Dear Reader,

I want to warn you before diving deep into this letter that I’ve experienced a lot of loss in the last 10 or so years. As I was pondering who I should write about I concluded that I could not choose just one person.  To choose one person would be to act as if the others did not exist, nor matter to me. Each of these people mattered and each of these people has deeply impacted my life and has contributed a piece to the mosaic that continues to become me.  So instead of honoring one person I choose to honor each person and to impart the lessons about love that they each taught me. 

Dear Loved Ones,

To my matante Elaine.  Your departure from this Earth was swift, sudden, and shocking.  The winter snow was in the process of melting as my thoughts dissolved and I erupted into a puddle of tears when I heard the news.  In those early days of grief, I didn’t know how I was going to live without you.  You showed me a love that was kind in a world that often was not.  Your eyes and your smile communicated warmth, love, and light.  You sheltered and protected me amid the storms in my life. Your heart and your home were my safe space. You made everyone you encountered feel seen, known, and loved even when you didn’t always feel it yourself.  To this day I strive to see, know, and love people with the kind and gentle love that you did.

To my Memere Gonneville.  Your passing came all too quickly. Because you had Alzheimer’s I had expected we would have to die other smaller deaths before we lost you completely.  But you remained healthy until one day you weren’t.  From you, I learned that love delights in the other.  In your younger years, you delighted in seeing us smile as you insisted that my sisters and I choose a toy from the dollar store, or as we played at a park, or as we experienced new things. Our joys were your joys and our sorrows were your sorrows.  That’s one thing I know I got from you.  Your last coherent words to me were “I love you.”  I hope when my time comes my last words will be “I love you.”

To my Memere and Pepere Hebert.  Much of my life was spent in your home sitting at your kitchen table watching and learning from you.  You gave me an example of a healthy, faith-filled marriage.  It was clear to me that you two loved each other deeply.  You died months apart from each other.  You taught me that love is generous with time, talent, and treasure.  Memere you transported many people to their medical appointments in your spare time.  When we visited you almost always retreated to the basement and returned with something to give one of your many grandchildren.  Pepere you were my rock, but also my teddy bear; strong yet soft.  My favorite moments with you were sitting on the swing watching the cars go by because in those moments you were fully present to me. You taught me to persevere.  That is a lesson I will always carry with me.  In the end, you taught me that love doesn’t end even when life does.

To my aunt Jackie. I loved spending days on the lake and at the camp with you. You loved the Blessed Mother so much and recited the rosary every day. You taught me that love is faithful even in times of suffering.  Your killer was cancer that metastasized, you endured great suffering but still, you were devoted to the Blessed Mother finding comfort and consolation in her motherly care. I strive to love the Blessed Mother as ardently as you and to pray for the hour of my death as much as you did. 

To my cousin Briar Rose, who passed away at 5 months old.  You taught me one doesn’t need to live years to live a meaningful life and to experience love.  I held you and visited you in the hospital and instantly I fell in love with you.  Though you didn’t live very long after your diagnosis you had a profound impact on our community as they banded together to support our family during that difficult time.    

Because you all mattered I still grieve.   
But it is also because I lost you…..
Because I know time is not guaranteed, but rather is a precious gift,  
That I savor each moment I have with those I love dearly. 
Thank you for being a part of my life and my story.

Dear Grand-Tee,

I really miss you sometimes.
I wonder without you what I’m supposed to be.
To be myself you made me believe, you helped me to see all those things before me.
I know, I believe, I can achieve.
You are my true friend and you are in my heart forever.
You will always be my forever.I never thought in my heart, we would not see forever.
To my life here tomorrow, I have a future because you were there.
I can not go sometimes without crying and even laughing.
I miss you every day. I’m so glad you were here to give me encouragement along the way.
You always gave me a chance, gave me a cheer.
Today is a good day to say Hi Grand-Tee.
I’m so glad you were here.
Even now I feel your sweet love from the grave.
My love, you had to be!
Grand-Tee you made me feel so praiseworthy!
You keep me strong!
You made me hope!
I wish you were here so you can see what has opened..
It is amazing, it seems like you were gone so long.
But in my heart, you can never be gone!
I miss you, I love you.
You are my forever friend, so glad I had.
Because I needed someone to depend.
Tomorrow is gone. Today you are here. Tomorrow is for us.
One day we’ll be together again as a team!

Love you always,
Charmaine

Pulling the soul back
to the day that seems forever ago.
Slowly here still wishing for the comeback
those chances set low.
Reminding who you once were
now that my name no longer exists.
For him it’s nothing but a blur
reading the remainder of life from lists.
Telling you all that has been achieved
despite knowing I’ll say it often.
Still pursuing the grieved
hoping maybe it’ll soften.
You still being here
the birds starting to explain the time is near.

The Day You left Became the Day I Began
The Day you left became my strength within,
You were my fraternal twin,
From the day we met,
Our bond we kept,
Sisters forever,
We thrived together,
We played on our playset,
Laughing, running, jumping into the sunset,
Until that day that you left,
Oh, how I will never forget,
You were so much fun as we would grow and learn,
Now my heart yearns,
Throughout our school age years,
You protected me from my peers,
See we were a team,
We fought daily to have our dream,
We knew that together we were better,
Our differences did not matter,
Laughing, running, jumping together,
Until the day you left me forever,
I was so confused the day you became ill,
You were so strong and had great will,
The will to achieve,
The will to believe,
I just knew you could pull through, with the powers that be,
God knew and could hear my plea,
I could not help you but only be by your side,
Like twins do, I was in for the ride,
I never thought with all your strength and might,
That my forever sister would lose her fight,
I did find peace in my heart,
There was nothing that could keep us apart,
When a friend asked, how do I keep my order,
I simply said, it is my sister and her higher power,
You left me that day,
It must have not been your time to stay,
However, what never left was my vivid memories of how you protected me,
You left me with your strength deep down inside me,
You left me with your enthusiastic desire to win,
I know I will fight until the end,
Your strength your pride,
You left that for me on the inside,
I know that your love for me will never leave,
There is nothing I cannot achieve,
Because of your love for me and I for you,
There is nothing I cannot do,
I will always miss you forever,
My love for you I will never surrender,
Laughing, running, jumping, together,
You have inspired me my whole life through to be whatever I wish to be,
Nothing will ever separate you from me.
By Angela Pinkins

They played this video of you at your memorial
Where you’re just a little girl running in a field talking about butterflies
I think it’s your birthday
And it is not lost on me all the innocence absent from those later years
My dear friend you’re nothing but an urn now.

I think about the fact that we all had daughters.
And I wish more than ever our girls could all meet.
And we would tell them about us as little girls.
Running in fields
Talking about butterflies
On our birthdays.

—
I love you, I miss you, madly.

A letter in memory of my dad…The Things I Carry

Several years ago, our youngest son, Aaron was required to write an essay for his English class entitled, “The Things I Carry”…I remember being intrigued by the topic of his essay. This particular essay focused on the physical objects he carried in his backpack, his wallet, and then also the objects that cluttered his truck. He was also required to write about the collection of memories that were important to him. Years later, I find myself reflecting on my dad’s life and the “things” I carry, along with the memories that I have about my life with my father.

On April 10, 2010, I said my final goodbyes to my dad. Later that week, I stood up and shared what I believed to be important memories of my dad. I spoke about his love of sailing at the Afterbay at Lake Oroville, California, his love of sailing on his favorite Northern California lake–Lake Almanor, and his love of sailing the ocean blue…so true. I spoke about his love of taking his girls up to Lake Almanor–fishing, sailing, staying at our PG & E cabin, and just the joy of being a family. I also shared that I will also carry in my memories because of my dad:
~the fact he loved each family member unconditionally
~his love of blue Ford Mustangs…both convertibles and hardtops
~his love of backyard birds
~his ability to accept you for who you are
~the connection I feel to his birthplace, Orland, California, and our family that still lives there
~his love of a-monds, not All-minds
~his love of black licorice and jujubes
~the joy he received from the births of each of his 13 grandchildren
~his determination to conserve energy; always reminding us to turn off all the lights in the room when leaving
~his dedication to his job with Pacific Gas and Electric
~his love of his Caspar Beach vacation spot in Mendocino
~his desire to be a successful a-mond farmer
~his willingness to help the family out when in need
~the dedication he had to help his Uncle Bill out while his uncle fought terminal cancer
~his love of breakfast–early morning trips to Jack’s Restaurant or the Cozy Diner..sometimes accompanied by a family member or not
~his love of books and reading newspapers….many newspapers.
~my dad’s ability to be calm and cool under pressure
~his collection of boxes of things…carrying them from home to home…and now how his girls do the same thing.

I now think about the things I carry in memory of my dad…what I do carry may not be objects that my dad possessed, but what I carry is the essence of what a good person he was…there may have been challenges in our lifetime–issues that never got resolved, words that were never spoken, feelings that were never expressed, but for today, I am choosing to honor the man who I remember at age 11–the man who cuddled me and protected me from the flying monkeys and the Wicked Witch of the West. The things I carry about my father’s memory, I’ve discovered are not just the big moments in life, but those moments that if not paying attention, may just be a whisper away…I miss you Dad–every day.

With each stitch and square
Each row and thumb prick
Your story has been told

Each quilt is a story you share
The battles you’ve survived
And the last battle you lost

A smile like yours is rare
Each day im starting to believe you’re truly gone
Everyday my heart breaks a little more

Watching the life you’ve made disappear
It hurts to know you’re gone

It hurts to know I won’t ever see that smile again
That I won’t ever hear that laugh again
That I won’t feel your touch again
That I won’t ever smell that old grandma smell
That I wont ever taste your sweet ice coffee

But each each stitch I make in my quilt is how I tell your story
It’s how I can tell our story

My Tash,
This is one of the hardest letters I have ever had to write. When I speak or think your name, the tears form in my eyes and slowly start escaping down my cheek. Once the tears start, they don’t stop and they come down faster as the water over Niagara Falls.
When I think of you, I think of how beautiful you were inside and out. I think about how I had so much fun and was at my happiest when you were around. I think about no matter how hard you fought for great things, and the world stayed on top of you, that you found a way to always be genuine and caring. You stayed fighting for others and bringing peace.
I will never forget the night on June 2nd, 2020, when I received a call with dad sounding frantic. Shiba I’m at the hospital with Tash! Shiba does your sister have illnesses? Shiba is there anything wrong with your sister medically? I replied, only for him to hang up and call me back once again. They said they didn’t know what was wrong. Nothing is working.
Dad yelled at me to call mom and hung up. I called so many times. I know it was late. Not to mention the middle of the country doesn’t always have reception. Mom! Please answer! I wish I could have gotten through to her Tash. I tried.
Dad raced to the house and picked me up. No regards to covid or the red lights. He sped to the hospital. He told me to sit back and I told him “not until I made sure you were okay.” We make it to the hospital, and he smiles with the staff. They hand me my mask and we get through security. Dad pointed to the room and as my hands hit the door, he yelled out that you were gone.
I looked at him in disbelief and i pulled my arms back and pushed the door so hard and fast to walk around the curtain and see you on the table. The tube was in your mouth and your eyes were closed. I broke out loud in cries. Tash, you, my baby sister, was laying on the table, lifeless. All I could do was rub your hair and kiss your forehead like I always did when I came to see you. You were only 37!! How could this even happen?! You was never supposed to go before me.
My world was shattered. I could barely walk. I could barely stay in the room. I could barely stand up next to you. I protected you from everything I could and I failed you on this. I couldn’t protect you. I didn’t even know. I wasn’t there! I am now an empty shell. My best friend, my baby sister, I basically helped raise you. I took care of you like I was the mom. I miss you so.

Dear Tash,
It’s me again. Your babies are doing the most beautiful things. They are so grown up now. I know you are proud of them as you watch over them. You did an amazing job and I am also extremely proud of them.
I miss you. Your birthday and your pass days are still the hardest for me. Sometimes, tears escape just a little bit and sometimes they escape a lot. I will never forget you. I am honored and blessed to have ever had the chance to have you in my life. God said love your people because you never know when they will be needed back. I definitely didn’t know he needed you so soon. I loved you immensely when you were alive, and I love you just the same now. I just have an unwavering pain in my heart. I really miss you.
Your nieces and nephew are doing amazing things as well. Your newest great niece Winter is so cute and sweet like her brother. She would have loved you. The kids all miss you. Your friends still miss you. They visit my page often to check on me and feel a bit of you. You have really good friends Tash.
Thank you for the frequent dream visits and thank you for the birds, butterflies, ladybugs, breeze, dimes and rain. Thank you for the light flickers to let me know you are there. Thank you for your subtle touch on my arm or forehead when I am asleep or relaxing deep in thought. I know you are always here.
I love you so much Tash. I will never, ever forget you. No matter what I go through, you will aways be on my mind and always have a place in my heart. My baby sister. You were gone too soon. But one day, I will get to visit you and we will laugh and dance on the moon.
Love Always,
Shib

In loving memory of my little sister Natausha(Tash), an extraordinary woman who loved beyond fault and without boundaries. I cherish her forever.

Dearest Papa,

The world has changed in the 13 years that you have been gone from this earth. In many ways it has changed in positive ways such as my two incredible sons George and Edward. They both remind me so much of you in so many ways. The both showed up in this world very early George was born at 27 weeks at 2lbs 1 oz. and boy was he a fighter! There was nothing that was going to stop him from growing and becoming a strong man like you. Then there is Edward who decided to only show up 6 weeks early at 4lbs 5oz. I thought he was huge and what I didn’t know was his personality was going to be as big as yours, he is determined to live life to the fullest just like you. Everyday I have a moment where I wish that you could be here with me to enjoy their giggles and see all the good they are bringing to the world and those around them.

The other day Edward was playing with a group of his friends and his friends were arguing about which team in baseball was better, when all of a sudden I hear Edward say ” guys, guys we don’t need to argue about this. It’s ok for us each to like different teams and cheer for different teams and we can still all be friends.” As I over heard his words my heart began to fill with happiness. It reminded me of the time I came to visit you and Nana and it was election year.

I remember the two of you in a heated debate and I was so worried you two were mad at each other and I wasn’t sure what to do. Then all of a sudden you said ” oh Ann, that is a very good point and that is why I love you so much.” I was puzzled and when you were putting me to bed I asked what just happened with you and Nana. I will never forget your response you said “Oh we were just talking about politics and most of the time we have very different points of view on politics.” ” Papa , does that make you sad?” “Sad, no it makes me happy that your Nana is still the smart, well spoken and knowledgeable woman I feel in love with 40 years ago. Her beauty is not only on the outside, her beauty grows deep and her intelligence is what knocked me off my feet.” I remember thinking (as a 11 year old) wow that is love.

Love is when you find someone that challenges you to believe in yourself. They recognize your beauty is not just on the surface, your beauty is what is in your heart and mind. In that moment you taught me that love is its purest when you find someone that loves you for who you are and even when you disagree on things, if you take the time to listen to their point of view you can come to an understanding because your love is more important then any political stance or sports team.

Throughout my life our conversations over the years have stayed with me and I found someone that loves me the way you loved Nana. At my wedding when you and I had our last dance together you told me “Make sure he loves you as you deserved to be loved.” Well, Papa I listened and we just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary and each year continues to get better as we enjoy life to the fullest and watch our boys grow into strong, loving , empathic men just like you. I will love you forever and miss you for always.

The day I came
You were there;
Snuggled to you, 
Your heartbeat became
My safe place. 

Years went by
In the blink of an eye, 
Following you everywhere, 
Learning and absorbing it all. 

Look at me! 
See what I can do!
Owie! That hurt!
And you were there – 

To pick me up;
Snuggled to you
Your heartbeat
My safe place. 

Another blink
And here comes the struggle
Of growth and rebellion,
Yet still needed you. 

The hurts became 
More internal and
I lashed out 
And hurt you, too –

But still you came
To pick me up,
Snuggled to you
Your heartbeat –
My safe place. 

We came to the day
When you gave me away;
We laughed as we walked 
Sharing only as we could;

You choked up
Telling him and all the world
To cherish me,
Your little girl. 

We kept learning 
And growing, 
New life, new stages,
New struggles and

Ever more changes-
Always helped me 
To learn how to do
And to allow for mistakes;

And when it got too tough
You picked me up,
Snuggled to you
Your heartbeat –
Always my safe place. 

Then life threw curves –
Big, ugly business –
And all our lives
Became disrupted. 

But we held it in,
Held it together –
Getting through, 
Revealing strengths,

Revealing weakness. 
When it got to be
A flood of emotions
And too much to hold

You still picked me up
Snuggled to your chest
Your heartbeat
Once again my safe place. 

And as we went through 
Those bad months… 
Years… 
In all your pain

You still 
Picked me up,
Snuggled to you
Your heartbeat, 
Still my safe place. 

Your heartbeat formed
The steady rhythm,
The drum beat of my life. 
And I remember

The last day
I saw you – 
You laughed at my
Latest stories

Adventures and antics,
Accomplishments – –
And you said – – –
“I am so glad

You know
How to do 
All these things.”
That day I knew

Without a doubt
How proud of me you were. 
And you knew that you had
Given me the tools I needed

To carry on – 
When the day
Would come –
Too soon…

When no more could you
Pick me up, 
Snuggle me to you
To hear your heartbeat, 
To be my safe place. 

That last time
My head on on your chest
You patted my head
And I think we knew –

That my latest stories, 
Those recent fixes, 
The newest dances, 
I would no longer share.

How can it be
That my life-giver
My safe space
Would never be again!!!

But then I look 
To the little ones,
And I know
That I must hand on

All you taught me. 
They must learn 
All you would have 
Shared in a lifetime. 

And most of all,
I hope I do it right, 
Whether they fall or fly, 
When they need me

I pick them up,
Snuggled them to me, 
And pray my heartbeat
Can be their safe place.