Hey Noble,

It’s me 15-year-old Angry Auddie. Well, it’s really all of us, the Elohim of you. We wanted to write and tell you how proud we are of you for getting us here. You really did the hard work to gain our freedom, and we are so glad!

Motormouth (6) is happy that you use your words, she spent 30 years silent, waiting for her chance to say something and now she says it all! No filter, no care and no breath in between, yet she speaks truth and of life, so that brings us into balance.

Auddie (12) too has opened up to allow herself to feel again. She can laughs at herself without feeling stupid or wrong. She shows herself grace and space to learn. She affirms us and straightens our crown from time to time. She knows our worth, she believes in our dreams, and she trusts you. Her thoughts no longer sink into despair. She is too busy finding beauty amongst the ashes. 

 Thottie Auddie (19-23) too has made a complete 180! Of all of us she was wounded the most. She carried a lot of burdens. Her road was truly the darkest.  I would say she deserves this new life the most. After losing custody of our children, entering a life of sex work and creating more self-inflicted wounds to our soul, she now is the woman you are today. Happy, whole, and abstinent for the past 5 years. She looks forward to leading more women to women support groups. As she continues to live our life holy righteous and honoring our temple.  The biggest whammy for her, is that her beloved friend from 2006 is now our anchor in life. 19 years later he found his way back to her as a real-life fisherman. She loves this part. His friendship always gave her comfort and safety.  

 6 months ago, when you ran away from home; and finally took a risk, you unlocked the magic and the unknown. You bought a one-way ticket from Indiana to Oregon with $26 and the last of our hope. No version of us expected that. Of all the choices to choose when you arrived, you choose us by choosing therapy. 

So, I, Not-so-Angry-Auddie (15-19) thanks you. You spent the last 23 years of our life being bound and weighed down by the choices I had to choose from. I know I held the rope you were trying to hang on to because I needed this freedom. I am the one who got pregnant and took on adult responsibilities when all you wanted was to do the right thing. I was the one who made choices that affected others, forced to raise a child only to lose them a few years later to the system. I pierced our side good with that one.  You spent days upon decades tending to that wound, so personally I want to say Thank you. Thank you for traveling back through our darkness, undoing the shame, guilt, and regrets along the way. Thank you for growing soft, and creating a safe space for us to call home within you. You tore down every wall, every barrier and every fear that we held onto. Brick by brick, stone by stone, you made your way back filling the voids with love, wisdom and light along the way. ANd you did it with such bravery and courage. When I heard the keys of life jingling outside my prison door, I knew the time had come, I was being freed. The magic and miracles in our life have shown up because you choose to show up. Thank you for holding on when you wanted to let go. Thank you for enduring the losses, heartaches, trials, judgements, and wrongdoings. Thank you for shaking off the shackles of mistakes, abuse, and long suffering of the mind and soul. Thank you for taking the time to sift through our shattered pieces and finding the parts of us worth salvaging. Thank you for tending to our mommy issues and loving her unto death and beyond. Thank you for understanding our dad and the story he never got to tell.  Thank you for choosing us and alchemizing our pain into power and purpose. You are the Noble Strong Storm, the Famous Warrior, the one luminating the light to expand past all our darkness. You are proof that we are limitless and can exceed all expectations, even our own. Keep free-falling, you got this!

Thank you for loving us,

Not-so-Angry-Anymore-Auddie.

P.S. WE all would like you to put the cigarettes down. I know I picked them up but older you wants more time to live and she will thank you for it later! 

 Writing style score 91

My former self was fueled by mental illness and trauma. I was a prisoner inside my own mind. I felt burdened and weighed down with life, that life itself was torture. I was always inconvenienced, and everything triggered me. I was wrapped so tight that when I unraveled I would fall completely apart and I’m frantically would gather them all back up. My anger consumed so much of me that everyone had to walk on eggshells in my presence. I was so lost I couldn’t comprehend my left from my right most days. I was a total mess. A lost cause, a mistake and everything else that replayed in my mind that someone else had told me about myself. I couldn’t live with myself, yet I expected others to come make me whole, to protect me and provide for me, to show me I was worth something and that I mattered! Time after time, I bleed all over them until they had to abandon me to save themselves. I struggled daily trying to convince myself this would all be worth it one day. Even though all the fighting to stay alive was not paying off, it only kept getting harder. I kept fighting.
June 12th of 2022 I received the call that my Mother’s journey had come to an end. Standing outside my mother’s apartment knowing her physical body was lifeless on the other side of that wall and now her story was fully written was bittersweet. Her book had closed, yet for me it was a chapter ending.
I knew at that moment I had no choice but to live life differently than her, again. My mother and I shared a mental illness diagnosis that was not easy to manage or live with. Her passing was a heartbreaking loss yet also a breath of fresh air. I knew she finally had some peace and rest after all those years of searching for it.
Her passing fueled a new fire inside of me. I grew a desire to taste happiness. I wanted to know what joy felt like. I needed to feel comfort and gain stability. I finally had the chance to truly heal and this chapter of my life was over. The ending of my mother’s story gave me a new beginning. I allowed myself to fully unravel and fall apart. I took a long hard look at the mess I was in. I knew this is the time I would finally clear out the junk and could organize what parts of me were salvageable. I began piecing myself back together with the pieces that made me, me. From there, I began to build a masterpiece from my brokenness. I grasped hold of patience, which allowed me to no longer be inconvenienced.I stopped being angry at life and that allowed me to grow softer and embrace the beauty I hadn’t seen before. I got to know, understand and grow intimate with the feelings that had been neglected underneath that thick layer of anger. I began to have peace and love within myself. My mind became my sound. I learned to be still and let the universe be my compass. Piece by piece I am still coming together and I fully am enjoying this part of my journey.
I get to live out the beauty in exchange for my mother’s ashes. To honor that duality, I choose to live life today, tomorrow and all the rest of my days since my Mother couldn’t. For 35 years I struggled with my own mental health; My mothers struggle was an additional 24 years harder. I spent my whole life making sure I did everything opposite of her, so much so, I became all the good I am today because of Her!!!

Thank you mom for paving the path so I could find my way out of the darkness and be the light for so many others. I seen you, I heard you, I understood you and I still love you today!

Your daughter,
Noble Storm Famous Warrior