Little am I privy to what the future holds.
My dreams and plans are fairytales until the tales are told.

I hope for adventure, I hope for growth.
That I heal my growing pains with both.

When I’m ready to love again,
I’ll be as myself as I’ve ever been.

I know the future will come with hurts,
That healing hearts bring out the worst.

If the aches are just too much to bear,
I’ll have my people standing there.

I’ll learn my burdens can be set down,
I’ll grow my strength and wear my crown.

And when this year is finally done,
That I’ll be ready for another one.

Dear ____________ ,

It’s been a while since I’ve let myself sit with you.

You come to me in my dreams sometimes. Or, I guess after my dreams, really. Dreams of contentment, passion, stolen kisses. Love. Memories of music with scents of home-cooked meals dance together in my mind while I feel a hand rubbing my back as I stand over a stove. Afternoons relaxing with another after a hard day of work. The bliss of late mornings lying around in bed with a lover. Imaginings of a future that I will never have. But I have to wake up eventually, and there you are.

Abandonment.

I long for a breath behind me, the rustling of sheets, an arm draped over my waist. I remember the warmth of another body, the rhythm of a heartbeat against my cheek as someone held me. Now I just feel cold in the empty bed. I hear only my breath and a sole heartbeat. The lack of connection, no other life in the room. And there you are.

Silence.

I try not to linger there. It hurts to remember feeling safe like that and then the ache as it tears away. I remember the bad parts then. Walking on eggshells, patronizing disproval, feeling like I’m not allowed to talk about my pain. I questioned myself. Never trusting in my own competence and intellect. The constant need for validation and reassurance. The need to feel like someone else thinks I’m “good enough.” I distract myself from you with new hobbies and responsibilities, proving my capability to myself. I still can’t shake that feeling, though.

Rejection.

However, I must tell you; I’m moving past you. Day by day, I feel my spirit coming back, though it is still so tired. I am learning to love my solitude. I feel the freedom and independence that comes with it. No need for permission to start a task or make a friend. No longer questioning and second guessing my every action. I can see a future where my confidence shines. Where I walk into a room and people feel the calm that I radiate. I will see a task and know I can complete it. See a person and offer to stand by them. Find love that accepts that I am a whole person.

I’ve made art, so deeply moving, I could never have shown you. I have learned new concepts and philosophies that you could never comprehend. I transformed my home into a sanctuary, a place reflecting my soul’s effort. I’m learning that my body is worthy of real love and care. That I am worthy of love and care.

Someday, abandonment will become a reclamation of myself. Silence will be peace. Rejection will be resilience. I will heal the fear of rejection, of abandonment, and silence in my future. I will work for the confidence to ask for help when I need it. I will make my own happiness.

More than anything, I hope to one day love myself. To finally and truly embrace being-

Alone.

Sincerely,

Mickel

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