Dear Joy Spreader,

When the curtain to a new day opened, you smiled. You saw everyday as a new day to spread joy. You were joyful to see a friend; you were joyful to see a family member; you were joyful to see your teacher; you were joyful about every little thing that happened. Sometimes nothing needed to happen, you looked up, saw clouds and that made you smile. When it rained, you found music in the rain, and you danced. All everyone heard was your giggles. Before long, they joined to laugh with you. People say, rain has music, but you danced even when there was sunshine. When mom made mango jam you danced around the house with joy. It’s like everything held some sort of special power to make you happy, everything had some kind of rhythm to make you dance. Now when I look back, I admire the easy, effortless way you grabbed happiness everywhere you were. It’s like you didn’t search for happiness, happiness always found you. I wish I could travel back in time to meet you again and carry that secret to happiness with me to my adulthood. Was it the simple way you loved everything and everyone? Or was it that you simply loved being happy all the time? Is love the secret? When it rained today, I heard the music of the rain. I remembered you and all I wanted to do is dance to that music, but I didn’t. Just simply doing that simple thing seemed complicated. I wondered how you did all those things so effortlessly. If I could travel back in time, I’d bring your joyful nature, the simple way you loved everyone and the carefree way you did everything. Perhaps, I need to remind myself: you are me and I am you. I may not need to search too far as within myself I have that seed of inspiration to bring forth a different version of myself when the curtain opens to a new day.

Everybody’s asking you, why girl?
Who hurt you, girl?
Tell a story…
Why’d you lie, girl?
Tell the truth…
There’s no excuse so now you lose.
All alone but nobody cares.
Now you’re asking why, girl?
Why wasn’t anyone else there?
Aftermath: no more feelings to share.
When you push it’s almost like the feelings aren’t there.
Why girl?
Why are you afraid to tell your story, tell your truth, and give an excuse?
If you don’t speak up now, you’ll always be used.
Why, girl?
I don’t know why you care what they say,
but things are important that you say.
All the things, every day.
Hey…
Beautiful…
Soul…
Still, you ask why, girl?
That is you!
You are what you speak.
You are not for the weak.
You will achieve every virtue you seek.
You improve anyone you meet.
I love you because you never stop asking why, girl.

Dear Angela, I am writing you a letter to say thank you. I remember in my childhood I loved to play! My sister and I would always pretend to be teachers! Then it dawned on me that my inner self further down the road on my journey would end up becoming a teacher! As a child you don’t know what you know until you grow. You are just a child trying to grow up the best that you can. Little did I know that this little girl would grow up embracing herself. As I reflect on my childhood, as a little girl, I learned to love myself! I believe that my childhood memories were beautifully made by filling my time with play. Back in my day, social media was obsolete but in my younger years it became a treasure that using your five senses would become so rewarding. I remember playing marble, jacks, pick up sticks, kick ball, tether ball, and with ants! Yes, I said ants! I lived at the end of a street and next to a tree lined fiend. My dead-end street was safe enough for me to build ant homes on the curb in the dirt and I used pieces of clear plastic for the windows for those ants in the ant hospital. Of course, it sounds weird but it’s called play. The power of play will never go away. I loved the outdoors for running, racing, picking blackberries in the bushes for my mother to make blackberry pie! My sister and brother also help to pick these berries too! It was a fun thing to do. I remember I absolutely loved riding my Big Wheel and my bike on the sidewalk and on my dead – end street. My inner self was so open to the world around me. I enjoyed my childhood as a little girl so much that I attribute it to the fact that I was taken good care of so much that I was able to feel safe to explore. Growing up, I was inquisitive, and enthusiastic and this may be why I had so much fun! I was also very in tune with whom I was. I want to say thank you to my inner child for being brave, and imaginative but the best thing I like most about my child was that I enjoyed the moment I was in. I want to say thank you Angela for exploring, and playing with your hands, running in the sun, picking berries, and enjoying the world I was given. I loved that I was able to feel free to connect with me, myself and I! I felt as a young child special, I felt loved and as I look back and say, “I never thought all that I did would make me become a successful citizen by giving back to my community in a positive way.” Those early childhood years made me strong, and determined to never give up and to find my way. I love you Angela a lot more than I ever thought I could. You have given me sunshine and warmth and I hope to continue my lifelong journey still enjoying my life and to always remember who I am.
Sincerely, Angela

Through the Kaleidoscope

A tender breeze,
like tendrils of hair
softened by caring hands,
dances playfully along your skin,
warmed by the sun’s golden smile.
It brushes your lashes,
curling gently skyward,
as your eyes lift to be greeted
by brilliant larimar skies.
Refractions of light dance
from your iris,
fanning in and out to soak up
as much vibrancy as their threads will allow.

Every touch is an embrace,
every sight a vision,
and every birdsong a symphony –
designed for the delight of your
tender fingers,
wide eyes,
and tiny ears.

Hello there, it’s been a minute you see.
You seen me give up on you within, when I should’ve called upon you.
To the way that you threw caution to the wind when it was something fun for you to do.
No worries, just want to know what we can do next.
Back when I didn’t care if I was annoying or a pest.
Because to be honest? Who cares? Cause I thought I was the best.
Although it may not have been true, you couldn’t tell that to me
Because I have the proof that would bring you to your knees.
Oh man, but don’t mention that to those trees, the ones that I would climb but ultimately, bring me to my knees.
Jumping out of the swings mid air just to catch that wave of adrenaline.
To toast the crunch with the cinnamon; was the best way to start the day
Then just go outside and find some play
Maybe see some of my friends in the day
Playing outside while gun shots can ring out at any moment.
Didn’t phase me one bit, until the house got hit.
Seeing the visual of what the bullet did to the window
And how it didn’t hit anyone home was a miracle.
But you still went out to play the next day.
Still ready to have a great day.
Oh little one, can you show your face to me again?
The world has shown me those scary truths you wanted to know about
Now I wish I didn’t
Because now I can’t readily access you
But I can promise, that I will try my best to come back to you.

Optimism crushed under the weight
Of life’s injustices and lies
Childlike wonder suffocates
As the world-weary soul grows wise
A tender heart turned to stone
By the world’s disapproving eyes
The inner child barely hanging on
But kindness never dies

The authentic self bound in chains,
Beaten, berated until it complies
All quirks and flaws met with disdain
Hidden under a respectable disguise
The voice of reason utters its last sound
In weak, despairing cries
The inner child broken down
But kindness never dies

Morphed and molded to society’s rules
Into something I don’t recognize
Pressured to become callous and cruel
The inner child’s inner voice defies
One childlike trait persists
Like phoenixes from ash rise
The inner child still exists
Because kindness never dies

It’s in the wind
the wildly abrupt
breaks the glass of your window
but leaves you untouched…
Except for the sound
as your chest pounds and caves
now sleeping with the echo
of the wind that made you brave.

It’s in the song
the one on repeat
memorizing notes and lyrics
caressing feelings underneath.
Behind your quiet cloak
You wore for your small world…
a volume knob on a stereo taught you how to be heard.

Pens, paint, and crayons
always in your hand
recreating what you dreamt
what you didn’t understand
With emotions hard to handle
and thoughts you can not hold
the pens, paint, and crayons
gave permission to be bold.

It’s in the flower
the first wild growth
when the snow became the meadow
and you began to roam.
The flower showed such patience
only growing if untouched…
Except by the same wind
that taught us both so much.

I Remember when your dad
Used to dress you up in the American flag
You don’t know it yet,
But you’ll still do that when you’re older
I love all your silent prayers,
How you always knew God had His angels there
And when you were sad
You let your tears land on His shoulder
I admire your undying faith
The faith that everything will always be Ok
“There’s no other option,”
You still say that to this day
And I’ve tried to resurrect your simple ways
How faith in times of trial made you brave
And pen and paper became your saving grace
Hidden in a drawer,
The words you couldn’t say
As you laid your spirit out on a page
And we’re still doing it today

You’re the flowers that grow and the water that feeds them.
You’re a breath of fresh air, never deceiving.
You speak your mind freely, unafraid of judgments.
You’re authentic and your love is abundant.
You’re always around, the reason I’m sane.
You’re a protector, you heal me from pain.
You’re strong and courageous, you stand for truth.
You’re wise and mature even though you’re my youth.

Dear Little me,

If you asked yourself what you love most about yourself, you’d have to search long and far for the answers and I’m afraid you may not ever find an answer. So instead I’ll ask the me today, what do I love most about you- I love how resilient you are. Your ability to keep living through the darkest times of your life. You were unseen and in the shadows, but you still showed up despite the overshadow. You seemed to have always known deep within that something would eventually change. Although minute after minute, day after day, month after month, year after year that shadow just appeared to get darker and darker. I love that you always had a voice and used it. That voice- it might’ve been snobby. In fact, the label you obtained along the way and eventually decided to own- ‘miss attitude’ was accurate, you had every reason to be exactly who you were. You used your voice the best way you knew how. I love that you found an outlet in writing, although along the way you lost your light due to extreme darkness. Writing is how I found my way back to you so trust me when I say that too is ok. The absence just made your heart grow fonder. I love that although you missed your daddy, you always had a deep knowing that one day you’d meet him again and that everything would eventually be ok. You subconsciously knew this, how did you know is still a tale to be told- BUT I LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU. I love how you love despite your pains, you fought to stay alive even in the moments you thought everyone would be better off without you. You fought the inner dialogue of negative thoughts that played in your mind like a playlist of your favorite songs. You still fought. You fought through being silent about being sexually abused in your most innocent years of life. You were 5 years old babydoll, how did you carry that for 20 years alone? You have no idea how proud of you I am because you not only fought that tough battle girl, you’re a heavy-weight champ. One day you have to tell the world how you made it through that battle alive. Your resilience is unbelievable, indescribable, untouchable, and most of all admirable. I’m proud of you for fighting through because just like you needed me, I needed you. I’ve only become who I am today because of you Karyll. Because of you, I am strong. I am resilient. I’m untouchable. Because of you, I believe in myself without the need for external validation. It’s actually because of you that I know what true unconditional love feels like. Because of you, I am the woman who would hold you so tight and never let you go. I’ve become that woman that would have protected you. I’ve become that woman who would be able to see you and hear your silence. I’ve become that woman who could love you despite your attitude. I became the woman who could love you- despite the dark grey clouds that created the darkest shadows over what should have been your most innocent years. Because of you, I am ‘really Karyll’. I thank you in ways that this lifetime could not extend to. I love you. I’m proud of you. You are beautiful. I love and adore your entire existence. Thank you for never giving up on us.

– Sincerely, Really Karyll

My heart feels the cusp of what simply was
Simple – that’s what it was.
The days were gone like the wind as soon as my body counted to 12.
Those memories of being young are so deeply sewn into my back pocket.
A little boy who saw the world for what it was.
A vast ocean of dreams.
Inheriting wide, wild eyes; a simple yet regal gift for the tactful of heart.
My kaleidoscope of essence shows a bright path of shapes full of color and endless possibilities.
Dancing to Music and living like Movies.
Creating scripts and sub plots to fight the urge to be mundane.
Imagination can be a seamless experience.
A tool given to those who really need it.
To think my biggest feat is by design a child’s invention- my inner child’s invention.
A world brought together through an adolescent’s view of a lifeless world.
Who am I if not the director of my own life?
My inner child creates the stroll to the coffee shop into a whimsical paradigm that enchants your every step as you progress closer to buying your gift wrapped coffee with cream and two sugars.
It’s a difference of mind over matter.
Life is worth living when your inner child makes beauty of madness.
To my younger self it was never about getting over the shadows of the world but rather learning to live with those shadows and see light intertwined in the chaos.
The idiosyncratic nature of the world.