Fear, old friend,

I have known you better than any lover, better than any hope or possibility. You have held my hand every time I’ve turned away from what I should have done. You’ve stood boldly at my side as I hesitated to do what I knew I had the ability to do.
You must be my lover, for your advice has kept me at a safe distance from the women I’ve tried to love. I know your songs, your jests, your laughter. I notice myself being held in your arms every time I say, “I can’t.”
You have much perseverance and confidence, always aching to step forward and take center stage. You have always been the voice I have listened to when I doubt myself and others.
Certainly, you must be a part of God, for I see you in the eyes of men everywhere—do you for them what you do for me?
Fear, you’ve helped me make decisions which I have lived to regret, but don’t worry, I will still take your advice, and so will others.
So here’s to you, old friend, for after all, where would I be without you?

INSIGHT: If you seek to overcome your fear, then focus more on where you seek to go–and listen not–to the voice that’s telling you it’s ok to be where you are.

Eric Sander Kingston
wishonwisdom.com

Dear forgetfulness,

I would say I’m a very sentimental person. I’ve tried squeezing the goodness from every moment. I morph into a sponge, soaking up each bit and particle of every lasting minute. I let the sweetness of the presence simmer on my tongue. I bask in the luxury of the present until it’s gone and turns into a memory. Inside jokes, casual conversations, and simple smiles are likely forgotten by others, but they are things I preserve.

My life hasn’t always been worth savoring, and sometimes as I live in the present, I try to fast forward through time. Reliving the fond memories I’ve made gets me through the hard times.

Life moves in the motion of frequency waves; sometimes I hit the trough. I reminisce on the times I had, clinging onto them with the entirety of my willpower. I fantasize about the past, begging the universe to make my memories tangible and allow my existence in them once again. To meet with that person once again. Relive that happiness. Feel as powerful as I once was.

To forget every memory I have is my greatest fear.

Humans aren’t born the person they are today, or at least that’s my opinion. Yes, you may be born with a personality, or your brain’s wiring may be predetermined at birth. But the experiences an individual has and the memories they create also mold them into the sculpture of their being. As humans experience life, they attach a fragment of every experience onto themselves and create a shell around them that other humans see and interact with. Is the shell who I am, or is it concealing my true being? I think that both apply to me, although I might be wrong. But I know one thing, it’s that the shell is a collection of experiences I have undergone, the good and the ugly.

Perhaps this is why I am fearful of forgetting– who would I be without my memories? How could I seek comfort if I had nothing to look back on?

Total amnesia terrifies me. I see it all the time in movies, when the main character wakes up from a coma and doesn’t know the first thing about themselves. It frightens me to one day wake up and to forget all the people I’ve met, all the things I’ve done and accomplished. Although this scenario isn’t realistic or likely, it is possible and the “what-if” of it all haunts me, because I cherish memories the same way I cherished my teddy bear when I was a child. I hold on to them and I hope I never outgrow them.

What brings me comfort is knowing that even if I forget my memories, I will still be remembered by others. I have to learn to accept that I cannot control forgetting, but if I forget an experience, it will still live in the mind of someone else. And maybe, hopefully, that person holds onto the memory as tightly as I do.

Chloe S.

Style Score: 87%

Hey Rach,

“What scares you the most?”

I would rattle off answers as quickly as I could think of them: spiders, being buried alive, small spaces and not being able to touch the bottom if I’m in the ocean. I would list all the normal things because I wasn’t ever ready for the deeper conversation about the time I realized I was truly afraid of death, of dying alone, dying by my own hands. The type of fear where you freeze and can’t make a sound, thinking about the unknown and what comes after. The possibility of absolutely nothing, and the uncertainty in everything we do; could this be the last thing we ever do?

I had a moment of peace, where I took what felt like the first deep breath I’d taken in months. I closed my eyes and felt the grass beneath my hands. In a split second, the thing that scared me the most was knowing I had to face my fears. To be brutally honest. Honesty where it might actually have been easier to tear my own heart out of my chest with nothing but my bare hands and my fingernails that were bitten down to nothing.

The things I had to say: “I don’t want to die like this,” and “Please just fix me,” and of course, the hardest one being “I know I need help.”

Sit still, and breathe deeply. Let your anxiety travel from your brain to your shoulders, down your arms and out through your fingertips. Focus on breathing and simply just existing. Take a minute and don’t think about the things that brought you here. Just inhale and exhale and don’t think about how your name could be the next one spoken: “Tell us why you’re here.”

How I ended up where I am is a long, chaotic story that I would tell out of order and apologize repeatedly for talking too fast, but I would remember all the tiny details. Every single choice I made brought me to the next place that I was meant for; on and on until there was only one option that made sense. I don’t have regrets, because I know I was meant to survive. To face the feelings that I kept stuffing down into the deepest part of my soul, hoping they wouldn’t ever resurface.

“I’m here because I was too afraid not to be. I needed to see what comes next. I am worlds stronger than my worst fears; they won’t ever win.”

(Style score 84%)

I fear them, the unknow, the what if. I fear my mind, for it likes to drift.
Inside I screamed, and fought, this dark abyss inside my thought.
Trauma has always haunted my past, and if I dwell too long, it’s sure to last
I fear my bed, my body’s exhausted, I don’t rise for days, until I’m unfrosted.
What is life and why was I made; I fear the need to know before I fade.
Everything on earth wasn’t made to last, but damn, why does it go so fast.
With every passing white knuckled day, I feel my time withering away.
Like the sand in the hourglass, time ticks on and is sure to pass.
I fear the thought of being alive, but even worse what if I die.
I know the pain of losing a loved one, once they’re gone, it can’t be undone.
One day too, I’ll say goodbyes, and I hope that day, no one cries.
I fear as though I am just a drone, and that is why I fear the unknown.
A different mask every day, just hoping maybe, one will stay.
To understand and love oneself, then maybe I can put fear upon the shelf.
To live in the light of each day and keep the darkness at bay.

Dear, Fear of Love

Something dragged me from you the moment I left my body. It may seem tragic to the world that I felt such fear traveling in a universe alone without you. When I left my body, you swept up my soul and carried it with you, my memory and light in hand. My mind ran so fast that I could hardly catch up and when I did, I started my life new. Another happiness I was not expecting.

When I think of dying, I think of perfection, not knowing that it’s actually love that seeks me so badly. This is the reason I ran through hell so fast. In the depths of hell, heaven caught me by surprise. I caught a little piece of heaven with another soul survivor. So I guess in all honesty I fear Love. The defeat of love frightens me, as does the love I currently possess. Can I move on with my life and leave you behind? Do I hold on to your memory in fleeting moments? If there was ever a crystal ball that conveys what I should do, I would not use it. The surprise of of the sweetness would pass me by.

So I will sit in the heaven I have now with my other half in this life. Fear of losing what I have weighs on me with a heaviness.

Since I adore surprises, I’ll stay with my loved ones in this paradise. You are always a part of who I am.

Sincerely, Love in abundance

Style Score 100

PHOBOS

Dear Phobos,

I felt you trickle down my spine like the first heat wave of the summer sun’s rays.

The same warmth that kissed my pale flesh in the morning glow in every year since my birth.

I sensed your lingering touch like that of my mother’s lips against my brow, as she checks to see the rhythm of my chest.

I taste your sweet wonders with every bite of ripe fruit, decadent chocolate.

I see you my wife’s eyes every night before we fall asleep. Her soft voice, a siren’s call to my dreams, luring me into rest. Another second closer to the eternal end.

Phobos is my friend. He is my father, carrying me to bed as a child again. Phobos is my steady hum of music in the air. Phobos is my friend in a new body, showing me the wonders of life and thereafter.

My Phobos, my fear is to forget.

I fight this fear daily. With every moment I gain, I lose another second of life. I am not afraid of death. I am not afraid of life. I am afraid to forget the memories and moments I created, so I make more and more hoping that I will forget…

My fear

(T) 100% style score

Dear Self-Doubt,
I hope this letter reaches you at your worst, I know you remember me. I refuse to begin this letter with warmth and love. There are no season greetings to be received because there was no joy or celebration when you were around. The cloud of darkness you had invited on my journey, without my authorization had made my vision almost blurry. Self-doubt you sat on my shoulders weighing me down like an animal chained to the floor. You’d constantly force my head to turn in the direction you saw fit but, for yourself. Selfishly you’d push my well-being to the side just so you could shine causing my once vibrant light to become dim. You’ve shut the doors on my ideas leaving me on the other side franticly looking for the knob to break free, but you destroyed the handle causing my creativity to grow cold and my ideas to scatter across the floor. The opportunities that I knew I could have, that I should have!

Wait…I don’t see why I am even writing this. I know with my temperament I should take it easy, but I just had to let you know self-doubt you’ve had me stuck for so long. I blame myself for it all, you were my solace. Welcoming you in thinking that there would be some type of benefit, but the only gain was loss of self. I began thinking it was something normal, I had already accepted my fate. I was willing to let my dreams die because I feared you. The dark cloud you walked around with you locked it in the room with me and so it remained. It was fixated on me while I glared at the door hoping you’d come back to save me like you did before, but this time you didn’t.

Like a caged bird I needed to break free; I needed that light to shine on me even if it meant shining on me for the last time. Self-doubt you kept doubting my ability to be accepting of change. Unbeknownst to you I had a trick up my sleeve, I knew your weakness. I knew you’d try to convince me that it was safer to stay hidden and put, but this time I promised myself I wouldn’t believe you. My resilience still hadn’t failed me at that moment, so I took the chance. I didn’t give you enough time to alter my train of thought. I reclaimed my spot as the conductor. That’s when I realized how small you were, I was sure I could make it through this journey without you. Self-doubt, you only mattered as much as I let you. At that moment I realized you mattered nothing to me at all. That dark cloud became the smoke I left behind because I was now stations ahead refusing to look back. You were now left all alone like you had me. My creativity and ideas danced their way back and I promised them that doubt would never play a part in the making of myself ever again.

Self-doubt I no longer fear you, I haven’t for a long time now. But, without you, I wouldn’t have known the strength I harbored. There is so much beauty in my mind and the creativity that flows through my fingers is something magical I wish you could see it, but then again, I don’t. It took me allowing you to bring me to my lowest for me to realize that I could no longer allow you to alter the outcome of my success. Self-doubt I do not wish you well, but I thank you. Just so I don’t forget there is no address or phone number for us to keep in touch because you don’t deserve that, you never did. I want you to read this letter and be engulfed with guilt and regret. I know this letter will play tug of war with your peace, for a fact you will lose, there’s no doubt of that.

Yours Truly

!This letter contains harsh language!

To My Uncertainty,
Fuck you, you don’t control me. I have waded through oceans of doubt before and come out stronger. The seeds that you plant in my beautiful garden only wither and die because roots cannot take hold because of the tending I have so carefully done to let these blooms thrive.
To My Anxity,
You can also kindly fuck off. There is nothing for me to worry about because though every thing life has given me, I have only learned to adapt and do better. How to care for myself when feelings of being unloved and unlovable consume me. When I feel like I am a failure and a burden to though around me — Though I know I am not. That I can lean on my family and friends to carry me through the hard times. That I can try new things and be excited and not fearful of failure.

I don’t fear. I expect someone to judge me for how I look, act, using my mobility aid (or not). My fear manifests as your anxiety, a stronger, more powerful fear. It isn’t how can I overcome it’s how can I manage and push forward. You have been a part of me all my life. In ways, I thank you for protecting me, but now it is time to FUCK OFF. I want to live my life. Going out with my boyfriend and connecting with the monster drag community is something I want to do. I want to work on my writing and not wonder will spend all that money and a very stressful two years worth it.
You know Alicia very well and I think you like her because you let me tell her about things. I remember when that wasn’t quite the case. We have grown, but there is so much more we can do this year. Like, next month for the Monsters in the Making drag show. We can absolutely kill it, you heard Churb and the others. I am a born performer there is nothing to worry about and there will be so many people there
cheering me on. Use the fear to work that stage.
Writing is a more side thing, but there is this book. It’s only a quarter way done. I want to finish it. I think it is really good but anxiety gets in the way and says I need to have something steady to make money. My head is my worst enemy. I love writing. I know I can make a good story, but a first book doesn’t pay student $48,000 of student loans. But fuck getting a 9-5, Dolly said it best. “They never give you credit” I have worked so many jobs not getting the recognized like I should and writing will let me get that. Plus, it is a creative outlet for the millions of crazy ideas in my head.

Anxiety, I know, can help me get to my goals. It’s not just a bad thing, it’s a survival tool we all have. The key to meeting goals and overcoming intense fears is transforming anxiety from enemy to friend. Medication and a good therapist also help a lot too. It is also challenging to lean into change with anxiety and ADHD; consistency helps calm the mind. With the help of Alicia, I have been more willing to go out and try new things, more so now than in the past. Especially after losing my last job. “I trust fear. Fear exists for one purpose: to be conquered.” – Capt. Janeway.
I often find myself thinking of this and the one quote by Teddy Roosevelt, but I like Captain Janeway better. She is a kick ass woman of a starship who beat the Borg and got her crew through unknown space. She wasn’t afraid to run into the battle for the sake of her crew and, just overall, she’s a badass. I want to be more like her.

Ilkanic
They/them
Style score: 81%
—

The unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. It sounds so matter of fact and easy to avoid. But most humans, not all, live most of their life based on fear. It is a sad fact that we rarely examine in our own lives unless we have suffered enough in order to do so.

Fear is one of the most potent emotions that may either paralyze humankind or drive us toward evolution and change. I currently want to choose the higher roads. I’ll admit that there are still things I do that are anxiety-driven, and I am destined never to be pure perfection. However, from my standpoint, failure or forfeiture is not an option. It never should have been that way, but sometimes people quit, give in, or just collapse.

Anyhow, my fears won’t win anymore. They will always exist, but once you can differentiate rational vs. non rational and persevere through obstacles in your life, you become more powerful. Confidence, clarity and mindfulness can go a long way. I hand my fears over to something greater and more powerful than myself daily. It keeps me humble and reliant on my faith.

I now own a metaphorical tool belt and toolbox. It comes with me everywhere I go. I add more and more tools to it as life goes along. Things that used to be baffle me beyond control, or cripple me, are now being handled with more ease. Things that I would never attempt, I’m now doing. Not only am I doing, I’m accomplishing.

With my tool collection, motivation, and consistency, I’m on the path towards tranquility and a greater degree of happiness than ever before. I don’t plan on reversing my ways now. So, after all the torture for so many years, I won’t mourn you. I will only remember you so I can explore further into the depths of my soul. I won’t cry for you or miss you. Will only think of you, then dismiss you! For now, goodbye fear.

Facing the Fear That Drove Me
I do not remember when you first arrived in my life. Sometime between the death of my mother and the first time my father beat me, you took up residence in my rib cage. My protector, you swept in—deigning to save me from a punishing world where those who should have loved me stole my safety and dignity for the smallest of mistakes. I want to invite you to explore a new world with me.
I have so much compassion for you, Fear. We were six years old and trying to save my life, keep belts off my skin, keep my bones in all their rightful places. That was too big a task. After all, you were only a child. We have been carrying that weight all these years.
Since your arrival, you have been the hardest worker I have ever known, immersing yourself in the endless pursuit of being good—good enough. To achieve this, you developed rigorous standards by scrutinizing our environment—books, conversations, and examples—to determine who I needed to be. You made creative decisions to help me meet your standards. Rest was never an option—no days spent snuggling under the covers in bed.
I see how you believed in my ability to improve, grow, and, in doing so, become safe.
Thank you for your relentless dedication to keeping us safe. Your vigilance was born in a time when even the smallest mistakes had devastating consequences—when safety, food, and dignity were bartering chips.
When you came into my life, minor mistakes could jeopardize our safety—our bones, food, and identity—by those who should have loved us. You were only a child, so you believed them when they said that working harder would set us free and being better would keep us safe. You remain frozen in that place of trauma, still fighting battles that no longer exist. But while you have fought without rest, I have grown. It’s time for me to take the reins and chart a fresh path for both of us.
I know the truth now–nothing we did could have made us safer. When the world wants to hurt you, nothing you do can prevent that. Life doesn’t require avoiding or defeating every evil. The beauty, the fun, and the love exist despite the darkness and the pain.
My friend, you fear ceding your role, but I can keep us safe in more constructive ways these days. I’m not asking you to leave, Fear, but to transform. Your vigilance has served its purpose; now it can help us create something beautiful together.
The thread connecting me to my father, his monstrosity, and his humanity, is you, a product of his fallible human self. It’s time to release this thread, this legacy of fear passed down through generations.
It’s time to let you rest and take on a new role—one that turns us toward the sun, to the beauty and peace already around us. A role where you still search, scan, and look, but now use your creativity to help me thrive.
The new title: The Persistent Pursuit of Joy. I want you to seek the moments in life made of sweetness, brightness, and abundance—like the sun on my skin, my grandmother holding my hand as she tells me she loves me, or my husband kissing my forehead while I sleep. Use your creativity to find more joy, ease, and love. Place me in the sunshine so I can open my ribcage and fill my whole chest with the warm glow. Help me notice the beauty I’ve overlooked while trapped in the past.
Through your relentless protection, I survived, but through letting you evolve, I will thrive. Fear—or should I call you your new name, Pursuit—I am so excited to embark on this new journey with you.
Together, we will lie down the burdens of the past and step into a life filled with joy, peace, and possibility.

Style Score: 100%, Spelling 100%, Grammar 100%

For 23 years I have been a lube tech and I have been a REALLY GOOD ONE, I have been driven and focused and Was told I’m REALLY GOOD, but I wanted more for my family and I knew when I started this I could do more but I would find a REASON to not move up and my Mom encouraged me and NOW my wife has INSPIRED ME, well after my mom passed away and a job I thought I could do backfired , after 24 years I’m going back to where I started but this time as PDI TECH, and I’m not going to Lie, I’m scared, but My wife and now Angel momma inspiring me, I have ONE LAST RUN in me and I’m going to make my family ALL PROUD of me, but MOSTLY MYSELF, IM GOING TO MAKE MYSELF PROUD and I WILL WIN AND I WILL WIN.PH4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me

I stand battered and bruised just for a moment. Turn to face my reality from where I just came. To stare at a monstrous land. A landscape full of dark, gnarly woods. Swamps of tar that boil and sputter. Thorns are ready to pierce the flesh. Full of shadowy creatures that lie to grab anyone in their path.

This land that I have created from an enormous imagination. For my fears give it fuel to thrive. Fears through every stage of life. One fear from childhood is of not being loved. Where it was said three magic little words. There was no amount of action behind those words. All in extreme opposite of your loving home.

A fear from adolescence is of abandonment. Have been denied in public and denounced as a daughter. My grandmother who gave her last breath. Being left behind and all alone. Another would simply be atelophobia. Multiple regrets as the past rears its ugly head from young adulthood. The most gut wrenching fear is losing my sanity again. Where all my nightmares come to play with me. My fears rule supreme in my very core.

Fear generates its evil intent. To destroy peace of mind, even your self-worth. How is it? That I have made it thus far? I must truly appreciate my family and trusted friends. Who shown me a love that I can trust. To those who were patient with me. Strangers that were kind. Loved ones who saw my struggle but believed in me. I must not let them down. Fight instead of flight just to be whole.

My faith has always given me hope. A hope that overcomes the fear and stills my pounding heart. By realizing my truth. That I am no longer a victim but a survivor of circumstance. Noticing events were out of my control. I stopped blaming myself. Determination was a major player in taking back my power.

As I look back over that treacherous terrain. I realized how I managed fear through it all. By carrying on my journey through life. I turn away to face a gargantuan mountain called healing. Towards an astonishing new horizon. My journey from this point onward begins anew.

Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind
In all this world leave all behind
In faintest whispers the promise speaks
To haunt the mind when the heart is weak

Where love and loss collide and crash
And aching torment forever dashed
Against desperate cries in the broken soul
No respite found the longing grows

A slate wiped clean no more to hear
In constant dreams to shed that fear
In sight of tears cascading free
The reminder gone no more to see

Erase the thoughts to free the soul
The ties that bind the sadness whole
In all this world leave all behind
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

my fear of you is healthy, keeps me sharp
and on alert— a safety net crocheted
by love, not purled with ego’s tattered tarps.

Stay.

I shall not wish this faithful fear away.

Its selfless patterns form organic art,
each line, each curve depicting chances weighed—
a fleeting thrill, or pieces of my heart
protected by the risks I do not take.

For them, I’d bleach my neon yarnscape soul.

The Machu Picchu steps I need not see,
nor paradisal nuclear atolls—
for if adventure wove my earthly leave,
who’d treble stitch my family’s gaping holes
to safeguard from the frostbite of their grief?

Style Score: 100%

My fear began the moment I uttered the words that I’m pregnant.
My life was always filled with instability but when you were involved, it was stable.
My pregnancies were never good so I didn’t expect this one to be any different however, you were always my hero.
You see I went through them all by myself without any support.
But you were my best friend who guided me and held me up through my toughest moments,
So I didn’t expect you to be like them and leave me wandering lost and confused.
When our bond started to break then I started questioning my self worth.
I also started questioning if I was failing you as your lady.
A home isn’t always four walls.
A home can sometimes be two eyes and a heartbeat.
You were my home and knowing that I had part of you growing inside of me and you pulling yourself away from me,
I started to feel broken and homeless.
Time has passed and I just want it all back.
Things aren’t as easy but they are better.
You still give me butterflies and your kisses at the end of the day are the best.
Our daughter is so attached to you and our kids want this to work because they were the happiest when we were all a family.
But I’m in fear of being abandoned again as we are working on our relationship.
I love you so much and have loved you since we were kids.
That won’t ever change.
The love will continue to grow just like my fear will.