Dear 15 year old me,

Man are you in for a ride.

And I don’t mean one of those smooth sailing, dreamy boat rides that you find in Disney. I’m talking Six Flags Goliath, being suspended in the air with no choice but to stick it out.

That’s probably not what you want to hear, but preparation is key.

Let’s start with the good: You win homecoming queen your senior year. I already spoiled something huge, so now you don’t have to make such an ugly crying face when they announce your name as the winner.

But underneath the tiara, something is happening within your brain. The extreme episodes of depression and highs aren’t just hormones and the instability that comes with being a teenager.

I know you remember the bouts of sadness you witnessed from your dad. How he’d stare out the window for days, completely mum. How you’d crawl into bed and sleep next to him, hoping to incite some reaction out of him that wasn’t stillness.

But his depression never permanently stayed. You know those nights he’d be up for hours, awaking you and your mom at 2 a.m. with a plethora of brilliant ideas that he wanted to get started on? True, you haven’t seen him for years, but he left you behind something. You probably don’t want it, but it’s not up to you.

It’s more than looks that are hereditary. Everyone says you look just like him, but every time you see your mom’s face, you swear you look just like her. Maybe it’s wishful thinking or sheer admiration since she was the parent that stuck around.

That gift he left leads you to therapy your junior year of college (Sorry, but I can’t spoil where you end up at). But as soon as you hear your therapist, who you made so much progress with, utter the words “bipolar,” you no-show enough appointments to the point they bar you from coming back for months.

You wait. And wait. I know that sounds improbable since you’re the most impatient human on this planet. You’d hit the fast forward button on life if you could … but again, you wait, and try to get better on your own.

I want you to know that it’s always okay to ask for a helping hand. If you did, the episodes of hypomania and depression might’ve been frozen in their tracks earlier.

You’re 24 by the time you seek help. Your “Kobe year” as they call your 24th birthday (here’s your head start on all the cool kid lingo) kind of feels like a championship, word to Black Mamba.

You’re finally diagnosed. But this time, the mention of bipolar II is almost a relief. A win. There’s still a stigma around taking pills for your mental health, but it’s not as cutthroat as it is your freshman year of high school. It helps that you’re surrounded by people who can relate, navigating their own battles just like you.

This totally sounds like a nightmare, and your mind will jump to the worst after reading this forewarning. But let me tell you this — you will experience so many moments of beauty that it’ll be hard to wrap your head around.

Yes, you have bipolar disorder, but that didn’t stop you from embarking on a solo trip to the Canary Islands (No shade, but do you even know where that is on a map? If not, you’ll soon figure it out). You live in Argentina for a summer. You see the Coliseum and your high school textbooks won’t do it justice. You spend surreal nights partying in Madrid, New York, Los Angeles, Miami, and all over Italy. You pack up your life in Atlanta and turn over a new leaf in Boston.

I know you’re dying to know about your love life too. Again, let’s start with the good news: you meet a LOT of cute boys. Bad news: they all suck. So let’s not focus on that part.

Life is going to put you through the wringer, but you will be astonished and so, so proud of the person that comes out on the other side. To simply be alive is an incredible thing.

Your disorder is a gift. It’s made you into a force that’s resilient beyond belief.

So buckle up champ. Your journey starts now.

Dear Future Butterflies,

The ones that are having a hard time fitting in with their peers. I see you guys sitting in your school gym listening to a speaker that doesn’t give you any encouragement for your future.

Right now, I know many of you feel lost in a world that’s giving you confusing messages on who you are and who you should be. You’re made to believe that you’re supposed to be tough all the time or be a bully & terrorize other kids, but, that’s not who you are deep inside your heart.

The school world probably isn’t helping bring out those characteristics about yourself that make you ”you”. Nor are your loved ones (bless their hearts). They’ve already picked certain students who they believe will be future stars and left ones like you behind because they see no value in you.

You want to cry and take your anger out on those who mistreat you, but, you’re afraid, that you don’t have the strength to defend yourself. You have more power inside than you think. You just haven’t been allowed to see it yet. A long adventure awaits you.

I was like many of you for a long time. I had a hard time showing the qualities that made me feel alive -  because the environment I was around didn’t allow them to grow into healthy flowers. I grew up in a small town in North Carolina for the first fifteen years of my life. I would discover my love for History and Reading there.

A lot of kids I knew, didn’t share the same love that I had for those two things, so, it was impossible to make friends because the boys I knew were into making fun of others, fighting, and establishing dominance over others.

Those things never interested me so I became a target of their cruel games. They enjoy bullying me and making me feel low whenever they had the chance. Enough bullying had happened that they got their wish. My self-esteem was in the negatives. That bubbly kid died in middle school.

I became quiet and only said the bare minimum just to get by without anyone picking on me. It would take years for me to finally rejoice and embrace the qualities of myself that are a part of me. It was a long journey into learning more about myself.

While my peers had seemed like they had figured their life out and were doing great things, I remained behind just trying to make sure I don’t take the wrong path in life for most of my 20s.

The amazing part is I would start coming across people online & offline in my 20s that would help me find the path where I’m on today. Now at 32, my self-esteem is in a better place than it’s ever been. I can’t wait to see my progress in five years.

I share my love for history out in the open. I also would discover this amazing gift called writing -  thanks to a close friend I met on a social media site that I remain close with to this day.

If someone from the future told me that my life would change 20 years ago, I wouldn’t believe them– because of the mental state I was in at the time.

Like me, you’ll discover people who will bring those amazing qualities you have out of you and made you feel safe being who you are.

I wish I could tell you that your journey would be easy, it may be a tough one for you. Rejoice though, you’re gonna make it. Just trust the process, even when it gets painful (which is a hard challenge).

You’ll do a lot of inner work on yourself, a lot of it will be uncomfortable. You’ll read articles that talk will make you feel bad about yourself. You’ll even have a lot of self-loathing moments.

You’ll even be mad at yourself for not having the courage to stand up for yourself when you were younger. All of the hardship & pain you’ll go through is to produce a strong human being.

So, I hope this message empowers you, you’re journey is just beginning and I hope to see you on the other side someday.
I wish you all much success,

Ciao 13 year old me,

Here’s an update from 2021!

We’ve been living in NYC for the past 6 years.
We live with our partner, whom we love in a way we never thought we’d be cable of.
We met him 4 years ago at a party we didn’t want to go to.
Every time we feel the urgency of trusting our intuition, we must do so.
Even when we’re too indecisive – which yes, we’re still very much so – please follow our gut. It’s what got us to New York, what made us grow in love and get where we are.
Always trust yourself, your feelings, your abilities.
We still have plenty of strength, but we did lose a bit of confidence along the way.
The few times we didn’t listen to our gut, life made sure to slap us in the face.
The roughest time was last summer.
It might be hard to believe, but a deadly global pandemic has been decimating the population since the beginning of 2020.
After 3 months of social isolation, we eventually escaped the City.
We went to Ohio to take in some nature.
One day, we went skateboarding in a park. After skating around, we reached a steep hill.
We hesitated.
Our gut told us to stop.
But we wanted to impress our partner and ourselves.
We are still very competitive and absurdly hard on ourselves.
So we decided to bypass our intuition.
We took a few steps down to quiet down the fear to then skate downhill.

The first memories are very chaotic.
We’re underwater. People are trying to talk to us from above, expecting us to respond.
Do you remember how we used to try to talk and sing underwater?
Same thing, only this time we are laying in a hospital bed.
We hit our head pretty bad. We weren’t wearing a helmet.
We were sedated after our brain had some internal bleeding and we subsequently had to bed put on a ventilator in the ICU. We were in the hospital for 5 days, than our partner took unconditional care of us at his parents’ house for a couple moths. It sounds absolutely horrifying, and it was, but don’t worry, we are going to be fine. But it’s still going to be the most challenging experience we lived so far.

We spent 25 years worrying about not being enough, not doing enough and trying incessantly fill that void.
After this accident, we are going to receive so much love.
An overwhelming and humbling horde of love. Which is going to make us realize that our life mattered so much to so many people.
So maybe we are enough.
And you are.
You are enough.
You are more than enough.

Eventually, our body is going to recuperate impressively fast. Which is going to be as encouraging as overwhelming, because all other cognitive symptoms caused by this brain injury – as well as our mental health – are going to take a very long time to recover. As the more apparent symptoms quiet down, people are going to inevitably move on, because the danger was escaped and we externally seem to be just fine. Unfortunately, this is going to make us feel extremely lonely and crazy.
It’s almost like being a teenager all over again.
Only this time it’s just in our head, I promise.
We kept holding on to gratefulness and our partners’s love, who understand us and loves us like anybody else.

Listen carefully though when I am telling you that we are not crazy.
You are not crazy.
We are a product of experiencing something absolutely crazy.

We are still addicted to validation, now actually more than ever, can you believe it?
We are constantly seeking for it. From everything and everyone.
However, what we’ve learn from this experience, is that we need to learn to validate ourselves. We are still struggling at it, but we are trying.
It took us to hit our head and not being around our family to be forced to learn how to take care of ourselves properly.
Learning to love ourselves properly.
Learning to prioritize ourselves.
Properly.
It’s hard. So hard.
We are a long way down.
But I can’t wait too see how worth it’s going to be.

Please do me a favor.
Keep doing whatever you’re doing.
Just add a bit more of faith in yourself.
Unapologetically. Authentically.
Your family is going to test you on it.
Schools are going to.
New York is going to.
This injury will.
This is the biggest test that life keeps us having to take over and over again.

I adore you.
Thank you for getting us where we are today.
I promise I am trying.
You deserve it.
And I want to believe I deserve it too.

Dearest lnner Child,

If you are reading this now it means that me and you have succeeded. We have succeeded in not letting the harsh realities of this seemingly cruel and tempestuous world diminish the pure light that resides within us. The light that has always been present during our darkest of days when the world was weary and the sky was grey. I must admit at times I was too blindsided to see that glimmer of hope which you bestowed upon me. You have always been there, and for that I am grateful.

I know your silence, and all the things you’ve ever been too afraid to say, or was that me? Anyway, you never could hide anything from me, nor I you! And I kind of liked it that way. That’s why I’ve come back, I had to find you again, and offer you an invitation to learn everything I have experienced living amongst the future.

The future is not such a bad place, for the most part. Technologies have advanced to such an extent that they dominate the way in which we live, learn and love. Which I’m sure comes as no surprise. There is an over flux of antiquated personality types still out there though, who are determined to keep the old out-dated belief systems in play. However, as the years pass and new technologies overturn their use,  their power diminishes. Giving way to a new breed of equally determined Ideologists, who are STEM focused, making their way towards the front of the illusive barriers.

A new age dawns upon man, and whether he likes it or not, change is imminent . Nothing remains the same forever, so be prepared, and please learn to bend a little, it will make way for a much easier ride, you’ll see!  Whatever you decide, never allow yourself to become stagnant for too long, one season is quite sufficient.

A degree of uncertainty travels through the various camps during such times. Those in positions of authority become desperate, feeding on human insecurities in order to claw back some form of control. This should not concern you, as long as you hold on to the ideal of being your true authentic self, there really is nothing for you to fear.

I have no doubt that mistakes will be made along the way, god knows I’ve made a few. But when you come to understand as I have, that mistakes are an intricate design embedded within all human species. You will learn to welcome these supposed mistakes as an opportunity to reflect, and assess whether or not the choices you’ve made thus far have led you onto a path of knowing. Knowing what it is you really want from this life, or not? And if not, then try not to waste time hesitating, and strike up a new plan of action, and go for it!. I’m telling you this because one of the biggest mistakes I ever made was thinking I was stuck living in the same hopeless situation with a man who didn’t treat me right, because I failed to recognise my own self-worth, inevitably staying longer than I should. Press repeat on that one a few times, different faces, same narrative, you get the picture. I’ve grown a little wiser on that front, thankfully.

The main thing holding us back was the belief that we weren’t deserving of a better life!

That somehow, we weren’t good enough,  and that’s why we never managed to fit in anywhere. When the simple truth is, we weren’t made to fit in. We were born to push the boundaries of perception, the perceived norms of acceptance, by being our weird and wonderful selves! What’s not to love?

We can’t afford to let ourselves become distracted by the outside noise, or to be shamed into being anything other than who we truly are, not for or by anyone.

The harder I tried to fit in the more pieces of the perplexed jigsaw puzzle appeared to go astray, And the more downtrodden I felt, causing our mind to run riot with insurmountable insecurity and self-doubt, dimming the light of our child-like ways, which I now cherish more than ever. As it is the child within that connects us, that stops us repressing how we feel, that doesn’t hold us back and embraces our tears.  That urges us to take extra care of ourselves, to love without condition. That free’s our imagination in its entirety. Inspiring us to explore all the wonderful possibilities that life has to offer, no matter where we might happen to find ourselves in this big wide world.

Now remember, you are that Child. Made out of the same stuff as stars, born to shine, and shine you shall.

I believe in you.

Heart of gold but a mouth sharp, led by a mother whose depraved childhood was her fatal flaw. Wise but sometimes cold, taught by a father who found peace with the emotionless demons. It’s not easy to think about all the things I want to say to you because you were always someone who walked to the beat of your own drum. Those drums have been sharp and bold, as well as soft and gentle, and as time passed it changed to sometimes melancholic and quiet. Your drum at one point stopped thumping and turned into a silent audience. A drum grown tired of being the black sheep, a drum that would rather sit in a stadium alone than to turn into another follower of the marching band. There are a few fundamental truths that I want you to know because as time passes, and you grow, you will learn that the world is far more complex than the playgrounds you once stood on and that people are far more disturbing than the usual school yard drama.

You will see that those in which you share blood can become the sharpest knives in your kitchen and even though they will defend you, and care for you, they can also hurt you and leave you with scratches. I don’t mean to frighten you but this is just the reality of living in a world designed for people who don’t look and move like you. You will see that when you are built to move differently people will start to look at you funny and that creative outlets will be your safe haven, but don’t be too hard on yourself. I say this now because I know later you become a perfectionist and become the master of self sabotage.

You will learn that the systems we function in are flawed and to change those flaws would mean a lifetime or two of dedicated resistance. It would mean tearing apart a foundation and making a whole new blueprint. In time you will learn that identity runs deeper than the surface of the skin, and you may not understand it all right now but later you will dive deeper in what it means to be “you” which will be easier to accept than both of us could either imagine. Beyond the valleys of mistakes and lessons you will learn as you progress through life, that pain is more than the cuts and bruises of falling too hard in the schoolyard; pain comes as a result of harsh words and rejection. You will see that one song can make a world of difference in a time filled with sickness and doubt. Those songs will become both your heartache and your savior when they play heart shaking melodies and lyrics that hit too close to home. You will see that true emptiness isn’t always found in an empty stomach. Sometimes it’s waking up and seeing the ghost of people who no longer can sit with you. You will realize that a year or two can feel like a lifetime when nothing is going right and I’d like to tell you it gets better but really it just gets manageable.

You will find that friends are not always friends but sometimes they are seekers that forget the values of give and take, so when they take they might take a little too much of you and that’s okay because that is when you will learn boundaries. These lines will become your inner peace and they will become the catalyst to learning how to fill into your own cup first before We fill into anyone else’s. The stories of so many people dear to you will be filled with thorns and barbed wire and it will shake you to your core, but it will also reignite a fire in you that you lost somewhere along the blurred lines of growing and existing in a complex world. That drum that lost its rhythm with the growing pains of life starts to thump again just a little and it will continue to grow until this very moment. You will grow into yourself after being met with a lot of challenges and a lot of unlearning of complacency. The losses will be just as great as the gains and you will do more than just survive. You, We, will learn what it means to thrive, and we will take nothing less.

This is an open letter made for You, and Me and Us and We and All the in betweens because this is something we’ve always needed.