A letter in memory of my dad…The Things I Carry

Several years ago, our youngest son, Aaron was required to write an essay for his English class entitled, “The Things I Carry”…I remember being intrigued by the topic of his essay. This particular essay focused on the physical objects he carried in his backpack, his wallet, and then also the objects that cluttered his truck. He was also required to write about the collection of memories that were important to him. Years later, I find myself reflecting on my dad’s life and the “things” I carry, along with the memories that I have about my life with my father.

On April 10, 2010, I said my final goodbyes to my dad. Later that week, I stood up and shared what I believed to be important memories of my dad. I spoke about his love of sailing at the Afterbay at Lake Oroville, California, his love of sailing on his favorite Northern California lake–Lake Almanor, and his love of sailing the ocean blue…so true. I spoke about his love of taking his girls up to Lake Almanor–fishing, sailing, staying at our PG & E cabin, and just the joy of being a family. I also shared that I will also carry in my memories because of my dad:
~the fact he loved each family member unconditionally
~his love of blue Ford Mustangs…both convertibles and hardtops
~his love of backyard birds
~his ability to accept you for who you are
~the connection I feel to his birthplace, Orland, California, and our family that still lives there
~his love of a-monds, not All-minds
~his love of black licorice and jujubes
~the joy he received from the births of each of his 13 grandchildren
~his determination to conserve energy; always reminding us to turn off all the lights in the room when leaving
~his dedication to his job with Pacific Gas and Electric
~his love of his Caspar Beach vacation spot in Mendocino
~his desire to be a successful a-mond farmer
~his willingness to help the family out when in need
~the dedication he had to help his Uncle Bill out while his uncle fought terminal cancer
~his love of breakfast–early morning trips to Jack’s Restaurant or the Cozy Diner..sometimes accompanied by a family member or not
~his love of books and reading newspapers….many newspapers.
~my dad’s ability to be calm and cool under pressure
~his collection of boxes of things…carrying them from home to home…and now how his girls do the same thing.

I now think about the things I carry in memory of my dad…what I do carry may not be objects that my dad possessed, but what I carry is the essence of what a good person he was…there may have been challenges in our lifetime–issues that never got resolved, words that were never spoken, feelings that were never expressed, but for today, I am choosing to honor the man who I remember at age 11–the man who cuddled me and protected me from the flying monkeys and the Wicked Witch of the West. The things I carry about my father’s memory, I’ve discovered are not just the big moments in life, but those moments that if not paying attention, may just be a whisper away…I miss you Dad–every day.

With each stitch and square
Each row and thumb prick
Your story has been told

Each quilt is a story you share
The battles you’ve survived
And the last battle you lost

A smile like yours is rare
Each day im starting to believe you’re truly gone
Everyday my heart breaks a little more

Watching the life you’ve made disappear
It hurts to know you’re gone

It hurts to know I won’t ever see that smile again
That I won’t ever hear that laugh again
That I won’t feel your touch again
That I won’t ever smell that old grandma smell
That I wont ever taste your sweet ice coffee

But each each stitch I make in my quilt is how I tell your story
It’s how I can tell our story

My Tash,
This is one of the hardest letters I have ever had to write. When I speak or think your name, the tears form in my eyes and slowly start escaping down my cheek. Once the tears start, they don’t stop and they come down faster as the water over Niagara Falls.
When I think of you, I think of how beautiful you were inside and out. I think about how I had so much fun and was at my happiest when you were around. I think about no matter how hard you fought for great things, and the world stayed on top of you, that you found a way to always be genuine and caring. You stayed fighting for others and bringing peace.
I will never forget the night on June 2nd, 2020, when I received a call with dad sounding frantic. Shiba I’m at the hospital with Tash! Shiba does your sister have illnesses? Shiba is there anything wrong with your sister medically? I replied, only for him to hang up and call me back once again. They said they didn’t know what was wrong. Nothing is working.
Dad yelled at me to call mom and hung up. I called so many times. I know it was late. Not to mention the middle of the country doesn’t always have reception. Mom! Please answer! I wish I could have gotten through to her Tash. I tried.
Dad raced to the house and picked me up. No regards to covid or the red lights. He sped to the hospital. He told me to sit back and I told him “not until I made sure you were okay.” We make it to the hospital, and he smiles with the staff. They hand me my mask and we get through security. Dad pointed to the room and as my hands hit the door, he yelled out that you were gone.
I looked at him in disbelief and i pulled my arms back and pushed the door so hard and fast to walk around the curtain and see you on the table. The tube was in your mouth and your eyes were closed. I broke out loud in cries. Tash, you, my baby sister, was laying on the table, lifeless. All I could do was rub your hair and kiss your forehead like I always did when I came to see you. You were only 37!! How could this even happen?! You was never supposed to go before me.
My world was shattered. I could barely walk. I could barely stay in the room. I could barely stand up next to you. I protected you from everything I could and I failed you on this. I couldn’t protect you. I didn’t even know. I wasn’t there! I am now an empty shell. My best friend, my baby sister, I basically helped raise you. I took care of you like I was the mom. I miss you so.

Dear Tash,
It’s me again. Your babies are doing the most beautiful things. They are so grown up now. I know you are proud of them as you watch over them. You did an amazing job and I am also extremely proud of them.
I miss you. Your birthday and your pass days are still the hardest for me. Sometimes, tears escape just a little bit and sometimes they escape a lot. I will never forget you. I am honored and blessed to have ever had the chance to have you in my life. God said love your people because you never know when they will be needed back. I definitely didn’t know he needed you so soon. I loved you immensely when you were alive, and I love you just the same now. I just have an unwavering pain in my heart. I really miss you.
Your nieces and nephew are doing amazing things as well. Your newest great niece Winter is so cute and sweet like her brother. She would have loved you. The kids all miss you. Your friends still miss you. They visit my page often to check on me and feel a bit of you. You have really good friends Tash.
Thank you for the frequent dream visits and thank you for the birds, butterflies, ladybugs, breeze, dimes and rain. Thank you for the light flickers to let me know you are there. Thank you for your subtle touch on my arm or forehead when I am asleep or relaxing deep in thought. I know you are always here.
I love you so much Tash. I will never, ever forget you. No matter what I go through, you will aways be on my mind and always have a place in my heart. My baby sister. You were gone too soon. But one day, I will get to visit you and we will laugh and dance on the moon.
Love Always,
Shib

In loving memory of my little sister Natausha(Tash), an extraordinary woman who loved beyond fault and without boundaries. I cherish her forever.

Dearest Papa,

The world has changed in the 13 years that you have been gone from this earth. In many ways it has changed in positive ways such as my two incredible sons George and Edward. They both remind me so much of you in so many ways. The both showed up in this world very early George was born at 27 weeks at 2lbs 1 oz. and boy was he a fighter! There was nothing that was going to stop him from growing and becoming a strong man like you. Then there is Edward who decided to only show up 6 weeks early at 4lbs 5oz. I thought he was huge and what I didn’t know was his personality was going to be as big as yours, he is determined to live life to the fullest just like you. Everyday I have a moment where I wish that you could be here with me to enjoy their giggles and see all the good they are bringing to the world and those around them.

The other day Edward was playing with a group of his friends and his friends were arguing about which team in baseball was better, when all of a sudden I hear Edward say ” guys, guys we don’t need to argue about this. It’s ok for us each to like different teams and cheer for different teams and we can still all be friends.” As I over heard his words my heart began to fill with happiness. It reminded me of the time I came to visit you and Nana and it was election year.

I remember the two of you in a heated debate and I was so worried you two were mad at each other and I wasn’t sure what to do. Then all of a sudden you said ” oh Ann, that is a very good point and that is why I love you so much.” I was puzzled and when you were putting me to bed I asked what just happened with you and Nana. I will never forget your response you said “Oh we were just talking about politics and most of the time we have very different points of view on politics.” ” Papa , does that make you sad?” “Sad, no it makes me happy that your Nana is still the smart, well spoken and knowledgeable woman I feel in love with 40 years ago. Her beauty is not only on the outside, her beauty grows deep and her intelligence is what knocked me off my feet.” I remember thinking (as a 11 year old) wow that is love.

Love is when you find someone that challenges you to believe in yourself. They recognize your beauty is not just on the surface, your beauty is what is in your heart and mind. In that moment you taught me that love is its purest when you find someone that loves you for who you are and even when you disagree on things, if you take the time to listen to their point of view you can come to an understanding because your love is more important then any political stance or sports team.

Throughout my life our conversations over the years have stayed with me and I found someone that loves me the way you loved Nana. At my wedding when you and I had our last dance together you told me “Make sure he loves you as you deserved to be loved.” Well, Papa I listened and we just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary and each year continues to get better as we enjoy life to the fullest and watch our boys grow into strong, loving , empathic men just like you. I will love you forever and miss you for always.

The day I came
You were there;
Snuggled to you, 
Your heartbeat became
My safe place. 

Years went by
In the blink of an eye, 
Following you everywhere, 
Learning and absorbing it all. 

Look at me! 
See what I can do!
Owie! That hurt!
And you were there – 

To pick me up;
Snuggled to you
Your heartbeat
My safe place. 

Another blink
And here comes the struggle
Of growth and rebellion,
Yet still needed you. 

The hurts became 
More internal and
I lashed out 
And hurt you, too –

But still you came
To pick me up,
Snuggled to you
Your heartbeat –
My safe place. 

We came to the day
When you gave me away;
We laughed as we walked 
Sharing only as we could;

You choked up
Telling him and all the world
To cherish me,
Your little girl. 

We kept learning 
And growing, 
New life, new stages,
New struggles and

Ever more changes-
Always helped me 
To learn how to do
And to allow for mistakes;

And when it got too tough
You picked me up,
Snuggled to you
Your heartbeat –
Always my safe place. 

Then life threw curves –
Big, ugly business –
And all our lives
Became disrupted. 

But we held it in,
Held it together –
Getting through, 
Revealing strengths,

Revealing weakness. 
When it got to be
A flood of emotions
And too much to hold

You still picked me up
Snuggled to your chest
Your heartbeat
Once again my safe place. 

And as we went through 
Those bad months… 
Years… 
In all your pain

You still 
Picked me up,
Snuggled to you
Your heartbeat, 
Still my safe place. 

Your heartbeat formed
The steady rhythm,
The drum beat of my life. 
And I remember

The last day
I saw you – 
You laughed at my
Latest stories

Adventures and antics,
Accomplishments – –
And you said – – –
“I am so glad

You know
How to do 
All these things.”
That day I knew

Without a doubt
How proud of me you were. 
And you knew that you had
Given me the tools I needed

To carry on – 
When the day
Would come –
Too soon…

When no more could you
Pick me up, 
Snuggle me to you
To hear your heartbeat, 
To be my safe place. 

That last time
My head on on your chest
You patted my head
And I think we knew –

That my latest stories, 
Those recent fixes, 
The newest dances, 
I would no longer share.

How can it be
That my life-giver
My safe space
Would never be again!!!

But then I look 
To the little ones,
And I know
That I must hand on

All you taught me. 
They must learn 
All you would have 
Shared in a lifetime. 

And most of all,
I hope I do it right, 
Whether they fall or fly, 
When they need me

I pick them up,
Snuggled them to me, 
And pray my heartbeat
Can be their safe place. 

Hi you,
You would be 25 or 26 today. I miss you. It still doesn’t feel true that your still gone. I have seen the way it has affected your friends and family around you. I don’t know what you went through but I do know all the pain that never stops, the ground that doesn’t stop shaking. Trying to pull you under so fast its hard to breathe but you helped me to think about my own life, the people around me. And to remind me that the never ending storms or what it feels like will stop. Lights will be turned back on. Many more people care about you then you will ever know. You will go on to do incredible things, do things that you are proud of and people you will meet that will make it worth the wait. Everyday you wake up alive is the greatest blessing. Never forget that.

YOU taught me this…
I believe the most important things you taught me in life – through your words, your knowledge, your kindness, your example, your love – are here for me in your death. And I also believe what you felt I taught you in our short time together sustained you in life. Now is the time I understand completely just what we were doing together.
The things I have learned in the last two years seems like a lifetimes worth. I see things so differently now. It’s strange just how different I am; in my soul.
I see myself through YOUR eyes. I always saw myself through my own distorted view. While I may have had confidence when you met me it was never a true sense of worth. It is truly an amazing fortune to know what unconditional feels like. I know now exactly who I am and I am not afraid to be myself. I liked me before, but you loved me – in all my goodness and my flaws. I never had to question your feelings for me and you showed me that is a real and possible thing in this life. You are not here but this sustains me.
”You’re not picky. You just know what you want” – there is a very huge difference and it matters. I hear these words all the time now. I say them to the people that are most important to me. When you know you have value you will NEVER settle. In my life now, those I meet and actually want to become friends with, will have the qualities I want and need in my life. There is ZERO time to waste on anything less. You are not here but this sustains me.
You taught me to let go, and I have. I let go of the fear; the fear there is no where to go from here. You told me I was a beautiful, strong, independent woman – all the time. I know ALL the girls in your life heard these same words – YOU built the confidence to help me find my way ahead. You are not here but this sustains me.
The constant battle to control my mind and heart is part of an exhausting emotional war for my soul. On some days I win the battle, take back control, my mind speaks and my soul can breath. Other days I lose and my heart finds its footing, my soul takes its dying breath…I slowly find my way to sleep – albeit troubled and restless – so I can find the strength to fight again tomorrow. The war I wage is to fit my heart, mind, and soul into a reality not of my choosing. But I will remember ALL the things you taught me in our life together and will find my path. You are not here but this sustains me.
I will NEVER settle – you wanted nothing less than this for my life.
You are not here but THIS sustains me…


Treading water

Just once
Can I see you

Desire
Surprise
Excite
Thrill
Joy
Love
Glory

The AWE

Slipped away

My First
My Only

Shocked
Sadness
Fear
Anger
Guilt
Panic
Emptiness

The Lonely

Head high
Patiently waiting

Clouds of pleasure

Whimsical
Gentle
Bright
Curious
Amazing
Inspires
Cherished

The TREASURE

Until we meet
In Heaven

Together

She doesn’t know
How she got here
She thought she was more
Than a slave to her fear
He once held her hand
So close to his heart
And now all she feels
Is what keeps them apart
He now watches over her
And the two girls she carries
Whose eyes match his
Even though he is buried.

Her eyes never forget
The stories his told
She once thought she knew
They would always grow old
Together they shared
So much it just ached
To know it no longer
Would be what she placed
Hope for the future
She’s now bound to the past
Memories cling to her mind
She wishes they’d last.

Now she tells his stories
To his girls every day
So they don’t ever forget
His love never goes away
With his dying breath
He knew he’d never part
His professed love for his girls
Came straight from his heart.

He was so young
To leave this earth behind
Now she must rise up
And trust she will find
The strength to go on
Despite what she feels
Or doubts in her mind
Though this is too real
It’s not the end for her
But a new beginning.

With his invisible hand
Holding hers at her side
She knows she will always
Be forever his bride.
No matter what happens
Or where she might go
She knows she will never
Be truly alone
His spirit is with her
His heart lives on
With her children she sees him
It was there all along.

Dear Great Granny,

I understand.
Believe me, I do.
I would have loved
to have met you though.

I know from old pictures
that you were a treasure;
a formidable force
but also a treasure.

Born in rural Kentucky,
or was it Missouri?
You had a fraternal twin brother
who died.
Do you realize you do not have a birth record?
And your brother does not have a death record?
In any state,
according to Ancestry?
Only hearsay,
as shared with the following generations.

(I have a theory about your mysterious beginnings.)

In life,
you were ahead of your time.
You never backed down.
You had nine children;
eight daughters who were my great aunts
and one son; my grandfather.
He thought the world of you.
One of your baby girls died
the day she was born.
You were left widowed young,
alone raising all those kids.
How did you do it?

You bought land in Virginia,
and built a house.
You had determination,
ambition,
grit
and
resilience.
You raised your kids and grandkids,
while everyone else worked outside the home.
You took charge
when times were hard.
You looked tough,
and tall,
with strong arms and a square jaw
but were also
kind and nurturing.
You were fair but did not accept nonsense.
You had boundaries,
and you knew how to use them.
You got the job done.

When I was adopted,
the agency blamed you.
The social worker
told my parents
that you made my birth mother relinquish me,
because no one could care for me right.

It’s not your fault.
I believe this.
I know this,
because I found your family,
which is my family too now.
They were close, but
filled with drama
and unpredictability
at the time.
You had my sister and four cousins to look after.
You were in your 70s.
Who was taking care of you?

So I get it.
I never heard your side of the story,
as you saw things,
but I feel it.
You were a strong (physically and mentally) woman,
for many people
and probably the biggest reason
why my sister
and cousins
are such fine folks today.
You taught them to do the right thing.
I thank you for that.

You and I have many things in common.
We are fiercely loyal to our families,
and we spend lots of time with grandchildren.
We are resourceful and focused.
we deal with life’s emergencies,
and we survive.

As for my theory regarding your and your brother’s missing birth records:

In spite of never having met in person,
I believe that you and I have one more big thing in common.
The difference is you never knew,
and I did.

Perhaps you were adopted also.

Theresa, may I see you
As it is this day?
May I take one final breath,
And with you fly away?
Who is there,
What do you see?
Have I questions aware,
That you come back to me…so fair?
Woman, I caught-another’s’ power
And so missed you on your final hour.
Honey, woman, darlin-Dear…
I know the One who answers clear.
May I not let this tear me up-
My knowing your there is comfort enough.
May now I see you? Bet!
I’ll stay in 2nd heaven soon,
On the Moon of my regret…
You’re alive in my heart-And True.
2 lines alive-one for me, and one for you.

Sincerely, Timothy