Dear Hannah….

Nothing can justify my actions…I don’t know where I started becoming cynical about you again…to not speak to you for 4+ months is absolutely unforgivable…

I’ve been practicing self-discipline and being alone for so long that somewhere within this year…my healing turned into erasing….and I admit it.

I admit that something happened in these last few months that I’ve struggled to get my voice to you…

After 2020 I vowed to ALWAYS do right by you…I would spend the rest of my life loving you from head to toe….that I would make up for all the times people used our generosity, love and kindness…and drained us before abandoning what we thought were concrete friendships and real love…we excepted the bare minimum as real love…and I blamed you solely…

I never meant to make you feel abandoned…I’m sorry I didn’t protect us…from the most recent events…I didn’t listen to you AGAIN….and I’m so so tired of living the same lessons in different ways…

Reconnecting with you in 2020 after leaving a karmic partner that tried to destroy us… was the best thing I could have ever done for us….

It was the first time I unpacked how we attracted someone who hated us…It was because I hated you…I blamed you…for how we’d been treated all of our lives…how we were unknowingly being raised to not have a voice and to be a people pleaser (Thank the Creator that at least we no longer struggle with that) due to your opinions only mattered when aligned with being in a “child place”. You were never to blame for our trauma…and together we’ve accomplished so much to not let our trauma define us…

I realize having a heavy focus on my future (being a leader in my community) without planning time for us has put me in this position…to be completely embarrassed for how I’ve neglected you. I AM to blame.

Without you, I can’t exist. Without the soft, genuine love, your need to nurture and care for others…without you, I have no empathy…and my vision becomes blurry…and my attitude becomes dry… I push people away who I can’t immediately read or understand because I decide it’s better to not be confused…

Without realizing it I turned self-love, self-care, and my boundaries into my new comfort zone…creating unbreakable walls…and keeping the worst and the best people out…people we made room for people we spent years praying for…

FINALLY after 9 years of absolute hell…a failed attempt to return to the Creator…turning a new page and now starting year 4 of absolute heaven…that’s right…maintaining years of real peace and happiness without it being centered around who loves us….

I’ve finally made a friend that matches our energy…

Someone who can read me and see what I need to progress and continue to become whole and succesful. A gift we share that’s so powerful it changes lives…despite the isolation I’d unknowingly created I’ve valued us so much more than just making anyone our friend…so that they don’t drain these spiritual gifts of guidance that we have or cause me to falter in my path…so that you will…stay with me….so that you feel safe…so that we never accept the bare minimum as love again…

But it was my mistake to remain alone for so long….to return to the idea that no one could ever understand us…after all the work I’ve done to finally understand you…I’m not sure how I switched from healing to erasing…it’s not something I can’t ignore…

Hating you means hating me….and we never deserved half of the things we’ve put ourselves through OR the events that we couldn’t control….that’s why we had to make it here….to experience real love…from ourselves…instead of trying to show or remind people of our loyalty after they’ve decided it didn’t exist….trying to love people past their issues though it was never reciprocated….it’s the realization that every man we’ve been with was never worthy of our love, to begin with….its the realization that despite seeing the lies, manipulation and KNOWING the future outcome of these relationships that I HOPED for the best instead of listening to YOU…I broke the rule….

The rule of never relying on hope but relying on what I can control which is me…I remind myself that hope is for others to have a good day because I can’t control that…We spent too long reprogramming that mindset…to the point that I have found happiness amongst my mistakes… isn’t it crazy how strong we’ve become? That even on a day…when my boundaries have been utterly destroyed…that I can still find a way to say it was a good day to learn to become better…

I began to believe that I didn’t need you anymore…I hoped…that this last false love would protect me as I had been protecting myself…I was wrong…and it didn’t make what he did right…

How dare I ignore our deepest, innermost gut feeling? KNOWING that you’ve never been wrong a single day in your life…when it comes to the intentions of others…

I’m sorry for not protecting us…after vowing to be the protection that I want to evoke in the people around us…

I’m sorry for ignoring you…for not holding a safe place for you…for believing that I could continue to push push off our shadow work without losing my mind….without you I can not exist…I cannot thrive…

I need you…I love you…this is that begging you for forgiveness…r and b music that brings you to tears serenading you with REAL promises…of moving forward on my best foot…

Thank you for staying with me…for always having my back…for being YOU…for being with me on this journey to becoming whole. No one can complete me the way you do…you are my missing PEACE.