Remember change is necessary for growth
It can rain all day but prone to flower’s survival
The heat of the sun will come again
And the rain will have already sucked in
More buds
More roots will spread again to make something even more beautiful
Trees die but new ones are planted
You can put your seed in whatever is necessary and good for you
And if not, you can pick it up and plant it elsewhere
Make a new, cozy home for it
Protecting it at all costs
Living with the peace
Focusing on the good
Releasing the bad
Don’t let bad roots stay intertwined in your mind
Release them, cut them, do whatever you need to do
Otherwise you will stay stuck and broken
Clouding what is the greatness of life

an ant would crawl on my desk
tempted by fate to seek food
and with a few crumbs in view
it scurries on with finesse

the ant would wonder and ponder
what to do and how to go about
bringing home this tasty treat
to share with those without

there are many ways to take
and several paths to avoid
such as the old spider’s lair
lurking around the corner

despite the ant’s careful planning
it remained unaware of my presence
and with a swift pressure of my thumb
it was relieved of it’s existence

the ant was sad for it tried it’s best
yet no amount of planning would help
for there are always higher forces
who are on a much different quest

Suppressed inconsistencies. Unmatched premonition of self loathing and overwhelming destress. Patience steers the wheel of evolution and science fiction. Within belief I’m stricken. Pulsating convictions with immediate results. Camera shy actions of an insult. Take in criticism like a daily vitamin, with self love as your kryptonite and effective communication as a weapon of might, so use it wisely knowing that patience is working in your favor and is usually reciprocated, allowing for forgiveness which frees you from the intercepting vengeance of bondage, while building character, for joy should be effortless, so don’t just exist, live. 🫶🏿

In January 2022, I turned 40 years old. After a yearly checkup, my
primary care physician asked me to go for my first yearly mammogram. I
made the appointment but due to unforeseen circumstances, I was unable
to make that appointment. I then prolonged the appointment for as long as I
could, as I had heard many stories about it being painful and uncomfortable,
so I waited it out. In August 2022, I drew up the courage to finally go. It
wasn’t as terrible as I expected, and the staff was great. About 2 weeks
later, I received a call explaining they found a mass and they wanted to have
more images taken and an ultrasound done on my right breast.

The week after, I went in for the appointment and they discovered
calcifications after several images. They explained I needed a biopsy to
ensure it was not cancer. They explained normally since this is the first scan
and have nothing else to go by, there was nothing to worry about. A few
days later, I went in for a biopsy. Once I was done, the nurses at the facility
explained that my primary care physician would call me to come in for the
results, whether they were good or bad. I received a call the next day asking
me to come in the next day. When I got there, I went into the room with my
head high thinking, “I’m only 40. I’m too young to get this. Everything will be
fine.” When I went back, my doctor came into my room and asked if I knew
why I was there. I nodded. She had given me the worse news I had ever
received. The biopsy came back that I had DCIS or Stage 0 Breast Cancer. I
was devastated. I had 3 children and was a single mom. I was shocked about
the news and broke down crying in the room with my doctor. She hugged
me and gave me hope and a book explaining what breast cancer is and
exactly what I was to expect. I left there and didn’t know what to do or who
to call. I called my sister and cried with her on the phone on my way back
home.

When I got home, my children were all there and saw that I had been
crying. I couldn’t even look at them. I ran upstairs to my bathroom and
locked the door until I had the courage to come out with a clean face. When
I went back down, I asked my children to sit together so I could speak with
them. My youngest sat next to me while my other two children sat across
from me. I explained my situation and my oldest son (12 years old at the
time) began crying and asked if I was going to die. I hugged him and
immediately told him I was going to be fine. I explained that I needed
surgery to take out the cells and it would be a process going forward. I
showed the children the book that I was given and explained to them what
was expected to happen. They calmed down.

When I went to the oncologist shortly after, she explained how
important it is to keep up with yearly mammograms. She said if I had waited
any longer, the cancer could have been worse and/or spread. At this point, I
am glad that I did not wait any longer to have it checked. On October 21 st ,
2022, I had a lumpectomy of my right breast to remove the calcifications
and have been cancer free since. After the surgery, I was tested to see if I
needed chemotherapy and/or radiation. After they tested the cells, the
radiologist came back with wonderful news. The cells came back that I only
had a 7% chance of the cancer returning with or without radiation or chemo,
so she stated I did not need either

My message to the world is to keep up with your appointments and
your health. Ladies, please do not wait to get a mammogram. You may not
feel any lumps or have any issues currently, but it can still be there.
Gentlemen, please ensure your sisters, wives, girlfriends, and any other
woman in your life, goes to see their doctor to be screened. It can be a
matter of life and death.

I was born three months early to a drug addicted mother. My foster parents, who became my adoptive parents, showed me all the tender love and care I needed to help me get healthy. They kept me from meeting a fate of becoming a vegetable or dying, both of which the doctor said were my only two options in life.

While I appreciate their many sacrifices, I know that what you do for someone does not make up for what you do TO them. I experienced nearly every form of trauma in my life as I got older. I also witnessed a great of trauma.

All of that to say, I became an extremely miserable person. I was constantly depressed, I suffered from an eating disorder, (trigger warning) and even engaged in self-injurious behavior.

I recall praying to God to be someone else, whether it was a schoolmate with whom I was enamored, or a member of my favorite girl group. I was so disappointed to wake up as “just me.” I recall thinking God had let me down, allowing me to be abused in the womb, and “rescued” by a family that would later disappoint and harm me, while on the outside we seemed like a happy family.

One day, God did make me someone else; but, it was not in the way I had hoped. Through allowing positive individuals to speak hope and encouragement into my life, and shifting my perspective, I realized that I could not change the hand that I was dealt; but, it was up to me whether or not I would wallow in self-pity or use my story to inspire others.
I realized I could seek to live a life of success and happiness, as opposed to being a victim of my circumstances.

Therefore, I decided to learn how to become my own friend, rather than own worst enemy. I learned to express gratitude; and, rather than see difficulties as confirmation of my lack of favor with God, they became opportunities to learn, to grow, and to inspire those that cross my path.

Professionally, I became a mental health therapist. Personally, I learned to be more compassionate, as well as someone who can make others laugh, not just someone who always complained and sought sympathy.

Want me to prove it? *Ahem* Why did they make Finding Dory? I’d say it’s because if Nemo kept getting lost, they’d have to call CPS. Actually, Sea PS.

(Admit it, you smiled) Being able to use humor to cope, and mustering up the courage to fight against my insecurities to start my modeling career in 2021, does not mean I do not shed tears and experience physical and emotional pain.

I’ve learned what I wish everyone could learn early in life, which is that you may have your problems; however, your problems don’t have to have nor define you. Whether you experienced bad womb service, abuse, poverty, you name it, tragic beginnings do not mean you cannot choose to create a triumphant trajectory in life. I say create intentionally because I also realized I could wish upon stars and pray all day long, (I swear my guardian angel must be exhausted). However, it is up to me to actively form meaningful connections, pursue the opportunities I desire, and choose to give myself that glimmer of hope through a favorite song, a walk, or whatever my soul craves during the darkest moments.

Dear Unsealers,

Before you decide death is the solution to relieving your depression-move to that new town you always dreamed of living in. Separate yourself from the traumatic memories that were created in your current home. Take your child or your best friend on that road trip you put on your bucket list when you were ten years old. Apply for your passport and plan your trip to that country you always wanted to vacation to. Leave that one sided friendship. Create an exit plan for your toxic relationship.

 When I was laying on what I intended to be my deathbed, I replayed all the moments in my head that led me to my decision to end my life. I thought about my friendship with my sweet, beautiful nana. She gave me my first journal, she taught me how to cook, and she introduced me to arts and crafts. She simply talked to me. She was the only one who truly made me feel heard. However, our time together was cut short when she was diagnosed with liver cancer. She passed away a couple months after her diagnosis-two days before my fifteenth birthday. I thought about the first time I ever cut myself. Once again, I got into a heated argument with a few of my family members. My back was against the wall. I couldn’t catch my breath, my heart was rapidly racing and I was sweating profusely. I went into my bathroom, grabbed my razor and shaved and shaved and shaved until the top layer of my wrist turned red.

I thought about the violence that was normalized within my family. I was told stories about how one of my family members was arrested for drugs and assault and how this person constantly beat up his partner. Unfortunately, I got to witness this violence in person when one of my family members was attacked. I watched from the crack in my room door as their boyfriend slapped them and made them cry. However, that wasn’t the last time we saw him. My family member ended up marrying him.
 

I thought about the people in my life who weren’t there consistently when I was growing up-when I needed them the most. This normalized inconsistency in my relationships. I didn’t date a lot of people, but the people I did date, treated my life like a revolving door-coming in and out as they pleased-and I let them.

I thought about my very first abusive relationship. For an entire decade, my ex sexually assaulted me, manipulated me into going back to him when he felt me trying to move on, argued with me from sundown to sunrise and, at times, physically assaulted me from sundown to sunrise. He would hit me in places no one would notice like my arms and thighs. I started to hit him back, but that just made him angrier because he wanted the last hit.

I thought about the people that I dated after him. Instead of healing, I jumped into another situationship that left me heartbroken. I tricked myself into believing that he was good for me just because he wasn’t physically assaulting me. This cycle continued of me dating the same men in different bodies until I met my second abusive ex that ended up being the boiling point to me wanting to end my life.

I thought about how I should have been sent to therapy when my depression first started in middle school. Had I gotten help earlier in life for my trauma, the likelihood of me trying to end my life would have greatly decreased. However, my community and family did not believe in therapy. They had it ingrained in my head that therapy was only for “crazy people.” I thought about how my family and friends would feel hearing the news, but I just wanted the pain to end.

So here’s a thought- instead of ending your life- end that toxic relationship. Instead of ending your life- end the negative stigma surrounding mental health. Instead of ending your life-remove the people and things in your life that bring you pain or add to your pain. From someone who tried ending there’s-I am glad that I wasn’t successful. I get to try one more time. I get to try one more day. I learned to find joy in removal before removing myself from this life.

My Dear Handsome Husband,

I have a confession to make. One that I cannot even accept as true!
Do you know I’m cheating on you? Do you know you’re cheating on me? I know for a fact we’re cheating on each other. Do you? I know you are cheating on me. I’m not sure if you know I am cheating on you! How ‘bout them apples?
To be together 37 years and to realize now, at this stage of our lives, there’s cheating going on simply baffles my mind and my heart. I keep telling myself it isn’t true! It’s impossible! Us? NEVER in a million years! It just cannot be true!
How can we still be so deeply in love with each other and have this happen? I know I still love and adore you with all my heart and want nothing but happiness for you. I believe you feel the same for me.
Yet, here we are in the thick of it, not knowing what to do, where to turn, what to say, how to fix it. Obviously, we’ve been broken for a while. We really don’t talk as much as we used to. We don’t share too much of anything anymore with each other. I feel so alone. I know you do to. When did we and our communication break down?
I’m not sure when you started cheating. And, here I go. I started cheating on you within this past year (or two). Why? Because you became distant, quiet and kept your feelings in – as did I. We’re the couple that can’t keep their mouths shut and we chatter it up with each other all the time. The quiet is so deafening loud inside. It’s so weird not talking like we used to hence, we are cheating cheaters.
Ok, without stalling any longer, I wholeheartedly own I have cheated on you. I’m cheating you out of the life you want and deserve. How? I feel you would not have the problems, the stressors and the thoughts you have each and every day. It’s true. You would be free to do as you want when you want and not worry about all the things you worry about. You would deny this I’m sure.
You are cheating on me, out of my hopes and dreams that comes with tears almost every day. I may cry for five seconds, five minutes. It doesn’t matter. The tears fall. The breathing gets tougher. The suffocation lingers throughout the day, every day. I try hard to be upbeat, positive, and helpful. I can’t stand feeling I’ve let you down but honestly, I’m gotten real exhausted acting like everything is okay when it’s not. I am tapped out.
When we come right down to it, we are cheating ourselves, and on each other, out of the life we talked about years, YEARS ago. This life right now isn’t what either one of us wants but, my love, this is it. You know it as much as I do. I don’t know if it’s too late to salvage us.
I’m willing to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. The rest of our days cannot continue this way. It isn’t a life anymore. I believe, with our hearts, our love and commitment to each other we can stop, take a few deep breaths and rewrite our story. We can reach a place where our hopes and dreams we had can come true. At least some of them. We deserve this for each other. We’re better than this. Please, let’s not waste any more time. Life is too short and we are in the fourth quarter of our lives. I hope you agree and want to jump into a new chapter with me. We’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain for the rest of our days. It’s time. IT’S OUR TIME!
If there’s a funny part to all of this, it’s the whole cheating on each other. It makes me kind of smirk a smile because we’ve never cheated on each other with another person and when the words cheat, cheating, cheated is brought up, nine out of ten times it’s automatically assumed it has to do with another person.
Well, my hubby, let’s do this! We’ve got each other and have what it takes to do this and I, for one, am 100 percent in! Thirty-seven years is a lot of love and what do we always say? “No matter what, LOVE ALWAYS WINS!”

LYMA (Love You More Always!),
Your Dear Wonderful Wife
xoxo

September 04, 2024
Hello fellow humans,
I’d ask how you’re all doing, but I think from the majority of you I’d receive a lie. Not because you want to lie, but because you feel like you “have to”. You’d feel compelled to tell me “I’m fine” so I don’t get uncomfortable with the burden of carrying a piece of your truth. You’d smile even though your heart is heavy with worry. You’d wish me well and carry on, because that’s what we’ve been taught to do.
But, what if I told you there is nothing in your adult life that you “have to” do? What if you liberated yourself from the notion that you owe anything to anyone? What if you were free to roam about the world as your most authentic self?
That sounds insane, I know. I can hear you already, “oh so you don’t have to follow laws?”, “ you don’t have to pay bills?”, “you don’t have to be a kind person?”. In short, no. Would there be unsavory consequences to not doing those things? Absolutely. Would I wholeheartedly advise you to still be a productive and honest member of society? Absolutely. But, when you break it down, in every decision, you have a choice. Every. Decision.
So where would this altered thinking come in handy? We’ve established we aren’t breaking laws or becoming complete a-holes. How about when you’re asked to stay that extra hour, unpaid, at work? Would your first thought be, well I would have to or I would lose my job? Strike the have to. You have made yourself believe that you’d lose the job. That’s not a certainty, and even if it was, do you really want a job that consistently takes you for granted?
How about when that friend that treats you like garbage asks you to go out? You have to because you’ve known them for years? Nope. If you’ve filled your comfort zone with people that make you uncomfortable, it’s time to bust down some walls of societal pressure and get the heck out of there.
What about the biggest “have to” of all? I have to because they’re my family. Ask yourself, did you choose these people that abuse you? No, you didn’t. I want to be clear, I know that families have all kinds of quirks and histories that we learn to love each other through. That’s the nature of the bond, to love them through their messy because they’ll love you through yours. This applies to the ones that aren’t holding up their end of the deal. The ones that manipulate you into believing that you have no choice but to accept however they treat you because they happen to share the same DNA. You didn’t choose them, so you have every right to choose not to allow them in your life. This does not make you the villain, even if that’s how they tell the story. Period.
I know, it’s hard. It’s hard to reprogram your brain from years of being told that to be kind is to be utterly selfless. You can do it though. You can create a life that suits you and brings you joy, a life that is free from obligation and therefore truly authentic. And what you’ll find is that deep down our nature is to be loving, our nature is to care for others and want to help where we can, our nature is to choose kindness. We aren’t these evil creatures we’ve been guilted into believing we are born as. We just become them when we stop feeling like our life is our own.
Well, that’s the lesson I felt compelled to share for the brief moment I have your attention. I wish you all the peace that comes from living free from the weight of “have to”. You don’t have to take this letter to heart, but I really hope you do.
With love,
Natasha

The Master Key

Art is a critical piece for sure, mindset, movement, so much more. The master key is enjoying life no matter how you feel

The journey real
Each breath we take
Out we give
We make mistakes

Perfectly imperfect
In so many ways
Seeing ourselves
Moving through the days

Hell in our minds
We have a choice
Breathe out
Choose to rejoice

The gift is here
For you and me
Here lies the treasure
Of ultimate peace

Forgive and let go
Look in the mirror and say
I love you
Each and every day

Perspectives we have
Each special for sure
Sharing physical space
Each in a virtual world

The gift of pain
Drives presence awake
Opportunities to rise
Time to intake

The Masters have shown
So many ways
Pathways illuminate
In darkness we find the rays

For each who seeks
The answers are inside
Your hearts compass
Is a true guide

Into the unknown
With courage step forth
Choose to forgive
Choose to thank

Ultimate forgiveness
For all that forsake
This is the way
To open the gate

The gate of the mind
Way to uptake
The beauty of life
Choose and unlock destinies fate

Dear world,
The message I’m sending to you today may sound indelicate, abrasive even, and I sincerely apologize for that. I’m a part-time people pleaser trying to unlearn the more negative aspects of that personality dynamic, one of which is the notion that people should be kept happy AT ALL TIMES. That being said, I will forewarn you that my message may not make you feel happy,, but I promise you, it will bring you joy- that joy which is an abiding and abundant reality, always awaiting our approach, deliberately desiring our determined efforts to dwell within its keep.

The only way through to this true joy, requires the swallowing of a veritable buffet of what at first glance appear to be bitter pills- the first of which is the fact that you will suffer and you will die. When you swallow this truth, you free yourself from fear and despair. Suffering has the potential to be our most powerful teacher, and it can become a friend, if we are brave enough to reach out a hand. Now get me wrong, I don’t want to encourage you to intentionally seek out opportunities to get hurt or to cause suffering for others. What I mean is, suffering may be inevitable, but we can choose to transform its energy within us to strengthen ourselves and to bring that same gift of healing to the world around us as well.

Depending on how we approach the wounds we bear, we can choose to shape a future of growth and evolution. Through the shattering capabilities of grief, loss, and evil, we can learn to truly appreciate the beauty of life. That is the balancing act, seeking gratitude for life despite its myriad challenges and afflictions. We have the power to transform our hurts into growing pains.
Although, we can just as easily turn them our slowing pains. These wounds can fester and rot, weighing us down with crushing regret. What makes the difference between the two outcomes? How do we choose the better way?

We must summon the courage to swallow the bittersweet pill. I found it through writing and being still. Now I’d like to share (bear with me if you will). More words onto this page are ready to spill. Watch now how they turn to a poem. I pray they may help steer you back home.

Yo, is it true? Do I have the world’s ear?

Then the first words I’d disperse would be about fear.
Our greatest nemesis; it lives in the mirror,
Love alone beats it and can help you see clear, And without love, living’s so cavalier.

It’s hard to believe that…

The mere marvel of living, of your being here,
Can be so easily swiped up and stolen within fear’s hostile grip,
It’s right at your feet now, tryin’ and lyin’ to make you trip,
It tells you you’re tiny, an insignificant drip.

Just a
drop
in the sea.

That’s a lie, an illusion, a thought we must flee.
It’s a curse, a delusion, and we’re born just to be,
Something much greater, Dig deep and you’ll see,
That you are surely a drop
But of your own degree,
And that makes you much more,
In fact, that sets you free.

You must believe that…

There’s a little bit of you in every me,
There’s a little bit of sadness in every glee,
An infinite universe in each little inch of a tree,
A little bit of bitter coupled with every sweet.

And once you start to believe that…

You’ll come to see…

We’re shaped for our spot, and where we stay to our zone,
You’ll find in those “ruins,” that you sit on a throne.
Not just the word,
But the meaning inside it,
Abide now in peace, ever beside it.
Let the words guide you, as you grow on your way,
Let them reveal themselves like the light of new day.
Now gently breaking, now a luminous bloom,
This presence now here that could fill up a room.

The power of healing lies in each word you lay,
To learn where love’s leading, let there be no delay,
It’s calling your name, to be bold if I may,
Here’s what you have, and here’s what I pray:

You hold in your hands one moment, one day,
And I pray you’ll unfold the wonder within it, That you’ll embrace the buffet,

And in those moments of sorrow, when living looms grey,
Let the love that still lingers reshape you like clay.
Feel the power of love’s fingers arranging a novel array.

Your greatest teacher and your greatest friend lives still in the wallows, in the shattered remains of your heart,
And that broken heart within you isn’t the end,
love, it’s the start.

Dear World,

It’s hard to choose my most impactful life lesson, as I’ve had plenty thus far. Sometimes, I feel as if my lessons up until this point could fit into an entire lifetime for someone else. I know they’ve all been necessary for my evolution because I believe a significant reason our souls are here is to learn, grow, and evolve into a wiser version of ourselves.

Adversity in life can diminish us to ashes, but we can choose to rise into a more empowered state. Multiple moments in my life have felt like the death of my old self and the rebirth of a new version of me.

I’ve learned the importance of compassion, kindness, respect, consent, and the necessity for authenticity, even if people around you disapprove. To be true to yourself is to respect yourself.

Anxiety, rumination, and incessant negative words to myself have taught me to give myself compassion, even when it’s challenging. I must habitually interrupt negative thoughts and redirect my mind toward the door of kindness. Being my own best friend has been vital.

Learning to hold space for my pain has been pertinent as I’ve navigated people telling me that my pain is unimportant and minuscule, even though it isn’t. Mine isn’t, and yours isn’t. Our pain matters, and we must create a safe emotional space. I must honor my pain even if the world doesn’t care. You also must honor yours.

I’ve learned it’s okay to feel uncomfortable and state if I don’t consent. Whether or not it matters to anyone else, it matters to me.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel how I feel, even if others wish I felt differently. It’s alright to be sensitive; the world needs more sensitivity because compassion comes with it.

I’ve learned the importance of self-forgiveness. I have made mistakes throughout my life, and I imagine I’ll continue to. Giving ourselves grace and recognizing the lessons that come with our errors is essential. Most importantly, we must wake up the next day and try again.

I’ve learned that if people disrespect me, I must counteract that disrespect with kindness toward another while keeping a boundary with the person who disrespected me.

All of these have been vital lessons for me thus far, and I imagine I’ll learn many more, but one lesson has reared its beautiful head amongst all the rest:

SPEAK

In a world that wants me to be quiet, I must speak.
In a world that wants me to follow the status quo, I must speak.
In a world that wants me to keep its secrets, I must speak.
In a world that wants me to hide myself to keep someone else content, I must speak.

Maybe this isn’t your most significant life lesson, but it’s mine, and I ask you to consider it. The world wants us to pretend we’re fine while crumbling inside. In my experience, the world wants us to remain quiet while people disrespect us. People expect us to allow this disrespect because God forbid we tell someone we don’t like their behavior. They’d have to look at themselves if we spoke up.

Too bad, I say. It’s time to look.

I learned to accept and use my voice by allowing people to disrespect me, tell me my feelings don’t matter, tell me I’m not allowed to feel them, and tell me I should be quiet.

I learned this as I lost sleep at night, wondering why the world wanted me to hide my feelings and myself.

I learned it when I said yes to things I wanted to say no to and when I said nothing when I wished to object.

I learned it when I was looked in the eye and told my feelings and pain don’t matter.

I learned it when I finally asked myself who was holding me back: the world or my own fears.

I will no longer cater to the world, protect people from what they don’t want to hear, or play politics in a world that desperately needs humility and authenticity.

I will learn from my mistakes, as I have in the past.

As I do so, I will speak.

Will you speak?

I want to hear you,
Rachael

Dear World,

I see now that my anger which once was my great protector, now is my captor. Here’s my story:

Anger wraps her roots around me.

Always looming
Threatening to pull me down if I don’t feed her.
Always suffocating

She pretends she’s my fan, as she picks my pocket.
If she were a drink, she would be Dark & Stormy.
If she were a lover, she would be Delilah.
If she were a plant, she would be a Venus Flytrap.

She has barricaded herself in the deep recesses of my heart.
Lying, telling me I am safer with all these locks on the door.
Reminding me that no one can get in.

But I can’t get out either.
Like my computer passwords, the only one I am safe from is myself.

She’s been here so long; she feels like she has squatter’s rights.
We are married by common law.

She reminds me I can’t make it without her.
She tells me you tried that remember and your heart was broken.
She says you’re better angry – trust me.
She feasts on my peace of mind.
She robs me of my creativity.
She tells me I need no one besides her.
She has a stronghold on my mind and my heart.
She cuts me off from my magic and synchronicity.

With me, you never have to grieve.
You can avoid your thoughts & fears.
I sustain you; I built you, without me your success will fade.

She burns my house down, with me locked inside.
It’s time for her to go.
She cannot be defeated with fire, only love.

It’s time to let her go. I realize that all the locks on the door to my heart are on the inside. Only I can unlock them, one at a time. Here’s my releasing anger meditation:

Slowly…
Patiently…
Breathing deeply…
I unlock each of my anger locks.
Anger, I love you – I set you free from my mind.
Anger, I love you – I set you free from my body.
Anger, I love you – I set you free from my heart.
Anger, I love you – I set you free from my grounding.
Anger, I love you – I set you free from my healing and creativity.

It was she who was afraid, not me.

Finally, we are free.

I pity those who haven’t stumbled upon that everything has a reason
And most of your lows are for building
You must always trust your intuition
Everyone has some hate passed down like a lesion
If you stay open and honest you’ll find your vision

Write it down. Leave nothing out of the paper. No spaces. You don’t have to buy a fancy notebook that makes it feel like a task or an obligation. It’s just you and your pen. If you use a pencil, you’ll correct yourself. There’s nothing that needs to be fixed or edited. It already happened. Don’t use your screens and fingertips. Take yourself back to a time when you didn’t stop until writing hurt your knuckles. When you were so into it, the writing stopped making sense to anyone but you. Talking to yourself won’t cut it. Let your thoughts watch you ink them out loud. Let your pain jump from you into the white surface. Let your scars open up and ooze onto the parchment. Write about when you’re delighted. When you dropped your first pencil in class. It was so quiet, and everyone was looking.
Did it hurt to be watched? You take these times with you wherever you go. Put them down so you can make space for every day. What now? Read them. You were there. You felt it happen. Being honest with yourself is more challenging when you’re distracted by everything around you. When you’re worried about someone else peeking in. Just make it all stop. Write it down. You don’t have to be a Scrabble champion to scribble. Doodle, turn it into life. Don’t throw it away. Look back at it to see how far your cow jumped over the moon. When it’s over, turn to the next page, get up, and live in the now.

It took me all of a nanosecond to know the most important thing I learned in my life and it was definitely a lesson. There was no thinking about it..no contemplating about all the lessons that have been taught to me. I have lived over six decades and when I say there have been dozens of lessons I have learned that would probably be an understatement. Of course going through the daily life that each of us does we certainly never think what is happening will teach us something down the road. We just go about our living either enjoying it or not. It’s not until we move on that we realize what we were taught from our circumstances.
I started by saying this took me no time at all to know my greatest life lesson but then I panicked. I thought if I write about this it makes me look like the unhappiest person in the world. So I stopped in my tracks and figured out I had to come up with something different. There had to be a lesson I learned that was positive or happy or hopeful! For days I started to write only to delete and start all over again. Why was I having so much trouble trying to come up with something…I instantly had what my true life lesson was so why was I taking so long trying to come up with another one?
I thought back through my life and realized I was trying to make something up that just didn’t exist. If I was to be truthful I would have to go back. I spent so much of my childhood and adult life trying to not believe the things my mom had told me because lets face it, she was my mom and how could she know anything? Luckily we all grow out of that and realize our moms are always there for us.
Sadly and unfortunately she was right and the greatest life lesson came from her. She told me early on that there is only one person to trust in life and that is the person staring back at you in the mirror. Of course I thought she was crazy. I had friends, family, coworkers and numerous other people I could trust in my life and apparently my mom was just a bitter woman who wasn’t happy.
Then life hit…In the last 15 years I found out exactly what she meant. Just because someone is blood does not mean they are loyal or family for that matter. We just share a lot of the same DNA. Just because someone pretends to be your friend does not mean they can be trusted because sometimes they truly aren’t happy for your happiness. The people in my life that I NEVER thought would hurt me have gone above and beyond trying to destroy me. I have found the true meaning of abuse and again shocked that the abuse was from people I gave my life for.
This is not because I am old and bitter but because other people have shown me who they are by their own actions. My mom was right and I only wish she was here to see that. When something bad happens in my life now I look in the mirror and say “you got this, you can get through anything” and when something good happens I never forget to say to myself “Good job you did it”.
This is about the best lesson I learned and although I would have liked it to be a more positive lesson, THIS was and is my greatest lesson. The person you want in your life is someone who is loyal, trustworthy and willing to help you from their heart and to never intentionally hurt you. It should be someone who is willing to give their life for you if needed. I still have hope for people and maybe even a little tiny bit of faith but when it comes down to my life these days I realize there is absolutely nothing wrong with looking in that mirror and knowing you found that person looking back at you.