Dear Pregnancy,
This has been the most intense nine months of my life. I have never grown so much as a person so quickly. From my body, to my relationships, all the way to the way my mind works, you have taught me so much about myself. I won’t lie there has been times when I’ve seriously not liked you, but at the end of this long journey I’ve never been more grateful for an experience more than this one.
At first you were quite a head rush. Everything about you seemed exciting. I told everyone about you. Every person in my life was excited for me. In my mind, I had always wanted this. There was nothing that could break my happy high. I started planning as soon as you arrived. Some could even say I got a little ahead of myself with how quickly I moved as soon as I found out.
Then suddenly there was all the bad. The sickness all day every day. The hatred for all the foods I once loved. The sleepless nights of insomnia. The absolute shame I felt looking into the mirror. The amount of friends I lost. Last but certainly not least, the dread of feeling like there was no way in the world I could ever be a mother.
Slowly but surely, you taught me the reverse of all these things. Like how the sickness was my body starting the creation of my little boy. The fact that losing my favorite foods meant temporarily enjoying all the weird and fun cravings. Even some things I never liked at all! All the sleepless nights made me be so much more appreciative of my rest and how important it is for me, because before I took my rest for granted. I also have a beautiful new outlook on my body image because of you. I grew a whole human! Do you know how insane that is to wrap your head around? I may have a tummy and definitely no thigh gap, but I have the most wonderful little man in the entire world. I also learned that some friends are meant to be left in the past. There are some who are behind closed doors super fake and are not deserving of my love and devotion. There are also some who I had to let go because they were not healthy for me and I would have never seen that without you. Lastly, I was so scared of being a mom. I did not think I had what it takes to be one. Maybe I don’t, but now I know that there’s nothing in the world I would not do for this little guy. I have learned that I am going to make so so so many mistakes and that sometimes my belief in myself is going to shake. That’s okay. This will make me stronger and will help me grow and learn so I can do better for him.
So I guess I’m just trying to say thank you. Thank you for all the bad that I did not understand was all the good. Thank you for teaching me to grow as a person. Thank you for pushing me to learn so much about myself. Thank you for seeking out my genuine friends. Thank you for making my relationship with my partner blossom in new ways I didn’t know to be possible. Most importantly, thank you for my little boy who I can’t wait to watch grow, and learn, and love. Thank you.
Our time seemed long while it was here. When in reality it was quite short. I look forward to visiting you in the future again. I cannot wait to see what else you will teach me then.
Love always,
A first time mom……
(Style Score- 62%)

Dear you;

My love. My kryptonite. My coldest enemy and my warmest embrace. I never thought I would be yours. People say that you fall in love in certain ways, and I may have acknowledged it, but I never actually believed it to be true. Yet here I am, palms sweating at the thought of lacking your presence. At first you were a subtle love. I played it cool. We didn’t get together that much, and I never called you during our time apart. It didn’t take long for me to fall head over heels in love with you. The way you took the breath out of my chest. The way I could feel alive in your presence, and the nights that we would spend together, learning everything about one another. I will never be the same after meeting you. This will now be my life as I know it, and YOU gave that to me. You opened up parts of my mind and my soul that I hadn’t known existed before. You enveloped me in courage, confidence, and motivation to be better. You uplifted me.

At first. You helped me through my long work days, and you pushed me to get through my roles as a mother until I was finally allowed rest. At first. You taught me how to have fun again, and how it felt to be amongst friends. At first. You taught me to be responsible, and how to build and maintain the best possible life for myself. At first.

But shortly afterward, you started changing. You started changing me. My night shifts were easier, but my roles as a mother became more and more scarce. Soon enough, after CPS involvement and harsh words exchanged between the fathers of my children, I got the girls less. Even more so after my children were traumatized by the person you made me become. I lost them. My babies. Eventually, my job followed suit. Soon enough, it wasn’t fun anymore, and I saw more evil amongst the snakes disguised as friends than I had ever witnessed prior to you. My life started to crumble before me like shattering teeth as I lost every bit of my self esteem. Eventually, I crashed. Into the pits of what most may call rock bottom. You watched me smash into it’s dark, cold, lonely, fucked up pit, and instead of grabbing my hand and helping me, you laughed at me. You mocked me. With the most sinister smile, you reminded me that they had all warned me about you, and I hadn’t listened.

I knew you would break my heart. I knew you would leave me weak when you took my strength, lonely when I ruined every relationship around me just to keep yours, broken from when you influenced me to make these stupid decisions. You weren’t there for me when I fell down the way that you promised you would be. As I look around, I am on my own. The only people present are the ones asking me if I am hungry, because my homelessness is now suddenly so obvious. The families feeling sorry for me because they know what I am lacking, or judging me, because my absolute need for you is becoming physically apparent.

I put my trust in you. Gave my life to you, methamphetamine. You did what every single person told me you would. You grabbed ahold of me and you dug your claws deep inside of me. You held on for dear life and you watched me ambush mine. You sat back while I self-destructed and turned myself into an empty shell of the person that I used to be. You stole my sunshine. You stole my kids. My home. My job. My family. My friends. You made me depend on you, and you taunt me every fucking day of my life. Those that don’t know you should feel fortunate. Because you are a monster. A beautiful, vicious, exciting, terrifying existence, and I wouldn’t wish you on my worst enemy. Yet here I stand, with you in my daily routine. Learning more and more new ways to experience the absolute fucking euphoria that accompanies you for those few moments after we connect. Shaking, nauseated, in physical agony, and desperate for you when you are gone. I love you, and you fucking hate me. You prove that to me every day as you assist me in letting go of one more piece of myself.
I will never forget you, but I need to say goodbye.

(Style Score 77%)

You made yourself known
To a very young girl
Who wanted to dress up
Play with high heels and pearls
She asked many to join her
But was shut down, forgotten
So slowly but surely
She shut her heart down and locked it
She was desperate, pathetic
In need of attention
So she did things to get it
That I would rather not mention
That young girl grew up
And she made a mistake
She let down her guard
And she let her heart break
She didn’t ask him to stay
She was taught at a young age
Never beg one to be there
Humans aren’t meant to be caged
The bump on her belly
Made no difference at all
And when the blood started coming
He never even called
Just the same as that girl had
She felt worthless and weak
She was embarrassed and shut down
Puny and meek
From that day going forward
She did what she had to
To ensure you weren’t present
She had to avoid you
She became a chameleon
And transformed as was necessary
To feed the needs of her suitors
Her friends, or her family
Here’s the thing with rejection, though
It has no worthy contender
Because you are inevitable
Even to the very best pretender
The best she can do now
Is dress in high heels and pearls
And to break that whole cycle
For her own little girls
To show them they’re worthy
Loved, and accepted
Because one really suffers
When all they feel is rejected.

(Style Score 100%)

Hey Fear.
I really wish you were a rational, sensible friend. I wish you would only show up when I am in danger. When the visceral reaction to your presence would be to my benefit. I do not like being frozen in mid- thought. I do not like retreating into myself, pulling the door shut and building the walls a little higher.
I do not like the way you play with memories, unpacking the deepest of the trauma, the embarrassment, the reasons why I feel less than good enough. I do not like the way you weave those long packed away feelings into situations where they do not belong. I do not like the way you abuse my inner child. She should be dancing in the rain, she should wonder at the color of a violet, or the unique beauty of a snowflake. She should not be shaking so hard that I must revisit her trauma. Tend to her bruises or kiss away her tears.
I have done the work; I know that I no longer have to tolerate abuse in my life. I know that I am a work in process, ever evolving and growing. I know that I do not need to be perfect in order to get respect and be loved. I do not need you reminding me of a time when a harsh word, cruel intent, or landed punch came from someone I loved. Someone who said they loved me. Someone who would beg forgiveness, even as their next attack was being formed.
I know that I am strong. I know that I am fragile. I know that remembering can be part of healing. I know that I do not have to relive those days. I bare the scars as a survivor. I am proud of who I am, always true to myself through tears and humiliation. I have given myself permission to heal.
Fear, I do not want to confront you in places you do not belong. I do not want you to fill my days with ghosts of shame and dread. I do not want you to cost me sleep or invade my dreams. I do not want you to steal away my ability to feel the real joy and sorrow of life. I feel nothing in the wake of avoiding the worthlessness you make me feel.
Last of all Fear, I should always feel safe in my body. I am claiming it from you. It is mine and no one will ever force themself or their will on me ever again. No hand raised in anger, no cruel words will inflict pain. Never again will I be a tool for someone’s show of power or pleasure. I have some wrinkles, I’m not a model. I am me, and that’s a pretty amazing person to be.
Fear, I would gladly welcome and claim you in the right places. Where walking in your company means that I am aware and careful. Where the jolt of your presence is a call to attention, to action. You are valid and have a place. Please stay in your own lane.
36%

Hello little one.
You think you don’t know me, but if you saw me, you would recognize me, although you wouldn’t know why. You can be skeptical, and untrusting but it is not your nature. There are people around your who are not well. It’s not their fault and they love you. And they will sometimes say the wrong thing. So please, take a minute to read my words.
You have a life ahead for which you are well suited. Things are not always easy; you have the gift of seeing everyone in their best light. I love that about you because people feel safe with you. Make sure you always see yourself in the same amazing light. You are important too. You crave the safety of being heard, understood, and loved. Not everyone will understand you and that is okay, it’s a lot to ask. Sweetest heart, they can still love you.
Little one, you have the eye of an artist. You want to share the beauty you see with everyone. Do it. Tell the story of your picture, don’t be afraid to draw, there is no such thing as a mistake. It is okay to start over. Don’t let them tell you that you have no talent. You have a spirit that no person can dominate so don’t let the negative comments live in your head. It’s just as easy to toss them in the trash.
Little one your words have meaning and power. Use them in any way you can. Your notes make people laugh, your letters cleanse your soul and bring clarity. Even when speaking fails you, the pen in your hand will not. Put it to paper and bring your light to the page. You have magic in your manor. You have purity of soul; you have the innocence that is inner beauty. It will draw people to you. Stay gentle, stay true to yourself. It is of you to accept others as they are. You know that each is on their own path. Their presence will ebb and flow with your own in the rhythm of life.
Little one, your body is strong and beautiful. It was crafted especially for you. Enjoy moving and dancing! It is good to be upside down! You will fall, you won’t break. If you can think it, you can do it. Your brain, not your body, is your limit. Listen to the wisdom of your body when it wants to move, to stretch, to rest. You don’t have to eat if you are not hungry. Your body will tell you when, and what. I love that you already have that knowledge, and that you are so happy in your skin.
The things that bring you so much joy are in your life to stay. Your dogs, your horses, your art. The love you have for nature and all things outside. You stay grounded and connected to God using all your senses, alone or in concert. You are naturally good at the things it takes others a lifetime to learn. You have the gift of being able to help others see beauty in the same way that you do. Colors, and sounds light and shadow all dance in a symphony of sensation. It is yours to capture in the moment and share. Do it. You are love, and compassion, you are fury and peace, you are the cacophony and the silence. There is power in your words and peace in your touch. You are all things in one package. You do need friends, always. You desire a partner. The closest people in your life should complement and challenge you. There is no such thing as love that intentionally inflicts pain. Please, please remember that.
Little one, you are amazing, talented, and free. Trust yourself, see the beauty around you. If you trip, pretend you are flying. And live each day as if it is the best day ever.

Hey Mom,
I miss you. I’m glad you went on to your new life, and I miss you here.
Sharing your last months and weeks with you hurt. I know you were born
into waiting arms. In the place and time where your new life eagerly awaited
you, in the way all new life is welcomed.
You were the most complicated person I will ever know. You gave the best
gifts and delivered the hardest blows. I will always choose to remember you
as the mom who wanted the best for her family. You did, at any cost.
You were raised in a difficult situation. It left you with scars that you hid.
With trauma that you ignored. With demons on one shoulder and angels on
the other. You raised your sisters. You kept house, kept order, kept peace.
You kept up appearances. You didn’t ask for help, would there have been
help? Mom, I want you to know Grandma was not your responsibility. Mom,
they failed you. Then you failed me. And I love you.
I can’t imagine why you put up the colored curtains. The shear panels that
served as filters so not a single person could see the burden that you bore.
Mental illness is a cruel mistress. You hid her well behind the filters of a
perfectly clean home, a Godly life, a family that looked like a fairy tale all the
time. None of us dared defy the mask we wore for you. To step out from
behind the curtain. You convinced us that we were superior. We were the
ones who did all things right. We were the family who worked hardest and
smartest, who had the most right to celebrate. We claimed the most
tragedy. So many times, I wished I could scream, “but I like muddy shoes”!
I didn’t know that winning that contest was how you kept your train on the
tracks.
I want you to know most of all how you taught me. Your volatile nature
taught me when to duck. It sharpened my sense of self preservation. You
taught me lessons your mother taught you. You taught me to love with
fierceness and commitment. With passion and loyalty. You taught me that
the only person that I could always rely on was me. The sort of
independence you taught meant people will hurt you if you need them.
Mom, it was hard to keep up. The constant push and pull were exhausting.
What you did was grind down all my rough edges. You prepared me for the
trial by fire that would give me the sharpest edge I could have.
I learned to love words and their importance from you. You introduced me
to books. You didn’t care what I read; you once told me that I wouldn’t
know skillful writing if I never read bad writing. Hey mom, that’s true all
around. I learned that words could build nations, that they can start wars. I
learned that there is power in clarity, and refuge in the cloak of ambiguity. I
learned to hide in a book until any storm was over. I learned that in every
book there is a rainbow, a way out and a way home.
You were wise with experience. You were rich in confidence. You were
blessed with endurance. The very qualities that made it impossible to give
you the soft landing that I wanted you to have. There you go teaching me
again. You fought until your thoughts wouldn’t make sense. You fought
death as hard as you could, your brilliant, ravaged brain keeping you from
the poison they served you in the form of food. Your body grew desperately
weak, and through it all your brain fought for conversation, for
remembering. You lived your life the absolute best way for you. You
inspired me to keep fighting to own my life. To live my truth. You taught me
that the soft landing I wanted for you was about me. Your truth was to fight
until the end. It was about you living and dying on your own terms.
Just like you I won’t give up, like you, I will love fiercely. My house will
always be clean with books on the shelf. I will ask for help when I need it, I
will let go of the things that don’t serve me. I will let people see me fail. Your
death has given me the space I needed for clarity. In your new life you are
free from pain, and confusion. I draw you close in my memories, and I hold
you tight. These memories are free from pain and confusion. They are
memories of pure love.
Momma, keep the dogs busy until I see you again. I love you.
Chris