Dear Healing tribe,
I have been away from this forum for a while now and I finally feel ready to come back and to explain where I have been. I have been in a dark place lately and I did not feel connected to writing anymore. I think telling my story will help so many people who are exactly where I was in my journey. I was submerged in my mind, and I felt lost in the darkest parts of it. I had lost my job and felt lost in life, and I was having trouble finding a job. Sometimes along the way triggers pop up that we never knew we had. One of my triggers was not feeling in control of how things would play out in my life. I grew up feeling like I was never heard and in turn as an adult I always had to know what was happening in it. As these months have progressed, I have adapted and learned to accept where I am at in my journey. I had to realize there are so many things in my control like how I control my perspective. Seeing things from a higher perspective gives you peace of mind in a way. At least it did give me peace of mind and I had a talk with my sister, and she helped me to feel better about things.
Sometimes the things that we see as a problem are a solution and help us to grow in a way like we did not know we could. I honestly had always been depressed but it really didn’t present itself until recently. The mind is a maze of memories and thoughts that sometimes suppress itself to protect us. Through this process I connected to my childhood self and mothered myself. Healing takes time and patience. Sometimes that healing allows us to release suppressed emotions that we didn’t know we felt from a long time ago. I honestly resented my mom for not learning how to survive on her own. I never wanted to be like her, and that is a big part of why I want control. After my dad passed away, she was lost, and I understand why he was the love of her life. To lose someone you love in a tragic way is not easy. I think seeing how she changed gave me the courage to face myself. To truly see that I wanted more out of life and in turn building that life for myself. As much as we would like to heal right away it always takes time to get to a place of contentment. To get to that place of being in a state of mind that feels healthy for the moment. I always hear that healing isn’t linear and that is so true. We heal in our own timing, and it doesn’t have to be rushed for anyone but ourselves. We heal in cycles, some good cycles, and some bad ones but each one teaches us a lesson about ourselves. I think coming out of depression has made me see how much more grateful I can be for what I have right now in the present moment. To remain present is to see what’s in front you right now.