I told my brother once — who I was dating — & He replied to me

“I thought you had more self-respect than that”

Later on in life — I realized — he was right

(But it was not my intention)

For the last 10 yrs — those words have been
engraved in my mind — like a tombstone

I had a lot of deja-vu signs —

That led me to believe — him & I were meant to be — but we weren’t tho

Im sorry — but I mean — come on now 

He read me — Bible stories & Scriptures 🙏🏽

I thought — I had self respect — thru a period of time — in the past

But somewhere — down the line — I lost it

I like to think — I’m doing better now a days — 
& I can finally say — once again — I have it

I was just an old soul — in a superficial world

withought a strong voice — of her own — to put her foot down

I was searching for something — in someone else — that was meant to be found — within myself

But truly — I think— what he said to me — then —
really did help

I think back on — the first time — I moved out — on my own

About a year or so — out of an abusive —relationship — with a child of my own

Things became different — then the life — I envisioned — & it really took a toll

Lord knows — all I wanted — was a God filled family

Definitely not — another broken home

I was readjusting my lenses — to try to understand — & accept my new life — and what happened

I questioned so much — about myself — & all I believed in

Every-time I tried to do right — It backfired on me

& the emotions became — overpowering & depleting

My first love — was facing a long time — on the other side — & the news of that — was heartbreaking

We weren’t together at the time — but that’s something — you never wanna hear about —
 your middle school love — from 8th grade

My second one — was church bound — for a while — long enough to make me smile — & put a ring on it

We got engaged after 3 months —
 but shortly after that — things changed

We went from Bible stories to —

“I hope you die bitch”

But Ik that — he’s only human — so I try to my best — to forgive him

He tried to walk down — a Righteous path —
& a part of me — wants to believe — the intention was pure — and authentic

But how could he not — go back to the hood
 — when what he thought to be true

became faker then the streets — he once knew — & tried to get away from

The pastor — along with his crew — were all
“wolfs in sheeps clothing”

Sneaky, deceiving & misguiding —

Misleading everyone they knew — including you — & I’m sorry

I had dedicated — several years of my life to God — & he told me — to trust him

But can you imagine?

How painful & confusing it was — to have lost — not only my first love — but my second ?

All while trying — to make the right choices —
but instead gaining — religious PTSD — in the process ?

Who was I suppose to turn to — & believe in

While battling — all these inner demons — & traumas — I was dealing with

I went thru many — up-down phases — of believing — while simultaneously — grieving

So I ran away — from my feelings — into the arms of people — I can no longer — even remember

I gave access to my home — & my temple — & said yes at times — I should have definitely — had said no

I had a voice of my own — but didn’t know how to use it

That shits triggering — to remember

Cause little me — just wanted someone to love — & protect her

Not realizing then — I was all I ever needed 
— & was looking for

So I’m thankful — I now — better respect — myself & my temple

Thankful — I respect my brother — as a father figure — more then I do — a brother

His opinion — really matters to me — 
So I truly strive — to make him proud

I’m sorry bro, that back then —

Your little sister — didn’t know how 🥺