Shelby, your piece is beautifully written and empowering to any woman. My favorite part was when you asked yourself for forgiveness. I’m sure your younger self heard you loud and clear 🙂
Dear Little Jaynee,
I know I rarely write back but trust me when I say I read every single letter you wrote to me. In fact, I was always there when the words on the page became blurry from your tears and the ink would bleed just as much as your heart.
I’m here now to tell you that your deepest wish came true. Now it didn’t materialize instantly, no, it was a painful journey. Almost a decade’s worth of wishing that your mom would change her mind about you and your new partner. The toughest pill you learned to swallow was “You cannot change others.” You released your expectations, and you blocked your mother out of your life because the agonizing pain from her repulsion became too hard to bear. All of this could have been avoided if only she accepted you as you were, but alas, she tried to change you, just as much as you tried to change her.
Now both of you are different people, you come as you are. You, a girl who married another girl, and she, a religious mother who finally learned to love you for you.
I’m proud of you, Jaynee.
You had to choose between the love of your life and the love of your mother. But shouldn’t a mother’s love be unconditional? So you gave up your mother and not because your wife asked you to, but because you needed to honor your true self. Speaking honestly, I’d do it all over again. I found myself stronger in being authentic.
I can see how different my life could have been, how miserable I would be if I had allowed her to manipulate me another day.
So just know that the torment you are going through now will subside.
One day, you will get to laugh with her again.
One day, you will hear her apologize to your wife.
One day, your dream will finally come true.
I love myself, and I love you.
Ps. Thank you for getting me here safely.
Jaynee, I love this!! You always stood up for what you believed in, even when someone so close to you disagreed. I know that must have been so hard for you, but you should be so proud of yourself for being able to conquer such a challenging time in your life. Congratulations ♥♥
130 bpm 一 The steady rhythm of my breath synchronizes with my movement
140 bpm 一 I feel alive
150 bpm 一 I feel like I’m dying
160 bpm 一 I am capable of more than I think possible
And done
I come to lay on the ground to calm my breathing.
From an outsider’s perspective, I look like nothing but a corpse,
but laying in shavasana is where the magic happens.
Coming to this place of surrender where there are no expectations and the only thing to do is observe how my breathing regulates is peaceful.
This is where I come to balance.
We would not know peace without peril, ease without force, and I wouldn’t be feeling this right now if it weren’t for the intense physical activity I put my body through.
It’s the same reason why you sleep the soundest after ugly crying.
It’s our own body’s way of balancing out.
Peace is not found in stagnant stillness but in steady flow, aka breath,
It’s found in feeling a human touch massaging away the tightness your muscles have endured,
It’s the feeling of safety being in the arms of a beloved,
And the acceptance of an invitation to match its frequency.
When someone dies, we say que en paz descanse;
Our final wish for someone is that they may rest in peace.
And peace is a choice, a piece of us, a possibility.
It’s our duty to experience every feeling + emotion and peace is simply one of them.
I love this poem, Jaynee!! I relate to every word you said. Peace is a journey and it can be difficult to find it, especially when you are working on overcoming other tasks as well! My favorite line of yours is “We would not know peace without peril” because without going through the lows in life, we would take all the highs for granted! Great…read more
This piece reminds me so much of all the advice my fiance gives me on how to calm myself down: massages, meditation, etc. Breathing and just observing your body is so important. He always says “Your body needs your attention.” Thank you for sharing and reminding me of a place where we can all find peace. <3 Lauren
I learned something from reading this poem and related it in a way that I want to try yoga as a form of therapy. Thank you for this piece. It was therapeutic reading it!