Dear Shiba,
Everything about you is inspiring to me. I look up to your spirit. You were beautiful and carefree. Careful to not run with the wrong crowd and caring to those around you. Who needed an in-crowd when the Earth, ancestors and your family surrounded you?
You weren’t allowed to run around without shoes, but you always took them off to ground yourself in the soil, especially when it rained. You carried a peaceful spirit in your aura.
Through the times when life wasn’t very kind, you did your best to smile and shine. Nothing could stop you. You were so resilient and bounced back from everything. Your smile lit up rooms and your laughter could be heard everywhere.
Naturally, you were a nurturer. You cared for your younger sister consistently, as to not let anything happen to her. You were her protector and when she hurt, you wiped her tears. You loved the innocence in babies and animals, and your protection for them remained solid. My beautiful young version of me, you were so shy. As grown us, I believe I now know why. The world can be harsh, and you did everything you could to protect us.
You gained your creative talents at a young age and never stopped. The third grade wanted to place you in the gifted program for your writing. Poetry was your favorite, and to this day it is mine. Not only do we still write poetry, we also write quotes and music. Our stage name is Sauced Goddess. Sauced means the way the words pour to the paper and Goddess because that is who we are.
Though you couldn’t draw, you were always crafting with objects. Your imagination was wild, and your curiosity was consistent. You were living life through fairy tale eyes, which showed you the true beauty of the faucets of life surrounding you. Though you were worried about people watching you and you being shy, you were fearless and always wanting to try new things.
You were a good child, but there were a few times that you took some chances, and I am proud of you for doing so. They were hidden accomplishments that definitely helped you grow. You were strong no matter what life threw at you.
Now look, We are standing tall now. It is because of how you loved us, and how we gained purity and strength through the eyes of a child. Never change yourself for you are perfect as you are. I love you so much and thank you for loving us.
Love always and forever,
Sauced Goddess

My Tash,
This is one of the hardest letters I have ever had to write. When I speak or think your name, the tears form in my eyes and slowly start escaping down my cheek. Once the tears start, they don’t stop and they come down faster as the water over Niagara Falls.
When I think of you, I think of how beautiful you were inside and out. I think about how I had so much fun and was at my happiest when you were around. I think about no matter how hard you fought for great things, and the world stayed on top of you, that you found a way to always be genuine and caring. You stayed fighting for others and bringing peace.
I will never forget the night on June 2nd, 2020, when I received a call with dad sounding frantic. Shiba I’m at the hospital with Tash! Shiba does your sister have illnesses? Shiba is there anything wrong with your sister medically? I replied, only for him to hang up and call me back once again. They said they didn’t know what was wrong. Nothing is working.
Dad yelled at me to call mom and hung up. I called so many times. I know it was late. Not to mention the middle of the country doesn’t always have reception. Mom! Please answer! I wish I could have gotten through to her Tash. I tried.
Dad raced to the house and picked me up. No regards to covid or the red lights. He sped to the hospital. He told me to sit back and I told him “not until I made sure you were okay.” We make it to the hospital, and he smiles with the staff. They hand me my mask and we get through security. Dad pointed to the room and as my hands hit the door, he yelled out that you were gone.
I looked at him in disbelief and i pulled my arms back and pushed the door so hard and fast to walk around the curtain and see you on the table. The tube was in your mouth and your eyes were closed. I broke out loud in cries. Tash, you, my baby sister, was laying on the table, lifeless. All I could do was rub your hair and kiss your forehead like I always did when I came to see you. You were only 37!! How could this even happen?! You was never supposed to go before me.
My world was shattered. I could barely walk. I could barely stay in the room. I could barely stand up next to you. I protected you from everything I could and I failed you on this. I couldn’t protect you. I didn’t even know. I wasn’t there! I am now an empty shell. My best friend, my baby sister, I basically helped raise you. I took care of you like I was the mom. I miss you so.

Dear Tash,
It’s me again. Your babies are doing the most beautiful things. They are so grown up now. I know you are proud of them as you watch over them. You did an amazing job and I am also extremely proud of them.
I miss you. Your birthday and your pass days are still the hardest for me. Sometimes, tears escape just a little bit and sometimes they escape a lot. I will never forget you. I am honored and blessed to have ever had the chance to have you in my life. God said love your people because you never know when they will be needed back. I definitely didn’t know he needed you so soon. I loved you immensely when you were alive, and I love you just the same now. I just have an unwavering pain in my heart. I really miss you.
Your nieces and nephew are doing amazing things as well. Your newest great niece Winter is so cute and sweet like her brother. She would have loved you. The kids all miss you. Your friends still miss you. They visit my page often to check on me and feel a bit of you. You have really good friends Tash.
Thank you for the frequent dream visits and thank you for the birds, butterflies, ladybugs, breeze, dimes and rain. Thank you for the light flickers to let me know you are there. Thank you for your subtle touch on my arm or forehead when I am asleep or relaxing deep in thought. I know you are always here.
I love you so much Tash. I will never, ever forget you. No matter what I go through, you will aways be on my mind and always have a place in my heart. My baby sister. You were gone too soon. But one day, I will get to visit you and we will laugh and dance on the moon.
Love Always,
Shib

In loving memory of my little sister Natausha(Tash), an extraordinary woman who loved beyond fault and without boundaries. I cherish her forever.

Love, Im loving me
Done been through the rain and storms
the whirling roller coasters with loopty loops
making it out time and time again
im loving me

i’ve lost so much, including people I love
pushing through to make it for my kids
to make it for my husband
to make it for myself
Im loving me

Im loving me so much
that I am enjoying every aspect of my life
and I look forward to overcoming these..
trials and tribulations set to make me stronger
because without them, i’d be weak
im so loving me

every time life happens
my heart shatters just a bit more
and every single time the pieces hit the floor
I pick up the shards and put them back together
because yes
I am so loving me

You see without the love I have for me
I can’t love anything or anyone else
We don’t know love
unless we love ourselves
so without the love I have for me
I’d not know or have any for anyone
so im lovin me

in this crazy world we live in
the things people go through
love is the only thing I can give them
and I need to love me too

agggggggh!!!!
Screams are silent as to not let anyone hear
so loud inside that they are deafening
as I uncontrollably scream
with my eyes sealed shut
tears stream down my face
and my body shakes
as i let my head fall back
throwing my fists in the air
only to slump forward again
with my arms beside me in defeat
not long ago I was good
and then somehow
i managed to end up in this place
my eyes twitched
as I stared blankly in the distance
i’m felt lost and disgusted
how could i have let that happen to me
knowing that I wouldnt ever
Let that happen to anyone else
where did that even come from
how could I not see the evil in his soul
how i could I not see the hate in his heart
i wrapped myself in the darkness’s embrace
and slowly rocked myself back and forth
as to self soothe and help my mind grasp what had happened
oh the things that I had been through
with the holds of a choke
that almost crushed my throat
I am surprised I am alive today
but not without consequence
the after affects come out of nowhere
sudden moves and i jump
hands up and I cover my head and face
my drifts out of reality
bring me back to that time
and the emotions overwhelm me again
But here I am
Here I still stand
permanently scarred
but able to see through the dark
and able to be aware again
here i am smiling and laughing
eating and drinking
dancing and singing
here I am able to breathe
enjoying my offspring for days upon days
being their safe space, their light
away from anything sent to harm them
I don’t have to hold my breath
I don’t have to walk on eggshells
I don’t have to silence myself
I don’t have to hide
I don’t have to wait
I don’t have to keep wondering what I did wrong
to deserve punishments as such
I don’t have to question how many more times
i would have to deal with his undeserving behavior
I am free
I am finally free
I look in the mirror and smile
wiping the tears from my eyes
no more cries the moment
until the pain again hits the rise
it will take time to heal
and try to keep these tears out my eyes
I know
emotions will come ago
and sometimes I will be so, so
but I lived to see another day
and another moment
so satisfying and pleasing
on my remarkable journey
if I may