Dear Body,

I’ve been told by therapy,
To write to my personality.
After all, “you’re just a shell,”
A shell for my inner hell
but they never spoke of that fact,
So, instead I’m writing to my outer contact

Dear Body,
This is really more of an apology.
Dear Body,
I know it was wrong to fill your head with lies;
When I told you to be smaller
That it didn’t matter if you died.
I’m sorry I decorated you with scars and blood and pain,
Instead of earrings, make-up and gold stain.
I’m sorry for throwing you at walls
Hoping it would make your heart stall
I’m sorry for locking doors
So no one would witness you on the floor.
I’m sorry for banging your head on doors and glass
I mean, anyone would see that as crass.
I’m sorry for shoving my fingers down your throat,
All because I couldn’t cope.
I’m sorry for the hours spent in front of a toilet
Sitting in front of bile after nothing was left.
I’m sorry for the reason you can’t use a straw
Because it made your throat raw.
I’m sorry for that drawer I never should have let stay
Of knives, scissors and razors to make the pain go away.
I’m sorry for letting your mouth lie,
To tell everyone you didn’t want to die.
I’m sorry you had to tell your sibling:
“No, mom threw out the hand soap”
(not because you chugged it in hope of a killing).
I’m sorry you couldn’t change in front of friends
Because of the scars under your jeans.
I’m sorry I told you that you were worthless,
To shrink to let go of stress.
I’m sorry you felt alone
Because you’re hell was at home.
I’m sorry I made you pull over on the side of the road
To bring up the elements of energy
(or so I was told).
I’m sorry no one knew of your attempts
Not friends, family, or even therapists
I’m sorry that it was one, two and three
And all because you wanted to be free.
I’m sorry you can’t look in the mirror
Because what you see, you might fear.
I’m sorry you told everyone that lie:
“I’m fine.”
I’m sorry you woke up in the middle of the night
Because the only person you would ever fight
Is in your head,
And it wanted you dead.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”

But remember
Those scars are burns from the cafe you worked at!
The reason your throat closes when stressed
Has nothing to do with the bathroom and the thought of being fat.
Remember!
That red stain is ketchup on your mattress!
Straws are too expensive,
Remember!
You like soap bars more than hand soap, it’s a texture thing,
Remember!
You simply don’t have time to look in the mirror
You would if you had time or if you tried!

But, what color are your eyes?
Well body, that’s it, that’s my apology,
I’m sorry.