My fear began the moment I uttered the words that I’m pregnant.
My life was always filled with instability but when you were involved, it was stable.
My pregnancies were never good so I didn’t expect this one to be any different however, you were always my hero.
You see I went through them all by myself without any support.
But you were my best friend who guided me and held me up through my toughest moments,
So I didn’t expect you to be like them and leave me wandering lost and confused.
When our bond started to break then I started questioning my self worth.
I also started questioning if I was failing you as your lady.
A home isn’t always four walls.
A home can sometimes be two eyes and a heartbeat.
You were my home and knowing that I had part of you growing inside of me and you pulling yourself away from me,
I started to feel broken and homeless.
Time has passed and I just want it all back.
Things aren’t as easy but they are better.
You still give me butterflies and your kisses at the end of the day are the best.
Our daughter is so attached to you and our kids want this to work because they were the happiest when we were all a family.
But I’m in fear of being abandoned again as we are working on our relationship.
I love you so much and have loved you since we were kids.
That won’t ever change.
The love will continue to grow just like my fear will.

You had me just last week.
On the 24th day of September.
After a drive to grab some things,
It was a session that I could always remember.
I sit and think about our interaction.
And how it instantly pulled me back together.
For me just to go home and think about you,
It’s been raining all day and my mood now matches the weather.
Then you come back to what was once our house,
Which I now live alone in with my son and our daughters,
And I fed you while you played with our youngest as I fought my urge to kiss you,
For you to just come back to see me later on that night and take me again…
just like I was all yours, always in all ways, for you to go and leave right after.
Put me right to sleep.
I just hope this doesn’t end again in a disaster.
My love continues to grow,
I don’t know what your intention is but I’m letting you lead,
I keep saying I’m leaving it in God’s hands,
I just want our family back but I don’t know if that’s what you want it to be.
You’re keeping quiet about your feelings about me and about this.
I just want you to speak and be open.
Why are you so closed off?
Stop being hesitant and stop acting broken.
I trying not to read you,
Assumptions are always wrong.
The more I overthink,
The more it’s not going to belong.
You take every single inch of me again.
More intense each time.
Increasing the passion as my love for you does when I see you and you kiss me.
The way I know you only want me as yours and I want you as mine.
You finally confess the truth about me to me,
You’ve never stopped loving me and you keep coming back for a reason.
One of those not only being our love but also our child.
Baby I want this to work out, I don’t need this being only for a season.

My dear,
He does not care.
I’m sorry if you think he did.
He doesn’t think about you at night.
I’m sorry if you think that he does or did.
He doesn’t see your face in a crowded room.
He could be looking at the woman behind you or next to you.
He never did care about you.
He only loved you chasing him because it fed his ego.
It made his ego bigger while making your self-esteem smaller.
He doesn’t remember the feeling of kissing your lips or being intimate with you.
He’s kissed so many lips and there have been many he’s been intimate with that he’s forgotten.
He forgot the color of your eyes when the sun hits them and the shape of your eyes…
Even though you remember the words he told you to make you feel important.
And those words?
Those words were probably the same words he told all of those other women.
You remember everything because everything with him was special for you.
The intimacy, the love, the words, the smiles, and the touch.
He doesn’t talk about you or mention you to others or tell you how badly he misses you.
He never did.
You’ve questioned that and you always will.
It’s time to stop overthinking that.
You are the only fool who does that because again, you are feeding his ego which make his insecurities go away but make yours come to light.
He doesn’t love you anymore and maybe he never did and just said those words to you to get what he wanted because he had that leverage over you.
I’m sorry honey but it’s time to let him go even if he is the father of your child and was your first love.
Even if he has been the person you’ve gone to for all of your problems.
And has been what you thought was your best friend and believed that your conversations between you two were kept between the two of you when some of them weren’t.
Walk away…
Let go of that love you are holding to.
Nothing is going to be like it was because it never was genuine.
Let him go.
Let it go.
Stop standing there paralyzed by the pain of what was done to you.
Move on.

Never ignore a person who cares for you.
Because someday you’ll realize
You’ve lost a diamond, while you were busy collecting stones.
You see…I’ll do a lot for a man I love…
But I’ll do even more for a man I know that loves me…or so I thought.
You’ve got to build with somebody who wants it as bad as you do.
I thought he did but I was fed something until I didn’t want to be fed anymore.
I never wanted to control him.
I wanted to let him do what he wanted so I can see what he would rather do.
I let him lead.
There is something sexy about letting a man lead in the relationship, just as long as he’s not controlling it or controlling me.
His actions will show how much he respects you and how much he loves you.
Just because you’ve brought something up, it doesn’t mean you want to argue.
It means communication.
It means you want to resolve things, get some clarity, learn, and grow together.
You both are adults and should be able to communicate.
I did so much for a man and was left because he couldn’t communicate and I believe he grew bored and that it broke my self esteem.
Maybe the 6, almost 7 years was too much for him.
But he told me this:

“You care and worry about the wrong things and let them eat you up to the point you turn and lash out so how about you know something. If it wasn’t for you half of my ships wouldn’t have sailed, you saved my ass on numerous occasions. You are worth more than money can buy and know that you yourself just in care alone… your currency is priceless, you’re more than dreams can buy. Like stop letting the little things you think and feel deter you from being in a happier place. Yeah things suck and aren’t what you want but that doesn’t make it worthless.”

He lost his diamond.
Funny because I was born in April.
He knows what I am worth now after everything he’s done to me but yet I still ask myself this question…
Why didn’t he fight for me?
Why wasn’t I enough for him to stay around for?
Why has he stayed with who he’s with now but has let me go so fast?
Oh wait, I’m sorry, he repeatedly tells me he’s not with her.
Things aren’t what they seem.
He’s not happy.
He wants to get away from all of that.
I am the mother of his youngest daughter.
The woman his other children love and who I love so much like I was the one who carried them inside of me and gave them life.
His best friend of over 20 years.
We planned a forever together, chose the colors, the theme, songs, and now look.
Nothing…
All due to his infidelity and I can’t seem to shake it off that maybe it was also due to me growing half of him inside of me.
He and I weren’t ready to be parents again.
But I accepted this beautiful little blessing that came to be another girl.

I want you.

Nothing more than to just give you those soft kisses on your lips and to have my eyes connect with yours so you feel my love exude from my stare the same way they exude from my lips when they kiss you so passionately and so softly.

Like they did when they saw you for the first time after all of those years.

When my tongue slipped into your mouth and felt your tongue as they began to slow dance with mine.

I pulled back just a little so I could suck your bottom lip so softly stopping slowly that at the end you heard that pop just when I let go as it ended it with a soft tap kiss as both of our eyes were closed.

I want you to want me the same way again.

To take me in and in every way possible…in all ways…always. Take in my words, take in my body, take in the softness of my voice as my “I love you’s” come pouring out of my mouth like the emotions and the feelings come pouring out of my heart.

Grab my thighs and hold my hands as you begin to thrust and make love to me so passionately.

Interlock your fingers into mine and take my body like you have taken my body numerous times before except you have somehow managed to make every intimate moment feel like a distant memory because that’s exactly what it is…just a memory that we might not be able to relive or make happen again. They won’t happen ever again as much as I would like it to but we both know we have been avoiding the possibility and my insecurities and negativity are a big issue and get in the way.

The memories of when you would release your love into me and then seal it with a forehead kiss are my favorite. We’d then fall asleep in each other’s arms grinning with satisfaction as I lay my head on your chest while hearing your heart beat racing because you put in a lot of work doing what you did to me. That was electrifying, intensifying, yet peaceful.

I used to live for these moments and I loved the intimacy. The communication we had and still do have was and is amazing. You are my peace on my most chaotic and most challenging days. We are slowly gravitating towards each other back slowly. I am loving the smiles I see on your face, the sun as it hits your eyes on some mornings and those full lips… goodness those full lips make me want to grab your face and give you the most beautiful yet passionate kiss ever so I can grab your hands and place them on my thighs so you can make your move but I will refrain from doing that. The intimacy is intensifying again and intimacy isn’t just sex. It is everything.