Today I have decided to tell my story. I suffer from bipolar. I was diagnosed with the mental disorder over 20 years ago. I have been through alot. It has been a real problem most of my life.
It was triggered after I had my second child. It was a nightmare 😔. I ended up being hospitalized several times over the course of twenty years. I will do my best to explain the horror of it all. I remember having one episode after another. Each episode was very exhausting and dramatic. I would block out a lot of the different personalities and triggers of emotional dynamics. It was so 😫 tiring.
I will try to explain one of my episodes to give you an idea of it all. Well, it all begins with not taking my medication. It slowly turns into a horror movie. I hear voices and act out several different personalities in my mind. I begin to have spells of crying dramatically having thoughts of despair. I was on edge and going down a bottomless pit of not wanting to be here anymore 😪. Yet, in most circumstances I didn’t want to kill myself because an angelic voice told me, ” no” don’t do it! I say, “okay” most times. Smh.
In these drastic times I have family who did help me like my mother. And that was important and fortunate because at these times it is good to have positive support systems in your life.
In most cases my family would call 911 and have a rescue squad come get me. In this case, I can’t stop crying. I wanted to leave! I wanted to go away! My family would say that I was going to the hospital. My main support is my mother. She was always there for me.
Once the ambulance 🚑 arrived I felt like I was in a horrible movie. This has happened to me several times over the years. Yet on this particular case the ENT would come in from the ambulance slowly one my one. They see I’m distraught and incoherent. I don’t know who I was at this point. I’m yelling for no reason and crying for no reason. I can’t understand what is going on. The police also came in…and it got worse. They felt like I would hurt myself or others and so one officer threatened to taze me. I said please don’t..please give me some water to drink. They did.
They slowly calmed me down and then my casemanager came in to also help out.
They asked her several questions to understand why I was like this. She told them that I was bipolar. I am so sick at this point. I have felt supernatural powers around me. I would say, ” I see angels”. They weren’t really visible but a feeling of goodness and calming voices.
So this contributes and adds to my psychotic behavior 🤔. That is what I felt.
I want to tell you the experience of being INSIDE THE AMBULANCE 🚑. Once I get inside the ambulance I felt like i was being ported to an experimental place. I was scared!!!!!This particular personality in me was very informative. I was talking a great deal like I was literally someone else.
One ENT said that he had never seen anything like this before. I finally got to the emergency room. Once there I begin, to yell and bring attention to myself. The police 🚔 officers were staring at me. A guard was placed at the entrance of my room door. I was being watched for over 24 hours. After a while a psychiatric doctor told me I would be admitted to a room in the hospital.
Now, I was on the floor of the psychiatric unit. Once I was in my own room I was in a bed. In some cases I was given medication to help relax me and I would sleep for hours.
So this was a particular bipolar experience. The next day, after being monitored I had to learn and come to appreciate little things again. Showering 🚿, brushing my teeth, wearing a hospital gown, and being served my breakfast lunch and dinner. This was a safe place.
Once I stayed a couple of weeks I was let go. I had a team of supporters around to help me. I had a case worker, a psychiatrist, and medical doctor coming in to see me. I felt much better. This was going to begin to be a part of my life for over 20 years. It is hard. But I will say I’m currently doing ok. So remember you are not alone. Be positive. Find good supporters in your circumstances. I hope this helps someone. Thank you for hearing my story. I am beating bipolar.
What a scary time!! Your experiences were so difficult and I can’t even imagine how hard it was to overcome that. I am so happy that you are dealing with your trauma and getting through those hard times. ❤️
A letter to myself
Grabbing an old book off the shelf.
Starting a new chapter
To help me see.
What I’ve been through
Yes Indeed!
Showing the wounds
Of my inner child
Adding a new chapter to help me smile.
Showing my affliction
Of bipolar disease
After twenty years of hurting
I’m being set free.
In the hospital in and out
Finding the answers
Of what it’s all about.
Looking for answers
Through food and ice cream
Coping with bipolar
And what it means.
Taking medication to help me grow
Saying, “Why me” I did not know.
Finding answers to my depression
Was my victory.
Extending my life and
Escaping the mind
Finding hope and answers to a certain degree.
This was a sign.
That I can be “normal”
In this world, I CAN SHINE!
In my mind there is a tunnel
A mother of two
Seeing the light at each end
They have grown so much
I give them what I can
Of a mother’s touch.
Escaping my mind
And never married
This was another load I always carried.
Living this chapter of love and happiness
Living this chapter of not being depressed.
Wanting to help others as an employee
As a companion for those in need.
Highs and lows
Of mental stability
Finding love is the key.
I’m beating bipolar again and again
From doctors and lawyers
Finding the right medicine.
I escape the highs and lows
And depending on others
Like mountains and valleys
Wanting to do better as a devoted mother.
Yes, defeating bipolar
I do not cry.
Defeating bipolar
Is what I say inside
To myself I will not lie.
This is a new chapter just for me
Doing much better
In time I shall see.
Sonya, This is really powerful. It sounds like you are fighting for your health and your happiness so you can live your absolute best life. That takes a lot of courage, and I am cheering you on every step of the way. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being part of The Unsealed family. <3 Lauren