I remember you like a bad dream. I know I can never completely get rid of you, no matter how much I’ve regretted you and wished you away. Of all the pieces to my puzzle, you are the ugliest one. But I have realized that no matter how much I hate the past, it doesn’t change. There is no amount of regret or shame that can will you out of existence. You will forever be a part of me. I am learning how to be grateful for you; how to forgive you. I know that if not for you, I would not be who I am today.

What you allow time and experience to teach you will lead you to a new life, a new version of you. A couple of years down the road from the hole you live in now, you will experience a loss and a life-change that will shake you to your core. Your life will reach a boiling point, and something will force your awakening. You will come to realize your strength, your capability, and your worth, but not without suffering. Suffering will be your greatest teacher.

It’s hard to look back on who I was; who you are. A young girl so desperate for direction and love that she would do anything she could to have it, even if it was just an illusion. A girl so desperate for the approval of others, that you have not bothered to look inward for the love you can offer yourself. A girl so stuck in her own victimhood that you are blind to all the power you hold. Yet, this version of me that you are will take me exactly where I need to go.

A harsh and beautiful realization you will come to is that no one cares and nothing matters. No one is coming to save you. No one is coming to teach you how to live and there will never be a guidebook to life handed to you. It’s all on you, and hey, if you mess up, no one will care that much about it in the long run. The most important thing is that you are true to yourself; that your life is wholeheartedly yours. With all the mistakes, failures, and lessons, this story is yours to tell.

When I tell my story now, I look back on you and hold space to love you just as you are. While I have spent time wishing you never existed, I know you are as crucial a part as any to my unfolding story. I will love you hard enough for the both of us. I look forward to the next version of myself, the one who will look back on the me I am today and carry me with her. She will carry both of us with her, and she will love and forgive the both of us. It is in this evolution that we will be able to reach our highest potential, and all the versions of us will rest in harmony with each other.

Style Score: 69%

As your eyes closed one last time, the song “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley was playing.

About five years after you passed, at a time when I had felt entirely unraveled, I heard that song playing in a restaurant. All of the noise around me and in my head was silenced. I knew it was you. Now, whenever I hear that song, I think it’s you reminding me that “every little thing is gonna be alright”.

You were my grandfather, but in reality, you were more like my father. For all the times he wasn’t there for me, you were. You were the one to drive me to school, tell me stories, and teach me about your favorite things like flowers, trees, and airplanes. You were the one who showed me Bob Dylan and Mark Knopfler. You were the one behind the video camera making sure my childhood would be remembered and you were the one sitting in the stands at my swim meets with your own stopwatch in hand.

I wish I could talk to you now that I’m an adult; now that I understand a bit more what the world is made of. Sometimes I wish you were here to tell me what to do. The more that I understand, the more I admire the man you were. The more I see the real world, the more I admire the way you walked through it.

One of my favorite stories to tell about you is a time when you were in the National Guard working as an air mechanic. Your boss came to you with a promotion opportunity and you, being always so true to yourself, said to him “who is the best at what I do?”

“Well, you,” he answered.

“Then why would you want to change that?” You said. The integrity you carried yourself with and the passion you had for what you did is unmatched by anyone I’ve ever met.

There is so much about you that I aspire to be. You were the smartest man I ever knew. It seemed like you knew everything about everything. You were sure of yourself, and you stood strong in the person you were.

Whenever I see a feather on the ground, I am drawn to it. I pick it up and I think of you. No particular reason why; perhaps it reminds me of the “Three Little Birds” song. Maybe I am just searching for you everywhere I go, but I like to think of it as you saying “hi” and that you’re still with me.

I will hold you and your memory close to my heart until the day I die. I will live my life in a way that celebrates your honor. I will remember to be brave, gather my feathers, and sing “every little thing is gonna be alright”.

When I find myself running from madness
I am always going to the same place
Chasing solace, I run as fast as I can
I run away to the water over and over again

It called to me when I was lost inside myself
When I had lost sight of who I was
Pulled me in and held me in harmony
Helped me to feel small and safe

Wrapped in its motion, my body can be free
I move effortlessly, entirely supported
I speak my greatest fears and deepest worries
Knowing in here, they can be washed clean

Like a child, I am able to play
Like I did years ago
In a lake far away from home
Born a swimmer and bound to the mystical

Above the earth and below the sun, I am one with the world
I belong
No place on land compares to my sanctuary
In the water and inside my peace

The rest of the world is quiet
And so is my mind
Drifting in the open, I can finally surrender
I have no one that I need to be

My problems can’t swim
They sit on the shore waiting for my return
But I swim to be saved
And to shed them for good

I will run from chaos as fast as I can
Running until the road runs out
To where my spirit can rest easy
I will run until I’m able to swim

Dear Little Me,

There has always been so much going on in that little mind of yours. It never seems to be quiet. I know you spend your time daydreaming, telling stories in your head. It brings you comfort to dream about your life. I also know you spend entirely too much time worrying.

All the time that you spend in fear of what could happen, is useless. To tell you the truth, all your deepest fears will come true. Scary things are going to happen to you, and you will still see the sun the next morning. You will still feel gentle and kind toward the world. You will learn both how brutal and beautiful life can be.

Terrible things will happen that you haven’t even considered. There will be heartbreak, grief, and failure in your future, I promise you. But this is not anything to fear or dread. Life is going to knock you to your knees time and time again, and what you have not considered, is that you will get back up time and time again.

You have not considered that maybe you are capable of handling whatever life has to bring you. You will realize your strength and your inner wisdom, and you will hold those virtues near and dear. You will persevere through every hardship, and you will learn gratitude for life and shed what is not meant for you.

Worrying right now will not prevent what is to come nor will it solve the future’s problems. That is much easier said than done, I know. If hearing that statement was enough for you to stop worrying about anything and everything, you would have stopped by now.

Right now, you are so worried about your grades, your parents, your social life, if you are likable, your appearance, not being good enough, not doing good enough, and if you will ever discover your life’s purpose. Such harsh pressures to put on yourself as a young girl.

It will take time for you to realize that the only person there is to impress, compete with, and value the opinion of is yourself. Right now, you do not know the value of letting go. You dig your claws into everything and everyone you love, and you are terrified of losing or being left. In time, you will get rid of this desperation. You will see how freeing it can be to let go of the need to control everything that happens in your life.

I know that you have always been a worrier. A mental planner for when that other shoe drops. But what if I gave you permission to let go of your worries and your need to control everything around you? Does it seem impossible to do? Is it justifiable enough coming from me?

Well firstly, turn on your stereo and dance in your bedroom. Bounce on your bed and put on your jewelry. Indulge in what your strange and beautiful little self wants most. Honor her everyday for me. Swing on swing sets at the playground, hug your mom, ride your bike until the sun goes down, write stories, eat grandma’s chocolate chip cookies, swim in the lake until your fingers turn to prunes, talk to the trees, play your music loud and embrace the not knowing what is to come next.

You will get to this place soon enough. You will find your harmony with the world amidst all the terrible things that are going to happen. They will come, and they will go, and you will still see the sun and hear the birds sing in the morning.

I can’t wait for you to see.

Your Future Self