To the silent members of LGBTQ plus community,
At 14 years old, Clawdeena9 was what I called my YouTube channel as opposed to what I called myself. During that time, I was someone who felt angry and unheard. So, I grabbed a bottle of pills and took a handful. When I realized I regretted taking the pills, I told my sister and I was rushed to the hospital. I didn’t attempt suicide because I wanted to die. I attempted suicide because I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted someone to hear me even though, like you, I was living in silence.
Starting in fifth grade, I tried to be someone, anyone, other than myself.
Fifth grade was the year I wore a purple shirt to school and some of the other kids made fun of me, calling me gay. Both of my parents are ordained ministers. Being gay, queer or transgender was a big no.
I thought to myself, “I can’t be that. That can’t be me.”
I did everything to try and make sure it wasn’t me.
When my classmates started saying my voice was feminine, I went on YouTube and looked up videos on how to deepen my voice and disguise my femininity. Talking a lot less and isolating myself became strategies to blend in with the other boys in school.
Also, I would study the guys around me, attempting to mimic their body language. I would copy how my male classmates would sit, slouching and putting my arm on my thigh just to appear more masculine.
Trying to be someone I wasn’t caused me to develop such bad anxiety, I couldn’t focus on the chalkboard at school. From fifth to eighth grade, I struggled so much that I often had to be taken out of school to be homeschooled.
While I started a YouTube channel when I was 10 years old, called Clawdeena9, for a while it just felt like I was living a double life, instead of living as one whole person. The name of my channel was inspired by a doll but it wasn’t my name. People called me Matt.
I didn’t attempt suicide because I wanted to die. I attempted suicide because I wanted the pain to stop.
I made friends online and met my first boyfriend. He lived in Tennessee. While my parents didn’t know the nature of our relationship, at 13 years old I begged them to take me from Florida where we lived, to Tennessee to hang out with him. During the trip, my boyfriend and I took pictures of us kissing and holding hands. One day my mother found the pictures on my laptop and she and my sister, with my consent, told my dad that I was gay. My whole family embraced me and told me they loved me unconditionally.
Coming out to my family was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. But I still suffered from a lot of anxiety because I bottled up my feelings and didn’t feel comfortable at school.
By eighth grade, I was out. No longer was I offended by being called gay but rather I was hurt by the way my classmates treated me. Defined by my sexuality – I wasn’t a name. I wasn’t a person. I was the gay kid.
That’s when I tried to kill myself. That’s when I swallowed all of those pills. I was 14 and while my sexuality was out, my emotions remained locked inside of me. After that extremely low moment, I stopped putting on a facade and started to learn to open up.
Expressing my feelings brought my family together and I began to feel whole.
Also, on my YouTube channel, I started creating stop motions with dolls, which is a form of animation. It became my way of coping with life, as I could create stories and music videos that paralleled situations in real life.
People started calling me by my self-given drag name, Marissa, but I realized I didn’t identify as a drag queen and Marissa wasn’t how I wanted to be addressed. So I eventually decided I was and I am Clawdeena. Through Clawdeena, I have been able to embrace my femininity, exploring what I do and don’t like as far as clothes, a look and every other aspect of my being.
Stop motions eventually transitioned into makeup. For years, I loved to do makeup on other people but when I discovered I could do makeup on myself I became enamored with the art of transformation. Even to this day, I think transformation, regardless of gender and sexuality, is a very invigorating experience. With makeup, I can be a chameleon, as opposed to forcing my identity into a box someone else built. It also introduced me to a community of fellow makeup artists, transformists and doll enthusiasts.
Right now, I am not entirely sure how I identify my gender. I am more in the non-binary category, living fluidly between my femininity and my masculinity. I strongly believe that there is no black and white. We’re all human and living a very human experience. With that said, I’m proud to be queer and part of the LGBTQ plus community and I hope you are too.
However, if you are currently struggling, I want you to know that life is very hard but it does get better. Whatever challenges you face, your feelings are real and valid. Even so, it’s important that you know that life will change – not necessarily because circumstances change but you will learn to make different choices.
Now, I am 20 years old. There are days I still struggle with depression, anxiety or even suicidal thoughts. In these low moments, I choose to text a crisis center or speak to a clinician. The important part of self-love isn’t always loving yourself, but taking the appropriate action when you need help.
My past includes a lot of pain, but I don’t regret or resent any of the experiences I have gone through because it all led me to Clawdeena.
As Clawdeena, I am living my life with confidence, not because I found a way to explain my identity to others but because I now possess the courage to use different forms of self-expression to freely discover who I am within myself.
With tremendous pride,
About the author:
Clawdeena is a YouTube star. She uses makeup as a form of self-expression, as she embraces who she is and what she feels. At just 20 years old, Clawdeena is an advocate and a leader in the LGBTQ plus community.
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Crisis Text Line is free, 24/7 support for those in crisis. Text 741741 from anywhere in the US to text with a trained Crisis Counselor. Peter Stevens is donating $100 to Crisis Text Line in honor of the first 100 shares of Clawdeena’s letter.
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Thank you Lauren. Yes, we all have to start with the person in the mirror. Your reflections are received with mindfulness and appreciation. I've shared your article on my network. Stay safe and well. IyaSokoya Karade CEO/Owner Athletic Arts Academy NJ LLC Orange, New Jersey
May I encourage everyone of every color or shade, every ethnicity, and every faith (or no faith) to read the book Benjamin Watson wrote after he made such powerful and welcomed comments following the Ferguson, Missouri, killing and riots? Under Our Skin. Read the reviews, search and find the Under Our Skin Forum, it was in 2016, the video can be purchased and it is well worth the time and few dollars to watch. But read the book then give the book to a friend of another color or the same color as you! https://smile.amazon.com/Under-Our-Skin-Getting-Frustrations/dp/149641330X/ref=sr_1_1? When shopping on Smile.Amazon.Com you pay the same but Amazon contributes to your charity of choice (and ParentsUSA hopes you select it, the National Association of Parents, Inc.) David DeLugas, Executive Director, ParentsUSA
Nothing like maintaining a positive outlook! When i need to fight off despair i set goals. It is a great way to fight off negative thoughts and feeling!
Very interesting! Opinion at a later date!
Crazy that this still goes on. I fear for my safety almost all the time. Black or brown males are subject to arrest and violent behavior. I just read a article where a former New York cops claims they had to arrest more people of color to get a promotion. This is sick and I'm tired of living in fear. People are going to start fighting back.
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I think me and your grandpa would have been friends. I been a type 1 diabetic since three years old. I would have said the same thing waking up and seeing two nurses. Do I get to choose. I'm pretty sure I've done that before.
I have learned over my Fifty-Eight years of life, and more specifically over the last 10 that FDR's words about fearing only fear itself ring true; to me, they do, anyway. And, at the same time, how the words of the 23rd Psalm comfort me and my abundant faith in G-d allows me to fear only fear, knowing full well that He is always with me. Growing up in a Non-Orthodox, yet Observant Jewish family nicely brings both together and not only makes me feel more protected but commands me to believe so. You see, I have lived a different kind of life, as we all have to some degree, but mine changes daily. Not that I am ANY BETTER than anyone else, in fact, probably less so... I stray from my stories often. I shouldn't, but since my Stroke in 2012, I have somehow developed some sort of ADD, so please bear with me, the end will justify the means and I will *try* to stick with my story; for you, my readers. I moved my family of the ex-wife and four children Cross-Country in 2002 to be closer to my dad who was turning 75 that year, and while I could not afford both financially as well as mentally to move back to Southern California (where he and my mother lived), I chose the Midbar (Hebrew for Desert) of Arizona. Within just a few short weeks of moving here, I woke up one day with some of the most severe abdominal pain I had ever experienced. I found a local doctor and made an appointment to see him that day. I arrived at the appointment and was ushered into an examination room by their PA (Physician's Assistant), who is supposed to be the same as a Doctor, but not really (?). I was examined and Prescriptions for a Pain Medication and an Antibiotic. They continued to treat me in a like manner for almost six months when I ended up in an Emergency Room, where a CT Scan was performed and Colonoscopy was scheduled. I was then diagnosed with a grapefruit-sized obstruction and abscess in my colon that would require surgical intervention. Surgery was scheduled for two days later, on a Friday in Mid-March 2003. I arrived at the hospital at the designated time, 5:45 am; was admitted to the hospital; told them about ALL my allergies (including a BIG ONE, an allergy to a particular anesthetic agent), and taken to a room where I was put into one of those awful gowns and told that they'd be "right back" to take me to surgery. They promptly came back at 10:30 in the morning and took me to yet another room... to wait some more. At 11:45 the Anesthesiologist came in to talk with me. He informed me that he was going to use Propofol for my induction and that he was planning on using the EXACT ANESTHESIA TO WHICH I AM ALLERGIC to maintain me through surgery! "NOT ON ME, YOU'RE NOT", I exclaimed! "I'M ALLERGIC!!!" On my wrist sat a red band that clearly said ALLERGIES: CEVOFLURAINE. I then proceeded to give him a list of anesthetic agents that I knew to be safe. He tapped me on the knee and said: Okay, Smart guy, put yourself to sleep and quickly left the room. I awoke from the anesthesia on the following Wednesday evening. In addition to the NINE small incisions from various attempts to perform the procedure of removing 18" of my diseased colon through a scope, I also had one 6" cut in my belly that began around my navel and continued to just above my groin. I also began experiencing severe shortness of breath. The staples were ripped out of my skin by the Butcher Surgeon two weeks later, but my breathing difficulties continued. After being examined by one doctor after another, I finally decided to be examined by The Mayo Clinic. Over a ten-day to 2 week period, I was examined by multiple physicians, underwent numerous tests and procedures and was finally ready for my Report Appointment. I would learn the results of all of the tests and procedures and hopefully have a clear diagnosis and prognosis. The verdict had come in. Diagnosis: Terminal COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease Causation: Bacterial Pneumonia due to Malignant Hyperthermia caused by induction of Detrimental Anesthesia Prognosis: 5% chance of Five-Year Survival I then took my report to a highly regarded Pulmonologist for Follow-Up Care, but not before enrolling in Rabbinical School in New York City. I had, (since age ten) always wanted to be a Rabbi. It was now or never. On the advice of the Pulmonologist, I began taking Prednisone (a Steroid) that would open up my Bronchioles and make it easier to breathe. The normal dosage for a man who is 5'9" and weighs 150 pounds (before I got sick, I weighed 174 pounds, all muscle, by the way) is <100mg per day. My STARTING dose was 100mg THREE TIMES a DAY. the dosage was increased every few months for the following THREE YEARS, when, on Sunday, September 9, 2007, at the weight of 340 Pounds (the Steroids had been increased to 250mg Four Times a day), I collapsed and at Mayo Hospital, was intubated where my organs began failing. Two nights later, on the First Night of Rosh haShana, the Jewish New Year, and while being mechanically ventilated, I went into Full Blown Total System Failure, and suffered a Cardiac Arrest for 14 minutes, followed by a Coma of several weeks duration. During my Coma, I felt as if I was in a box. The box had four dirt walls and smelled like the Morning Dew. In the upper right corner of the box sat a red square with a white X inside of it. "If only I could click on that X, I might stop this program", I thought to myself, but I could not move; I could not stand; could not reach, and could not scream for help. I lay in this place crying out in fear for what seemed like days and weeks and months. Suddenly, my cries were replaced by Psalms. I was reciting Psalms, some of which I had never even read before! And the Psalms turned into Prayers; The Kol Nidre, chanted at the beginning of our Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur; every other prayer recited on this Holy of all Holy Days; the Prayers for the Sukkot Holidays that follow the next week and the Readings for every single Torah Portion of the year. I somehow knew them all. By heart. Without hesitation of memory and obviously without any text to look at. I kept reading and chanting day and night; night and day and resting in between. Really resting. Sleeping... until one day, I opened up my eyes to see my beautiful son Zac sitting at my side on my bed. Covering the holes in my throat and on the side of my neck, I managed to spit out "C'était le rêve de dix minutes le plus étrange que j'aie jamais eu"! I told my son that was the weirdest ten-minute dream that I have ever had in FRENCH, my first language and native tongue. He then told me that it had been over two months, and I was in a Hospice Facility. The night before, I had begun to breathe on my own a minute or so after being disconnected from the machines that had sustained my organs since September. A few days later I was wheeled to an ambulance outside to be transported to the truly amazing HealthSouth Rehabilitation Hospital in Scottsdale. The sun kissed my face as I felt like I was pulled up into a body of love. It spoke. In Hebrew: Don't worry, it said. "You and I are going to be okay". I spent the next six weeks learning to do things like eating and holding a pencil; how to shower and dress. I learned how to return to life. Six weeks after leaving HealthSouth, my dad died. In July 2018, my mom joined him. I have had many trials and tribulations over these last twelve years. A Stroke in 2012 took my ability to project my voice loudly; I've been hospitalized many times and know how very precious time is. I do not live for today, rather, I live for tomorrow. I do everything I can do today to help others, and pray that I am again awakened tomorrow to do more good. And if so, great! And if not; if G-d decides to take me tonight, I will hang out with my parents and loved ones forever. I win either way. President Roosevelt was right to believe in only fearing fear. Psalm 23 is even more so, as Faith follows all of us.
Funny my mom passed in 1991 as a 13 year old it was hard but she was much more then beauty. She was a fighter from the beginning and I will never be able to explain her impact. It shows you came from a strong famiy and I'm glad you had both a mom and dad because a lot of people don't. I pray your truth can make a difference
This is trying to scare us with more misinformation then actual information but thank you for giving us your reality. I like it a lot.and people just wash your hand like you should be doing anyway 😂
Great discussion, as well as some interesting numbers which I'm not sure are meant to calm us, or install even more fear. I have many of your same concerns. Just yesterday I scheduled a work trip to Miami for late next week, but am unsure if it will happen or not. And while i say or act like i'm not concerned, sub-consciously, i am quite sure it is weighing on my mind each time i cough, or sneeze, or feel "a little warm", or if someone around me does. One of the biggest fears i have is that with all of the media coverage and the additional testing becoming available, the numbers are sure to skyrocket, and this is going to really set some people off. Our country is going to go absolutely bonkers . We are all guilty of taking limited amounts of information and either talking about it like an expert, or completely overreacting. Here's hoping that the number stat to level out, and then drop. Lets hope that the American people can follow simple suggestions. Lets hope that countries from around the world can work together to come up with a viable plan to slow this train down. And last but not least, lets hope our politicians can come together to provide our country guidance as we all try to get through this. Lets hope they can forget about the presidential race for just a minute to remember what their job really is; to serve the American people. And now is their time to really step up and lead by example.
Lauren, like you I have to balance my fear and confusion. I work directly with the public and I have an immune system that is partially suppressed as a by product of treatment for Rheumatoid Arthritis. I fear for my Father the most as his body is much weaker than even mine. I visited the Cleveland Museum of Art on Sunday just to learn three people were positively diagnosed on Monday in Cuyahoga county. You aren't alone in that fear. I think that we must turn to hope to keep us in this trying time. We have to...
Terry, As a man who has lived and breathed baseball, your letter was an absolute joy for me to read. What young boy wouldn't want to be in the clubhouse with his Dad? During your time as manager I've been to quite a few games in Cleveland. None though were as special as July 12th 2014. That was the day I celebrated my 30th birthday. Though the day centered around my birthday it saw me doing something for someone else. It was the day I took my Father to the very first professional sports game in his 59 years of life at the time. It was so touching the certificate that he got from the wonderful folks at Guest Services. And although the home team lost to the White Sox that day, it will always remain one of the best days in my heart. Letters like yours only serve to renew my love for the game of baseball. Thanks for sharing it with the little boy still inside of me wanting to throw that 0-2 curveball to the best hitter in the league.
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Sweet Lauren, I agree completely with the promise that Brian asked you to make. Frankly, it is the only way that I know to love; totally, completely, wholly and unconditionally. You deserve nothing less, nor does your future love.
Wow. What a truly moving and powerful story. We often take for granted the small gifts we give each other just by being present. I'm sad for the heartache. I'm glad you stayed and became. Who knows what little girl or boy will be attributing their life's purpose to some kindness you shared. Peace and Sunshine
You’re welcome Lauren looking forward to all the future stories :)
Thank you Tony. I appreciate all your support.
Thank you Tony. I appreciate all your support.
I’m sorry to hear about Brian but he was right you are too beautiful to not receive roses Lauren:)
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Thanks for this! So what movie set did you get on?
So nice Roger <3
Pat, Your letter touched me in a very profound way. It left me in tears in the middle of my work day. It made me want to share something with you. On a July morning in 2007 a police officer answered a 911 call I had made when my Mother went into cardiac arrest. Between that officer, my best friend and the fire fighters who showed up minutes later they were able to restart her heart, however at the hospital she passed away an hour later. At the end of his shift that officer stopped by my home to check on the situation and cried when I told him the unfortunate news I received only 4 hours prior. He tried to apologize to me. I looked at the anguish in his eyes and asked him directly what for? He described the ways he felt sorry. What I want to leave you with was my reply to him. I told him he had nothing to be sorry for because he answered the call in what was the darkest moment in my life. I told him that he was a hero regardless because it takes a special person to answer calls like that. You are a hero to people Pat. No one can ever take that away from you. I understand the process you're going through as I've been there myself and like you I still struggle with it when no one is looking. You aren't alone in this. I hope your healing process continues on and you can regain the happiness in this beautiful life. You'll always be a hero to those people, because you were there when the call came Best wishes Roger Chamberlain
Ruth, your letter moved me to tears. Once upon a time I was very closed off about the LGBT community but over a course of several years, I turned my fear into understanding and I actively stand with the community for their equal rights because it is the right thing to do.