The storm had finally arrived after brewing in a silent sea of delusion for far too long. The wind of truth blew fiercely against us all and the rain that fell endlessly were indeed our tears. The clouds drifted across an amber sky of clustered thoughts that hid the sunlight that day.
Yet still I held her to me.
I spoke of angels and good Soul food, whispered love and affirmations in her ear, and kissed her lips. Memories like morning dew covered and saturated my heart.
Yet still I held her to me.
Not knowing that she felt me or even knew who I was any longer because the time was at hand. Her breathing was shallow and yet the life she had lived spoke volumes throughout her transitioning. There was no more time for abandonment issues or thoughts of past transgressions; no space for generational strongholds to reinforce trauma bonding. For soon she would be gone, embraced by the light and Angels she adored. “Thank you” she had told me a mere few days ago as I cared for her, cleaning her and playing her favorite music. “I love you” she had said words that I thought I would never hear her say again after our estrangement.
Yet still I held her to me.
The embrace gave us both the closure that we needed and sought from each other. This day the hospice nurse comes to pull us out of the dark room “Give her space to transition” she said, “often loved ones won’t transition when being watched.” At the time, and in my grief, I thought that was odd of her to say. However when we went back into the room, I touched my mommy’s cooling skin and her stillness almost frightens me, yet it was then that I knew she was gone.
Yet still I held her to me.
Emotions too deep to express escaped us as we gathered around the shell that once housed her spirit. She had joined the ancestors that now danced in the wind beyond this realm. And as the years and time attempt to comfort us all in her absence, as she comes to visit us in dreams to hold dear with our memories, when moments too big for explanation are captured – my thoughts are of our last hug, when still I held her to me.

Writing about the way
Life presents us with a chance
Or an opportunity.
I would be, exited! depending
On its meaning or what could
I benefit from the chance of
This opportunity.
The path I’m taking has come to
A “V” as I walk away from
That chance and head towards
Other opportunities.

Tell me all your secrets and you will be set free
Listen to my mournful song of the siren sea
For it is not those who have been lost, but those who have been found
Hear my voice and you will find a solace in its sound

I promise you a lifetime of treasure and opulence
Fear me not, for I see the future and hence –
Your time has come to be the king of the shadow realm
Jump in with me and leave your past life at the helm

Down and down we go to the darkest of the blue
Sing my song and let its words envelop you
Spill your dreams and let me feast on your memories
Let me fuel your conscience and keep your mind at ease

Drink in the sea or I will haunt you forever more
It be your choice for coming here, knocking on death’s door
Your soul is mine and I rejoice to kill once again
The siren’s song means that I hold the key to your life’s end

So when you hear the sounds of a woman crying out
Stay on your ship, lest death will bring about
The wayward man who doesn’t want to go to sleep
I’ll drag you down to my humble home in the deep

Walking this Earth,
Taking the (E and h)
Out. Creating “Art”
Then ill rearrange the letters,
Putting the “h” in front,
As I leave a piece of my
“Heart” here on this Earth.

The year is almost over,
And another will soon start.
This year, however,
I’ll begin with a broken heart.

I’m missing my loved ones,
My friends who’ve recently passed.
I miss their sweet voices,
Their smiles and their laughs.

It was supposed to be a Merry Christmas!
Another photo in the album!
Then suddenly that changed,
to the first Christmas without ’em…

I screamed up at God,
“CAN YOU JUST TELL ME WHY?”
“ARE YOU EVEN UP THERE?!”
“AM I JUST YELLING AT THE SKY?!?!”

I fell to my knees,
and started punching at the ground.
When suddenly I realized…
My loved one’s are all around…

They’re right here with me,
Feeling all this pain.
Does that mean they feel the sunshine?
Does it mean they feel the rain?

Maybe they’re not as gone,
As the world seems to say.
Maybe they’re right beside me…
Every night and every day!

If they’re here with me,
Guiding my every move…
Then I know that I can make it!
Because there’s nothing they can’t do!

This poem is dedicated in loving memory to my friends Alex Wisniewski, Joe Ewer, and Tammy Pouliot, but it goes out to anyone who has lost a loved one.

You are not alone. ❤️❤️❤️

I love my dogs,
I really really do…
But there are some aspects,
like when you take a back-step,
and wind up stepping in pooh!

They chew, they bite,
they scratch, they knaw.
When you’re watching a movie,
they’re licking their paw!

You’re sitting at the table,
waiting for dinner to start,
when along comes your dog,
and lets out a fart!

You all start gagging,
and gasping for air.
His tail starts wagging,
He doesn’t even care!

When you meet new friends,
and go to their door.
Your dog walks in,
and pees on the floor!

They dig, they shed,
they claw, they shred.
They get in your laundry,
and make their bed!

With all that they break,
and all they destroy,
they’re still the best little girls,
and good little boys.

When you come home,
from a long hard day,
they’re always right there,
and ready to play.

They love us so good.
They love us so well.
Even when our world,
is going to hell.

When my heart is broken,
and the tears start to flow,
I run to your shoulder,
and let it all go.

You won’t be here forever,
so I try to make it the best.
I focus on the good things,
and forget about the rest.

Whenever our bond is broken,
I know it always will mend.
That’s why they call you,
“Man’s Best Friend”.

You may call me a freak,
But I prefer unique.
You may think my thoughts strange,
But at least I’m not deranged.
So let me explain
Why weird is better than plain.

While others follow the herd,
I fly off like a bird,
Forging my own route
Where my dreams can sprout.
The path may be rougher,
But it’ll only make me tougher.

Alone you may find me.
Though lonely I will never be
For I am friends with the best,
The beasts, and bees, and all the rest
Who don’t ever mind
That I am different than their kind.

Uninhibited, but aware,
I slip through the snare
That society has laid to trap,
Baited with shiny, useless crap,
To keep us caught in the machine.
Shedding social mores, I flee the scene.

Travelling far and wide
I’ve found others on my side.
They do not talk or dress like me,
But they, too, long to be free.
Together our mix-match crew
Form fine families anew.

So, you see, in the end
I will not break or bend
For fitting in is not my worry,
Nor am I sad or sorry
About those who’ve shut me out.
It’s their loss only, without a doubt.

How do I weave these words without a stir,
When fate and I engage in a silent war?
Who shall bend, who shall break,
In this quest for love, for dreams that wake?

Forever I thought, we’d be side by side,
For without you, my heart cannot abide.
But love, elusive, a cruel friend to me,
Fate clings tight while I seek to be free.

In shadows of doubt, my faith slipped away,
Mankind fractured the fairytale I’d play.
Yet a whisper urged me to pause, to refrain,
To gather my strength, to rise once again.

Before I speak to the one I adore,
May I pen you this letter, a wish to explore?
How do I express this without causing fear,
When all I hold dear is right here, near?

Once a believer, now lost in despair,
As the years turned cold, I paused to repair.
Yet in all the chaos, your love shines bright,
A shield for my heart, a guiding light.

She sees me, all of me, calls me to stay,
To turn from the fear that might lead me astray.
With devotion, I stand, no trespass intended,
Ask for your heart, a journey unended.

If I must depart, I promise, I swear,
Your heart will be tender, beyond all compare.
I fear not the path that love leads me down,
For with you, my darling, I’ve found solid ground.

When you know, you know; I spoke with my fate,
Not just a dream, but my future awaits.
Eager to share this life, hand in hand,
With Heaven above, blessing our land.

Pride laid aside, with desires fulfilled,
In your radiant presence, my heart’s gently thrilled.
Every want and every need, no longer concealed,
I’m enraptured by you, our bond revealed.

Breathtaking and brilliant, both heart and mind,
I pinch myself daily, in awe of the find.
Is this love, this wonder, beneath my feet?
A reality blossoming, beautifully sweet.

So here’s to the journey as I’ve fallen anew,
All fears that once haunted have melted from view.
For she sees all of me, and I wish to stay,
As love blooms between us, come what may.

What you see is what you get.
If I’m showing interest
You probably feel it,
If Im ignoring, you’ve
Lost my interest.
I’m no longer seeking
Another relationship.
I’m now looking for my “best friend”
As she will do all the goofey
Things laugh and play,
Argue and disagree
while still remaining
A friend in need.
That’s the only relationship
I’m looking for.
What you see is what you get.
Somedayz I’m confident,
Other’s seem like auto pilot.
Somedayz I’m quiet,
Stuck in my thoughts
Lost in my head
Probably feeling a Lil depressed.
Somedayz I’m happy As can be
Feeling like,
Nothing can bother me.
And there are
Somedayz that I could feel
All of these feelings.
What you see is what you get.

The current weight of the state, that I left me in; almost done me in.. How did I get here, AGAIN?! Ah, I see.. I lost the traction to believe – in ME; Not the ‘me’ imprisoned by fear, failure and lack; but the young one, tucked way deep down in the back.. The back of mind, heart and core; laced up with ribbons of dysfunction, pain and trauma from all the years before; Her voice ever softened crying out for solace- HELP ME! I plead.. save me from this space – place seeded in me – help me escape this world- this construct; empty and fake. I can feel the echoes of her small trembling voice reverberating in my ears; “Why can’t I be like my peers?” Heart and eyes swelling with tears.. arms outstretched longing for someone to hold me, console me; not scold the the unsalved bits of my soul.. It’s deafening and it’s taking it toll; pushing with a force, a steady strength and pace.. ever inching to the ledge; the edge of my escape or fate? Then I hear it, my voice of most high ”Remember who you are! You will not roll over, give up, throw in the towel or say goodbye! For salvation, peace and true freedom is nigh.. Your work here isn’t finished, there’s still so much left for you to do; You my sweet child have NOTHING TO PROVE! Just share your truth.” Here is the secret to dismantle the chaos: When you’re standing with your back against the wall; looking into the eyes of those awaiting your fall – release the breath you’re holding; dreading the notion of having to start again at a crawl.. Let the cards and mask, drop, fall where they must – without a whimper, tear or fuss; for you are not alone: and there ARE ones you can trust. Let them hear you my darling; for this is your calling! Can you hear me, my tribe? NO VOICE is too small; It’s why we have each other in this life; after all.
*With all my unconditional love, Shell*

a line we draw,
Ever changing yet-
Rarely executed as conceived.
An idea beyond your skill level-
You draw the line,
You make up your mind-
You’ll accept nothing less…
Then it stretches and breaks,
You’ve got a chance to draw again.

It takes a lifetime of mistakes.
Or perhaps one very enlighteneing day-
Your lines are yours to draw,
Your choices yours to color.
bounadries are yours to make,
With each relationship or day-
They change…
that’s okay.
Some people never find them,
Some never pick up the pencil-
To draw a line for their being-
To ask themselves what they believe in,
Draw your lines- confidently.
Devote yourself to them
As if you are someone you love-
Stick to them unfailingly.
Just like an etch a sketch-
Always feel free to give them a shake.
When YOU are compelled-
Your life is yours to draw the lines & create.

Half a lifetime ago,
I buried a future
in these woods.
 
Vowing then 
never to return.  

Refusing to revisit
a painfully lost vision
left broken in a history
full of revision and derision.  
 
But, tonight 
I returned.

To seek forgiveness,
from the lost life 
I buried alive.

Drawing a deep breath,
I stepped into the past.

Following old instincts
down lost winding trails
in the late evening heat.

As songbirds flew quiet overhead,
and dry leaves cried under my feet.
 
Rushing, familiar winds
      howled in both ears,
feeding old, tired fears.
 
Everything has changed, but still 
everything is the same.

I walked through mangled 
forgotten trees,
that ceased being haunted
but were clearly diseased.

Her screams cut through my anxieties.

She remembers me.

I ran, frantic, 
without thought.
I still knew the spot. 
 
Dropping to my knees 
as dark clouds stole
the last light.
 
I dug.
I clawed.

I fought to find
the part of my mind
I was working to refine,
but buried alive  
before its time. 

Is this it?
Is my future over?
Is this the end? 

A deep coldness
crept over my skin,
as I began to give in.
 
It was then.
She took my hand. 
A fiery grip from within.

Light rushed into my heart.
And courage flashed in my eyes. 

For the first time in so many times,
I stood with a rush of adrenaline.

Finally, 
ready to live again.

Love still lives on

There are promises that surpasses this world,
often filled with things in life we can’t comprehend.
Yet when we take a moment to be still and believe,
there is a song that’s being played on the wind.
When the breeze caresses your tear streaked face,
when you grieve in despair that they’re gone,
we must remember that love never dies
in the light and in our hearts love still lives on.
When the raindrops fall and mingle with tears,
when the sun rises and sets on days hard and long,
allow the rays of God’s love and light to engulf you,
for in God’s embrace is proof that love still lives on.
That random butterfly or strange cloud in the sky,
that whisper or suddenly you hear that special song.
Our loved ones are always near and with us,
giving those signs that their love still lives on.
To grieve is human and we know,
that the process is never a straight line.
There are moments when you can laugh and smile,
there are moments when you may feel out of your mind.
Beloved feel what you feel when you feel it,
for each of us will grieve in different ways.
Yet be compassionate to others and yourself,
it’s a path we all have to walk and ultimately take.
Allow your village of lights to surround and lift you,
may the Lord comfort your hearts all along,
for the word says “I will give everlasting life”
that’s a promise from God that love still lives on.
Fill your spirit with affirmations and memories,
know that in the midst of life’s storms you are never alone.
May God strengthen you always with heavenly kisses,
a reminder that love never dies when love still lives on.

I am not where I come from
That’s not my identity
Though it somehow fashioned me

The way I talk and the way I walk
Always looking round me
That’s that city mentality

But it doesn’t fully define me
I am more of where I’m going
The place that awaits me

The welcome mat of glory
That’s my destiny

The beginning was just the start
of this journey that takes me
to where I long to be

It was a time and place for which most will forget
But that which lies ahead,
That’s majestic yet

So it doesn’t matter where or how I started
What matters is where I will be
Eternity

This tainted skin
the crevices found on my body
the cuts and scrapes
the tears that remain

the weight on my shoulders that pressed down so deeply
That I could barely breathe deeply

None of that fully defines me
for this is just the journey

And yes there is value to this journey
You gotta look around and breathe it in take it all in
Still what matters most is what lies ahead in the distance, in the horizon,
The shining glory,
that’s where I’m going to be
that’s me

“We’re led by a force that we believe is outside of ourselves. Pulled to the most beautiful things, we subject ourselves to experience the most wretched—duality in and of itself. Each experience separate from the meaning we assign to it, unique to every one of us. And so, in the end, when all of my life is behind me, I will still never know yours—except in passing.”