To you, to me, to us:

When I think about you, I do not remember much. I remember sadness—a lot of it. But I do not know why and I want you to know that I have been on the search for the reason ever since I understood that hearts can, in fact, be broken. I joke a lot about how my heart, your heart, our heart has been broken since we entered into the world. A sparkly bandaid that I like to put over the wound. We still love sparkles.
I am sorry for all of the fear. I am sorry for all the ways I held you back. Stayed small. Kept quiet. Didn’t get into trouble. Because Dad would yell. Mom would cry. I would cry. You would cry. We would cry.
There are days when I think we knew too much and then days when I think we knew nothing at all. This is still a common occurrence. Did your feet ever feel like they were on the ground? Because mine still do not.
I miss twirling around, in a tutu, carefree. I wonder if we didn’t do enough of that. If we did, would I still be longing for that feeling?
Every time I think of you, you’re wearing pink. Your light brown, thin hair is disheveled, and your bangs are ever so slightly tangled between your long eyelashes. You’re wearing ballet slippers. Your skin is porcelain and so soft, untouched. Your little, round belly hanging over your tutu. The days before you learned what it felt like to want to flatten it and roll your shoulders back to try so hard to be tall and thin. The days before you needed to learn how to self-soothe. I want you to know that you did a good job. I want you to know that I am proud of you. The times when you did talk back and got in trouble. Even if you shied away not long after. I want you to know I am proud of your independence. Even if we are still just a little scared of a lot of things.

I want you to know that we now make an abundance of noise. Every day. And although we are not in a tutu, we are still whirling and twirling around under a disco ball with our favorite songs playing over loudspeakers in a dark room with pretty lights. And we are far from silenced.
We use our voice. We use our words to show people that they don’t have to just self-soothe. They don’t have to stay small.
We use our body too. The one that over the years suffered an incredible amount of dislike. I am sorry about that too. But we learned, just how strong we are. Mentally and physically and I am sorry it took me so long to honor every little piece of you because when I look back, I see that you are stronger than I gave you credit for and if it wasn’t for you twirling around in your little pink tutu, I wouldn’t be here now. You wouldn’t be here now. Thankful for all of the self-soothing. For all of the hurt. The search for love that ended in heartbreak which then ended in strength.
Thank you for your resilience. I hope to continue to make you, me, us, proud.

a time when life felt free,
where your mind could just be.
the harshness of the world has not yet consumed you,
it’s a time where your wildest dreams can still be true.
The world is still in color
a time before the world got duller
when unicorns still exist
and your face is sunkissed
you’re dancing in the rain
and there’s not yet anyone to blame
Before all the pain
when you had nothing to gain.

A time when the sun shines brighter,
where you just felt lighter.
when your mom still loved your dad
and cuss words were bad
A time when you were naive
when anyone could make you believe
when your mind felt free
and laughter was the key
A time when your life couldn’t get any better
except maybe if your mom bought you that new sweater

I like the way you try to help others in certain situations and give advice
I like the way you get your eyebrows sharper than a fingernail
I like the way you have a open mind about anything or anyone
I like the way you’re learning how to communicate and be patient
I like the way you have a fear of rollercoasters but aren’t afraid to jump out a plane
I like the way you value alone time even though your friends are awesome
I like the way you smile even when you’re sad some days
I like the way you can sing the alphabet with your mouth closed and type a whole paragraph with your eyes shut
I like the way you’re not afraid to be harsh and be straight-forward with anyone
I like the way you stopped crying everyday for something sad and instead crying for something joyful

Good morning sweet angel
Know your heart is true
Every gift of kindness you give
Will one day come back to you

It won’t be overnight
Unfortunately your world now is cruel
Stay strong and keep going
You’ll get the justice that’s due

Your kindness will be mocked
It won’t mean you’re wrong
Many don’t have hearts as accepting as yours
Their mind is filled more with dark thoughts

Their self hatred gets projected
Against anyone that’s shining bright
God is keeping you protected
Cry your tears and say your prayers
This pain will make you strong

Your triumph will play like a symphony
A tale that reverses the narrative of life
Greed, vanity, and power is what they devour
Gifts of emptiness will take down their tower

Your beauty, grace, and forgiveness
Will radiate from the inside out
It was God who gift this
To eventually relinquish their dark souls doubt

There’s magic in your words
You will prove the wrong of their ways
And live a walking testimony
That the darkest nights lead to the brightest days

Dear Shiba,
Everything about you is inspiring to me. I look up to your spirit. You were beautiful and carefree. Careful to not run with the wrong crowd and caring to those around you. Who needed an in-crowd when the Earth, ancestors and your family surrounded you?
You weren’t allowed to run around without shoes, but you always took them off to ground yourself in the soil, especially when it rained. You carried a peaceful spirit in your aura.
Through the times when life wasn’t very kind, you did your best to smile and shine. Nothing could stop you. You were so resilient and bounced back from everything. Your smile lit up rooms and your laughter could be heard everywhere.
Naturally, you were a nurturer. You cared for your younger sister consistently, as to not let anything happen to her. You were her protector and when she hurt, you wiped her tears. You loved the innocence in babies and animals, and your protection for them remained solid. My beautiful young version of me, you were so shy. As grown us, I believe I now know why. The world can be harsh, and you did everything you could to protect us.
You gained your creative talents at a young age and never stopped. The third grade wanted to place you in the gifted program for your writing. Poetry was your favorite, and to this day it is mine. Not only do we still write poetry, we also write quotes and music. Our stage name is Sauced Goddess. Sauced means the way the words pour to the paper and Goddess because that is who we are.
Though you couldn’t draw, you were always crafting with objects. Your imagination was wild, and your curiosity was consistent. You were living life through fairy tale eyes, which showed you the true beauty of the faucets of life surrounding you. Though you were worried about people watching you and you being shy, you were fearless and always wanting to try new things.
You were a good child, but there were a few times that you took some chances, and I am proud of you for doing so. They were hidden accomplishments that definitely helped you grow. You were strong no matter what life threw at you.
Now look, We are standing tall now. It is because of how you loved us, and how we gained purity and strength through the eyes of a child. Never change yourself for you are perfect as you are. I love you so much and thank you for loving us.
Love always and forever,
Sauced Goddess

Dear child, let go of your worries.
You’re here for a purpose, I’m sure you know.
Though this world is large and you may be small,
You are connected to the source and the life force of all.

Dear child, open your eyes.
Though things seem strange, there’s room for surprise.
Each new day you wake holds potential for greatness,
A seed you can water and watch grow with awareness.

Dear child, remember your worth.
You were created for a reason.
The Divine orchestrated your birth.
Your soul is unique, with its own melody,
Brought here to find others and make new harmony.

Dear child, you are peace and love and grace.
It’s time for you to recall, see it shine from your face.
The purity you were born with can be returned to.
All that is meant will surely find you.

Dear child, don’t fret or fear.
Guidance and help are always near.
Follow the wisdom, the deep inner knowing.
This faith in the Divine keeps you ever flowing.

So my dearest child, breathe deeply.
Relax your being fully.
You have many gifts, they’re yours to keep.

To my younger self,
my mini me,
from future you
to you
I think what I love most
was the ignorance
you carried for the world.
In it
you lived as a free spirit,
embracing your weird
and wild side.
You lived
every day
exploring your creativity
through role playing,
an act that soon,
as you can see
would give
you the gift to create art.
You went on having great
memories,
from vacationing with family
down in Atlantic City,
to going to Cape May Beach
& Zoo with your sister
and your best friend.
You did it all for the first time,
through childlike wonder,
a feeling that I miss the more
time passes.
To tell you the truth,
mini me,
the reason I love this
is because I want it back.
Being an adult,
believe it or not,
isn’t all that
it’s cracked up to be,
and I sometimes wish
I can go back
in time and
be you again.
But since I can’t,
I’ll make you a promise,
we won’t stop until
we reach our dream
together.

Admiration within the smile
as you allow it to grow.
All the way from the mile
getting the light to show.
Bouncing around
due to past endeavors.
Finally finding you in the sound
now that I have passed each of the levers.
Chills head their way down
along with the fears.
Never a need to frown
only taking a few years.
You’re brighter than you would believe
just wait to see what you will achieve.