As you continue reading through this letter, you’ll remember me, I promise. I want first to say I am so sorry, the reflection staring back, almost blurry, will soon begin to take shape, please bare with me. Although impossible, I wish I could have met you differently back then. I wish the strength that I now possess were so visible then. I always thought life for you back then could have been so much simpler if only I had taken the initiative and begun catering to the heart that you wanted to share with the world. Unfortunately, outside noises began taking the space of my own, which later expelled the love that I wanted you to have for yourself. I needed to put a stop to it somehow. But at that time, I wasn’t sure what direction to take to begin the much-needed transformation. I was hurting you, and I knew it. I thought that maybe if you had cut just a little deeper, you’d uncover something worth bragging about, something that would fill your soul, you know, overflow that cup of something that you so desperately were seeking within. It’s been a very long time, and there’s a possibility of this letter being returned to me. But if it does make its way to you, I’d like to explain.

All the times you’ve looked at yourself in the mirror, you’ve always seen yourself as someone different. You knew who you were and your capabilities, but the thought of being considered beautiful never came to mind. Knit picking on your features because you remembered in the 3rd grade that one person who made you feel less than, and you hated yourself for it. The glow of your dark skin was never a curse. I wanted so badly to let you know that at the time, what they said wasn’t true, but sadly, I believed them. This would later dictate the fate of your love for yourself. Please know your complexion was never a curse, you were blessed but the earth and kissed by the sun. I so wish I could have told you how beautiful you are. When you walk into rooms, it’s as if time freezes, because people are always anticipating your next move. Oh, and your smile, I can tell you if I could ever go back in time, I’d laugh so much that those big cheeks you have would hurt from the joy I knew you tried your best to hide. I wanted you to understand that you were never ugly; those words have no right to be in the same sentence that holds your name. There are so many things I have learned from the negativity that you’ve received then. Never allow people to project onto you the feelings they hold for themselves; their insecurities have nothing to do with the woman you were. It only shows that they refused to heal the parts of themselves that you were forced to hate. Deep down, I know you wanted to express to many how happy you were within yourself, but that was constantly shut down because of society’s favoritism for those who look nothing like you. Please know you were ALWAYS ENOUGH, always!

The way you looked was never a problem; your body was and will always be beautiful. The days you deprived yourself of food to be seen, gaining the approval of those around you who didn’t give a shit about your wellbeing but more so how you lack love for yourself made them feel more superior than you. I know time has passed, I’ve uncovered so much about you as the years went by, but I want you to know if I had the chance to choose again in that moment, I’d choose you all over again because you were always my first choice. Being seen doesn’t equal judgment. I want you to know I have sat amongst people who see me and have fallen in love. My fingers tend to move faster than my mind can sometimes comprehend, but as I cry while typing this letter to you, I need you to know that you’re a gem. Every room you’ve let fear dictate how you’d enter has been removed from its hinges. Your path had been paved and was just waiting for you to take that step to begin your journey. The light you’ve held within has been guiding so many on their journeys. There are so many things about you that I’ve admired, but most of all, I am happy you never gave up on yourself and you fought against the things that tried their best to hold you back.

Again, I know this letter may turn into a return to sender, because the address you once resided at is no longer listed. But wherever you may be, I will continue to wish the best for you! I love you!

Yours truly, with Love,
Gracelyn N. Morris

Laying here in the bosom of these vibrant shades dancing all around me,
The sun began creating shadows amongst the trees
preparing me for your arrival,
Where I lay was now becoming full of life,
Lillies and violets that rested at my feet took shape,
Lifting their heads to meet your gaze as you trotted by,
Your soul-filled blues found its settling place,
I reached for you, and the wind came, circling me with endless kisses,
I was now resting amongst the clouds,
Nothing else mattered in that moment not even time,
Everything stood still,
Staring at our reflections in the puddles nearby,
I was enamored by the sight of you,
Although the atmosphere all around was damp,
We chose to dance,
Forgetting of the inconvenience that took place moments ago,
Kicking, twisting and synchronizing with the leaves on the trees that were now lively as they woke from their slumber,
Tapping against their trunks, swaying with the wind in unison,
This meeting was destined,
But I knew time would soon rear its ugly head,
The race against the clock would commence,
One last embrace because I knew you had a job to do,
Carrying those vibrant colors with you as the sun guided your way,
Your trail still visible plastering the skies with your final touches,
You began to fade away,
So, I chased you, but you proved to be faster than time,
Amazed by the beauty you left behind,
But I’ll wait here, till the tulips perk up, the leaves begin to move with the rhythm of the wind,
You’ll be back,
So, it’ll just be you and I,
Please visit soon.

Dear Self-Doubt,
I hope this letter reaches you at your worst, I know you remember me. I refuse to begin this letter with warmth and love. There are no season greetings to be received because there was no joy or celebration when you were around. The cloud of darkness you had invited on my journey, without my authorization had made my vision almost blurry. Self-doubt you sat on my shoulders weighing me down like an animal chained to the floor. You’d constantly force my head to turn in the direction you saw fit but, for yourself. Selfishly you’d push my well-being to the side just so you could shine causing my once vibrant light to become dim. You’ve shut the doors on my ideas leaving me on the other side franticly looking for the knob to break free, but you destroyed the handle causing my creativity to grow cold and my ideas to scatter across the floor. The opportunities that I knew I could have, that I should have!

Wait…I don’t see why I am even writing this. I know with my temperament I should take it easy, but I just had to let you know self-doubt you’ve had me stuck for so long. I blame myself for it all, you were my solace. Welcoming you in thinking that there would be some type of benefit, but the only gain was loss of self. I began thinking it was something normal, I had already accepted my fate. I was willing to let my dreams die because I feared you. The dark cloud you walked around with you locked it in the room with me and so it remained. It was fixated on me while I glared at the door hoping you’d come back to save me like you did before, but this time you didn’t.

Like a caged bird I needed to break free; I needed that light to shine on me even if it meant shining on me for the last time. Self-doubt you kept doubting my ability to be accepting of change. Unbeknownst to you I had a trick up my sleeve, I knew your weakness. I knew you’d try to convince me that it was safer to stay hidden and put, but this time I promised myself I wouldn’t believe you. My resilience still hadn’t failed me at that moment, so I took the chance. I didn’t give you enough time to alter my train of thought. I reclaimed my spot as the conductor. That’s when I realized how small you were, I was sure I could make it through this journey without you. Self-doubt, you only mattered as much as I let you. At that moment I realized you mattered nothing to me at all. That dark cloud became the smoke I left behind because I was now stations ahead refusing to look back. You were now left all alone like you had me. My creativity and ideas danced their way back and I promised them that doubt would never play a part in the making of myself ever again.

Self-doubt I no longer fear you, I haven’t for a long time now. But, without you, I wouldn’t have known the strength I harbored. There is so much beauty in my mind and the creativity that flows through my fingers is something magical I wish you could see it, but then again, I don’t. It took me allowing you to bring me to my lowest for me to realize that I could no longer allow you to alter the outcome of my success. Self-doubt I do not wish you well, but I thank you. Just so I don’t forget there is no address or phone number for us to keep in touch because you don’t deserve that, you never did. I want you to read this letter and be engulfed with guilt and regret. I know this letter will play tug of war with your peace, for a fact you will lose, there’s no doubt of that.

Yours Truly