understand.
Now I can soar.

“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
Things just stay the same
“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
New players same old game
If things don’t get better
Then things won’t grow
Trust me when I tell you this
For this is a lesson I know
New beginnings
Scary starts
The fear of not knowing
The breaking of hearts
“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
New day same old me
“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
The person I could grow to be
If I could let go
If I could give in
I’d be beaming with pride
Not dripping with sin
“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
The power we have to see
That giving in
That starting over
The ability to forsee
“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
You are getting in your way
“Nothing changes if nothing changes”
Alas, a brand new day
Embrace it
Welcome it
My hope is you will see
That “Nothing changes if nothing changes”
You hold the key to being free

Turning back the clock. To where I was never the same. I found myself alone in the woods. Locked in battle with my mind. Where the voices drove me onward till at last lost. Lost to a fake reality. Subjected to cruelty of their words. All out of my sanity. Then forced to be locked away. Without knowing why. Thinking loved ones forsaken me. That heaven was going to reject me. The devil was on the prowl. Yes!!! Forever changed by that nightmare. To be withdrawn into myself. But also more humble and kind. Never ill wishing towards anyone. To stop and listen. To think before I speak. Never judge anyone’s circumstances. To find a quiet resilience. A strength I never knew I had. Learning that the mind can be a dangerous place. But with the right help can change anything around.

The hardest lessons I’ve learned
The hardest lessons to learn in general,
Are the ones I feel ive truely earned,
As I still bear the scars from how my heart burned.

The only turning point i know
From the crying in cemeteries alone to the empty dial tone on the other side of the phone
Some people use people
And its something I was repetitively shown,
But the hardest lesson to get to know
Are the ones you will be repetitively given
History repeating itself, you’ll be made to relive it .

They treated you like your humanity was a resource
Not a person , less than a human being
Until you were drained and crying in pain
Feeling the shame for life’s disdain.
I’m sorry you chose the wrong people.
I’m sorry they played with your feelings
As if your mind and emotions were a game of solitaire but they chose to cut in.
Im sorry you Learned that even if they say they are,
Not everyone is your friend
And they were holding the knife again

But You did it again
And again,
And again,
Feeling like a Foolish girl
Who thought she had a place in the world, to make amends.
Filled with happiness laughter and friends
Only to find out she wasn’t worth it in the end.
I’m sorry youre the only one saying sorry again.

We are living on borrowed time
Temporary here to stay
Don’t waste every dime
And never go out of your way

Let life take you to a magical place
In every step that you take
Laughter and joy on every face
With every breath you make

Life will come and go
Faster than you can see
Allow it to to truly flow
And never give up on thee

Sometimes you won’t understand
The battles you will endure
Your end of life is the promise land
So embrace it and make it pure

Be the voice we need to hear
And do your best on earth
Gods love is always near
As it’s sent from up above.

Life is a beautiful race.
Embrace it and take your place.

Pick yourself up like a buttercup.
God chose you to show your stuff.

Live life as if there’s no tomorrow.
He will always remove the sorrow.

Never look back and let it go
Remove your past and let life flow

Beauty always comes from within
Never worry about the end

Keep moving forward and never look back
Sometimes life is supposed to crack

Change is a beautiful journey in life
Continue at it and make your strife

What lies ahead is the finish line
Get out the there and make yourself shine.

Thinking back, it feels so surreal
Almost like that time in my life wasn’t real…
A young hurting heart, full of anger and hate
Yet also consumed by this hollow emptiness
A hardened stone beating in my chest
Living in a constant state of unrest
Man… I really was a mess…
A suicidal teen ready to accept my fate
Chasing after anything to escape the feeling
Only for it to fester, internally reeling
Washing down pills with liquor
Til my head would hit the floor, and I’d watch the lights flicker…
Using cocaine to ease the pain
Opiates to go numb
And ecstasy to free myself from the mass of misery I’d become
What started as a release and a way to “let loose”
Became my form of self abuse
As scars on the skin are hard to hide…
Tho for a time I tried….
Suicide was something I didn’t just think about, but began to idolize
Cursing God that I’d ever been born
I’d look in the mirror at the thing I despised;
The kind and gentle kid, who’s heart had been tattered and torn
The misfit who just wanted to belong
Downtrodden by this worlds scorn
Til he believed everything about his existence was wrong
I saw myself as less than nothing
Not even a person, only a husk of a man
Wanting to just fade from memory
To set myself free
I started formulating plans
To finally end the suffering
In a moment of desperation
I made a proclamation
To the very God that I cursed
Putting down the knife
Telling Him I’d give Him one opportunity to do whatever He wanted to do with my life…
My wounds He started to nurse
His Spirit touched the depths of my soul
And for the first time, I was whole
The healing process was fast but slow
As I had to face my hurt, and learn what it is to forgive and let go
I learned that this heart I was belittled for
Is something Christ truly adores
The drugs lost their appeal
As they couldn’t compare to the wholeness His presence made me feel
There was nothing of myself that earned His love and acceptance
But only by accepting the covering of Christ’s blood and receiving His mercy
Was I truly set free
And that night was my turning point, my first act of repentance

Dear Unsealed,
My faith keeps me sane.
There are many twists & turns in my life.
I will be 75 on September 18, 2024.
As one that goes before
Gen Z and other decades I have many stories to tell
As deep as an old wishing well.
I worked at The LA Times,
All day every day.
I met my kid’s dad,
Which turned out to be very sad.
He did not work there.
His twin did.
I met Jekyll & Hyde, I did
But blew it off,
Threw salt over my shoulder for a start.
Neither were in journalism or writing or art.
They were both security guards.
Oh lordy!
As an empath I dated a narcissistic guard
Who pretended to care,
Wined & dined me.
So, it would be
I was so naïve.
Well, that would be I had two C-Sections.
Both were ten pound babies,
One was born 1983,
The other was born 1987,
The year before my mom went to heaven.
This was a marriage of two boomers in the 80s.
The father was from south LA.
The mom is from North Hollywood,
Of her own hood.
I am of worldly DNA.
He is a Black Republican narcissist.
He is a gun loving nut.
He is a woman hater.
So, when I found out he lied to me profusely everyday
Along the way of the everyday
Way, we trod to different roads and ways,
Of how I was so naïve.
I was into college and looking forward of being a reporter soon.
But he manipulated me as a man into marrying him.
He wined & dined my parents under the moon
In REDONDO BEACH pier,
Only to smear
My mom’s name after she died of a massive heart attack 1988.
When he told me he hated my mom & glad she was dead
I cried for days.
My heart was broken that day
I found out he was cheating on me,
It had to be,
More lies!
I traveled to Palm Springs with my boyfriend. I left the boys at their dad’s mom’s house. Upon arriving back to my Burbank apartment, I found out my ex, the kids dad and his twin had locked me out because I vacationed in Palm Springs. I cried for hours.
My plan was to pick the boys up from their grandma’s house. When I called my ex, I was banned from seeing them. He told me I was a bad mom. He spent over 30 grand on a divorce attorney. I spent 600 bucks on my Montgomery Ward attorney. It was a horrific divorce. I loved my boys very much, but the courts took my kids and placed them with their narcissistic dad.
The turning point was when I chose to go on a vacation with my movie boyfriend to celebrate my birthday in the year of 1989.
My ex is still trying to turn my boys and now my grands against me because I am a liberal boho hippie chick who still is an empath, a liberal, equality for all, for gun control and education for all.
I accept the fact that he is holding my personality and belief systems against me. He once told me during the divorce that he had to blame me for everything because he was perfect and wanted to keep his job.
I began with a poem and a prose as I have my entire life but the seriousness of the 1980s events changed my life more than anyone will ever know.
I continued to work in the music and film industry moving forward. I was a union rep for the IATSE at Universal Studios Hollywood, worked freelance for three newspapers, and continued my educational pursuits until I was 51 years old.
However, when I told my grown boys the truth, they were angry with me, calling me a liar. It did not end well. Now my ex, my two boys want to shut me down politically and as a human being. This is probably because I tell the truth, and you do not push a narcissist into the wall because they sting like a honeybee and dig into the person spreading their venom across states and other humans. I have been in therapy for many years. I am much better now. The turning point from being a good mother to becoming a bad human as my ex called me in 1989 was shocking and like a horror film.
I watched a movie from the 80s called, “The Good Mother”, a 1988 movie about a divorced mom with a daughter who meets an artist, and her ex gets custody of the child. The movie is available on Prime Video.
I pray every day for peace, love, & understanding. I will continue my humanitarian activist ways!

“You’re the song my soul sings in silence every time the world gets too hard to handle.” Tales of Ipsita

my soul sings in silence
By: Jim Kellogg
(The Queer Poet)
7-4-24

my soul sings in silence
it may be heard in the hush –
my lullaby –
on the breath of the wind
it intones joy and gratefulness
like a hummingbird in flight
quick, vibrant bursts of happiness
as a tower of bliss
standing lofty and strong
i find happiness in small beginnings
i find gratitude and purpose in minute moments
my soul sings in silence

like waves
By: Jim Kellogg
(The Queer Poet)
7-30-24

like waves
eating away at the shore
acrid and biting remarks
ate away at my soul

their mentions
caused tremendous erosion
of my essence
leaving me little choice but to shy away

what was less obvious
to the outsiders
was the intense and malicious crushing
of my poetic queer voice –

the part of myself
that distinguishes me from others
sets me apart
makes me unique –

how dare they
presumptuous, brazen, and rude
leave me
shocked and full of disdain and anger

despite their attempts
to silence me
i celebrate my voice
limitless and breathtaking

Dear Unsealed,
My mottos are from my favorite lady Maya Angelou
“IF you’re always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be”
“You nay not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them”
La vita è bella
I want to share
To the world
The big ball of Earth
Spinning in the sky
My looking forward poem that so relates to my favorite lady poet, Maya Angelou as it similar to my motto of moving forward through the storms.
I found this poem I wrote in 1967 or 1968. I suppose I was beyond my years at that time of my life’s journey. I found out one must ‘carry on’ through the storms that our universe sends us or that we casually ‘bump’ into along the roads we choose throughout our lifetime.
Despite the nays and the ‘you can’t do that’ or ‘you are not college material’ suggestions from a friend of yesteryear. I was already in college, so I tossed her suggestion away into yesterday’s trash bin. Because she knew not how or when or where or what she was talking about.
There are different roads to choose as we reach each decade of our life’s journey in time. I chose the road of different avenues and boulevards along the straight path cause’ I was curious. I don’t regret studying nursing and healthcare. I don’t regret studying union management. I don’t regret studying journalism, art, and film. Now I have so many stories to tell. I have so many songs to write. The avenues and boulevards I strolled down off the beaten straight path taught me lessons to remember in my next lifetime of creation and light.
So, I will share my poem from my back pages of 57 years ago in another time period before computers, cell phones, and AI. Each decade presented a new chapter in my life of fun, work and strife. I don’t look back and say how bad I was for different relationships or different guys in my life each decade. We all meet people along the way. Some people will stay. Some people will go. That’s life in a ‘nutshell’ with detours; the good, the bad, the ugly and the absolutely beautiful scenarios that happened that make me laugh, cry and ‘jump for joy’ in time and space of our universe to live, love and spread light.
“LOOK FORWARD”
Written by Vicki Lawana Trusselli 1967
It’s been a long life,
Had a whole lot of learning.
Had a good time,
But there’s still that yearning.

There’s been bad times
When the way looked dim
I prayed and hoped for better.
Yes, I prayed to her or him. (“God is omnipotent of all genders.”)

Tears have come and gone.
Heartaches I’ve had great,
But each new tomorrow
Opens a new gate.

This gate is bright and shiny.
This gate opened my heart
When I’ve gone wrong
To help me make a new start.

The dark clouds appear,
To which there seems no end
But pray and hope things will change,
That they want be like they’ve always been.

Look forward with a smile
When the end seems near
Don’t give up hope
Just dry that tear,

For your life will change
When you hope and pray
And try and try more each day,
Just over the rainbow there’s a brand-new day.
La vita è bella

Your first attempt
Shot down.
He implied
Success not possible.
Your life-sustaining health constraints
The weak point.
Alternative for you suggested.
Disregarded.
Dream denied.
Your tenacity at play,
Second chance requested.
Humanitarian assigned,
Acceptance granted.
Ultimate goal
Shining.
Despite tough and demanding roads,
Obstacles of academia,
Dates with the machine three times a week,
Your grit and perseverance
Enhanced the drive
Uphill to victory.
The glory of adversity deflected.
Strength of the heart
Reigned supreme.

Since I was young,
I dreamed and dreamed of a day,
Where I’d find adventure,
And it would lead me away.
An experience to take me out of my comfort zone,
I dreamt of adventuring with someone,
Not just on my own.
I made up stories to write about,
I fantasized, romanticized, until my dream of adventure appeared in a time of doubt.
Falling at my fingertips,
There it was.
In the form of another,
Through a screen,
Unexpectedly, I met my dream.
On life’s journey, at the same pace as me,
We happened upon each other,
While in separate countries.
I asked the world; what does this mean?
And it replied that the answer lies in the depth of life’s mysteries.
To know true meaning,
One must immerse themselves in the unknown.
And with that, I leaned in further and further until my heart whispered, ” Let’s go!”
Because dreams and adventure are about diving in, letting go, and figuring it out,
So I dove,
I let go, submerged myself in the murky water below.
I got lost,
And fell in love;
And so began the greatest adventure I’d ever known.
We went exploring,
Saw alligators and Grizzlies,
We hiked the Appalachians and wandered the magnificent Rockies.
We visited new cities and tried delicious food,
We decided on forever and in font of a mountainous backdrop exchanged “I do’s.”
As in many adventures sometimes you lose your way,
He took a wrong turn in the dark,
And I ended up caught in the rain.
Trudging through the mud that wanted to bring me down,
I heard the wind whisper to me that at times we have to be lost in order to be found.
To walk the woods o the unknown,
To weather the rain, the wind, the snow.
To learn that with love there comes pain,
And life’s challenges bring experience to gain.
This is what gives ‘living’ life,
Finding myself in the depths of the mud realizing I had never felt more alive.
I knew now what the wind meant and what I was made to go through.
I was meant to find myself alone and afraid, so once beyond the rain,
I could look at myself and say,
“You are strong, you are brave”
And know it to be true.
Beyond the darkness and the storm,
I viewed my dream in a new form.
I was no longer scared of going the adventure on my own,
And it was when I was afraid that I’d really grown.
I kept walking the path,
Not knowing if our shared adventure would last, hoping we’d find our way back.
Back to each other, changed on our own journey.
And there he was wanting to repair and continue adventuring with me.
We interlocked fingers, walking hand in hand,
We spoke of the hurt and sought to understand.
And thus I had my dream come true,
And the dream hasn’t stopped.
I dreamt of adventure,
And adventure is exactly what I got.

You ever try to envision your future — and it looks pitch black ?
Ppl ask you who you wanna be or what you wanna do — when you grow up
Your single mother was livin in survival mode just like you — doing the best she can
Too busy to sit you down and ask —
“Baby, what you wanna do when you get older? — We gotta start to plan”

Before she knew it — your life began
You’re 17 and graduating and the years flashed right before — her eyes

Now her little girl is pregnant & must grow up and time just passed her by

But don’t get sad on me now — momma — just hold on — hang tight

This is just the beginning — This is not the end

Lucky for her — she was never alone, God had her back… & he became my best friend

You see — For many of you in my same situation
I too grew up w/out an earthly father — to help raise me
but as it turns out — I never really needed him — anyway

My heavenly father picked up his slack . . . Im just another witness & reminder of that —

He placed the right ppl in my life
to help guide me down a — virtuous path

I just had to shift my perspective & be open — to accepting his plan

Gods timing is perfect, he’s never late —
he was just waiting for me to take hold of his hand — on the other end

I had to keep my focus on someone that was beyond me & my current situation
Had to let go of any self pity and all excuses I had created
I could say lucky for me — but most my life — it felt far from it

Regardless — It was never luck or chance
Just a shift in perspective & a blessing in disguise
We all have those — everyday — we just gotta be willing — to open up our eyes
So pls — don’t let yourself be minimized

By yourself — or your surroundings
or anything else — you may be lacking
He makes something out of nothing —
time and time — again
Live life — like it’s already yours — and in due time — it will come — you will win

My first step in achieving my goals came from finding my greatest weaknesses —
Had to figure out how to turn my weakness into power — so I laid them — right beneath him

But first — let’s take it back to beginning— before I started winning

It was my big bro & my middle school sweetheart
That’s who did it —

My big bro held a lot of anger inside — while tryna figure out who he was — and what he believed in

As for my baby — He was born into a different lifestyle than mine — and I wanted nothing more than to — save him
I didn’t want to lose him — in more ways than simply just — our relationship

I had To try to prove to myself and to them
why the man up above
was the one to believe in

I’d not been able to overcome and succeed in all that I have — if it wasn’t for God — & his strength in our weakness

I wanted to show them a love — so pure
but first — I had to start — by believing

I wanted to show them his love but I knew — it would take lots of time — and patience — for them to see it

I Had to do it in a positive way
not too pushy— or rushed — or forcefully done
Cus the God I knew, taught me — early on — that’s not what real love was

Unfortunately — my current circumstance didn’t yet reflect the God — that I knew & loved
I was only 15 yrs old & hadn’t lived long enough
I didn’t have anything to prove or show for it — just yet
So I had to put my words into action even tho it was hard
I always suffered from anxiety and lacked concentration and because of it — I struggled bad
I was made out — to always feel dumb
but — I was far from that
The worlds a cruel place to live in — and at times
I believed what theyd sung
But Gods words over me and my life were different
and they’ll also speak life unto yours
So I had to live by the words that I preached
so I too could believe the words — that he spoke
it’s been almost 15 yrs since than and I’ve accomplished a lot in my life that I sought out to do
I’m still so far from done but I’m doing what I can —Lord — to make sure — it all points back to you
So here are some of my goals he helped me achieve — (he helped me come true)

I knew nothing about kids and babies
Not a clue how some day i would become a mommy
So I went to school for childcare
and became someone I’d never known
I became a infant toddler teacher and got to hold lots of babies and watch them grow
I was able to raise my baby boy — good
even tho a few yrs back I would have never thought or knew …
Remember when I sd i used to see pitch black
—Well things changed real fast when
God said to me — nahhh bby girl — wait —till you see —what I’ve got in store — for you

next up— I decided to get certified to become a foster parent
but that’s something I still have to do

I decided I wasn’t done just yet tho
so I went back to school to became a nail tech
Too
& still I thought that wasn’t enough so , I said,
how bout a barber too

Life’s been a whole lotta up down rollercoaster wild ride adventures — this is true
But pls don’t get discouraged by my accolades thus far
cause they come and go the same way we do
They will all fade into dust someday but one thing will remain to be true
My biggest goal that i accomplished & the one that matters the most
is — that even — if no one else will believe—
I proved to myself — God is true

It started with your love of movies and books,
You will read at lunch ignoring the looks,
Mesmerized by the punch line , climax ad hooks,
Diction, characters, performances that shook.

You struggled a bit with word composition,
Was it your honest young views or rough diction,
But when your mind meshed with your creative fiction,
It may take you as far as jurisdiction.

Today your composition is better than all,
You now stand and write books while I stand and walk tall,
Sorry for the long buildup, no more talk,
A youth with books under his name is no ball.