A special thank you
A sub thanks to my mom as
A consequence of Saibree A.K.A SERMON,

You graciously accept what you need in the moment, knowing it will yield great rewards down the line. Thank you for your commitment to growth – for wanting to be a better writer, acknowledging areas for improvement, and applying feedback to become stronger, recognizing that creativity is an imperfect process.

Thank you for persevering even when you felt like giving up. Thank you for affirming yourself when others denied you. Thank you for refusing to surrender what you created, even when others claimed it as their own. Thank you for pressing on, undeterred by the calls to stop.

Despite the risk of looking foolish, you’re always eager to try new things, driven by the hope of a positive outcome and the affirmation of compliments. You find joy in appreciating the beauty in both men and women, taking delight in the beauty that is reflected back to you.

Dearest Self:

Life has been challenging these past few years, which is undoubtedly an understatement. Despite these challenges, you should be so grateful for your ability to persevere through hardship–something you learned as a child. You should be proud of your wherewithal as you show your resilience through insurmountable pain. Without those character traits, you may not be here today to share your story of what it looks like to survive AGAINST ALL ODDS.  

When the Camp Fire tore through the community of Paradise, California, on November 8, 2018, taking anything and everything in its path, including your home of 30 years, you thought that it would be the worst, most painful experience in your life. As it turned out, you were wrong. 

During the summer of 2021, your family suffered a second catastrophic fire—the Dixie Fire, which consumed your little lake house, as you call it, at Lake Almanor, California. Although you called it your lake house, your cabin was not near the lake, nor was it a traditional house. It was a refurbished mobile home constructed in the 1970s but remodeled into a cute cabin style–all the walls had tongue and groove wood throughout, with cabin-like decor in every room. It was a place where your youngest son and husband retreated after your family home burned to the ground.

Little did you know that one year later, in March of 2022, you would sustain a fall in your classroom that would drastically change your life. Eventually, your beloved teaching job ended because of the injury you suffered in your classroom.
 
Within two years of the Dixie Fire, life continued to be challenging. For some time, you dealt with a nagging cough and the feeling of breathlessness. Do you remember driving down the freeway one day after work, talking with your dearest friend from Paradise? As you spoke, she reminded you that you should see a doctor about your cough. If you were being honest about life, you had put off going to your doctor because of the ongoing chaos and, frankly, depression that you felt. During the summer of 2022, after going through a variety of tests, you were diagnosed with a progressive, irreversible, and terminal disease: Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis. 

Do you remember sitting on your patio after your doctor gave you the news? You sat there in shock. You were stunned–at that point, you expressed utter sadness that you would likely die of the same disease your father had died of. At that point in your life, you would never have guessed that a nagging cough would lead you down this path. 

That next year of life, 2023, you had to get used to attending many specialist visits–from appointments with two different pulmonologists, a cardiologist, a neurologist and a Physical Therapist. What seems just insanely unfair and tragic at the same time is that one year after receiving your IPF diagnosis, in October of 2024,  you would receive news of a second terminal illness–Progressive Supranuclear Palsy, which is a rare neurodegenerative brain disease. 

Most people you tell your story to often look at you with sorrow and amazement. They usually say something to the effect that you are a survivor. You’ve frequently shared that you are living because there is no other choice. You have the support of a fantastic husband of 38 years, two adult sons, your sisters, and several lifelong friends. Plus, you have two faithful Akita dogs to live for. You have lost your autonomy these past few years and often depend on your hubby to help you with daily tasks. You walk with a walker now–your brain is a bit slower, as are the words you speak, and your gait is a little bit wonky. Your stamina is much less these days, and you have often complained that you sleep more than you’d like to admit. 

You recently shared that although you’ve lost material possessions and (some of) your independence over the past 6 years, you’ve gained a new perspective-enjoy each day as you live it and love each person like it’s the last day you’ll spend with them. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. YOU are an example of a true fighter. As you tell anyone who wants to listen to your story, you will not go down without a fight. You will never allow fires, a severe back injury, or even two terminal illnesses to define who you are. You will continue to fight the battle until there is no fight left in you. You should be PROUD of who you have become. YOU  are a survivor, AGAINST ALL ODDS.

Remember the way you’d fold into corners,
curling like leaves just to feel
the warmth of your own breathing,
the small life you made for yourself in that space—
a fortress of playing records, and studying, and honey lattes
hands reaching for corners to make a home.

That little room, those early hours,
you were everything and everyone to yourself
but in your marrow pulsed a gentler pulse,
one that said, I have always known heartbreak.
It sang in the spaces between your breaths,
beneath your olive skin, under your flecked flesh.

Sometimes I dial your number and can’t speak
because I am here, and you are there,
separated only by years and questions, but sprawled on familiar floors—
playing records, studying, sipping honey lattes,
acquainted by heartbreak.
A little bruised, but softer for it.

There are times I wish we’d live separate lives, ask nothing, and live,
but you fashioned my path, like clay in willing hands.
So, dear self, hold on to that little room—those honey lattes,
the records that spin our stories into the air,
and every loss, a lesson carved in lines of courage—
as we continue through life—steady, hand in hand.

Dear Deaja, people don’t say this to you enough, so I decided to take some time to say it today. Thank you for everything you do for yourself and everyone around you. Girl you are tough, funny, honest and you work your ass off. How any times have stepped in for someone else, without them asking? You never stop doing the right thing, not to mention all the times you stepped up for any member of your family when they needed you the most, your awesome and you better never forget that you are. Even if no one ever tells you this again I’m going to repeat it. Thank you for being your great self and you better never stop.

Dear My Senior Self,

I hope your last year of high school is treating you well. Hopefully biomed is not too troublesome. Science has always been easy for us. Well… most of the time. I’m currently struggling with my chemistry course. College is definitely harder than high school. Ignore what our teachers say, or the idea that it gets easier.

But that is not why I’m writing to you. Last weekend, I saw him. Five months later. Him. The boy. The boy you loved so much. The boy who made you bend down laughing at his antics. The boy you could talk with for hours about life’s greatest questions and never grow tired of it. The boy who towered high above you yet was the gentlest and clumsiest person you knew. The boy you dreamed about, who made you want to show just how much he meant to you. The boy who made your heart skip a beat whenever he smiled. The boy who broke that same heart without even knowing it, over and over again. The boy you cried for. The boy you still pray for.

Thank you for loving the boy who struggled with his own demons and trusted you enough to reveal them. Thank you for patiently listening to him vent to you about the girl he never fell out of love with, oblivious to how you were absolutely dying inside with feelings you knew could never be uttered out loud. Thank you for being a good friend who remembered his birthday, even though he forgot about yours. Thank you for loving the boy who never loved you back, nor really cared about you.

You might be wondering why I do not hate you for loving that boy. Questioning why I do not resent you for losing yourself and your peace to him, only for him to willfully dismiss it or be blissfully ignorant of the pain he caused. Instead, I express my utmost gratitude. Because you loved that boy so much- you learned the cruel, cold truth at the pinnacle age of 17. You learned that falling in love with somebody, only for it to be torturous and heartbreaking the entire ride, is the only way to truly learn how to love and defend yourself.

I owe it to you, my senior self. I am no longer afraid to acknowledge a lost cause and walk away. I no longer fear the what ifs that held me back before, the things that stopped me from leaving a situation that only harms me. I have the courage to stand up and fight for myself. Because of you, I stood up to him and expressed the bottled-up pain and turmoil he brought to our “friendship.” Even that was painful, as I was forced to put my secret feelings aside to prioritize my dignity for once. Thanks to you, I will never look back and become Lot’s wife.

I ran into that boy last weekend, five months after I graduated and moved on to bigger and better things. I still thought about him. Every time I hear the Backseat Lovers, I think of him. When I saw him, the tiny sliver of me that still cares was disappointed that he seems the same… since I have changed so much in so little time. I wonder if he noticed any subtle differences in me. Whether I seem more confident and self-assured, more independent. No… probably not. Nor will he ever know about the old wounds and unspoken words towards him that I will take with me to the grave. Nor the book I started writing, nor the incredible people I have met, nor the adventures that come with starting a new chapter in my life: college.

My dear senior self… Thank you for helping me see reality and teaching me to accept it. The cold, disappointing reality that the boy you loved, the one who listened to you passionately rant about your dream to become a veterinarian someday… forgot what college you are attending. And deep down, you know he also forgot the words he said to you that December night, in the church kitchen. When he said he could see the excitement in your eyes when you talked about your future.

So… Thank you. Thank you for choosing to love the boy who only hurt you. For showing me the consequences of being blinded by love, so I will never experience them again. For showing me at such an early age when to move on and walk away without regrets. For teaching me to accept reality so my heart can no longer be hurt. Thank you for loving that boy. The boy who rewired our heart.

With Love from the Future,
Elena Mendonsa

Once a girl was given a smile
The girl loved her smile
she took it with her everywhere
shared it with everyone who looked her way
she even tucked it in with her at night.
She shared it with her mother when she found her crying
With her friends who stayed at school longer then they should have
The hungry dog she finds in the ally
The scary man who stares at her a bit too long
The cat lady across the street
Her brothers with their broken in shoes
The man on the sidewalk holding a sign
Her Barbies and teddy bears
She loved her smile so much she learned how to smile not with just her Lips but her eyes and voice too.
She smiled with her voice when her father called from “camp” where’d he’d been for some time
She smiled at her bullies when they pushed her down because she knew they didn’t mean it, they were just upset they didn’t have a smile of their own, but that was okay she would just share hers.
She turned her smile into a party trick that she saved for when the room got too loud .
At some point she understood that some people would make the room loud just to see it, but that was okay because it just meant they also didn’t have a smile of their own and she was happy to share.
Soon this young girl becomes a woman and learns that her smile no longer is a gift but a weapon
She uses her smile to defend herself against all the scary things that come her way
When her father never comes home from the hospital
When she learns that alcohol has long term side effects
When the love of her life says it’s not me it’s you
When her test comes back positive
When she gets fired from the high paying job
When no one shows up to her graduation
When she finds out the hero and the nice guy are not always the same person
When she’s referred to as strong and resilient before she understands why
When she doesn’t recognize the crying girl in her reflection
The woman In her starts to think perhaps the smile was never a gift or a weapon or a party trick but a burden that just always felt to heavy to put down
So she tries but her smile remains plastered to her face even when her eyes and voice gave up trying a long time ago .
She tries to set it down only to find
another broken stranger looking for a light,
a light that she knows only her smile can give. So again she shares her crooked smile for no other reason than knowing that a stranger needed a smile and she had one to share.
However this time the stranger smiled back to her she dropped to her knees crying ,
in all the years of sharing her smile this was the first time someone smiled back at her and she was reminded
the gift was never her smile but being someone who was capable of smiling
So the woman rose from her knees and held her head up high and proudly flaunted her smile as she praised the heavens for having a smile to share.

Thank you for not giving up on us. I’m so glad you kept growing and going. Despite heartbreaks and headaches, you left it all behind and started fresh to provide a better life for yourself and your children. What the enemy meant for your destruction; you were able to construct into something good. Although it’s been a long, rocky road, we’ve persevered, and now we can finally exhale.

You’ve turned obstacles into stepping stones and transformed pain into purpose. You found strength in moments when giving up seemed like the easier path; instead, you continued to press forward. And for that, I thank you.

For every tear you’ve shed, every time you scraped together coins to make ends meet, and every moment of self-doubt after adults abused your trust you crafted something beautiful out of those hard moments. The way you’ve chosen to show up, despite it all, amazes me. You embraced healing even when it felt uncomfortable, and in doing so, you’ve become a beacon of light for others.

So, here’s to you for keeping your heart open when it wanted to close, for showing love when it would have been easier to hate, and for never letting anyone or anything define your worth. You’ve built a life full of purpose, intention, and grace. You didn’t just survive you thrived.

And there’s so much more ahead. Keep trusting yourself, because you’ve got this.

Love you, girl!

Hugs and kisses,

Your inner child

Thank you for allowing me to express myself
At the age of the trauma moments i did not know what to do
I would brush things to the side and store it in a closet
The closet was closed until i started to become more aware of self
Who am i ? where nobody else is looking
My true self the one who finally seeks professional help
I understood as a young man independent , the oldest of 3 that would do everything him self now broken down and could not do it by myself
Writing poetry at 12 until 21 and at age 33 in 2023 i came back to writing after a decade of not writing
Since then so many stages
So many tears of joy finally seeing that inner child in me smile
Cheers to that little body who was scared to say i am scared , i want a hug
I just wanted to be loved with no conditions
Without feeling like it was transactional the growth i’ve seen in myself i could not even imagined
This is letter is not only for the younger me but to the younger you
You are more than able and capable to be who ever you want to be
Lift the trauma bookbag and take that leap sheshh
Look how far i’ve come after removing that lagguage off of me

Dear Amberlee,

Take a moment to breathe and reflect on everything you’ve faced and how far you’ve come. You’ve journeyed through storms that most people would have struggled to survive, let alone rise above. Yet here you are, stronger and wiser, with a life that bears the mark of your resilience.

Remember those long, terrifying nights during the darkest days of domestic violence, when every moment felt like walking on broken glass. You kept going, even when it felt impossible, because deep down, you knew you deserved better. Leaving wasn’t easy, but you did it. And you didn’t stop there—you took the pain, the memories, and turned them into something powerful. You wrote about your experiences, using your voice to give strength to others. Now, you’re not just a survivor; you’re an advocate, an author who’s helping others find their way out of the shadows.

And then there was homelessness, another trial that seemed endless. There were days when it felt like every door was shut and every path blocked. But you never stopped pushing forward. You found a way, even when the odds were against you, building a path for yourself and your family. You didn’t just survive—you thrived. Through remote work and careful planning, you saved and strategized until you could buy your first home. It wasn’t just a roof over your head; it was proof of your determination, a testament to your refusal to let your past define your future.

Amberlee, you’ve proven over and over that you are relentless, hardworking, and resilient. You’ve faced every hardship head-on, and with each step, you’ve built a life that reflects your courage. Not only have you protected and provided for your family, but you’ve also shown them the power of perseverance. Today, as you look at where you are, remember to give yourself credit for every ounce of energy, every late night, and every choice to keep moving forward.

So here’s to you—the woman who didn’t give up. The mother who overcame. The author who now gives others a voice. Be proud of your journey, and be grateful for the strength that has carried you through every challenge. You deserve every bit of peace and pride in your heart.

With all the love and gratitude,

Amberlee

TO. My Younger Self

Dear Roxanne,

The time has come to write to you regarding the impact of the challenges faced and are ahead. It seems since our mom decided that she needed space from us, her five children’s life has surely been hard. Even though meals were scarce, and baths were far and in between we were all together. I believe that I mentally blocked this part of our lives. For I don’t remember anything before this. We were now placed in the system of the Department of Economic Security. The Division for Child Protective Services now orchestrated our lives and luckily family members and friends stepped up to claim us.
Fortunately, the kind elderly lady, who you were very fond of living across the street, opened her doors to you. She had helped feed all of us when mom could not provide and now, she was stepping in to be guardian over your life. Life was moving along and at times mom would show up and check on you. You were growing up now and began to excel in school and at sports. After all, you had a bed to lay in at night and every meal was provided, including when at school. This lady loved her community and people and opened her to many people. This is where life changed for you and the great challenge that formed the woman you became and are today.
A family friend moved in, an older gentleman known to the area and knew your mom as well. He saw that you were growing older and would state from time to time how pretty you are and were going to be. The flow came that summer and the body changes began to change from little girl to young woman especially in the chest area. He recognized this and began to secretly comment about them. The discomfort you felt and fear that set in when you were left alone in his presence. Yet, you told no one out of fear that no one would believe, or this could disrupt the home graciously gifted. Thankfully sports kept you away from home most days and some days there was no appearance of him.
The dreadful day that caused so many challenges ahead had come and life took a drastic turn. You were alone in your room, just straightening up and he quietly appeared behind you. He had shut the door behind him and blocked you from moving toward it and safety. You could feel his breath on your neck and instantly he grabbed your face and slipped his hand under your blouse. He turned your face and began to kiss your face and onto your lips aggressively. Your heart rate was so high, and fear caused you to whimper, and this caused him to release and flee from the room. You were only twelve years old now and a grown man was interested in molesting you. The challenge caused you to form ideas for creating more distance between him and staying away from more than usual. It was noticed and finally a grown-up (your mother) asked for your welfare. And without hesitation you spoke of the instances that had led to him finally groping and kissing on the mouth. Your mother was upset and went and discussed it with the guardian and assured you he would be handled. Yes, it was handled drastically by an uncle who had an issue with this man sleeping with his wife. Yes, there was a gun involved, brief hospitalization and jail but most importantly this man was never seen again. Months later, this uncle ( after being released from jail) gave assurance this man would never touch or harm you again.
The challenges of your youth went from an absent parent to being molested by a family friend. Yet, life went on and you were an Honor Roll Student, awarded athlete and great participant in your local church and other community entities. So, to you I say, keep pressing forward life has many challenges. Yes, Roxanne, there will be setbacks, losses (great losses) and hardships as well. Believe me, there were times when you felt broken, abandoned and suicidal. But in the end, you did overcome the childhood challenges to become the woman lively and vibrant today. Let me tell you this, time revealed that your name is really Roxanna.

Take care always, Roxanna

November 4, 2024

Oh, my once wild darling,

I know things have never looked the way we had hoped or imagined. I see the weariness you hold up with your shoulders, the neck tension and pain a physical representation of the trials we have faced. As I walk, I feel the scar tissue in your hips from the braces you wore as an infant, feet turning slowly back out over time. I often trace your c-section scar, numb as it is, remembering the twenty-four hours of labor that preceded it. Lately as I do so, I weep as I long to hold my now-deceased son. Silently, and sometimes with screams unstifled, I curse childhood brain cancer and the God I can no longer believe in, all at once.

Then, after caressing and cursing, I see you rise again. I see you holding on to life with the sheer strength of your will. I see you roll your throbbing shoulders and stiff neck, and with all the weight you carry, you pick your chin up. I see the way you slowly unravel your body from the bed that has held you for hours, and slide into something less comfortable. I see you wipe the tears from your eyes and even have the gall to put on mascara. I see the way you greet your daughter with a smile each day when she gets home.

Oh, brokenhearted momma, I see you be brave, refusing to be broken. I see the softness you carry even in your pain, the love that remains despite it all. You stand up, day after day, finding a way to move forward, honoring him in every step. You are beauty forged in fire, a mother who loved deeply and a woman who keeps choosing life.

And I love you for it.

Forever in awe of you,
Me

Dear Mars, my girl…

It’s been a tough 26 years, huh?
Your biological mother was on drugs and drinking for seven months of her pregnancy with you and had five abortions before you.
Your biological father was in prison, also on drugs when he came out, and the abuse toward you? Physical, sexual, and mental. Only a monster is capable of that.

How are you?

I know you were adopted by your grandparents, who raised you. You called them Mom and Dad. That was an easy transition, but wait… wasn’t your dad diagnosed with cancer? And when he passed, didn’t your mother give up on you and the routines that kept you “normal”? Didn’t she become abusive herself? Calling you names, telling you you were just like your biological father, her son, who you once saw beat her within an inch of her life? How tragic, the person who was supposed to love you… saying such nasty, cruel things. You were compared to the person who abused you… you aren’t him. You were never him. No matter what she said.

Dad’s cancer was rough, and losing him was a lot rougher. You got that tattoo, though. Only one still, huh? Yeah, figures. Even though you weren’t granddad turned dad and granddaughter turned daughter by blood, you took after him. Maybe that’s why Mother sometimes used you as an emotional crutch.

You’re an adult now. A mid-twenties adult at that! After trying to take your life thrice and beating the odds of being your parents… you managed to make it further than I expected. And I’m grateful for you.

I’m grateful that you’re still curious.
I’m grateful that you still believe in love.
I’m grateful that you’re still hopeful.

You still want to help people by telling your story, no matter the mistakes you make or the times you fail. You believe you could be working to “fail” more, but you’re working at your pace. Keep going.

You still want to inspire, entertain, and make people smile.

I’m grateful you are still here. Life hasn’t been easy, and it hasn’t been easy for anyone, but you’re hopeful that people, humanity, and love remain and that light reigns.

I’m grateful for you because your story is one of millions that has already helped people more than you know.

Mars… I’m grateful for you.
Keep being you.

Thank you for the kindness shown,
For every cheer as I’ve grown,
For moments big and those so small,
You’ve lifted me through it all.

From lessons learned and paths unknown,
To seeds of strength that you’ve sown,
With each step I’ve found my way,
Held by support day by day.

In every triumph, every fall,
Your belief has stood so tall,
A guiding light, a steady hand,
Helping me to bravely stand.

So here’s my thanks, from heart to pen,
For helping me to rise again,
In gratitude, these words I share,
For the love you always bear.

I am grateful for you,
for every sunrise you rise to meet,
for each step you take toward dreams,
even when the night felt endless,
and hope was dim.

Thank you, for every quiet moment
you chose kindness over blame,
for how you held steady
when the storms came,
and trusted your strength to carry you through.

You work so hard,
building a life with bare hands,
molding your future
from lessons and losses,
from grit and grace.

I am grateful for your courage,
the way you’ve let wounds heal into wisdom,
the way you face fear and wear it down,
your voice growing stronger
with every hardship you’ve turned into growth.

You are resilience in motion,
a story of perseverance
that unfolds with each new chapter.
Thank you for believing in possibility,
for becoming someone you’re proud to be.

And as you journey forward,
know that I am grateful for every choice
that’s led you here,
to a life of purpose, strength, and joy—
to a life that is uniquely yours.

Dear Justin Barnes,

Please understand the intent of this letter, as it is not to come off egotistic. However, my best internal desire is to thank you for who you are. Thank you for changing your life around and giving love a chance. Thank you for taking the risks you deemed too risky to take. Thank you for having that hunger and drive to improve yourself and prove that you can benefit society. Thank you for your hard work and resilience in working with patients daily. Thank you for becoming a nurse and working in the intensive care unit, which would be a passion you enjoy. Thank you for trying to fix all the problems that you can. Thank you for trying to listen and be empathetic when you are not perfect at it. Thank you for being brave to trust and have children with the love of your life. Thank you for admitting your faults in prayer. Thank you for your failures, as you may learn from them. Thank you for realizing your faults and desiring to be better. Thank you for knowing how to say “sorry.” Thank you for sacrificing your mental and physical energies to provide for your family and assisting in pursuing opportunities for your family. Thank you for attempting to take time for your family, even if it is hard on some days. Thank you for staying late at work and being by that patient in the most challenging times of their lives.
Thank you for giving your mind, soul, and body to figure out your patient and family’s problems. Thank you for helping your coworkers and listening to their ideas. Thank you for taking the risks of buying a home in which the economy has been unable to optimize for a family. Thank you for caring for yourself and seeking care at the doctor when possible. Thank you for continuing to pursue your education despite the hardships it brings. Thank you for working full-time while being at school. Thank you for trying your best to help as much as possible around the house. Thank you for trying to keep your connections as strong as you can.
Thank you for having your peers and friends in this world. Thank you for attempting to be fair regarding arguments. Thank you for always being there for your loved ones during challenging times. Thank you for enduring all your trauma in your past and dedicating your life not to pass it on to your children. Thank you for loving your father and mother even if they were imperfect. Thank you for realizing that you are not perfect, nor will you be the best, but you desire to be a better version of yourself every day. Thank you for helping others in need, even if you do not know them outside of work or family. Thank you for voting, even if you believe the statistics won’t add much. Thank you for being spiritual and hopeful for a better future. Thank you for praying as much as you can in this world.
Most of all, thank you for not giving up or giving in to the dark urges of your past, which would have most likely led to a premature end to your potential and the changes you can bring.
Thank you for being you, Sincerely, yourself.