A Letter to the Girl I Used to Be, to Say Goodbye

Dear Girl,

When I look back on who I used to be, there are so many feelings that come to the surface. While the girl you are now doesn’t hold a candle to the woman I am today, you were still a badass and deserve to be celebrated and recognized for all that you endured. You faced each day with a rigor and enthusiasm that has been somewhat subdued, but is still apparent in some of my actions. Let’s break down your life up until now, and look at both how far you have come, and how far you still have to go.

Everything you know, or think you know, is a byproduct of someone else’s experiences. Yes, you have had a few adventures, in Florida, Marine Corps boot camp, and working in the “real world.” But you have yet to be in the trenches, and have yet to develop the grit it takes to fully form into an adult. You are so free and have your entire life ahead of you, do all the things you can now before your marriage and your son (not necessarily in that order), tie you down. Do not get my wrong, having your son is the best thing that could have happened to you, but your strength will act, as per usual, as a double-edged sword. It will hold you up and allow you to persevere, but will cut you down at the same time.

You will pour everything you have into your family and first marriage, and get very little in return from your husband. He will incorrectly assume that you have everything handled, which you will, but you will need love and support that will not be forthcoming. Renee, you deserve better.

Right now you have surrounded yourself with a tribe of people who feel like your second family. Embrace them, love them, relish every moment and every experience you have with them. Go to every bonfire, stay up all night talking, and never ever take them for granted. While you will have close relationships and intimate friendships in the future, it will never be like it is now. Some of these people will be in your life forever, but the camaraderie and freedom you share with them cannot be recreated. You are lucky, count your blessings and love on them as much as possible.

The last thing I need to emphasize is to spend every chance you get with Dad. Answer the phone every time he calls, when he asks you to dinner, go happily, and tell him every chance you get that he is the best dad and means the world to you, and that you love him. The same goes with Mom. They will leave your life before you are ready and they made you.

Renee, you are beautiful, you are worthy of love, and your life turns out to be pretty great. You have a loving husband who is willing to work through the hard times, and three miraculous, hilarious, solid humans who you will be charged with guiding, teaching, and loving with all of your heart and soul. Let them, and their love, change you, do not fight it.

I have to say goodbye to you, because even though you are working on qualities now which will serve me well in the future, the person you are now doesn’t really exist any longer. At least not in the same way you did, back in the day. I also want to thank you for everything you have gotten right, but more importantly for all of the things you have gotten wrong. Those were important lessons and your pain becomes worth it in the long run, trust.

Take care of your heart Renee, it is one of your best qualities and people will break it every chance they get. What those people won’t get to see, is your ability to rebuild from the ashes of heartbreak, and the way you will love better, stronger, and more fiercely than before.

I’ll see you in my memories and sometimes my dreams. I offer you peace, kindness, love, strength and respect.

Yours truly,

Fully formed adult Renee