On January 1st of 2024, I found myself making a vision board for the year.
I had done the same last year and looking back and seeing all that I had accomplished and followed through with gave me closure to the depressive episode I experienced in all 12 months of 2022. I had learned to ask for help, I learned to speak up, and place fresh soil under my feet to ascend me from the hole I had dug for myself. The hole a part of me planned to die in turned into a place for me to plant my feet and give myself flowers.
My flowers have blossomed for this new year… and vision board… my goals are going to help me water them.
For the first time in 10 years, I felt connected to a Bible verse. God and I’s letters have gotten mixed up in the mail and I eventually stopped writing him. I hated what he had put me through and the way he watched me suffer for years, but I realized… in moments when I sat on the floor of my bathroom, unable to breath, sleeves salty from crying into them, I spoke to him. I wanted someone to listen and he did, and now I know it’s time to break my “no- contact”. The night of January 8th I wrote to him for the first time. I apologized for my absence, explaining why I had been away for so long, and I felt… forgiven. In a moment where I expected ridicule and mercilessness, I was forgiven before my ink dried. I want to forgive myself in this way, learn to forgive others the same. I want to heal this year. This is the focus of my vision board. I want to express the kind of love I used to when I was growing up, the unknowing, the unconditional, the innocent. My goal is closing chapters from my childhood that felt unfinished. Stories I cannot rewrite for an outcome that better suits who I am today, but instead MAKE me who I am.
So, in 2024 I ask God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.