For context, this poem is from my memoir “Rising Up”. It was Easter Communion, the church prayed, myself included. After the prayer I experienced Spiritual Warfare by being paralyzed in my seat in a praying position. That is when I said this poem out loud quietly.

Oath of Service

Dear LORD,

Forgive me,
for the sins I have done
and the shadows
that have grown
inside of me.

I beg
for forgiveness
for letting these shadows
linger inside me
for so long.

Help me be free
from the darkness.

In exchange,
I swear an oath.

Let this be
my oath of service.

I swear upon my life,
I will serve as a protector
of the people who praise you.

I will be the shield
that keeps them
safe from harm.

If those that attack
refuse to back down,
with a sense of regret
I will also be the sword
that strikes.

You teach to show compassion
to others, even those who wrong us.

In this state of madness
our world has fallen into,
I’m afraid I may have to be
the sword and the shield.

I will do my best
not be lethal.
All I will try to do
is defeat them.

If the shadows inside me
can not be removed.
Then give me the strength
to make these shadows
bend to serve you
as I will to my last breath.

After finishing I became free from my praying position. I was scared, and soon got involved with volunteer work with the church.

Everyone in the inner circle seemed to assume I’d be sad when you passed
But I wasn’t.
If anything I was more upset to learn how much pity you received
While I was frozen.

It doesn’t make sense does it?
The night of your death became the password and the key
to unlocking every single thing and door
That you walked me through.

They never had pity for me like they do with you.
I kind wish they did, but I know they never will-
So I just stare beyond my window sill
And wait for you to admit it to my face
I would’ve gotten lost in the paint
But I was worried, that my bedframe would break
I’ve tried to understand you and it worked and I forgive you,
But the aftermath of your death was a tragedy for us both.

I’d always believed that if I shared blood with a vulture
Then surely I was just like them;
The ones that slip beneath the surface and devour you
Before you are dead
Because surely, if they can’t have patience
Then I must be a monster too.

But now that we know that true vultures don’t engage in torture
And feed their lust by feeding off the innocent
This is no circle of life, it is a cycle of hell.

True vultures eat the deceased, so they cannot be monsters
And you aren’t one either,
The mistakes that you made were paved by fate
And while they are stains already made,
It is not a adultery to your kind
To love the vultures for who they are,
and hating the monsters for what they’re not,
Nor loving yourself, for being a true vulture.

Something I’ve learned
Is that Sometimes I think I’m cursed, Because there’s this shadow that follows me. 

That most would consider an inevitability, but to me it’s a fiend, 

An enemy that would take my innocence away from me, similar to the destruction of Helene in my home of western NC

Death.
It all started with my mother, when I was just a kid,
My little worried eyes watched as she slowly got more sick Though we didn’t understand,
her death, unplanned, she knew when she’d go,
So she wrote us all letters to let us all know,

 … she loved us, And we finally knew when we saw her coffin on the stand,

She was an unlucky one.
this was just the beginning of our family being undone,
death our constant companion from day one.

Its unfortunate but most men in my family die young, 
I watched helplessly as my brother became one. 

Thinking he was invincible as he flirted with death,The somber silence of hearing as the phone rung,
a call we hoped never to get.

we are the ones always riding behind the hearse,

I had to sit by and watch my grandmother cry, wishing she wasn’t alive,as she had seen another of her angels die
.
Because I was left Helpless to bring back the dead,
wishing in my head, that it could of been me instead, 

like life the cycle only started over again. Things stayed tough, 

Because as if we hadn’t been through enough,
we were barely able to grieve for those we loved…

My grandmother hiding the family Bible, saying it was bad luck, all the names and death dates written in the front.

I was home four days from school
hoping to enjoy the summer sun,
When death …claimed another one.

This time it was my uncle,
my grandmother’s youngest son,
only in his fifties.
His heart was not up to snuff
he fell,
Because the woman with him,
left him without help, to die by himself.

For us to find where he’d lain those four days,
The smell still makes me sick to this day
a month later my aunt too passed away following my uncle to the grave.
Another fallen one, Another cursed son,
More fear of who will be the next to come.

Cursed through life to always live and worry who’s next to die.

“Yes you are.” “No I am not.”
“Yes you are.” “No I am not!”
“YES YOU ARE!” “NO I AM NOT!”

“Do you remember God?”
A mother’s first question.
“It would be so easy to shoot you right now!”
A father’s first actions.

“No I am not.”

The one with a choice is not me.
Hate is chosen.
Love is built in.

A heart beating warmth to your soul.
I tried so hard.
The voices insisting what my head could not accept.

“NO I AM NOT!”

My tomboy ways convince you.
But we are not homies.
You do not know me.
You haven’t a clue.

“I deserve to be hated?
I am a sinner?
I am a pedophile?
I am going to Hell?”
So disgusting.
Closing the doors to my dark secrets

Years of torment.
How could this be?
Exploding with emotion.
It all must go.

The negativity.
The hair.
The self-hatred.
No more!

“I Am!”

Lifting my head.
Buttoning that nice blue shirt.
Lacing up my boots.
It feels so good.

Now, sideways looks.
“No we can’t serve you.”
“Don’t not touch our things.”
“Do you have a mask?

“Am I sick?”

“No!”

I am not sick.
I am not bad
I do not deserve that!

I am me.
The best me.
The kind me.
The smart me.
The loving and honest me.

It’s time to dive head first.
Opening the doors to the darkest closet.

I put on my big-girl boxers.
I grabbed that blue button-up.
And threw on my hat.
I put that rainbow belt on that screamed, “I’m so not her roommate.”

I tore those doors down.
I stepped out of that closet.
I am a tool belt lesbian.
Thanks, TikTok ur a librarian

I can never go back.
My head is held high.
I’m holding your hand.
“Do you?””I do!”

The dos and the don’ts
The nos and the nots
It all falls off
So all you got
Is I AM

First day!
What to expect?
Exited, nervous, undefinable?
Confused, turned around,
Don’t know where to go,
Or how to study?

Well you’re not alone,
My first time at university
I was eighteen, unsure
Of what career to persue,
And what to study for me to succeed.

A new chapter in lives
New expectations, responsibilities,
That weigh heavily, as duties
To self and society’s demands
On your ability to make moneys,

Live alone,
Pay rent,
Have a relationship,
That’s heaven sent,
Have 1.75 children and pant
As you pay bills that pile, always spent.

Firsts are always flustering, lone,
As none other than expectations, gone, gone
Down the tubes as reality is a forgone
Hindrance to cheer that has none
Of the tools for survival except a will made of bone.

©️ Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

A fleeting moment is what it was.
Back then, when you stayed the weekend at your not-yet dad’s house.

A simple question is asked,
“Do you want to move here?”

You were so tired, awake past your bedtime.
You had to get up before dawn to drive the hour back home with your mom.

You asked, “What do you mean?”
Excited at the choice, but scared to jump into a new school; a new life.

You always were, and still are, a recluse at heart.
But, the question was asked again and you said yes without much thought.

You never did fit in, but you never noticed.
Not until it was too late, but you never really cared.

And did you ever regret the move?
Well, you still live there, don’t you?

What would you do if I died today…

What would you do if I died today? Would even bat an eye? Would know what I was truly feeling deep inside? Would you question my motives? Would you shed a tear? Would you blame yourself or simply hide in fear?

What would you do if I died today? Would you call my family near? Would you morn my broken spirit? Would you grieve? Would you care? Would you be astringent or simply angry at the thought?

What would you do if I died today? How could you handle the pain? Is it harder knowing you failed me or maybe you’d be ashamed? Would you put my picture up? Would you hide it from the world or simply place a flower below the iced flag poles?

What would you do if I died today? Would take a look at your actions? Would you regret your mistakes? Would you raise your concerns? Would fight for a greater faction? Would pay closer attention to me sitting in your void? Would modify your behavior or simply look away?

What would you do if I died today? How would you view my perspectives? How would you handle that mistreatment, the laughter, the judgment, and the resentment? How could you sleep at night? How could you carry on? How could you rise above it all or could you simply just move on?

What would you do if I died today? To be honest, simply nothing. My spirit has been broken and my mind is left with nothing. My values have been stripped from me. My passion has been mangled. My hope has been flatlined and my character has been dissevered.

What would you do if I died today? I could be anyone in your life. You simply just cannot open your eyes to tell from all the spit. I am an open door, a whisper in the air, the chills from a cold night, or a just shadow to be fair. I’ve come to you so many times, but my voice is never heard. It’s sombre to really feel this way. It’s dreary and dismal. But, the fact you choose not to help is honestly the worst of them all.

What would you do if I died today? Please tell me I’d like to know! Closed minds are just like lost souls. Trapped to wander aimlessly and looking for hopeless goals.

“Dreams really can come true”

*I often look back at my younger self and think, oh, if she could see me today!

If I had the chance to tell her what I know now, what would I say?

Things are much different now than they were back in the day.

*You see when I was young I didn’t have your typical dream

My life wasn’t always what it seemed

Some days all I wanted to do was scream.

*There were times in my life I didn’t think I was going to make it.

There were days where all I wanted to do was quit.

You see I had trauma that needed healing, but I never wanted to admit.

*I thought that I could do it all on my own.

I never wanted any of my pain to be shown.

So I thought, I had to go through it all alone.

*Truth was there was always someone by my side.

He stood there with his arms open wide.

All I had to do was lay down my pride.

*You see pride is a deceiver, it makes you think you can do it all.

Truth is it just puts up a wall.

Eventually you learn, that the burden is too much to carry, and you fall.

*That’s what happened to me.

I fell down right on my knees.

Praying to God to forgive me, please!

*I had felt so worthless that I never thought I could be loved.

God said to me, my daughter you are beloved.

Your sins are forgiven because of his blood.

*Jesus gave his life so that I could be saved.

So that I no longer had to live a life of being enslaved.

His sacrifice and forgiveness makes me feel amazed.

*So here I am today.

I stand here to say, all will be okay!

With Jesus, you will find your way!

*Your dream to be loved and to be free is available for you.

I’m here to tell you that you will make it through.

With God he makes all things new.

*Dreams really can come true!

It can happen for you too!

So never give up on your pursuit!

Dear Unsealers,

The moment that changed my life happened on a random Thursday in August of 2002. However, when it happened, I didn’t know my life would change.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here…

We have to go back to the summer of 2001.

I had a pair of surgeries on my right leg. This was the third round of surgery on my leg in an attempt to fix a deformity that had been with me since childhood. The most profound complication that having cerebral palsy brought into my life. Seven stitches and three pins in my middle toes. I was bedridden for most of the summer and at a shallow point. But I knew that I couldn’t give up on myself so easily.

Nine months of physical therapy would follow. Twice a week after school, I would travel to the Hospital For Special Surgery on the east side of Manhattan. It wasn’t easy, as my knee stiffened up in the process. In time, I would go from a wheelchair to a walker and a cane before ultimately ending up with a brace on my right leg.

On this particular Thursday, I went to visit with my surgeon. At the end of the appointment, he uttered these words: you can take the brace off.

I looked at him dumbfounded, and a bit terrified. I hadn’t taken a step forward without help in some time. But he wasn’t kidding, I could take the brace off my leg.

As I did, I took the first step forward. A beaming smile came across my face and so did it on the face of my mother. I took a few steps more after that.

All the memories of doctor’s appointments, orthopedics, and surgeries faded away. I could feel my self-esteem starting to come back after a lifetime of feeling terrible about myself with all the other complications.

With perfect timing too, as my senior year of high school was close at hand. I couldn’t wait to show everyone my leg without the brace there.

This was the moment when I was reborn.

To know you now, is to know you then
…even if I didn’t.

I thought I did, but now..
I’m certain that I didn’t.

I felt the love, the way you wanted
until,
I just…didn’t.

It hurts my heart,
what I thought was you and now I see isn’t.

To know you now, is to accept
what I didn’t see
what I wouldn’t hear before…

and wonder if you can finally feel
all that is unspoken…
forevermore.

To know you now, is to long for all that could be…should be
that and so many memories more…

But in the end,
to know you saved me
and also crushed me to my core.