When asked the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up,” no one responds a low level employee at a mega department store. However, that’s where my life’s journey took me. Initially I planned to be there for three months which became three years.
During my time working there I faced many life altering challenges such as domestic violence, a house fire, failing school, homelessness, financial instability,etc. It seemed to ME that the only thing I was good at was my job. Work and became my safe haven from the chaos of life so I invested all my creative energy into making my department the best. I began to build my whole life around the demands of the job and the more I gave the more they took. It didn’t matter to me because it made me feel good to be great at something.
Although I did acquire new skills, I settled and became complacent. I accepted this was my life, but subconsciously I knew I deserved better.
Working in the bakery gave me the most joy. Eventually I became a cake decorator and it gave me pleasure to create beautiful things for others to enjoy. Management offered me a temporary position as bakery manager, which I declined. However when I was told the offer was permanent I accepted. At the time I made a lot of internal and external changes in my life and I felt it was only up from here.
I worked hard for what I felt I earned. One day they called me in the office to tell me although I was doing phenomenally, they were giving the job to the old manager. Initially I protested and asked questions to no avail. When I reevaluated the paperwork I signed my heart sank. Although I was listed as a permanent manager in my profile the contract said overlay which meant they could give it to the old manager at any time. I felt betrayed and hurt. My choices were made simple relocate as a low level employee or quit. With that came a pay cut that was lower than my initial pay rate before I was promoted.
After I cried, I calmed down and meditated. I realized there was another radical option. I could start my own cake business. I possessed the skill and tenacity, so what could stop me but fear? Would I continue to stand in my own way?
With considerable research I realized it was very possible with little cost. I had to release limiting mindsets and confidence was the key to being as successful as I wanted to be. If I could invest creative ideas to build up a multi billion dollar company why not in myself? I still had some doubts, but within a week I made my first sell.
I am currently in the process of opening my business, working part time and restarting school with a new goal in mind. I have more time for myself and my children.
Remember your dreams and know you deserve better. Be who you want to be. No matter how much time it takes or who thinks you’re unworthy. You determine your value. Speak positively and give yourself grace. Every breathe is an opportunity to make those changes. You have the final say, so never give up and I’ll see you on the other side!

Dear Friends Simply Hanging On,

I had trouble thinking about a dream or goal I had that came true that I would feel good writing to you about.

I graduated from university with highest honors but I went through a hell to achieve that goal that I would rather have no one else repeat.

I had a beautiful wedding that I was proud of because I planned it almost entirely on my own while working 50 hours per week at my job, but now I am divorced after eight years of marriage. The wedding clearly was not a long-term success.

I landed my dream job, writing law that would affect mental health care, but working there mentally and emotionally broke me to the point where I am disabled and unable to work ever again.

The dream I had that came true, that I am actually proud of, is living to age 40. I did not expect to live nearly this long.

My suicidal ideation and attempts began when I was 14 years old. Given how often I was injuring myself intentionally, it is a wonder that I lived to walk the stage at my high school graduation when I was 17.

My adult life often treated me harshly. I was in two long, challenging relationships. It took me seven years to graduate from university. Twenty years of intermittent employment were a huge challenge before I finally accepted that my mental health conditions severely limited my ability to work. I have been a patient at the psych hospital 18 times from the ages of 15 through 40.

When I feel any danger to my own life, I make it to the psych hospital quickly. The psych hospital is the soft place to land so I can give up the fight with the part of myself who wants the pain to end so badly that they would rather not exist.

My resilience and incredible will to live vastly outweigh my many urges to end my life every single time. I get up off the ground more times than I fall.

For many years, I have tried to fight the urges on my own. Sure, I went to therapy and took medications, but I was not completely honest with my care team. I put on a happy face because that was what I thought I was supposed to do. I even laughed and cracked many jokes throughout my life to maintain the facade.

I had a lightbulb moment eventually during one of my multiple psych hospital stays at age 36. I realized I had to be honest about how I felt and advocate for myself to get what I needed. I also had to get honest with myself and stop seeing the negative in everything.

I have had many challenging life events from ages 36 through 40. Divorce. Relocation. Death of a parent. Career loss. Bankruptcy. The list goes on.

I choose not to see these as negative. I feel incredibly blessed to have experienced all of this. I feel grateful that I could live long enough to tell these tales. I could not have endured any of these challenges had I ended my life while I was in high school.

Life is quickly looking up for me. There are still challenges, but I know I can handle anything the universe throws my way. Making it to age 40 has been fantastic. In fact, I spent my 40th birthday in the psych hospital, surrounded by an understanding care team and a handful of kind patients. It is not how I envisioned celebrating 40, but it is certainly a creative way for my birthday to be recognized.

I have plenty to live for, although I have little money and I cannot work. I set many goals, such as learning new skills and hobbies, meeting people with common interests, and getting back to my first love: writing.

If you have lost the will to live, please remember that things do get better. No emotion lasts forever. Try to imagine yourself five, ten, twenty years from now. Where do you want to be?

It is a dream come true that I have made it to 40 years of age. My next dream is to reach 50 years. I hope you become grateful for your life, too, if you have not already. I am telling you with absolute confidence that it is possible for you because you, too, have an unshakeable will to live. It is in your DNA.

However, if these feelings of despair persist, please call the crisis line in your country. You do not have to endure this alone.

The life you’ve fought so hard for is more than just a dream.

We both know you’re the most solid on my team.

Greatness is your birthright; you’re a true visionary.

I admire your power; it is nothing short of extraordinary.

Once I got to know you, I knew we’d be unstoppable.

Nothing in this world can stop us from doing the impossible.

When I faced my deepest, darkest fears, you never chose sides.

With you, I’m an open book absolved of pride.

I’m far from perfect, but I try my best to do what’s right.

I no longer want to be a shadow of my former self; I was born to shine bright.

I recently received my college acceptance letter after a 6-year gap.

I took your advice, trusted my intuition, and built a better mousetrap.

I was shocked by the news; I know you’re one proud little girl.

I promised I’d make it up to you; it’s your dreamworld.

Continue working towards your goals; the results will come to fruition.

Always believe in yourself, and God will place you in position.

Not everyone is lucky to experience someone like you.

You’re truly one of a kind in all that you do.

I’ve learned that good things come to those who wait, but everything comes at a cost.

Are you willing to sacrifice what’s making you comfortable to gain more than you lost?

My parents told me ever since I was a little boy that I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. They would say things like, ‘Gregory, you’re so smart. You can accomplish anything if you set your mind to it.’ ‘Greg, you’re good at everything you try. If you’d just apply yourself, you can have a great career.’ But those are just things parents are supposed to tell their kids, right? Isn’t that part of being a parent? Making a child believe they can do anything they set their hearts to? Encouraging your kids to aim for the stars?

At 10, you ask ‘Can I be a cheerleader like my big sister?’ You’re met with laughter which fades quickly because they realize you’re serious. No, the answer is no. That’s what girls do and you’re a boy. You can do anything that boys do.

At 12, your grades drop in school, and you’ve lost interest. You’re told ‘you’re smarter than this.’ You ask, ‘Can I do gymnastics like my little sister, or be a ballerina?’ Gregory, they would say, that’s for girls. Not boys. You’re not a girl. And you replied, why can’t I be? And the answer is simply because you cannot.

You’re sent to your room, told never to speak of this again. And you didn’t, until you were 14. You told them you didn’t know what you wanted to do with your life. You’re reminded that you can do anything you want. And they heard you mumble that’s a lie. You’re sent to a Dr. to fix you. To make sure you never have those thoughts again. For years it worked.

You’re 42, it’s another sleepless night scrolling the internet. For some reason you do a specific search that night. You send an email and think, I’ll put all these thoughts to rest finally. The next day you get a reply. She wants you to tell her about yourself. You pour your heart out. You tell her all your thoughts and feelings of wanting to be a cheerleader, a mother and how puberty was torture.

Two days later she calls you and says she has an opening! But fear sets in. Is she going to be like the one that tried to fix you when you were 14? You decide it’s worth the risk. And for the first time in 30 years, you have a therapist. She is kind, compassionate and understanding. She says you can be anything you want, it’s never too late. You recoil because your parents used to tell you that. You tell the therapist that’s a lie parents say. And she counters with, why? Why is it a lie?

Because you’ll lose everything. Your kids, job, family, and partner. You have responsibilities. She says, you have responsibilities to yourself as well and that while she can’t make promises on if you’ll lose anything or anyone or not, what she can promise you is, that shedding your mask and people’s perception of you may be scary, yet it can also be rewarding to be your authentic self. And she guides you along the way.

And each milestone along the way heals you a little bit. You find a little more joy in life whereas before, that was something you didn’t see a lot of. Then one day, you see her in the mirror. It was just a quick glimpse, but you seen her. It’s weeks before you see her again, but she lingers a little longer. And over the next few years she replaces him in the mirror until you hardly see him anymore. You wonder if he was ever real or not. You make new connections, and you lose some connections in your life. Yet, you gain new connections that are much stronger.

Your relationship with your kids becomes stronger when you thought they’d hate you. 4 years after meeting your therapist, you have your first surgery. And you’re riding high. 5 years after meeting your therapist you have the big surgery. That’s the moment your soul is healed. You say goodbye to your therapist because you don’t need her anymore. In parting you leave her this message that is the most profound thing you were ever told, even if you thought it was a lie.

You tell her that once upon a time, there was this kid who dared to dream. He was told he could be anything he wanted to be when he grew up. So, he became a woman and lived happily ever after. All it took was for one person to believe in her and to support her and she found that she could do anything she wanted to in the world because all she had to do was dream it and then manifest it.

i’d gaze upon the nightsky
watching stars streak on by

i’d toss a few coins
into elegant fountains

i was doing all that
with one thing in mind

a wish that i would cherish
if it would ever come true

but the stars would fade
and day would come

the coins would blend in
along with the other ones

i thought it wasn’t true
maybe it wasn’t meant to be

and now, i no longer wish
i don’t need to wish
not anymore

for i have you
and i’m thankful
that my wish came true

Dear Unsealed,
WHEN DREAMS COME TRUE
DARE TO DREAM
Since I am almost seventy-five
I will tell you a story of my life behind my eyes.
I was one to read music magazines,
All the boy bands and whims
Of rock and roll
Blues and soul
At the incredibly youthful age of ten.
Yes, I did begin to dream to win.
I worked hard.
Played hard.
I studied hard.
It was the seventies,
Then the eighties,
Then the nineties,
I worked at the LA Times in the eighties.
End of the eighties
I was working as a makeup artist.
And let us wind down there.
You might not have time to spare,
As I have thousands of stories to tell
As deep as a wishing well.
The nineties were good,
As I was forty going on twenty-five
As it seemed to a few bees in a hive.
My first dream job was The LA Times,
But I met a man and forgot to be sublime.
My second job per say
Happened in freelance journalism and film
With my new guy
And no rhyme at that time
I worked with The American Indian Movement in the nineties.
I met john Trudell,
And that went well.
We were there to interview
For a documentary film
The Palomino Club of North Hollywood
So, I have stood
In so many good places and even on a whim.
I met Sonny Bono, the Mayor of Palm Springs at a POW WOW
So how
Did I do that you say?
That is for another day.
I joined up with Women in Film
On a whim.
The nineties came along
To sing another song
I met another guy,
A music writer by trade.
My new guy took me to a special party
In Burbank,
To a Christmas party
Really swank.
I dressed up in fancy high heel boots
To walk by my guy in his suit
My dress was a tight mini skirt and top,
And all were cream of crop.
We drove there to the valet,
Then I walked into the door with my guy
Waving at friends in high places
We were sitting at our reserved table
To wine and dine at the insatiable
CMA
Country Music Association Christmas Party
Music, dancing, food, and ‘party hardy’.
I could go on to tell you more,
But I will say later my friend
Before you get bored.
MUSIC TURNS MY WORLD!
This is a tiny burst
Of my adventures of blurs
And good times
Of rhyme
Or reason
For the season!
Love is real
It’s a deal
Of the good, the bad, the ugly
Of time spans of decades
Of love, heartache, laughter, blues
Facades
Of time
To smile at my life
The strife
At almost 75
I have written a song
From my back pages of strife of life.
My song, “I Woke up Alone”
The song
Was published on Apple
A full song on Spotify
Of life, love from above
To be a woman at 75
Alive
Still rocking & rolling
To the beat.
The publication of my song
Was to say the least
My newest job of sweet sighs
Of “I did it.”

Write, write, write!
Letter by letter
Press by press
Line by line, each dot connects.

Write, write, right?
You did it, you did,
Every key typed in
Every lettered line is drawn tight.
Writing done right.

In books, on pages,
In emails and spaces
A mark you have left for the ages.

Online, offline, books, or naught
A writer, you are, but forget you should not.