My former self was fueled by mental illness and trauma. I was a prisoner inside my own mind. I felt burdened and weighed down with life, that life itself was torture. I was always inconvenienced, and everything triggered me. I was wrapped so tight that when I unraveled I would fall completely apart and I’m frantically would gather them all back up. My anger consumed so much of me that everyone had to walk on eggshells in my presence. I was so lost I couldn’t comprehend my left from my right most days. I was a total mess. A lost cause, a mistake and everything else that replayed in my mind that someone else had told me about myself. I couldn’t live with myself, yet I expected others to come make me whole, to protect me and provide for me, to show me I was worth something and that I mattered! Time after time, I bleed all over them until they had to abandon me to save themselves. I struggled daily trying to convince myself this would all be worth it one day. Even though all the fighting to stay alive was not paying off, it only kept getting harder. I kept fighting.
June 12th of 2022 I received the call that my Mother’s journey had come to an end. Standing outside my mother’s apartment knowing her physical body was lifeless on the other side of that wall and now her story was fully written was bittersweet. Her book had closed, yet for me it was a chapter ending.
I knew at that moment I had no choice but to live life differently than her, again. My mother and I shared a mental illness diagnosis that was not easy to manage or live with. Her passing was a heartbreaking loss yet also a breath of fresh air. I knew she finally had some peace and rest after all those years of searching for it.
Her passing fueled a new fire inside of me. I grew a desire to taste happiness. I wanted to know what joy felt like. I needed to feel comfort and gain stability. I finally had the chance to truly heal and this chapter of my life was over. The ending of my mother’s story gave me a new beginning. I allowed myself to fully unravel and fall apart. I took a long hard look at the mess I was in. I knew this is the time I would finally clear out the junk and could organize what parts of me were salvageable. I began piecing myself back together with the pieces that made me, me. From there, I began to build a masterpiece from my brokenness. I grasped hold of patience, which allowed me to no longer be inconvenienced.I stopped being angry at life and that allowed me to grow softer and embrace the beauty I hadn’t seen before. I got to know, understand and grow intimate with the feelings that had been neglected underneath that thick layer of anger. I began to have peace and love within myself. My mind became my sound. I learned to be still and let the universe be my compass. Piece by piece I am still coming together and I fully am enjoying this part of my journey.
I get to live out the beauty in exchange for my mother’s ashes. To honor that duality, I choose to live life today, tomorrow and all the rest of my days since my Mother couldn’t. For 35 years I struggled with my own mental health; My mothers struggle was an additional 24 years harder. I spent my whole life making sure I did everything opposite of her, so much so, I became all the good I am today because of Her!!!

Thank you mom for paving the path so I could find my way out of the darkness and be the light for so many others. I seen you, I heard you, I understood you and I still love you today!

Your daughter,
Noble Storm Famous Warrior