“Yes you are.” “No I am not.”
“Yes you are.” “No I am not!”
“YES YOU ARE!” “NO I AM NOT!”

“Do you remember God?”
A mother’s first question.
“It would be so easy to shoot you right now!”
A father’s first actions.

“No I am not.”

The one with a choice is not me.
Hate is chosen.
Love is built in.

A heart beating warmth to your soul.
I tried so hard.
The voices insisting what my head could not accept.

“NO I AM NOT!”

My tomboy ways convince you.
But we are not homies.
You do not know me.
You haven’t a clue.

“I deserve to be hated?
I am a sinner?
I am a pedophile?
I am going to Hell?”
So disgusting.
Closing the doors to my dark secrets

Years of torment.
How could this be?
Exploding with emotion.
It all must go.

The negativity.
The hair.
The self-hatred.
No more!

“I Am!”

Lifting my head.
Buttoning that nice blue shirt.
Lacing up my boots.
It feels so good.

Now, sideways looks.
“No we can’t serve you.”
“Don’t not touch our things.”
“Do you have a mask?

“Am I sick?”

“No!”

I am not sick.
I am not bad
I do not deserve that!

I am me.
The best me.
The kind me.
The smart me.
The loving and honest me.

It’s time to dive head first.
Opening the doors to the darkest closet.

I put on my big-girl boxers.
I grabbed that blue button-up.
And threw on my hat.
I put that rainbow belt on that screamed, “I’m so not her roommate.”

I tore those doors down.
I stepped out of that closet.
I am a tool belt lesbian.
Thanks, TikTok ur a librarian

I can never go back.
My head is held high.
I’m holding your hand.
“Do you?””I do!”

The dos and the don’ts
The nos and the nots
It all falls off
So all you got
Is I AM

First day!
What to expect?
Exited, nervous, undefinable?
Confused, turned around,
Don’t know where to go,
Or how to study?

Well you’re not alone,
My first time at university
I was eighteen, unsure
Of what career to persue,
And what to study for me to succeed.

A new chapter in lives
New expectations, responsibilities,
That weigh heavily, as duties
To self and society’s demands
On your ability to make moneys,

Live alone,
Pay rent,
Have a relationship,
That’s heaven sent,
Have 1.75 children and pant
As you pay bills that pile, always spent.

Firsts are always flustering, lone,
As none other than expectations, gone, gone
Down the tubes as reality is a forgone
Hindrance to cheer that has none
Of the tools for survival except a will made of bone.

©️ Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

A fleeting moment is what it was.
Back then, when you stayed the weekend at your not-yet dad’s house.

A simple question is asked,
“Do you want to move here?”

You were so tired, awake past your bedtime.
You had to get up before dawn to drive the hour back home with your mom.

You asked, “What do you mean?”
Excited at the choice, but scared to jump into a new school; a new life.

You always were, and still are, a recluse at heart.
But, the question was asked again and you said yes without much thought.

You never did fit in, but you never noticed.
Not until it was too late, but you never really cared.

And did you ever regret the move?
Well, you still live there, don’t you?

What would you do if I died today…

What would you do if I died today? Would even bat an eye? Would know what I was truly feeling deep inside? Would you question my motives? Would you shed a tear? Would you blame yourself or simply hide in fear?

What would you do if I died today? Would you call my family near? Would you morn my broken spirit? Would you grieve? Would you care? Would you be astringent or simply angry at the thought?

What would you do if I died today? How could you handle the pain? Is it harder knowing you failed me or maybe you’d be ashamed? Would you put my picture up? Would you hide it from the world or simply place a flower below the iced flag poles?

What would you do if I died today? Would take a look at your actions? Would you regret your mistakes? Would you raise your concerns? Would fight for a greater faction? Would pay closer attention to me sitting in your void? Would modify your behavior or simply look away?

What would you do if I died today? How would you view my perspectives? How would you handle that mistreatment, the laughter, the judgment, and the resentment? How could you sleep at night? How could you carry on? How could you rise above it all or could you simply just move on?

What would you do if I died today? To be honest, simply nothing. My spirit has been broken and my mind is left with nothing. My values have been stripped from me. My passion has been mangled. My hope has been flatlined and my character has been dissevered.

What would you do if I died today? I could be anyone in your life. You simply just cannot open your eyes to tell from all the spit. I am an open door, a whisper in the air, the chills from a cold night, or a just shadow to be fair. I’ve come to you so many times, but my voice is never heard. It’s sombre to really feel this way. It’s dreary and dismal. But, the fact you choose not to help is honestly the worst of them all.

What would you do if I died today? Please tell me I’d like to know! Closed minds are just like lost souls. Trapped to wander aimlessly and looking for hopeless goals.

“Dreams really can come true”

*I often look back at my younger self and think, oh, if she could see me today!

If I had the chance to tell her what I know now, what would I say?

Things are much different now than they were back in the day.

*You see when I was young I didn’t have your typical dream

My life wasn’t always what it seemed

Some days all I wanted to do was scream.

*There were times in my life I didn’t think I was going to make it.

There were days where all I wanted to do was quit.

You see I had trauma that needed healing, but I never wanted to admit.

*I thought that I could do it all on my own.

I never wanted any of my pain to be shown.

So I thought, I had to go through it all alone.

*Truth was there was always someone by my side.

He stood there with his arms open wide.

All I had to do was lay down my pride.

*You see pride is a deceiver, it makes you think you can do it all.

Truth is it just puts up a wall.

Eventually you learn, that the burden is too much to carry, and you fall.

*That’s what happened to me.

I fell down right on my knees.

Praying to God to forgive me, please!

*I had felt so worthless that I never thought I could be loved.

God said to me, my daughter you are beloved.

Your sins are forgiven because of his blood.

*Jesus gave his life so that I could be saved.

So that I no longer had to live a life of being enslaved.

His sacrifice and forgiveness makes me feel amazed.

*So here I am today.

I stand here to say, all will be okay!

With Jesus, you will find your way!

*Your dream to be loved and to be free is available for you.

I’m here to tell you that you will make it through.

With God he makes all things new.

*Dreams really can come true!

It can happen for you too!

So never give up on your pursuit!

Dear Unsealers,

The moment that changed my life happened on a random Thursday in August of 2002. However, when it happened, I didn’t know my life would change.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here…

We have to go back to the summer of 2001.

I had a pair of surgeries on my right leg. This was the third round of surgery on my leg in an attempt to fix a deformity that had been with me since childhood. The most profound complication that having cerebral palsy brought into my life. Seven stitches and three pins in my middle toes. I was bedridden for most of the summer and at a shallow point. But I knew that I couldn’t give up on myself so easily.

Nine months of physical therapy would follow. Twice a week after school, I would travel to the Hospital For Special Surgery on the east side of Manhattan. It wasn’t easy, as my knee stiffened up in the process. In time, I would go from a wheelchair to a walker and a cane before ultimately ending up with a brace on my right leg.

On this particular Thursday, I went to visit with my surgeon. At the end of the appointment, he uttered these words: you can take the brace off.

I looked at him dumbfounded, and a bit terrified. I hadn’t taken a step forward without help in some time. But he wasn’t kidding, I could take the brace off my leg.

As I did, I took the first step forward. A beaming smile came across my face and so did it on the face of my mother. I took a few steps more after that.

All the memories of doctor’s appointments, orthopedics, and surgeries faded away. I could feel my self-esteem starting to come back after a lifetime of feeling terrible about myself with all the other complications.

With perfect timing too, as my senior year of high school was close at hand. I couldn’t wait to show everyone my leg without the brace there.

This was the moment when I was reborn.

To know you now, is to know you then
…even if I didn’t.

I thought I did, but now..
I’m certain that I didn’t.

I felt the love, the way you wanted
until,
I just…didn’t.

It hurts my heart,
what I thought was you and now I see isn’t.

To know you now, is to accept
what I didn’t see
what I wouldn’t hear before…

and wonder if you can finally feel
all that is unspoken…
forevermore.

To know you now, is to long for all that could be…should be
that and so many memories more…

But in the end,
to know you saved me
and also crushed me to my core.

life how quickly and swiftly things can change within a snap of a finger your life can never, may ever not be the same that day getting questioned into thinking their personal thinking wasn’t even their thinking into thinking what was ever a thought

of being on earth but listen there’s two things in this world being sane or insane but crazy is what most people would say or label you just because of one bad episode you had within your own television show
you watched that personal day

the show wasn’t really that good but in the ending why did it have to end badly?

Like some people would question and say but that’s just like people who can’t help but control majority of their emotions and feelings when they don’t know what’s GOING ON , ON, TURN ON!!!!

that television for what’s about to happen that day but then comes drama in every show
now all of a sudden all things change

the character, the time, the places, the plot even the EPISODE NAME but CRAZY is what you, you, him, her, she, them, they, whatever what people like you would even say because you don’t recognize change

you don’t know how it feels to be sane then insane then crazy for that specific day but SPECIAL BEING, Great individual, Intelligent person, caring, motivational, humanitarian, but you just call them everything else but their name

when you don’t recognize or could even acknowledge mental health as being crazy or insane like almost every ignorant person would think to say or rub off on special being in every single way

but the episode ended before you could even watch something else again but you didn’t see or acknowledge it before the transform of change

now you realize things weren’t ever really the same or there’s time for a greater change especially starting with the title of the episode name

A year ago today, I was admitted to the hospital because my bout with COVID had taken a turn for the worse. It started mild in mid-February but by March 3rd I could not shake my high fever of 105 degrees. As I was being wheeled to the triage nurse’s area. I prayed silently that I would walk out of the hospital alive. No, I was not being melodramatic. My fear is derived from being a sufferer of an autoimmune disease called Rheumatoid Arthritis. I knew the reality of compounding COVID with a compromised immune system can be a deadly combination.
As you can see, my prayer was answered but not without a challenging path. I spent three months in hospital on the road to recovery.
During the past year, I:
Celebrated my birthday unconscious on a ventilator
Spent a month and a half in the ICU fighting for my life
Had a tracheotomy to keep my lungs saturated with oxygen
Had to learn to swallow drink, and eat
Had to learn how to stand and walk after being in a hospital bed for so long.
Cried many days because I could not do the most basic things by myself like brushing my teeth.
Missed out on the first 3 months of my youngest’s Sophomore year because I was bedridden.
Cried during events like my child’s Choir concert, my daughter’s Sweet Sixteen party, and even pulmonary rehabilitation sessions because I couldn’t believe I’d made it out of the house
Have learned every single respiratory apparatus known to man. I have been living on oxygen since last March. So far, I have reconciled in my brain that it will probably be for life.
But have had some people (most people, because I have the best people in my life) show me incredible support and compassion—and share their stories with me
Long Covid and Rheumatoid Arthritis are not a great marriage but at least I am alive. Trying to figure out my new normal.
Learned about the realities of job hunting while on oxygen. I am so used to being able to hide my disability but now that I have a visible challenge it is much more difficult.
Even though my journey with Long Covid has been a rough one, I have my sense of humor through it all. I took pleasure in naming twin oxygen tanks after characters in one of my favorite cartoons. I have built my arm muscles because the two tanks along with the carrier are twenty pounds. In addition, I find joy in matching picking out fabric for custom tank covers. Of course, I see them as an accessory, and they have to coordinate with my outfit. My life has changed considerably over the past year. I am grateful to be able to do the mundane routines that I used to take for granted. I do not let my circumstances bring me down. As my grandmother would say, “I’m still here”.

Dear You,
From the day you were born, you had trouble.
Your parents always told you, “if you were the first you would have been the last.”
Your siblings always called you “fat lips” or “venus fly trap.”
Your friends always criticized you for asking “stupid” questions.
The hard truth is, you just didn’t know.
You thought you were going to be the highschool dropout, the failure of the family, the
kid that people always called “not the brightest crayon in the box” because you couldn’t read, or
write, or count, or do anything in particular.
Your looks were average, your learning capabilities were below average, so what could
you do to make it to the top of the food chain?
Absolutely nothing.
Cry yourself to sleep, harm yourself until your Mom screams at you and your Granny
tells you how disappointed she is. But it’s okay, you only wanted the attention anyway.
To feel loved, really.
You went from school, to school, to school.
Teachers could not teach,
Kids laughed at you for getting the answer wrong,
And you hated yourself.
Your favorite color was blue, you loved to read, and lacrosse was your escape from
reality.

You finally found your way up the food chain, you were athletic, you were called a
daredevil for the crazy things you did, but sometimes, you felt scared.
Mom and Dad wanted you to play lacrosse in college, but you were barely getting
through elementary school, middle school, high school. Everything was so pointless and you just
wanted to lay in bed until your Dad yelled at you to do something, anything, anywhere.
You found joy when you got two kittens. You named them Sassy and Buddy. They helped
you through the pandemic.
You got to snuggle them and they would never tell you anything that you didn’t want to
hear.
They only ever loved you.
You were diagnosed with mental disorders and learning disabilities.
Buddy had emergency surgery. He didn’t make it. Neither did your old dog, Lexi. Your
world shattered.
You vowed to cherish your animals for as long as possible. You vowed to take photos of
them whenever you could. You never know when they will leave this world.
You tried to be happy for the people around you. For your friends, your siblings, your
parents and teachers and anyone else who cared. It was always so, so hard.
You rediscovered your love for writing. Your teacher at your new school cared about you
and looked out for you. You made new friends. You committed to a college to play lacrosse. You
felt like you were healing.
You got into that college. You went to a suicide victim’s funeral, and then another. You
became angry at them, for leaving such a beautiful world. But then you remembered how ugly it
had been to you.

You moved away to college. You went to your Grand Dad’s funeral. You had a hard time
fitting in. You had to put down one of your horses at home on the farm. Your confidence was
faltering. But your academics were the only thing that mattered.
A’s and B’s. No more, no less. If you fail, your whole life would be for nothing. Your
dreams would be lost. Fail and you lose.
You enter your second year of college, and you confessed to your teammate that you
weren’t happy. You confessed to yourself at that moment, and you cried. She tells you that she
loves you, and she’ll help you get through this. Your other teammates are nicer to you, they talk
to you and involve you in things. It makes you happy to feel loved.
Even when it may not be real.
In your heart it’s real. It will help you feel better about yourself.
You vowed to love everyone so they never feel how you did for your entire life.
You vowed to heal.
Your journey isn’t over, and you have a long way to go. But through the ups and downs
you finally feel like you’re ready to find peace with yourself.
Dear You,
Thank you for loving you when no one else would.
You’ve been through so much.

Best,

Dear Mom… I’m sorry about my last letter.
Guess that was a big event for you too, huh?

Our last words will be our last.
I can’t tell you all I want to say, I want to, but I can’t.
Least not to your face, like always.

I miss you, I love you. I’m sorry.
A thousand times sorry, I had to go, I had to.

2021 was his 10th anniversary, and for each of those years, I did my best.
I was still a child, Mom. Where did you go…? Why were the walls of your room better than being with me? I wasn’t your natural born, and I sure know that now… She made sure of that.

I’m sorry about my last letter, Mom. It took months to find the courage. To say goodbye to the only person I ever knew. The meaning I gave my life – taking care of you. You wouldn’t know Mom, I cried myself to sleep for months after it. Wondering if I did the right thing, even though I had everyone’s full support, I tried. I tried. I gave my everything. I tried until I couldn’t.

It ended with us. And I’m the only one left out, like always.
I wanted the best for you, but I wanted the best for me too.
Neither of us was that.

I tried until my detriment, I tried. You were my world.
It has been some time, but life is better now,
and like before, it will get better again.

I miss you Mom, I hope you’re doing well.
I think about you almost every day.

I’m sorry I couldn’t stay, I know why…
Every day I wish I could come back, to when it was good.
Somewhere you started hating me…
Maybe I had too much of my biological father in me, I don’t know.
You did often compare us two, while I was growing up.
What did you see in me, that made you hate me…

Maybe I’ll write again, there’s still so much left to say. My letters will be to you like they are to Dad. Addressed to the void and the stars. Words left unsaid.

Even in those unsaid words, I can say things are better, I can say I still love you, I can say I miss you. Goodbye Mom, until we meet in the void again.

Tears rolled down my face as I realized for the first time that I had to take accountability for the parts I played in the heartache, grief and disappointment I had experienced in my life.

For the ones I loved, I had always been willing to show up at the drop of a dime. Even overlook my self to be of service to others and when it wasn’t reciprocated it devastated me. Often I wondered why I wasn’t good enough to be treated as I had treated others? Why was my passion for people draining me? Why wasn’t I valued as I valued others? As these thoughts plagued my mind; I had never felt fulfilled but yet I still gave of myself; even if it was just fumes of hope and perseverance.

As I lay one morning, spiritually empty and struggling to understand the purpose for my life and the unbalanced return of my goodness. I heard a faint laugh followed by a voice that questioned me. “Do you know why you continue to be disappointed by (hu)man?” I sat clueless, speechless and puzzled and God answered, “Because you put your expectations in everyone except me!” The realization had smacked me dead in the face! I had totally disregarded God by not trusting HIM to be whom he said HE IS, HAS BEEN AND WILL BE! I hadn’t leaned on him, yet I had expected from others, what I needed; not what they were able or capable to give. Neither had I took the time to see if they were knowledgeable of how to give it.

For example, when I needed and wanted love; I picked and set upon individuals my expectations on how, when, where and what I wanted that love to look like. I was completely unaware or either I totally disregarded if they even knew how to love; what love was; when to show it or express it.

God showed me in that moment that I had put more faith in his creation than HIM, THE CREATOR. How crazy was I to do that? I had been putting him last to depend on, consult with and follow. I had unconsciously considered (hu)man to be more fulfilling to me than God and that’s why I had felt so empty.

From that day I stepped out the way and asked God to be God! I have never put a human before him again. I trust him with all of me and every aspect of my life. And in return he has granted me some of my greatest desires and the greatest of them all is MY PEACE. It wasn’t until I begin to trust him did I discover it had laid dormant in me the entire time, I just had to release it.