Activity

  • The Child I Couldn't Carry

    Lil’ Lesa,

    I found you in the cereal aisle. Curled up behind the forbidden—behind the Cheerios, the Frosted Flakes, the Fruit Loops. You had folded yourself into a ball. Only when I moved the cereal did I notice how tiny your body was, how fragmented. Your beating heart hurt, and your soft green eyes were half-mad.

    You see me now—ten million miles from the promises we once made—and you think I’ve left you, too. That I’ve forgotten. Forgotten all the things that meant something. You think because I left those promises behind, I’ve become just like them. The inconsistent-parental figures who figured you were better off on the cereal shelf.

    But you’d been hiding in that space long before the hurt. Before papa’s drunk-crazed eyes. You were so afraid he’d see you there—thumb in your mouth—and take, shake, rattle all the bones, spitting spattered matter into your face. His drunken-belted fist. It welted, swelled, and stayed. Then he’d make a scene, throwing cereal boxes and other things, saying, “Look what you made me do. Be appreciative that I threw that, tore that, made those—by doing that, I saved you!”

    We ignored the lines he crossed—the promises, the relapses, the abuse. Until we couldn’t anymore. Now, I’m silent. I can’t bring myself to speak to him. I try not to care that he can’t move his body along the mountain line or fix the rusted ’67 Pontiac transmission. He crossed too many lines.

    As a child, we learned not to move. Movement meant being seen. Stillness meant being forgotten. Momma taught us forgetting. She’d leave you there—not always on purpose, but always forgetting. Forgetting her promises to come back. We are still there, Lesa. Still afraid of being left in places we can’t leave.

    When we became mothers, we feared losing our own children. We gripped their hands too tightly, tracked their steps, packed fear into their bodies, and marched them into a fictional battle. And now we watch their genes push them to run. I see it in them—the restlessness, the resistance. The echo of everything we never unlearned.

    Underneath it all, we are still the scared child beneath the stairs, behind the book, under the floorboards. I tried to move my little self beyond the scared look. But you go running every time something is hard. Something frightens you, and you run. You used to pull my hand and wonder why my feet turned to concrete.

    You said people like us don’t wait to see—we know what’s around the corner. We know that certain footfall. We can’t let them see us cry, never let them see us weep, because they use it as fuel for why they can rain more and take more. And I try to tell you: this time, it’s our children. And with them, they’ve taken my heart, my belief, my hope, my future, my happiness—and all my feelings have run off with them. But this time, I want to see. I don’t want to run.

    And you used to pull my hand harder. “Don’t stay,” you said. “It only hurts more.”

    But I want to stay. I want to believe this time is different. You don’t trust that, and I get it. I do. But I want you to know—this time, I’m not running.

    You had moved an impenetrable part of me—one I forced into silence years ago. You were a figment of my reality, a small inconsequential entity sitting on a cereal shelf. I silenced you, convinced you didn’t matter.

    But when I saw you there—thumb in your mouth—it reminded me of all our possibilities. I thought, maybe. Maybe I could love you whole. But you were the product of years and years of parental rejection. There is no easy replacement for that kind of ache.

    Still, I kept going. On the cusp of something good—when hope flickered and love started to root—you quieted inside me. Part of you was proud. Proud of the life we’ve built. The stability. The safety. The strength. And yet, part of you was heartbroken. That in protecting our children, we taught them fear.

    The doctors called it a blessing when they removed you from me. Said you must have had a defect. But I lost half of myself. There became two versions of me—one still laying silent on the operating table, holding onto you. The other, still sitting on the cereal shelf.

    But listen closely, Lil’ Lesa.

    You should be proud of me.

    We never got everything right. But we broke cycles. We loved better. We’re still learning. Still showing up. And I’m not leaving you behind anymore.

    I’m here. Still holding your hand—

    Me
    Prostyle score: 91

    Lesa Syn

    Voting starts July 2, 2025 12:00am

    Subscribe  or  log in to reply

    Ad
    Ad
  • Lauren! Thank you so very much for your comments and how supportive you are in this form. I am so grateful to be apart of this writing community! I also wanted to thank you for asking me to join in the discussion last night on our goals. It was an amazing conversation with incredible people!
    In the meeting you had mentioned that as writers we seem to be focused on accolades and attention and that we should realize that we have our own paths and shouldn’t compare ourselves to others. I was wondering if you had any suggestions on books that encourage that kind of thinking or suggestions on how to get into that kind of mindset?

    Subscribe  or  log in to reply

    Ad
    Ad
  • Thank you for this poem. I have been thinking about giving my little self permission to go outside and play. I forget that I can parent myself and give myself the love I crave. Thank you for this poem!

    Subscribe  or  log in to reply

    Ad
    Ad
  • I really love the idea of the wishing pennies. As children they are magical and as adults they are considered lucky if found a certain way. I really liked the line “So here’s my final penny, the only one that’s left
    It’s something that I’m trying very hard not to forget. ”
    It is easy to get caught up in our heads that we forget that we are dreamers and believers in magical things. Something to keep in mind!

    Subscribe  or  log in to reply

    Ad
    Ad
  • 2025 Paint the Stars

    It’s 2025
    A new year,
    New promises, new dreams.
    But all I see is an empty canvas—
    Not one brimming with potential,
    But one haunted by shadows,
    A faint echo of what it once was.

    I long for the days
    When the future felt vast and bright,
    When my dreams danced like sparks in the dark,
    And the stars were mine to paint.
    Back then, the canvas whispered,
    “Anything is possible.”

    But now, the stars are distant,
    Surrounded by the toll of their brilliance.
    The cost of creation weighs heavy—
    Brushes worn thin, colors faded,
    And I wonder, is it worth it?

    Still, I hold my breath,
    Hoping to believe again.
    I ache to feel that spark,
    To trust that what I do matters.
    To dream beyond the confines of what I am told
    And step into a world of boundless skies.

    I remember a time when I lived beyond the canvas.
    When my hands held the power to create worlds—
    Purple trees, cloud-birds soaring free,
    Waves of color defying reason,
    Each stroke a rebellion,
    Each moment a masterpiece.

    But now,
    The rules have tightened around me,
    Defining what I can and cannot paint.
    Confining my imagination,
    Strangling the voice within my brush.

    Yet it’s 2025,
    A new year,
    And I dare to dream again.
    This year, I will break the rules.
    I will shatter the frame.
    I will paint not just on the canvas
    But beyond its edges,
    Onto the walls, the sky, the stars.

    This year, I will reclaim my brush,
    Mixing colors no one has ever seen,
    Creating worlds only I can imagine.
    Because the canvas is not a limit;
    It’s a beginning.

    I am a painter,
    And I am the creator of my story.
    It’s 2025,
    And the stars are waiting.

    Lesa Syn

    Voting is closed

    Subscribe  or  log in to reply

    Ad
    Ad
    • Lesa, this poem is so hopeful for the future even when it might seem a little bleak. I love how your painting represents your life and journey. As you work to reclaim your brush, I wish you all the success! Thank you for sharing!

      Write me back 

      Subscribe  or  log in to reply

    • OMG Lesa this is amazing. I feel all of this in every way and it truly inspires me. I love this part, “Yet it’s 2025,
      A new year,
      And I dare to dream again.
      This year, I will break the rules.
      I will shatter the frame.
      I will paint not just on the canvas
      But beyond its edges,
      Onto the walls, the sky, the stars.”

      I love how your dreams have been r…read more

      Write me back 

      Subscribe  or  log in to reply

    • Lauren! Thank you so very much for your comments and how supportive you are in this form. I am so grateful to be apart of this writing community! I also wanted to thank you for asking me to join in the discussion last night on our goals. It was an amazing conversation with incredible people!
      In the meeting you had mentioned that as writers we…read more

      Write me back 

      Subscribe  or  log in to reply

  • Internal Warfare

    Hello, my old friend,
    It’s me. You know me well, don’t you? After all, you’ve been living within me, feeding on my doubts and hiding in the deepest shadows of my thoughts. I’ve denied your existence for too long, and I’ve given you far too much. You’ve crept into every corner of my life, turning my sleep into restless battles. You appear in my nightmares as a shadowy figure, granting me permission to live in your world while you claim ownership of everything—my home, my children, myself. Am I supposed to feel grateful for this?
    You’ve made yourself quite comfortable in my world, dictating what I own, where I stay, what I say, and even how I dream. When I wake, the reality of your presence hits me like an icy wave, drowning me with the weight of your power. And yet, here I am, trying once again to pull my head out of water and to put into words the grip you have on me. We’ve done this dance before, haven’t we? You push my head down too far this time, and I refuse to relent.
    Let me make this clear: you’re a pest. You’re the shapeless monster that chased me in childhood dreams, the one that kept my feet weighed down with leaded concrete as I tried to run. You’re the unseen force that breaks my heart and spins my mind in circles. But what are you, really? Are you a shadowy stranger pushing me toward growth, or just a figment of my mind, feeding on my uncertainties?
    I’ve spent too long trying to define you, to understand why you scare me so. Is it because you’re imperceptible, living just beyond my view? Or is it because confronting you means risking everything? Perhaps it’s time I stop trying to define you and start challenging you instead. Let me start again.
    Hello, Fear.
    It’s me again, challenging you. You’ve become a basilisk in my life—a predator slithering through the shadows of my subconscious. Your gaze petrifies me, as though my every step might shatter into ruin beneath your weight. I’ve tried to avoid you, to pretend you’re not there, hoping that ignorance might weaken you. But you’re cunning, aren’t you? You thrive in the corners of my denial, growing stronger with every moment I refuse to look directly at you.
    You’ve made yourself at home in my life, coiled around my dreams and my days, squeezing the air from my ambitions. I am left in the cold void, your presence a weight I carry long after the terror fades.
    But I see you now for what you are. You’re not invincible. A creature of the earth, bound by the same rules that govern everything else. You move silently, planting your roots, spreading your poison like ivy through the cracks of my foundation. You’ve sown seeds of doubt in my mind, daring me to leave them unchecked, daring me to let your vines grow until they strangle everything I’ve worked so hard to build.
    Yet I know your secret, Basilisk. Your power isn’t in your form—it’s in the fear you inspire. If I can stand before you and meet your gaze, I can shatter the illusion of your strength.
    I’ve faced you before, and though you’ve taken much from me, you’ve never won. I remember the woman I was at twenty-five, with two small children and a heart full of determination. I walked out of your lair then, leaving behind everything you held over me. I stepped into a small apartment that was mine, utterly mine, free of your coils for the first time. It was terrifying. I lost so much. Yet, in that moment, I found something you could never possess love.
    I met your gaze, and though the weight of your presence lingered, I proved to myself that I could survive.
    So why should I let you win now? Why should I let you coil tighter around me when I’ve already broken free of you once? You may have taken advantage of my complacency over the years, but that brave girl I was hasn’t vanished. She’s still within me, waiting for me to listen. She will take my hand and say, “We’ve got this. We’ll do better for them.” She’ll point to my children, reminding me of the strength I drew from them the last time I faced you.
    This is my promise: I will no longer let you hide in the shadows. I will pull you into the light. I will confront you, strip you of the power you’ve claimed, and show you that you are nothing without me—you will vanish.
    I’ll keep moving, not because I’m fearless, but because I refuse to let you win.
    Farewell, Fear,
    Me

    Style Score 100%

    Lesa Syn

    Voting is closed

    Subscribe  or  log in to reply

    Ad
    Ad
    • Lesa, this letter to fear is powerful and relatable. I love when you mentioned looking fear in the face and meeting its gaze in order to shatter its strength. If we give in to fear it has the potential to control us. My favorite line is your last one: “I’ll keep moving, not because I’m fearless, but because I refuse to let you win.” We can be afr…read more

      Write me back 

      Subscribe  or  log in to reply

    • Hi Lesa, you are such an inspiration! I find it so elegant how you embodied your fear as this metaphorical and monstrous Basilisk. And I especially love this line, this proverbial break-into-three moment: “ I met your gaze, and though the weight of your presence lingered, I proved to myself that I could survive.” My heart races even know thi…read more

      Write me back 

      Subscribe  or  log in to reply

Share This:
Would like to install our app?
PNFPB Install PWA using share icon

For IOS and IPAD browsers, Install PWA using add to home screen in ios safari browser or add to dock option in macos safari browser

PNFPB Install PWA using share icon

For IOS and IPAD browsers, Install PWA using add to home screen in ios safari browser or add to dock option in macos safari browser

Progressive Web App (PWA) is installed successfully. It will also work in offline

Push notification permission blocked in browser settings. Reset the notification settings for website/PWA