Dear Younger Me,

You deserve so much from me.
Too much to name.
But I could start with running your bath water
as I run my fingers through your mane.
Comforting you,
listening closely to understand the big picture
inside the frame.
Because I can’t tell you how good it gets
without first acknowledging your pain.

I can’t imagine how mad you get when I act like you never existed.
And I’m sorry, younger me
At times I couldn’t stand you for being so weak

And I apologize again that’s the Hurt getting out of line & coming to the forefront to speak.
How disrespectful & ego driven of me…
… Acting like your strength isn’t the reason we survived it all
Trauma, secrets, shame, guilt
… Like you didn’t eat them all
Like you didn’t shoulder the weight on a spine whose growth was stunted at only 3 feet tall.
Holdin’ it down so no one had to lose it all
And sometimes it gets really hard, younger me,
And seems really bleak
And never give up because you’ll miss out on some amazing things.

One day you’ll be a woman
And you’ll learn how to walk like there’s precious jade on the soles of your feet.
And you’ll smile like there’s diamonds in your teeth.

Your future is as bright as Orion on a starless night
Don’t worry, nothing will dim your God given light
You’ll speak in front of large crowds, write books, and feel comfortable speaking into mics
You’ll learn to love yourself & self sooth during those early mornings & nights
And I know you can’t see it.. but you will radiate light
To everyone you meet
And face fears even when the risk seems steep.
Can you even imagine the feeling that will be?!

So younger me, don’t worry
The light ahead of you is no coincidence
Nor accident
It’s intentional
It’s God’s will
And you are intentionally, powerful.

Dear Former Self,

Despite the unknown future and how things will change, remember that everything happens for a reason and that due to you being open and having a support system, everything will be ok.

You had your first and worst seizure at 1.5 years old. Your breathing stopped. You were flown by helicopter to Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh. For three minutes, you couldn’t breathe. On your way to the Hospital, you had multiple reoccurring seizures. When they got you to the hospital, one of the first things they tried to get the seizures under control was to put you on Tegretol. That completely wiped out your white blood count, so you were put in intensive care. For five days, doctors told your parents you would not be able to walk or talk again for the rest of your life. The doctors changed their mind about you when you stuck with it for 45 minutes to open a package of graham crackers.

Despite being dealt a new and worse hand, you were able to learn and process all of the information everything through school and could keep up. You did need an aid for typing and reading the problems. In Middle School and High School, you had a 504 to give yourself extra time on tests and quizzes. Your philosophy of never letting Epilepsy hold you back started from a young age as you did everything your peers did and even had a summer job while living on your own.

Despite your Epilepsy, you graduated from La Salle University in four years with a BSBA and a minor in Psychology. You had a solid GPA with a 3.55 in business and a 3.18 overall. Through all your education, you had to study differently than others, but you did not let that hold you back, and you would just put much more time into it.

Your lack of concern about your seizures caused others to not be concerned. Your approach was, and still is, to share about Epilepsy and how to help you to practically everyone you interact with. If you had a seizure that day, people would still want to be around you later that day if you were up to it. When anyone has witnessed you having a seizure, they have never been afraid to act accordingly by following the three general words of Seizure First Aid which are in this order: STAY, SAFE, and SIDE.

The recent part of your story also shows a lot of resilience. You had many things going your way as you: had gone almost 8 years seizure free, could drive, were living on your own, were attending social events, and more.

In April of 2023, things changed. Your neighbor in the apartment heard you start to go into the seizure, was around, and came in to help. In September of 2023 and March of 2024, you had one at your place of employment. Both times, you were treated well during and after. In April of 2024, you had one that like your first one took resilience to the next level. You had flown out west on your own, to see your brother and his girlfriend as well as family friends, as your parents were in Scotland. You had a seizure the last evening you were with your brother. Even though it had been about 15 years since he was around you during one, he was not afraid and knew exactly what to do. The next day, instead of trying to change plans and get a direct flight home, you proceeded to fly to Arizona on your own where you stayed for 2 days before flying back to Philadelphia with a 3-hour layover in Chicago.

These recent seizures have caused a lot of adaptation in your adult life, but due to your resilience and determination, you pushed through it. You went from being able to drive to having to plan, in advance, who will take you to and from everywhere. The change of your role was hard on you, but you did not worry a ton because you had a strong support system and took good precautionary steps. This led to your seizures not becoming as frequent as they could’ve been.

You have always been a person who doesn’t let the challenges of Epilepsy hold you back and limit you from doing various kinds of things in life. Instead, you have adapted and been very resilient through your life. The saying you like to live summarizes how you carry out your life. Epilepsy does not have me. Instead, I have Epilepsy.

Stay strong. Do not worry.

From,

Matthew Steele

it happened again, but this time the impact corresponded to a wild kangaroo blindsided by a speeding truck flashing down the freeway at 200 kilometres. In this moment my primal instincts weren’t driven by the need for survival: instead, they were a desperate attempt to escape the person I was becoming. As a child, I had written what some might call selfish letters but amidst the rush of cars racing past at 200 kilometres, who would take notice of the envelope clenched in my pouch? It may sound corrupt but my commitment to writing pledges to never tell a lie.

But now, lying here on a deserted roadside, feeling the aftershocks of the collision, my yearning has shifted. I no longer crave the embrace of such sadness.

Crammed in my pouch, 22 years later, I have decided to recreate that letter, one to the little me who thought the solution was to run away from the world.

Dear Nes,
I understand your fear, which may lead to restless nights and mornings filled with unseen chains.
You wish to grow up, to leave this waking nightmare.
But now, 22 years later, I am writing to you, to the young child from my past.

Even if dread still follows you on certain days, you choose not to fasten your tooth of strength to the door handle.
Rather, you let it penetrate your gums, revealing a voice that was long forgotten in the muck of youth.

You continue to write and learn,
Three years on the trail, travelling nonstop.
You have worked hard, taken up leadership roles for people, managed a store, and fostered aspiring leaders.

I remember the silent beg to God that said,
A want, so unjust, so desperate, to silence your voice.
Now, however, your voice is a salve of serenity for many tired minds, and your words pour from you like a river of wisdom.

Maybe when you desired the age of 22 you had imagined a different existence.
Dreams and moonlight weave a tale as old as Cinderella.
Sadly, love wasn’t as romantic as you had imagined it would be when you were younger.
The rugged landscape of love gave you strength and tenacity; reality, in contrast to fairy tales, sculpted you from stone.

You will be proud of yourself, my dear, because you will be able to see the warrior you have grown into in the mirror of time.

Dear younger self,
Oh, my darling, I know you worry about what lies ahead,
Always caught in the tangle of questions and uncertainties.
The future feels like an immense, dark sea, mysterious and intimidating.
I see you pacing, pondering,
Your heart heavy with the burden of decisions yet to be made, roads yet to be traveled.
You fear the unfamiliar, the twists and turns that time will inevitably bring.
However, let me share what I have learned from my vantage point years ahead.
The future isn’t a feral beast to be feared, nor a dark rain cloud to blame for your worries.
It’s created from the present moments you live, from the love you give, the dreams you pursue, the choices you make.
Each step you take now influences the future, turning the unknown into something beautiful and memorable.
Trust the journey,
Let it unfold naturally,
Let the seeds of effort and kindness you plant today bloom like red roses in a rose garden.
Let the fears that seem so overwhelming diminish over time, replaced by strengths you’ll discover within yourself.
You’ll find your way, through storms and sunshine, through the darkest nights and the brightest days.
Believe in yourself. Trust the path ahead, it is not only manageable but filled with potential and promise.
The future is kinder than you think, and you are more capable than you realize.
Embrace the present, let the future take care of itself. You will flourish. I will be with you every step of the way, holding your hand and guiding you.
With so much love and excitement!
Your older self

Please remember, through your frustration, and troubles of your own creation, it’s so important to give yourself grace instead of wallowing in your disgrace.
Whatever challenges that you are facing you’ll later realize are worth embracing.
Even though it won’t happen overnight, everything’s going to be alright.

Why Worry?
Dear younger self, this is a letter to me. If I could have had the skills to not worry about the future, I would have been less anxious and enjoyed the ride.
Learning to live in the moment is a gift to yourself. Smelling the sweet nectar from the flowers blowing in the wind, to running that race around the bend. Playing outside Double-Dutch and kick ball in the street, playing with jacks and marbles with no cares but to be present while I was there. I remember my childhood vividly no cares, until I kept getting older and then I had some fears: fears of getting older and fitting in with my peers, joining social groups and exploring who I was within. I had some anxiety back then, sometimes difficult experiences worrying about my future and how it would end. Forgetting the time when I was outside playing and using my imagination with no certain cares in the world was refreshing. If I could tell myself back then, do not to fret, as I was to age and grow older each day and that would have been ok. Perhaps, I would have thought the sky would have been the limit. If I could have said to myself back then, yes! You can do that or this and eventually just get it done, then I guess this letter would not have had to be written. However, I would have told myself to dream big or even bigger and not to be anxious about the future. See the future will come but after the present. So, the present should have been soaking in the sun. Because the future was yet to come. So, why did you often worry about what was to come but to have embraced the time you had back then and wait patiently for your future to have begun. Yes, you will age, you will not know what is yet to come, but the experiences you had to face while you were young was shaping you into the woman you would become. Not worrying about whether I belonged because just being who you were was exactly who you were! You were born unique! If I had just known to have just trusted myself and spoke to myself to say your enough. Your smile, your laughter, your size, your weight, your height, your life is what the higher power has given you so embrace it and not to worry, because worrying about what is yet to come brings unnecessary anxiety that soils your tongue. If I could have done it all over again, I would know that I was a survivor and that my future was bright and yet to come!

To the girl in the mirror with the tears in her eyes
Staring intently at her double chin and the ripples in her thighs
Listening to a voice in her head, whispered sweet nothings that have soured and sharpened-leaving long scars down arms that you no longer consider beautiful-
You are loved.
You are loved you are loved you are loved.
I’ll say it once more because it’s hard to hear over the internal and external screaming-voices raining down falsities, attracting you like magnets
YOU ARE LOVED!
Let the words wash over you: thunder down and fire up-burning the root of the problem-the seeds that planted how you see yourself in the world.
“It’s better to hear it here so you’re tough when you go out there-“
That’s not true.
You are loved and you are beautiful.
You’re going to make it through.
The wounds may be bleeding but they are going to heal-you are not broken.
People may be laughing but you are not a clown-you are a queen and there’s no need to fix your crown.
Don’t wipe the tears from your eyes and don’t pick yourself up because it’s okay to feel what you are feeling: you don’t need to take on strong.
But you need to take on love.
When I wrap myself around me I am really holding on to you-
Giving you sweet kisses and tender words to offset the harsh reality that you thought you needed to live in.
Elixirs for your scars and for the pains.
I want you to know that your thighs keep me warm at night
Your chin is the essence of your face and smile
And those voices? We’re on a journey to conquer the voices.
You will-we will-conquer every single one.
Here’s the weapon:
You are loved.
I love you.