Dearest sweet, young self,

Take a deep breath, relax, and trust.

Ease your mind about what’s to come.

I say that not because everything turns out fabulously, beautifully, better than you could have ever expected. Rather, I say it because worrying about your future is an exercise in utter futility. Whether you worry or you don’t won’t change a thing, other than how you experience your current life. My darling, please don’t rob yourself of your present.

I know that’s elusive advice to heed right now, so let me ask you this: why are you fretting about money when fretting about money makes you no money? Either do something to make yourself more money, or don’t. Why are you worried about being single when worrying about it makes you no less single, just more sad? Spinning your wheels of fright solves nothing.

Here’s a secret you’ll soon learn: a worry is nothing but poorly allocated creative energy. It’s pouring fresh, fragrant imaginative juices down a non-functional well. Every worry is a story. You, my darling, are a masterful storyteller.

Right now, you use your storytelling to paint bleak scenarios in your mind – with exquisite detail – about the potential pitfalls of your future. I’m here to tell you, you can use that creative energy to craft stories which inspire, uplift, and entertain – not stories which give you ulcers and anxiety.

All that time spent wondering if it will all turn out okay doesn’t actually make it turn out okay. Enjoying yourself and following your passion makes it all turn out okay. Spoiler alert: you won’t give up on yourself. Remember that little spark of imaginative passion that enthralled you as a child? It won’t go away. Rather, it will grow. You will feed it until the flame engulfs you, in the best way.

I would love to write you and say, “get excited, because all your dreams come true!”. In all sincerity, though, things will turn out…differently…than you imagine now. It’s not a bad thing. In fact, you will become the person you’ve always wanted to be. You will show up in the world in a way that will wow you. What’s more, you will learn to trust that this path is your correct path. Don’t try to write your future, darling, because a greater Author is already hard at work. What you can do is write your own experience of it. Life isn’t what happens to you, it’s your relationship to what happens to you. Choose your relationship to time, to your fears, to your past, to your career, to your hopes, wishes, and wants. Relate to your future as your ally, not some malefic, frightening unknown.

You’re going to learn lessons and grapple conundrums you never would have imagined, but you don’t even need to think about that now. Focus on what is. Savor every moment. Trust the future will arrive one way or another – because it will. Whether you love it or not is completely up to you*.

Love,
Your future self

*(FYI: you do!)

What can I love about this chapter of my life?
The one in which I’ve moved back to my small, southern hometown
beach town
Flo-grown?

32 and single
Master’s degree
world traveler
Back in a spring break mecca
from which my friends have long since evacuated

Not my first choice
for this chapter
that wasn’t in my outline but will probably become the most influential in my memoir

6 months into hospice care –
my mother, that is

That final week of September saw
Death’s door and a Uhaul
My boxes were unpacked,
but that door never opened – just peeked through

She’s still going, good days and bad
I live down the street in a bright blue rental with Piglet, my cat
An independent woman who does laundry at her parents’ house

What can I love about it?

Tuesday morning trips to Fresh Market, Mama’s big outing with her portable oxygen machine
Making chocolate bark and homemade bread with her while most people my age earn money
or raise kids
Belly dance class on Tuesday evenings
and the occasional salsa dance Friday (when I’m willing to drive an hour away)
3am nights followed by lazy mornings where my only obligation is to smile for my parents,
to assure my mom I haven’t upended my life for her; I’ve simply changed direction

With fewer friends I have fewer distractions
Deep immersion into my creative projects
I stumbled upon a writing group with monthly open mics
where I wow the crowd with my performance, feeling struck by own accidental execution of my calling
I’ve been asked to emcee
local music shows, with requests to recite a few original poems between sets

They can’t believe I perform without notes, something that comes naturally to me. Never having taken theater, I missed my calling as an actress, but here I go: performing for live crowds and the internet alike. Finally feeling free to use my voice in a way it’s ached to be sung for so long. I didn’t expect to find it here.

For whatever reason, I’m a magnet for men, particularly foreign, primarily Hispanic
I go on dates along Florida’s scenic 30A, they always pay
I break their hearts, but I’m okay

When I’m not fine dining, I’m eating at the best restaurant on the planet:
my mother’s table
One of the few activities she still enjoys
Decadent dinners and leftovers for lunch
followed by homemade dessert, of course

I sit at the counter and watch her bake like a little kid
Too old to lick the beater from her fresh whipped cream
but too young to worry it may be her last batch
I savor every bite
of pie, bread, brussel sprouts – anything she puts in front of me

I’m “working” from home – my job of 9 years that I could do in my sleep
maybe 10 hours per week
Not financially fruitful, but I hardly pay for groceries these days anyway

I’m a stone’s throw away from America’s first two-time winner
of the “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches” award
Not a bad place to call home

I take long walks every night, post Mama-made dinner and dessert indulgence,
reflecting on what is and daydreaming about what will be

The Latin men who court me tell me I go to bed too early, but I love my little routine:
Waking up at sunrise to do yoga and meditate on my back porch
Fresh air first thing in the morning

At a time when everything is meant to feel bleak,
I love that
it doesn’t

It feels…alive

Low key days laced with the subtle layer of impending doom, triggering appreciation of the here and now

I love the person it’s turned me into: the fearless performer and solo adventurer, tourist in her
own hometown
People tell me I’m “a vibe”

Because I’ve no room for reservations:
Death is part of life

Our one and only shot at Earth school, in this flesh in this moment
Why not make the most of
an objectively poor situation?

I’ve surrendered to it. Accepted it.

At first I felt trapped: confined as a caretaker running on guilt and family obligation
Now I’ve learned that feet can keep dancing on the stickiest surface

Life is too short
to care too much
and too long to gripe
Savor the fruit when it’s ripe
and don’t dwell when it rots

What I love are the mornings that I wake up laughing without cause
I’ve found light in my soul despite the shadows that besiege me
I ignite that light with my own self-love, acceptance, and comfort with sacrifice

I am greater than circumstance. Imperturbable.

It’s a unique time (that I would opt not to recreate)
But I find plenty to love
about this season of my fate.