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  • telina27 shared a letter in the Group logo of Mental HealthMental Health group 2 weeks, 6 days ago

    Self love from the root

    Dear Unsealers,

    I hope you read this and realize that we are all going through something different in our lives. I wrote this in my blog, but never posted it in 2021. I find it interesting how we progress in our healing as we age and learn our lessons. Please feel free to let me know your thoughts on this.

    I spiral through my memories watching them from afar. I can only glimpse the places where I first began to love. I felt it the moment my parents took care of me as a kid. I still love them today. I can’t help but keep going back to the places and memories where happiness was all I felt.

    Since then, I lost my dad and that was the hardest place to be in life. It may have been 11 years ago, but trauma is something that stays with you no matter what age you are. I used to wish I was with my dad, but now I am glad I am alive today. I still feel him with me every day that I age. I think over the years I realized that even though I lost him it doesn’t mean he is truly gone. Each person that leaves this earth lives within us as a piece of our soul. My dad is apart of me in all my mannerisms and memories. Death has a way of changing a person. I changed but knowing that he was there in spirit made me feel better.

    My memories are what hold me to this earth, and through rose colored glasses I viewed my childhood as good. Love goes a long way when you are able to tell your children that you love them. I also remember being the one who was left out a lot and forgotten. As an adult I compensated by finding broken people who were just as broken as I was. Self love began for me when I realized I deserved much more in life then being second place. Sex was apart of my life only as a means to fill the void that I could only fill by loving who I am. I never clung to relationships because I didn’t want to get hurt. I never allowed myself to feel the pain that I held inside. The emotions that we don’t allow ourselves to feel causes us to be guarded from others. If we cannot trust ourselves how can we truly trust others. It all starts from within and not from an outside source. The outside validation prevents us from truly knowing who we are. You learn to love yourself by seeing all parts of yourself and your flaws as beautiful.

    My mom and I never were close and I always thought I was the only one until my sister told me one day that my mom never told us all that she didn’t love us. Emotions in our family wasn’t a thing. Even my dad never really said it to us. I think that understanding where your trauma comes from starts a healing process that allows you to see that we all have some type of trauma. All of our perspectives are different. We all see things with our own biases and understanding. We never truly know what someone else is going through. In all honesty we will never be in their shoes because we are born to be ourselves. when we think we are alone we never are. There are others who feel the same way as us.

    I now believe that you heal yourself by forgiving others, but also yourself. We are all programmed to believe what our parents believed because they were programmed by their parents. The understanding of others starts with your own and seeing that you are the only one that can change the outcome of your programming by healing it. By giving yourself the love that your parent didn’t give to you. Most people search for love outside of themselves by wanting other people to love them when in reality your own self love heals you the best.

    The thing is. we control our own narrative and how we view it. I think it is a change of perspective that gives us an idea of how much we have grown from one version to the next. I can chose to forgive my mom or I could tell her how I felt about things. I did end up having a conversation with her to tell her how I felt about her never saying she loves me, and now she tells me all the time. If you never use your voice to speak up no will ever know how you feel. Love comes in many forms and it is not just one. Remember that love is what brings us to many places we never thought we would go. It even brings us to ourselves. I think loving myself started with me figuring out why I didn’t love myself at one point. Learn about yourself because it allows healing to take place in you. When you heal you take responsibility for your own love and giving it to your self. Pouring into your own cup allows you to overflow and pour into others as a result.

    A healing women who loves herself
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    • @telina27

      Your letter hit me very hard. I’m there right now. 15 years ago my Mother passed away and the empty space still remains. It feels like you wrote my own letter and reversed everything. I wasn’t very close to my Father growing up because he was always on the road driving a truck to support my Mom and Brothers. I had to glean that he loved us otherwise he wouldn’t have made the sacrifice of being away sometimes up to several months at a time. He made that sacrifice so that there was always food on our table and that when he was home we were able to be together.

      My Father had a very stern discipline factor to him when he was around. Sometimes it escalated into violence where he would be so angry that he would hit my brothers and I. Not a spanking but a closed fist sometimes. It left the person I was always in a duality about how he could love us enough to sacrifice being away so much, to loving us so little he could bust open a lip.

      After my Mom passed away I was forced to deal with the demons I had harbored inside me all those years. I admit that I’ve struggled to make sense of them and let them overwhelm me to the point where I almost took my own life several times. I sought love from others to make up for the love I never felt growing up. Love itself then became the burden when it didn’t take the shapes I wanted it to. I spent many days turning off all feeling inside me because I literally couldn’t handle feeling anymore.

      In the recent years I’ve come to understand that I needed help to understand some of what I still feel. The hurt and heartache I’ve carried along more than half my life became too heavy to carry by myself. I always thought I was strong, that I could beat down any challenge I faced. I’ve faced three shoulder surgeries from taking my anger out by throwing baseballs until I couldn’t lift my arm anymore.

      I started seeing a counselor early this year because my heart and my soul cannot continue to carry these burdens through this life.

      My counselor has been instrumental to helping me process the things I’ve been through in a way that makes sense. I had to forgive not only my Father but I had to forgive myself.

      I have given more into loving myself and embracing the fact that what I have been through isn’t the final act of my life. I used a lot of the inequity I felt and funneled that into many things. From my writing to my photography I have found things that I can control within me that fills the voids other things created. While it can’t unthrow that punch my Father threw that permanently made my one tooth crooked, it makes me believe that there is something beyond it. A scenario of pure beauty doesn’t get judged by my teeth, it gets judged by my ability to see it, and capture it in the way I do. My self love comes through my love of nature, it fills me with the things that I’ve never really known.

      I know that my challenge to find love from another person has more to do with my love for myself needing work first.

      Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. It is very important for us to all know what lies behind the photos of us. Sometimes our smiles hide the stories that need to be told. Thanks for telling yours.

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      • Dear Roger,
        Thank you for sharing your thoughts about your difficult childhood. You are a wonderful person and I am sure you were a very sweet child. Your father was probably a victim of some kind of abuse from his parents. He must have been a angry man who vented that anger by subjecting his children to the sane abuse he endured. Family dysfunction is often passed on from one generation to another. It becomes a perpetual cycle that is difficult to break. But you are a good person and you must know that your father loved you but could not express his feelings. Do not let your past dictate your future. Be kind to yourself and goodness will come your way. Give yourself the love your Dad did not give you. You owe that to yourself. Also, continue to honor your dear mother’s memory. Live your best life!

        Shelley

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      • @oneturbobenz
        Dear Roger,

        I am glad the letter could relate to you in a good way. I wrote it for that very reason to connect with people who feel the same or have had similar experiences as me. I think you are a very strong person for allowing yourself to start the process of finding the root and how to heal it. It takes courage to acknowledge how you feel about things. It can take a trauma to propel you down that rabbit hole of figuring it out. For me it was my dad dying to figure out that I wasn’t really close to my mom, and for you it was your mom dying for you to figure out that you needed healing. Sometimes things happen and we don’t know why, and it can be frustrating not understanding the root.

        Some people don’t even try to heal because of the comfort they feel of not knowing why and that’s okay for them. We are here on this earth to learn lessons and maybe this was a lesson we both have to learn. Therapy is a good start and talking to someone who doesn’t know you and is an outside observer helps. Sometimes talking to family can bring the same perspective because they are too close. When you talk to someone it helps to zoom out and see it from all sides. I didn’t say this in my letter, but I also went to therapy after my dad died. I had to talk to someone cause I was lost and couldn’t figure out how to approach things. My mom and I didn’t understand each other. I later learned from my godmother that my mom didn’t baby me because she always thought I was strong enough to hold myself up on my own. I did grow up strong and used to think that showing emotion was weakness when in fact it is a strength. It takes a lot of energy to hold all that emotion in and not release it. We have to release it in some form.

        Like you said, you did photography and writing and I actually did the same thing. I write because it is my way of releasing any pent up emotions I have. I am sorry to hear that your dad used harsh abuse towards you and you didn’t deserve it. He probably had his own demons that he had to face too. When we as children are taught to push things down it goes on and on in every generation. It’s us who have to break the cycle so it can never go on to the next generation of children. So it stops in its tracks and not passed down.

        Thank you Roger for sharing your letter towards all who are on this page and reading mine. I think we all can help each other with healing. This is why we write because it’s a great form of communication between people who don’t know each other at all but can relate to other people’s stories.

        Sincerely,

        Telina

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      • @oneturbobenz

        Roger, You’ve been through some tough events in your life. I’m sorry you had to go through these experiences. I know what you mean about empty space after losing a parent. It’s tough to fathom that you won’t see your mom again until the afterlife. I bet your mom was a very loving person. When I lost my mom, it all happened so fast that I didn’t get the weight of how big her passing would be for me. It wasn’t until three years ago that I felt that empty space of not having her around anymore. Thoughts of ”I wish she was still here” started to hit me more and more. Your father sounds like mine, only thankfully he never got violent with me and my younger brother. I’m sorry you had to endure that treatment. You’re a strong person to carry that hurt for as long as you have. That hurt does become too heavy to carry by ourselves. We need loving people who can help guide us through the hurt and heal. I’m glad you found things like photography and writing that helps gives you joy. I salute you for seeing a counselor. I’m also glad your counselor is helping you process things in a way that helps you. Appreciate you sharing your powerful response.

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    • @telina27
      @theunsealed
      Hi Telina. I’m Jim. How are you? I hope all is well. I read your letter. I thought it was very impressive and well written. It had to be rough losing your father at an early age- regardless how he was towards you. And to hear your mom say she didn’t love you and your siblings ? That had to be rough. I’m sorry about that. But it sounds like it toughened you up. It Sounds like you adjusted very well. I agree with you about what you said about healing yourself and forgiving yourself and taking care of yourself. I think people forget about that sometimes. The zeal to help others is admirable, but I think sometimes people lose focus of themselves in the process. And that can’t happen. We have to take care of ourselves first. Have a great weekend. I look forward to hearing from you, Telina 🙂

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      • @jim-c
        Hi Jim,
        I appreciate you taking the time to read my letter. I am doing great to answer your question. I hope you are also doing well. One thing I also learned is my family didn’t know how to approach emotions and expressing it was hard. My grandma also had a hard time saying I love you to my mom, so I see where the cycle was was created. Sometimes these cycles can go on and on in every generation until someone breaks the cycle. It did toughen me up to be honest. I think we all go through things, so we can get to a point where we are okay with ourselves.

        Taking care of myself has mostly been a trial and error type of thing. I had to basically learn what I need from myself. I learned that I can mother myself and nature my inner child. Writing for me has been a therapy of its own and I started out with poetry. After my dad passed I had this need to create sadder poems, but still it spoke to my dark thoughts. It allowed me to expressed the emotions I was holding in. As I wrote more I found that it healed some parts of me. I ended up starting a blog to share with more people. It’s crazy what the imagination can create.

        Honestly I was very close to my dad and when I lost him it was harder to cope with life. My dad was the bread winner of the family and he worked while my mom stood home to watch us and take us to school. My dad is the reason why I have a big imagination. He was the one who wanted me to go to college and why I did graduate college. I think people come into our lives for a reason and that was my dads purpose to show me how to be imaginative.

        What made you start writing?

        Sincerely,
        T

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        • @telina27
          Hi. Yes I’m doing well. Thanks for asking 🙂
          That’s great that you were close to your dad. That’s great that he pushed you to go to college. It looks pretty clear That it paid off. Yes it seems writing can be a liberating thing for many. Me? I’m not much of a writer. At least in a professional sense anyways. But since joining the Unsealed I’ve written a few things i suppose. It’s nice to contribute to this thing that Lauren has here. So I do my best to put thoughts on paper, so to speak. One essay I wrote was about my dad. He passed in march 2020. I miss him every day. And I felt good telling whoever would read my essay about how strong he was, even through Parkinson’s. So yeah. Writing helps 🙂
          Nice chatting w you Telina. Hope you have a nice weekend 😊
          Jim

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    • @telina27

      Your letter was very moving. I love this saying you wrote. ”Pouring into your own cup allows you to overflow and pour into others as a result”. This is something I’ve learned to do with myself over time. For too long, I kept pouring into other people’s cups while neglecting to fill mine all the way to the top. I guess I did that to confiscate the lack of love I felt inside of me. Self-love is hard to do at first when we’re not used to giving love to ourselves. But, the more we do it, the easier it gets. At least for me, that’s how it’s been. I’m glad your mom tells you that she loves you all the time now. You’re so right about trauma staying with us no matter how old we get. Time makes trauma more acceptable than it was when we felt the initial blow. Thank you for sharing your story.

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      • @lostone89
        I am glad it was so moving for you. I believe it to my core that we have to start with ourselves. I learned that later in life, and I now see what other people have told me from the beginning. It’s great you started to fill your own cup and to see how much you are worth as a person. Everyone’s journey is different and has it’s own ups and downs. You were meant to learn in your own timing and that is okay. It takes many lessons to get there and I know I have been through it so many times. What do they say ? History is bound to repeat itself if you don’t learn from it. I talk to spirit and they always say that life is a lesson and we are always learning from ourselves and other people.

        Trauma is passed down from generation to generation until someone choses to do something different. Maybe you are bound to do something different to heal yours. Take your time, and be patient with yourself. Happy to inspire you to see how much you have learned and grown.

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    • As a person who has been living in this world for 23 years, I haven’t experienced not going through a phase of not loving myself. I had phases where when people made fun of me I just ignored them. I always learned how to take care of myself because my mother well wasn’t really all there. My older sister had to take care of us because my mother was always out at the casino and never returned for days. Maybe watching my sister helped me learn how to take care of myself because she showed not many others can do it for you. It was definitely deeply rooted to love myself and pamper myself as well. like having self-care days and putting myself first after God of course and making sure I’m happy to ignite happiness for others and around others. So self-care actually rooted in my sister who took care of us.

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      • @kayjahlorde
        You must have really had to grow up really fast because of it. I am sorry to hear about your mother not being there. Sounds like you and your sister were really close, and she helped build you into who you were meant to be. I am glad you feel self love and have built your confidence up. That’s great and we all make choice’s in our life to change it or learn from it. You have learned so much from what you grew up in. You were taught from day one to take care of you and no one else will do that for you.

        I honestly learned how to have confidence in my 30s, which is now. It took me a lot of healing and growing to figure out that I am a beautiful person who deserves so much more. I think you should tell your story and inspire more people to see their worth. Thank you for responding. I forgot to write back I’m sorry for taking so long to respond. Where are you from?

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