Dear Peace,

My greatest love is you. Fondly, I recall peaceful, happy times, now bittersweet and nostalgic memories. You were present at family gatherings. I would hear such wonderful and inspiring verses being read from the bible. Each waltz in the living room erased another day’s conflicts and errors. I longed for love and then I had a dream featuring you. Wheat and grass surrounded and overtowered me as I ran through the field. I noticed a hand in my grasp and while looking at him; I knew I was safe, and it felt like you. This meant I could stop running away from conflict. Not just physically, but the mental war. I just don’t feel like I fit in. I purposely observe others to learn how to communicate with others, so conversations can flow smoothly. Sometimes I envy others and how it seems like no matter how dumb their conversions seem to be, they laugh. Although my dumb remarks have sometimes drawn ridicule. Anyway, the times I have felt wronged in my life or accused of wrong-doings in my life by hypocrites are astonishing! Despite: Although provoked, I would cool off to avoid further mental distress. I’ve always kept my feelings concealed, and it always had worked. I’m not perfect and I’ve struggled with anger. Some days didn’t go as planned, leading me to snap verbally when someone annoyed me. A couple of physical attacks, most likely from a sibling or a family member. I like to avoid confusion because it feels like a mental nausea and unlike a headache; it doesn’t hurt. It just feels like there are tangled ropes in my mind. I’m not at ease when I’m confused because I freeze and I don’t react or speak and it becomes my dream paralysis, but this time I’m awake in real life. I struggle to respond, fearing judgment and ridicule. After COVID, I met someone, and it seemed like I had finally met you in real life. I couldn’t understand a single word he was saying to me; when the words that I knew would hurt me; they just didn’t hurt me. I must have been in a trance. I experienced a mental pause, like a video, and the lingering confusion became invisible. If he spoke beautiful words to me, I would recognize him as the one. I don’t know if he knew what to say, but when I felt like I was ugly, he complemented my outfit, making me feel like I was beautiful again. Exclusion was a regular feeling until I took part in group activities, even if they seemed foolish, like the conversations I envied. I wished to be a creative leader, but a lack of confidence held me back. I once gave a speech. When I was done, I saw him smile and whisper it was creative. The days I felt dumb, he called me smart. My last encounter with him, I had felt foolish. He told me I was wise. His departure made me feel as though you had also left. My mind resumed the video, increasing my confusion; Or maybe, used to you, that confusion felt odd. Confusion came back to haunt me. It still has not become clear to me if this interaction was an angel of peace, an addictive drug, a trick, or the devil’s illusion, because I can’t quite remember the ill words if he ever did. He gave me what I desired to hear. Before covid, I functioned chaotically, yet somehow thrived under stress. I want to be clear that understanding social cues was difficult, and I felt it often took me much longer than others, no matter how much I desired the opposite. Even amidst the world’s relentless pace, your patience remained through him. When I didn’t want to talk, you would ask me, and I froze and I hesitated, but you asked another time, making it seem you would listen and be patient with me when nobody else would, and I thank you for that. Since I’m aware he is gone forever, I still hope to see you again. I experienced these peaceful memories, despite their addictive nature. I will always remember you and cherish all those memories in my heart.

Dear Fear,

Throughout my life, you have always been there. You were there when I was born, watched even when I was being strangled by the umbilical cord around my neck, yet I survived. You have been there when loud noises would startle me. My growing fear was that my parents would leave or become deported. I felt I would fall off from the bike as I rode it down the sidewalk, but I managed. I would fear I would have no friends at school because I was brown, and I was different, yet I had friends throughout my school years. I had feared that I would fail school because I would feel dumb all the time. Although I still dread the day that the world seeks to attack me. People can use any minor mistake or word against me. I feel dumb and stupid like I’m not worth being heard. I just don’t think I fit into this world. I dread the day my poor choices earn me condemnation, making me feel incapable of ever doing right. In a Mexican household, insecurities are often the subject of jokes, which make me feel even more foolish and mocked. There is a moment where I question, Will you be quick to judge me or understand me when I say that I’m talking to a married man? I fear I may become a home wrecker, but I didn’t want to see someone die, and suicide is not something to joke around with unless you are careful with what words you say. I don’t understand why I had talked to a married man, but let me explain. He was going through some problems. I felt like he had low self-esteem. He reminded me of myself when nobody listens to me, and so I will listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why, but his wife and her mere presence stung my aurora from the very day I encountered her. She was strangely too nice. Almost like I could tell she was not a nice person and as if she were portraying herself as someone she wasn’t. Not long do I learn she had been cheating on him with a variety of different men every single day. It angered me because I think this gives women a poor reputation or I would think it gives men an excuse to treat a woman like trash. I couldn’t understand how someone as thoughtful and caring as he could be with someone that treats him poorly. One thing to keep in mind is that this man grew up with a horrible relationship with his mother that would make him feel like he did nothing right. I learned men marry women that remind them of their mothers. It was very condescending of his wife to tell him she wanted to kill herself too, right after he had said it. Maybe I cared too much for people because even then when she said it I was upset for her, but realized it was one of her manipulative and toxic words to keep him. This married man had told me that when he married her, he knew she suffered from bipolar disorder and her mood swings rapidly and extremely change from one emotion to another. Despite loving her, he had said that he never thought it would be a problem in the future, but it appeared he was wrong. He had now decided to divorce her even before he found out from me she was cheating. It’s unfortunate that men like him who suffer from low self-esteem often start making poor choices and start depending on substance abuse as well. I realized something was off from his life, either drinking or smoking. The unfortunate thing is that once they have become tolerant, they find no other way till they succumb to death. It’s the ultimate self-deceiving many see out of the problems they have. Although, unlike me, I have touched no substance abuse. I had thoughts of ending it all. I don’t think I deserve the blessings and I feel like trash. I can never feel like I’m worth living because I fear that the world hates me. How can someone who has always received blessings fit into this chaotic world? Even when this fear of the world hating me reminds me of it every single day, I know this fear won’t win. As long as I’m alive, I keep winning every day and proving it wrong. I would even say I have won a bonus prize because saving two lives a day is worth it.

Style: 91%

New Year, new Me shall see Twenty Twenty-five

Transformed by the holy and living God. 

I should seek the Lord more than ever, but

I am nothing.

My life needs cleansing.

My mere existence is thanks to the Lord.

I seek goals while the Lord shapes me

Oh, Lord spark a purpose for the road.

I am a mess.

Your light is dazzling. 

I have been blinded from your greatness.

The Dark drowned in pools of misery.

Tricked me to fall in that same blackhole.

I saw their pain. 

Happy to sadness

Although I could never feel their pain.

I could never fit into this world.

I thought I was the burden because

How can my life!

How can my life be 

Compared to the world’s gory horrors.

My hope vanished in the air and then

This nightmare seemed to swallow itself.

It was a lie.

But a shooting star,

A vivid sign to write poetry.

I need to become disciplined and

My Lord gives me strength in my weakness.

My King save me!

My Lord and Savior,

I will worship him and he has been

Faith, unmatched unlike other human

He is God and will create the best,

The Newest Me.

The one with tongues that

Will speak with a soft, but thundering 

Melody that will reach many ears.

From english to spanish, I will learn

Italian.

A melody that

reaches the depth of my soul and heart.

The sounds that inhabit a room of 

Intimacy and scented perfume.

He takes my hand.

Love scented roses

Mesmerize my eyes and holds my hand.

Always guiding me and renewing.

I should not worry because at the 

Highest Mountains, 

Depths of the Ocean,

The shame of my sins and my mistakes,

I will embrace my God and he will 

Perfect our relationship in trust.

In Confidence,

I will reflect love.

Slow to anger, selfish love becomes

Forgiveness that is my remedy.

I will be patient to others and 

Active to my 

Self-care and Body.

Not just hygiene, but nourishing meals.

A daily routine that challenges 

My body to radiate itself

Like bright glitter.

Not to flaunt, but stand

Against the power that holds me down.

I’m determined to showcase my goals

Til I accept my Lord makes things new.

I am Renewed.