All of my deep fears
The monsters in my closet
Stem from this small thing

Procrastination
I say I’ll do this later
But the time is now

I don’t want to yet
This is all so very hard
To take in right now

I’d really rather
Scroll on social media
Than deal with this

Pesky task at hand
Veritable kryptonite
Anything but this

I’ll do this later
Let me crawl into a hole
And never come out

Then I tried this app
To beat procrastination
I was skeptical

Ten minutes a day
That I will try out this app
For my life to change

I figured, why not?
Only a small chunk of time
That’s all it would take

So I used the app
It seemed insignificant
Just a few modules

Immediately
It was life changing for me
I started on tasks

Not putting them off
I actually finished them
I felt accomplished

Overcoming fears
I did not know I harbored
Now I’m the victor

Instead of victim
I could actually do things
I felt empowered

No longer I’d wait
The absolute last minute
To get all things done

Heart skipping beats on narrow attic stairs,
           making hasty a getaway over thin air.
Chased by hazy visions from dreamy hells
            and the devils, too close at my heel.

Running down sharp walled halls
               too afraid to stop or fall.
Terrified of the sounds, lost hidden howls,
             all the fear my imagination’s found.

Fearing missteps with clumsy, unpopular opinions,
             always dreaming of lofty, aimless ambitions.
Climbing past the highest clouds, too afraid to leap,
       then falling over lazy hills, too anxious to sleep.

Agonizing and pointless routines when life in the light
and old obscurities mingle, and nothing feels right.
Reading and rereading, searching for a newer spark,
to illuminate glimmers lost in the endless dark.
 
Slowly wandering through and throughout  
            the deep twilights, me and my doubt.
Shutting off lights, walking without the fright,
           strolling with stars guiding in the night.

Seeing with clarity the emptiness
            hidden in shaded oblivions.
Dreading only the darkness
           that still lingers in me.

I am currently on a trip to New York, and during my devotional time in my hotel room this morning, I was suddenly led to write and share “Your Presence” here:

Your Presence is what I seek
Your Presence is where we meet
Your Presence brings me peace
Your Presence is for the bold and meek

Your Presence is unmatched
Your Presence is the latch
Your Presence I respect
Your Presence is where we connect

Your Presence is golden
Your Presence is emboldening
Your Presence beautifully mends
Your Presence is a gem

Your Presence is dependable
Your Presence is commendable
Your Presence is my truth
Your Presence is my root

Your Presence holds my hand
Your Presence is time with my Best Friend
Your Presence has no end
Your Presence is where I stand!

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

All this time searching for love
And the whole time it’s within me.
I Have too much to offer
I guess, I noticed once I turn
Towards the darkness.
Love finds it’s way back in.
Through another form.
Then quickly turns around
Looking Evol.
Some days that’s all I push out
Is evol. Then another
Love comes around helping
Me to evolve.
Becoming the light casting
Everyone’s shadow.
Comes very clear with the
sunrises & sunsets.

We’ve come to a
Stale mate,
No more moves left.
Time to start over or
Call it quits.

Don’t forget! You’re the “writer”
The “author” to your life.
Other’s are at best, narrators
To the situation
& like most, they’re gonna
Add their Lil flare to it.
“Emphasizing”
Certain moments & chapter’s,
With sounds & hand gestures.

Daddy, nobody told me the pain life would bring,
How the world would feel empty without your everything.
Birthdays now haunt me, and Father’s Day stings,
Each moment without you, sorrow sharply clings.

The day you left, my heart broke in two,
A piece of me faded, forever with you.
Every tear I cry, every ache I feel,
Speaks of a loss time cannot heal.

Call me selfish, but I need you near,
The one who gave wisdom, who chased away fear.
You lifted my burdens when troubles would rise,
Balanced my world and wiped tears from my eyes.

Daddy, you were my anchor, my first real love,
My guide in the storms, sent straight from above.
Nobody told me this pain would stay,
Missing you more with each passing day.

Love has never been a friend to me,
Yet I keep hoping, blindly, desperately.
Thinking, just maybe, this time it’s real,
A love that will mend, a love I can feel.

A love to heal what others have torn,
To soothe the ache from promises sworn.
They vowed they’d never do what others do,
But left me questioning if love is true.

You claimed there’d be no pain, no doubt,
Said you’d bring joy where life ran out.
You’d lift me up where others had failed,
But like the rest, your promises paled.

You stepped in while my heart was sore,
Made vows, then left me hurting more.
No better than the lies of the past,
Your love, like theirs, would never last.

Love has never been a friend, it seems,
Just a thief that haunts my dreams.
It collects my tears, then walks away,
Leaving me broken, day by day.

All it gives are scars and strife,
A cruel betrayal disguised as life.
Love, the foe I thought was kind,
Keeps tearing apart my heart and mind.

I’m not mad, just deeply let down,
By the ones I let in who only pulled me down.
Every chance I gave, every risk I took,
Led to heartbreak in places I forgot to look.

I’m not mad, just disappointed in me,
For holding on to what was never meant to be.
Friendships I knew were never real,
Yet I clung to them, ignoring what I feel.

I’m not mad, just disappointed inside,
For letting family, friends, and love decide
How much peace I’d lose, how far I’d stray,
From the light I fought for, day after day.

I’m not mad, just disappointed in the time I lost,
The years spent paying such a heavy cost.
Loving those who never cared at all,
Their gains were plenty, but my heart took the fall.

I should’ve loved myself first, poured it all in,
Let go of the ties that kept me within.
Unnecessary bonds kept me from flight,
While my heart stayed tangled in endless fight.

I’m not mad, just disappointed in my fall,
For letting their darkness cover it all.
I’m stuck rebuilding, but never quite free,
Still chasing the growth that was stolen from me.

So no, I’m not mad—but disappointed instead,
For all the time wasted in a cycle I fed.

I stopped searching for love,
Because I knew.
Every time I look for it,
I end up with distrust.
The moments we spent.
Caused momentum fueled by lust.
No love found, no love lost.
Just another thrust,
To combust another nut.

I am tired of standing in the same old place,
While the world moves forward, I’ve lost the race.
Clinging to energy that’s no longer mine,
Holding to bonds that have passed their time.

The lessons I’ve missed, they circle again,
The same disappointments, the same old pain.
Year after year, the cycle repeats,
Dreams left behind, hopes in defeat.

Depression whispers, and sadness calls,
As I crumble inside, behind these walls.
I tell my dreams but never pursue,
Afraid to break free, afraid of what’s new.

God is calling, “Step out of your zone,
You must let go to truly own
A life that is new, a heart that will grow,
But change requires you to let go.”

What’s the point of change if the mind won’t shift?
If you cling to the past, no life will lift.
Familiar tears, familiar hell,
The comfort of sorrow, your own prison cell.

So if I am tired, I must take a stand,
Let go of the familiar, reach for God’s hand.
The power to change is within my soul,
To rise from the ashes, to finally be whole.

What becomes of he who deprives the world of a smile?;

I found the answer to such a question when I realized just how much of my energy I had given my insecurities;

My smile, my hair, my body;
I solely identified with my “imperfections” and paid the price;

The price being peace;
To govern l(i)fe only by tangibility disrupts so(u)l;
Hiding through my own personal shame, I dwindled the ultimate flame;

And I also sabotaged;
Sabotaged opportunities so that the audience I “knew” wouldn’t dare see me as I saw myself;

Thoughts of possible laughter agonizing my psyche;

Though a shell I was;
Though a shell I chose to be;
This shell has always contained the l(i)fe desired to be experienced;

As a token of my appreciation I now listen to yo(u)r voice, yo(u)r requests, yo(u)r vision;

I don’t wanna hide, though hiding means survival of my ego and pride;

I wanna reside in so(u)l and l(i)ght;
And so I smile;
I smile for the 10 year old boy who denied himself l(i)fe because of an insecurity;

I smile for the teenager who saw himself as unlovable due to a unique smile;

I smile for the man ready to live in his l(i)ght;
I smile for the world because the world is who/ what I choose to be

Brain lit from a few toxins,
Feeling good.
Endorphins flowing from this
Concentrated THC. This lovely lady
Mary Jane squeezed out for me.
She a lil thick like honey,
Gets a lil sticky
And her aroma is soo intoxicating.
Has my mind working,
Thinking about…mmmm,
Many things! Brought her out with me
As I consume a few drinks.
Euphoria hits! Once we start to mix.

Dear Unsealers,

It’s the second day of December. I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

I had an extra reason to celebrate this weekend, as it was my sister & I’s 39th birthday yesterday. From all the well wishes, to afternoon tea at the Warren Street Hotel in Tribeca, it was an overwhelming day filled with joy.

With the birthday celebrations completed, it’s time to properly welcome in the month of December. Mother Nature signaled the change in month as it’s freezing cold here in NYC.

I can’t believe that we’ve reached the last month of 2024 already.
It’s time to close out the year on a high note.

Now, for the welcome to the month of December…

Welcome to December
It’s time for the last shout!

Thirty-one days left in 2024
The magic of the holidays arrives

Birthdays, Hanukkah, Christmas & New Year’s
Times celebrated in good company

Fall will become winter on the 21st
Daylight will slowly, surely return

A time to reflect on where we are
And where we want to be next year

There’s melancholy flipping the last page of the calendar
Wondering, “where did the time go?!”

Let’s make the most of these days
2025 is on the horizon

Feeling a Lil restless,
I want to spend more time.
Doing other things,
So sometimes I would rest less.
In the moment I could care less
Until that restlessness kicks in.
Sometimes I think, that’s the best rest.
Laying in bed falling asleep
almost instantaneously,
No mind wandering, no worries
Or nothing.
Mind arrested on getting some rest.
A rested mind Awakens the divine.

It began on a cold January day,
When my father’s soul was called away.
A part of me shattered, a piece was lost,
A pain so deep, it came at a cost.

I was finding myself, a path so clear,
Losing weight, routines I held dear.
Yet his passing left me stuck in time,
Trapped in grief’s unyielding climb.

I buried the pain, went back to the grind,
Work became the shelter for my mind.
Two weeks later, I stood so strong,
But my heart knew something was wrong.

I ended love with a heavy heart,
The first who loved me from the start.
Then stumbled into arms not true,
Grief hid the pain I never worked through.

December came, a cruel, dark plight,
My prayed-for baby lost in the night.
I woke to emptiness deep inside,
And once again, I let work collide.

A prison filled with chaos and strife,
I hid my wounds in the noise of life.
My uncle passed; I worked again,
Ignoring the ache that wouldn’t end.

But this year, God had other plans,
He placed me still in His guiding hands.
Isolation forced my soul to see,
The grief I buried lived in me.

I ended love that wasn’t pure,
Set boundaries strong, began to endure.
Day by day, the healing grows,
Progress comes, though the journey’s slow.

I am learning to feel, to grieve, to cope,
To find in sorrow a seed of hope.
Though the pain is great, I see the light,
Step by step, I reclaim my fight.

For grief may linger, but I am strong,
In my heart, my father’s love lives on.
Through every loss, I rise anew,
Healing, growing, becoming true.