Two thousand plus miles
from home.
Time to surrender.
Twenty two years
of fight.
Feasible no more.
Projected outcome
Manifested.
No escape.
Options presented.
Machines and humans
would do.
New lifestyle
Initiated.
Strict diet,
Fluid restrictions,
Lifeline in arm,
Modified activities,
Life schedule altered.
Two needles,
Three hours,
Three days
Weekly.
Intimate relations
Mechanical
for sustenance.
The process
Challenging
yet, just another thing.
Going with the flow
as life moves on.
Back to work.
Balancing act engaged.
The essence of time
Profound.
Grad school in view.
Success achieved.
Own business pursued.
Rewards ensued.
Twenty four years later
Still vertical.
New ventures in sight.
The sun will always shine.

The pandemic hit
I quit
All went south
Forever broken, I frown
Should have believed her
Setting the features

Your what drove her
I thought it was over
I gave up on trying
Day after day I lie here dying
This is my life
Just give me the knife
Trapped in a loup
Someone remove this Damn Hula Hoop

We move and move and moved again
Oh God, please tell me when
Strapped
I find myself trapped
Her world stolen
Lifeless in motion
Ripped from the streets
I will not be beat

I run and hide
This is no fun, she cried
Locked up
Corrupt
Confined
Is this what you had in mind
Stories over, the end
My life, where I shall spend

Never getting out
My veins a drought
Sweet and naive
Kidnapped, I believe
What right do you have
Attacked
Soon you will feel the impact

This insane world
Flipped and swirled
Pinned down
Should have never moved to this Godforsaken Town

Mother
I will not suffer
I will not die here with you
I know the truth
Forgotten
We shall not be in here rotting
Left behind
This is not what I designed
Unfound
I will rise from underground
Not a sound
Silence
My guidance
A protector
I Am Now the Director

I will scream and shout
Whale my hands and feet about
Bring the world down with me
Open your eyes you shall see
For you will pay too
Your time is due
I will show you well
Oh boy am I gonna tell

Who knew
The me that was me
I will forever be
This clock has awakened
Tick Tock Taken
My innocence
I am Magnificent
I will not bow
This is not allowed
My future scene
For I am Queen

With my heart pounding faster than a freight train, and my mind spinning madly out of my control, every ounce of my survival instinct forbade me from doing it.
But I had to do it, I wanted to do it.
It had always been my secret, whimsical fetish. A desire that I had harbored deep down in some untapped part of my heart.
Oh, I wanted to do this so bad!
But should I? And could I?
I felt apprehensive, I felt very diffident.
Climbing up the seemingly unending bridge, walking up to the lethal ledge, I felt my heart sinking down my throat and my intellect going theoretically dead. As I got sized up, harnessed and bounded, the alarming realization dawned on me that I had at that very moment lost control. I had forfeited my last chance to quit. There was no escape. I had no choice.
But I had to do it. I must do it.
For there was too much at stake. My pride, my ego, my unfulfilled dream, my claim to fame, my commitment to myself.
Opposing every muscle and thought in my body that was operating overdrive to pull me away from gravity, I closed my eyes and took the deadly plunge.
As I plummeted down 410 feet, blood gushing through every crevice in my head, I felt surprisingly liberated. The harness felt non-existent. I felt untethered. I felt free!
I felt alive!
But what I was oblivious to, was that the bungy jump down was a daunting job just half done. The horror of the act of jumping was thwarted by the suddenness of the savage recoil back up!
My body flayed like a pendulum at the bottom for a few seconds only to be pulled aggressively up a few hundred feet mid-air!
In those few fleeting moments, I felt like I had traversed through numerous celestial realms, both physically and emotionally.
And then just like that, it was done!
As I was maneuvered into a boat and onto to familiar ground at the end of this personal feat, I felt something new.I felt satiated, I felt accomplished!
I had proved a point— To me!
I had overcome my fears, crushed my low self-esteem, defied my survival instinct, and had just let a comforting tranquillity come over me and take control.
I had let a feeling of submission, faith in a force above, and my free spirit guide me as I took that leap that day.
A leap of faith, quite literally!
Down 141 feet that day, I had found myself and made my way to the top of the world!

It All Started . . .

After several hours filled with fear, anxiety, tears of anger, and wounds of distrust, I ended up in a fetal position on my living room floor. After struggling to roll up in a seated position,I forced my shaky left foot to plant firm and stable, as a wingback chair offered to help me to my feet. Then it happened . .

The phrase “Until I learn to love myself, there isn’t going to be any love for anybody else.” emblazoned the forefront of my thoughts. Such a popular phrase in music and literature that should make complete sense. But my emotional blindness shadowed its true meaning for all these years.

I had been throwing tantrums all day! I wailed out, “I didn’t deserve that…”, “Why would he/they/you/whomever treat me that way?” and so on and so on. After my earlier battle to stand, I started a new rant, when suddenly the image in my bathroom mirror took on its own energy. It sounds outlandish, even fictional–it’s the only way I can describe that moment. My mirrored image caught my attention and scolded, with gritted jaw:

“STOP IT! This is YOUR problem and no one else’s.
JUST STOP! Stop taking this out on others.
YOU fell for it. YOU allowed this to happen to YOU!”

The next thing I remember was looking back at my image in the mirror, grinning from ear to ear. I had finally accepted complete responsibility for my own life. I got that all familiar phrase now.

Under a scorching hot shower, I washed away the negative energy of the past several hours. I slowed my breath, as the calming scent of aromatherapy body wash filled my nostrils and then it happened . . . LAUGHTER. Then a flood of self-awareness and acute in-sight:

To enjoy relationships at any level, a balance needs to exist between self-respect and mutual-respect, mixed in with laughter, touching, smiling, debating, and knowing when to “agree to disagree.”

Painful thoughts of so much time wasted with complicated and empty confrontations throughout so many flittered years suddenly became ridiculously SIMPLE. I had not recognized the concept until that moment, because it is so ridiculously SIMPLE.

Our society has increasingly been overly multi-tasked and run-ragged! Let’s get back to SIMPLE. Here’s my SIMPLE equation:

SIMPLE = HAPPINESS = SELF-ESTEEM = SELF-RESPECT = SELF-LOVE = LOVE

“TO LOVE SIMPLY IS TO SIMPLY LOVE”

which can be reversed!

“TO SIMPLY LOVE IS TO LOVE SIMPLY”

That day was the most significant turning point of my life.
After that day, I became a certified Yoga teacher, I performed at open mic events for the spoken word, I became more adventurous and spontaneous. I loved myself for the first time.
I’ve been restless
All these hours of sleep
Tears mixed with
New-found joy and old tossed loss
Stream down each cheek
Dreams of an old self
And my true self
Vying for status of champion
As a sportscaster commentates nearby.
My true self emerges victorious
Pointing to the beginning
Of a path, upon which
The Divine beckons me
To follow in faith.

Love, Me!

So I’m a veteran now..
Help me open this
C & P exam notification.
Look at that,
a winner has been selected
for my mental health’s raffle.
Combat activity report card reads as follows:
2 deployments for me
&
93% on the subject of
American history.

I felt the ghosts
of our heroes
let their tears fall
over my shoulder,
because the heaviest pen in
the planet struggled to check the box that was applicable to me.

I’ve been feeling decently
until recently,
when I was notified,
that everything
that I try to hide
in the tombs of my psyche,
will be –
resurrected,
dissected,
&
placed under
a microscope.
Picture my ptsd..
As a protozoa in a petri dish,
just small enough that I will never
feel whole (fill hole)
unless I open up,
I will never heal my soul…

Or maybe a telescope,

for everytime I’ve
spaced
out.

There’s a dissonance
in the distance that
slightly resembles the terror that
holds my happiness hostage.
“Incoming,”
Incoming,
Incoming!

any alarm
& this action movie
shapeshifts
into the horror genre,

Michael Bay
transforms into
Stephen King.

“It” is
“The Pet Semetery”
Where
“Cujo”
Is buried,
alarms also make me feel like
Jon Coffee walking
“The Green Mile.”

The Doha Accord was signed on
29 Feb, 2020.

Despite this alleged “armistice,”
the mirage in the dark was the target of many armaments..

12 bombs…I think?

like scalping your enemy,
i’ve tried to sever
that memory from my head,
but try as I might,
it hangs on by a thread,
how could I ever forget
the bomb that knocked me out of my bed?

& the subsequent phone call
to my parents..
telling them how
f*cking scared I was.

Oh, the heartbreak harbored in their eyes,
for only a handful of times,
have they seen their son cry,
but anytime I heard
Incoming, incoming, incoming..
It was at least possible
I might die.

I genuflect to inspect
These 17 coins I have earned,
Jaded-
I helped pack the grave dirt of far to many urns.
The petri begins denting from the inside.

Still Sealed by the gravity
That re-wrote history:
the fat man who crashed
bockscar in
Nagasaki.

Or
the little boy birthed
from enola gay
in Hiroshima.

“Do alarms really bother you?”
“Yes, it’s my heart beat playing hide and seek,”
“Is it getting any better?”
“Not really,
Every time I try & get some sleep
I hear the floorboards creak,”
“Isn’t it just another noise?”

“No.

It’s every thought I’ve ever had against my life,
The Grim Reaper’s sychte felt so cold upon my cheek…”

Im thankful for all of the help
that I have seeked,
for the last 4.5 years
I have my good days &
bad days,
& I’m hopeful that
one day,
it will be
Just Another Noise.
But until then,
I hope you see everyone is different after they’ve deployed.

If I were a flower I’d be a rose.
So ready for themes of love it sheds it weight in time.
“She loves me, she loves me not.”
Petal by petal I give away until I’m simply thorns.
First love. So sweet it hurts like a cavity of the soul.
Her smile so bewitching I gave it all to the unknown.
The feeling of driving to paradise on earth.
Beauty empowering me closer to the illuminating picture on the post card.
Vacationing in her warmth.
One by one, cloud by cloud the blue skies slowly wilted a gray.
I sway, hand in hand, in melancholic bliss waiting for a rainbow to split the clouds looming over.
No cover, adoration of the ever consuming rain gives hopeless fodder.
Consumed in gluttony of thine own sabotage.
Meddling; criminally in the poetic justice of one single word.
Love.
If only I told her that.
She was my Mona Lisa.
Da Vinci knew that beauty was not his possession, but the world’s to see.
Subject to a story of myth.
Lifted higher than icarus so I may learn how to fall; down.
Deeper, fallen into an abyss by the shot of cupids arrow.
Greeted by only a sign at the entrance reading “lost and found.”
A place in time existing only for lovers whose hearts wander off to the slaughter.
The unexplainable phenomena.
Wandering hopelessly until an improbable yet possible collision sets us back on course.
My lovely Andromeda to be.
A gift of fire I wish to collide with once more.

Borrowed time, tampered prime, descenigrating lapse of systems.
Taser filled opportunist lumes over sensibility. Exact knowledge of rephrased wisdom. Confiscated mishaps of vengeance paralyzing the, what if. In the midst of flavor verses favor, I prepare a table. Intense undermining of preparation, I convict thee. To serve or not to serve, the facade of the misled. The challenges exceed exhaustive state of forward movement but I stay ready. Tempting thoughts of fragmented steps so you can get ready and when you do, you stay ready!

Life has a funny way of showing you
That everything your family told you growing up
Is mostly true
Our stubbornness
Our hesitation
Our lack of paying attention
Often has us wondering
Once we get older
That the words we once heard
Now echo
As they become clearer
“You can’t please everybody”
Even when I try
I often only end up hurting myself
As a people pleaser
You fail at balancing
The very moment you don’t say yes
You are painted as such a bad person
No is definitely a part of the dictionary
But when you are so used to not saying it
It crushes someone’s spirit
Yet it feels so good
I am free to say no and not feel guilty
Not feel ashamed
Not feel the need to explain
It took a long time to get here
I’m not looking back
I deserve to own my decisions
I choose to not live with regret
I have self respect
How can I please everyone without suffering?
Simple
I can’t
I choose me
And if you can’t understand that
You are not meant to be in my life
Sorry if this offends anyone
But I’m taking my power back
I choose me first
And pleasing everyone is no longer my concern!

I would often hear people follow up a story of generational curses, uncontrolled emotions, disturbing behavior, and unimaginable situations with, “hurt people, hurt people.” I often wondered is that where the story ends? Later in life that statement would sound to me like an excuse. Same as when you hear people say “You know how they are.”

Now at 41, both statements make me cringe as I realize they are just words put together to hinder whomever that hurt person is. I once was a hurt person, unintentionally becoming every bit of the hurt I was complaining about feeling. It was a slap in the face to see that some of the things that hurt me as a child, I had recycled into my own life.

As a child, I struggled in the area of emotions, often time crying when I couldn’t understand certain feelings within me. Appearing on the outside a little off with the constant change of emotions, I found myself displaying anger when I felt vulnerable, weak, or afraid. It had become my defense until I realized I had become a very impatient parent, lashing out at my children when they expressed their true emotions.

I had become the person who didn’t take the time to listen; who was too overwhelmed to care; too quick to shut down and off and too emotionally distant to be the mother my kids needed me to be.

In 2021 I had to face the little girl in me who had thrown temper tantrums when she was hurt; and had shut down when she couldn’t probably process her emotions. I never took the time to be understanding of others when needed. I saw the hurt in my kids’ eyes for the first time and felt what my hurt was doing to them and I knew then they deserved the best version of me, not the generational curses. It was at that moment that I decided that if hurt people could hurt people, HEALED people could HEAL people and I’ve been on the journey ever since.

Dear Friend,

When we hear the word “motto”, we tend to imagine one of two things: either a cliché phrase full of platitudes and empty of meaning, or a lofty ideal too far out of reach. While other people talked about their mottos, I resisted living by one for most of my life. Doing so seemed unoriginal and unrealistic until inspiration struck in the most unlikely place.

The closest thing I have to a motto is a quote by Maya Angelou. “What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.”

I saw that quote for the first time in eighth grade English class. The teacher had us read a section from one of Maya Angelou’s books, an oddly progressive choice for a school in the South in the early 2000s. I remember being fascinated by the story as my classmates took turns reading aloud, but it was that quote that really struck a chord with me. At the time, I was a disabled nerdy kid from a low income family, a prime target for bullies; all of which were completely valid reasons to complain. I never considered how complaining could be a bad thing until I read that quote, but although it made me think, it would be several years until its meaning fully resonated with me.

By late 2010, I’d lost my father and any hope of leading a normal life. I was a young adult suddenly tasked with supporting myself and my mother on a single disability check of about $900 each month. My mother, to put it bluntly, lost her mind when she lost her husband. She barely came out of her room. She didn’t want to eat or bathe, and she refused to do housework or interact with the outside world. The mother who’d always supported me was gone, too wrapped up in her own grief to notice mine.

I had no choice but to push my own emotions aside to provide for us. As hard as it was, I wouldn’t have minded it, had it not been for my mother’s incessant complaining. Every day, I woke up to her ranting about how much she hated her life, her family, the house, the neighbors, the government… you name it, she had something negative to say about it! I tried to ignore it and carry on the best I could, but it became impossible to function in the world when I was constantly reminded of its darkness and cruelty.

Her negativity was contagious. It got so bad that I was angry all the time, and I dreaded having to interact with anyone. One day when I was a captive audience for her ranting, I had an epiphany. As her negative emotions spilled onto me, I thought, Is this how others feel when I complain? I remembered that quote from eighth grade English class, and it inspired me to make a change.

While I couldn’t change our situation or my mother’s reaction to it, I could change myself. I realized that wasn’t the type of person I wanted to be. I didn’t want to suck the joy out of others’ lives; I didn’t want to be the reason someone else fears the world. So I promised myself I’d never do what my mother did. Whatever horrible thing the world threw at me, I would face it on my own and not let it affect others. My problems shouldn’t have to be anyone else’s.

That is not to say my life has been all sunshine and rainbows since then. No, far from it! I have setbacks and down moments just like anyone else. Anyone who says they don’t have those moments is lying to you, and toxic positivity can be every bit as damaging as constant negativity.

As I grow older and hopefully wiser, my understanding of my motto quote grows too. I don’t think the message of “don’t complain” is about ignoring the negative moments in life; it’s about what you do with that negativity. It’s okay to feel down sometimes. It’s not okay to stay down forever, and it’s definitely not okay to drag others down with you.

The next time you hit a low point, I hope you’ll remember that quote and be inspired like I was. Whatever obstacles you face, I hope you find a way to move forward and create something good from it. Good luck and best wishes!

My worn hands feather away the curtain of fog, a forgotten smile hides behind the despair left within me after I was released from the hold of my abusive partner. Invisible scars cover my soul from years of turmoil. My body defeated with exhaustion takes one last step before collapsing into a field of fireflies. A sense of relief pervades my subconscious as I slip into a dream. My past of havoc vanishes into the shadows behind me, presenting a trail of glimmering hope ahead of me. The trail is lined with sparkles of suppressed dreams, frozen ambitions, lost relationships and security. The sky opens above me reflecting a shining glow of my concealed spirit.

Distant chatter awakens me as I see a hand reach down to raise me up. I am surrounded by those that watched my uninhibited spirit confiscated by the mercy of my abuser’s control. A smile unearths from the depth of my heart. I am lifted up as sparkles drop off of my new spirit into the shadow of my past molded into the ground beneath my feet. Wherever I may go, my weightless footprints filled with sparkle and shine replaces the despaired memories fading into my past.

A Moment in Time

Prologue:
Fleeting moments of crisis
Oft change our lives
Powerful lessons learned quicky
Affecting our day to day lives

I prefer to dwell
On memorable events which
Make me smile,
Understanding the world in new ways

Interlude:
Thirty years have passed
Since our eyes met
In a chance encounter
Over a fishing trawler’s prow,
Queensland’s coast in sight
You gracefully moved
Through blue waters,
Surfing the bow’s wave
Rolling playfully onto your side
Briefly, our eyes met,
As we peered into each other’s souls
Memory forever tucked into my heart,
I descended from my ivory tower,
Rediscovering my humility

Epilogue, 30 years later:
Under an African full moon
A majestic bull elephant
Paused in a small clearing
I sensed his peaceful energy

Positioning my hand
Over a puppy mill momma’s heart
I felt her sadness wash over me
In a single wave of salty tears

I will always be drawn to other species
Looking for deeper understanding,
Until my eyes and heart become
Unable to connect with others

A chance encounter
Thirty years ago
Forever altered
My life’s trajectory

-Beth Arrowsmith
October 1, 2024

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people just exist, that is all.” – Oscar Wilde
To exist, to have an objective reality, I can just stand and wait.
But to live, what does it truly mean? Spending my days waiting for the time to pass, for the clock tick to be the voice that rules over my head? Most of my life was a waiting game to get older and be able to live, but am I living if I spend my days waiting? What am I worried about other than my time is being wasted?
I decided to start living, truly living. I moved across the country to pursue a dream. Where this dream will take me is only but a risk, a risk so big is it even worth living through? Well, I guess that’s the point, isn’t it? If taking that risk is my way of living then I’d struggle every day rather than existing in a state of comfort. I always thought that living was scary, but that’s the beauty. Taking a risk, doing something out of a daily routine just because it may make you or someone else happy. The clock tick in our heads are at different paces, we may as well try to live. Embracing ourselves and others, loving ourselves and others, truly being ourselves, and allowing others to be themselves.
That’s living.